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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
IJustGotHitByADeer · 15/12/2017 23:32

I chose to change my surname upon marriage because I had lots of negative feelings about my maiden name, for reasons I don’t want to go into. New name, new start. And I’m proud to share my husband’s name because I’m proud of him. Doesn’t mean I judge women who don’t change their names, of course I don’t judge, our identities should be an individual choice. But my new name was very much my choice thank you.

Enko · 15/12/2017 23:32

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

Why? Because they chose to do something you didn't choose to do?

Surely it is all about CHOICE? What we wishes to do ..

My birth name in English is slang for penis I frankly had NO WISH what so ever to keep that with me through out the rest of my life.. Dh's family name is a nice normal Scottish one that everyone can spell. I love it and I was quite happy to take his name. it was my choice to do. Nothing to do with tradition simply a matter of I liked it better.

snowsnowsnowsnow · 15/12/2017 23:33

Merry Christmas! If you didn't decide to go with tradition, then yes, that was your choice but if it means so much to you then WTF didn't you make sure people knew? To take offence is v bad manners, just let them know, they were probably excited to write you a Christmas card in the traditional way with your assumed new married name.

Also, do not understand your comment "Marriage isn't outdated unfortunately. It's the only way to have financial security in a relationship where one party is more financially unsecure than the other."

Please explain - if you are both so equal then what do you mean?

snowsnowsnowsnow · 15/12/2017 23:33

ps: "insecure" perhaps rather than "unsecure"

Abbotswood · 15/12/2017 23:33

No woman I know has changed her name because it gave them standing in society.

Do you really think they will admit it? Hmm

Deluded.

MirriVan · 15/12/2017 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TropicalRain · 15/12/2017 23:36

Completely agree Abbotswood, you nailed it, and no-one is answering the question - why do so few men do it?

PeonyBucket · 15/12/2017 23:38

So why should i have to be the one that changes her whole identity just because I married a man. Who, by the way, gets to keep his family name

But you don't have to if you don't want to. There are lots of women nowadays who keep their own family name. It's not that unusual any more. I changed my surname on my second marriage because it might have been awkward not to. Not many people knew my maiden name so it would have been equally if not more confusing to revert to that.

Mxyzptlk · 15/12/2017 23:38

A lot of people are not married and have kids. Do those mums have the same surname as their kids? Do the dads?

Flappyfishy · 15/12/2017 23:38

I'm getting married next year.

I'll still be Dr / Ms my-Surname and my Husband will keep his.

I proposed to him so he has a ring - I don't have an engagement ring

Noone is giving me away

If we have children, they'll have both surnames - Not just his and not just mine.

..... But that's me and I'm glad I have the choice. I'd be pissed off if other people started slating that choice so if a woman wants to change her surname / title or let the kids have their partners surname then again, that's their choice

ConfusedLivingDoll · 15/12/2017 23:40

I took my XDHs surname as never liked my name. He offered to take mine, but as I said I don't like it and it was a pain to spell literally every time. Wanted us all to have the same name, DS included, so chose XDH's which I like and still have. It's easy to spell too. However, now I'm separated/divorcing and together with DP. We will get married as soon as divorce comes through, but no idea what to do with names. DP hates his name as it's his abusive father's and suggested we make up a new name. But then would lose connection to DS. Maybe double barrel with XDH's? It'd be odd, but what can you do! XDH and DP won't mind either way, as they're reasonable and nice, which helps.

Neither me or DP had/have changed names before marriage even though we dislike our unmarried/fathers' names, as it's a big hassle letting everyone know and there's a cost to deed poll and to replacing all documentation. Also not too sure what we'd change to (without offending family, as well)!

Runlikeabull22 · 15/12/2017 23:40

If marriage is so outdated why are so many people still doing it? Just asking😕

SilverDoe · 15/12/2017 23:41

And when do you ever hear of men changing their surnames due to bad connotations?

My partner was adopted by an abusive family after years in the foster system from babyhood. They also have wildly different heritage from him, so people always ask him about it and therefore he ends up having to discuss his sir name quite a lot. He has expressed a wish to change his last name to mine when we get married, because he has always hated his name. I don't know why you feel you have the right to make such sweeping generalisations about both men and women.

I had a friend like you. She "became" feminist and rather than using it positively and progressively she has simply used as yet another platform to judge and berate people on. The biggest mistake you can make is to criticise people for their choices with no prior knowledge of who they are. By all means have a discussion about values, traditions, whether they have a place in the modern world or whatever, great.

But honestly, ridiculing women for choices like this, especially when you patronisingly assume that they felt they didn't even have a choice, will get you nowhere, I promise you.

g1itterati · 15/12/2017 23:42

Well I was happy to change my name, but I can safely say the issue if my "standing in society" did not cross my mind Grin. It was more about a merging than a leg up in society. If he had had a terrible name I might have suggested us both making a new start and choosing a new name together, but as it was I loved his name so all good. It felt like a kind of new start and I guess a compliment to him, but not an elevation to a new social strata.

