Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

[mulledoverwine]

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

Indeed really. Logic would suggest that notification would occur when someone is actively engaging in a new activity rather than continuing with the status quo. But people do like to scrape the barrel when it comes to reasons for perpetrating this sort of thing.

And given that around a third of British women now don't take their FILs name when they marry, the point when one could make an assumption has long been and gone. The use of the word 'courtesy' in that context was an amusing irony.

Why don't you change it now breakfastat? If it's something really awful, no need to wait! I reckon I'd have got rid of mine as soon as I turned 18 if that were me.

(Ignore me if you're getting married next week..)

* I’m all for girl power*

Yes. That's what feminism is about.

Do people really get offended if someone calls them by their maiden name or married name incorrectly? It's an easy mistake. I don't give a hoot as long as it's the right post.

zadig
I couldn't imagine getting offended by it.

I'd be narked if I was refered yo as 'Mrs His Initial Pops' but my last name/his etc I couldn't care less (although I'd expect close friends to know).
It's in the same category of being called Miss pops instead of mrs pops at work. I don't mind but my colleague hates being called mrs last name as she is still miss her name professionally.

I can see what you mean OP. I've done both options! I changed my surname after my first marriage for various reasons, because I wanted us all to have the same surname, it was the done thing 20 years ago, I felt pressure & was too immature to question it. Plus I didn't like my family name & was happy to change.

We got divorced 10 years ago & I never changed my surname again because it seemed like too much of a faff, being expected to come up with a new signature on the spot ill remember for life.. WTF?

I got remarried 2 years ago & this time I haven't changed my surname (from DH1 surname). This is seen as even worse than not changing it in the first place by many. Personally I see it as its MY name now & my kids name, & now im strong enough to not change it just because it is expected. DH2 isn't happy, but grudgingly accepts it because I tolerate being known as Mrs DH2 when we're together. Sometimes I double barrel the names. Its more important to me to have the same surname as my kids now than a man, no matter how much I love him! We're committed to each other. I don't have to change names to prove it.

I have never (either before or after getting married) received any post addressed to Mr and Mrs DH initial and surname, it is always either both our given names and no surname or both our given names and our joint surname (actually from time to time we get post addressed to Mr and Mrs my maiden name).

Do people really get offended if someone calls them by their maiden name or married name incorrectly?

Yes, i do. They are basically saying they don’t know me well enough or don’t care enough to know my name.

How is it an easy mistake? Surely you know what you friends and family are called? Like i said, you might as well just address it to “mr dh and that woman he married”. That woman that you don’t actually care enough about to find out her name.

InvisibleKittenAttack

We've been together for over 20 years so they might have picked up !y surname somewhere along the way......

Or they are being rude in a passive aggressive way?

I don't get offended unless I've told them how I prefer to be addressed and they ignore it.

Reallyanotherone, no that's not really true. Mostly people introduce their OH as 'this is my wife/husband followed by first name. They don't necessarily give the surname when doing the introductions. Unless you're actually addressing them by the surname, in which case you probably wouldn't be sending them a Christmas card in the first place, unless it was a teacher at your child's school.

It's definitely not worth being offended over. Just point out the mistake, they then apologise and you all move on.

Reallyanotherone, no that's not really true. Mostly people introduce their OH as 'this is my wife/husband followed by first name. They don't necessarily give the surname when doing the introductions.

I think my husband's family might know my last name by now. They've known me for 25 years. It is a little surprising they still insist on calling me Mrs Hisname.

I'm Mrs [insert husbands surname]. I'm happy with that! I'm equally happy if you or anyone else wants to be double barrel or retain your surname! Who cares!!!

Life's too short to get offended over a surname or squabble over whether you take your partners surname!

I think my husband's family might know my last name by now. They've known me for 25 years. It is a little surprising they still insist on calling me Mrs Hisname.

Yep, mine have known my name for 15 years. They know my surname, and that I don’t use Mrs. 15 years later and they still adress cards to mr and mrs hisname. I even get birthday cards addressed to mrs hisname.

And how come even when it’s me introducing my husband, firstname, without mentioning surname, they still manage to figure out mr and mrs hisname, but not the other way round?

There was a long article in one of the journals about how a female who doesn't change their name is less likely to stay married to their partner.
Something to do with commitment issues

I do get why that would be irritating, reallyanotherone. My MIL constantly addresses cards to Mr and Mrs his initials, surname, or even Mr and Mrs his first name, middle name initial, surname! I feel like saying, 'I do have my own name, MIL.'

mummmy2017

There was a long article in one of the journals about how a female who doesn't change their name is less likely to stay married to their partner