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 23:42

Flappy "If we have children, they'll have both surnames - Not just his and not just mine." That's great but what if I had done that with my kids, and one of your kids met one of mine and the two get married, do they end up with four surnames?

grumpysquash3 · 15/12/2017 23:43

My birth name in English is slang for penis I frankly had NO WISH what so ever to keep that with me through out the rest of my life.. Dh's family name is a nice normal Scottish one that everyone can spell. I love it and I was quite happy to take his name. it was my choice to do. Nothing to do with tradition simply a matter of I liked it better.

It's a completely fair point. But you do realise that you could have changed your name without getting married, don't you? To any name you liked.

MsJuniper · 15/12/2017 23:44

I agree it would be preferable for there to be equal numbers of men and women changing names, keeping names or coming up with new names. It's changed a lot though - very few of my female friends have changed their names. Most have kept their own, some double-barrelled, in one couple the man has taken the woman's and in another they have created a new family name. I can only think of one who has straightforwardly changed her name.

I'm the most actively feminist of my friends but I did change to DH's surname for a number of reasons - the main one being that I did not want any connection to my father. If I hadn't married fairly young I might have changed my name anyway, or might have chosen a new name with DH. Who knows.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I agree with the OP's sentiment but not the way it is expressed, the judgement on others or the frustration she feels. Things are changing in a positive direction and there's nothing to be gained in accusing and alienating other women. Why not focus on encouraging men to be more open to discussion instead?

Boynamedsue · 15/12/2017 23:44

My dad was an abusive prick and I got stuck with his name from birth. Very happy to change it to my lovely Dh's. Don't judge what you don't know

Goshthatwentwell · 15/12/2017 23:45

It's not really a free choice when societal norms dictate women take their husbands name.
It seems bloody obvious that children take the mothers name given that it pretty easy at birth to establish parentage. Why bother naming them after their fathers?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2017 23:46

MirriVan, why marry into the patriarchy at all? It's just an old tradition don't you know?

Why do you think anybody cares what you would do? How arrogant you are to think that your choice should be anybody else's.

I don't believe she can but Emily Davison, if she could, would be drumming her heels and imploring you to STFU because your brand of 'feminism' turns many women off... and women are your allies for change, not a willing audience for your self-absorbed grandstanding.

Where is Hoof? Now that is a woman who can influence...

Enko · 15/12/2017 23:48

Completely agree Abbotswood, you nailed it, and no-one is answering the question - why do so few men do it?

I grew up in Scandinavia out of the 12 girls I have from my school friends on face book only 1 has taken her husbands name 2 have chosen to use a completely different name they chose together (in one case this is a merge of their old surnames think something like

their birth names were Wilson and Robert now it is Wilbert) in 2 cases their dh have taken their surname, the rest of them have either kept theirs or double barreled their names. (and the 1 who took her dhs surname was me as I explained I didn't want to be known as Ms penis for the rest of my life)

DH and I married in my birth country almost 22 years ago even then on the form we had to sign prior to getting married there was 4 options 1 keep own name 2 take other persons name 3 merge the two or 4 a completely different name.. We both had to answer that question.

So In Scandinavia it is quite common for the men to change their surnames on marriage. From the experience I have.

SilverDoe · 15/12/2017 23:49

I suppose what I'm saying is that I agree with the OP's sentiment but not the way it is expressed, the judgement on others or the frustration she feels. Things are changing in a positive direction and there's nothing to be gained in accusing and alienating other women. Why not focus on encouraging men to be more open to discussion instead?

Yup completely agree with this :)

Clitoria · 15/12/2017 23:50

I’m the same as Boynamedsue and others, I rejected having the same name as the sadistic paedo who forced me into existence.
Is sending xmas cards really still A Thing? A piece of paper with ‘to John, from Claire’ written inside-why bother? Thank you cards/notes after a formal invitation event or special gesture, YES, but for Christmas?!

Address that shit to their first names.

Jane and Paul,
16 Road Street,
Bollockhampton
GHUH INH

soapboxqueen · 15/12/2017 23:50

greyhound Surely if two people meet who have double barraled surnames it's up to them what they do. I'm going to point out that it hasn't stopped the aristocracy from having long surnames. Many just go by the last one on a day to day basis.

InionEile · 15/12/2017 23:50

I don't see why keeping your father's name is less patriarchal than taking your husband's name. I didn't like my maiden name because it was hard to spell and pronounce so I was happy to have a new name that was less of a burden.

On the other hand, it does annoy me when I read e.g. 'Mrs & Mrs J / John Smith' for a couple named e.g. John and Anne Smith - I would always write it as 'Mr & Mrs John and Anne Smith'. I also always sign my name first when writing cards to my own family i.e. 'Happy Christmas, Love from, InionEile, MrInionEile, DC 1 & 2'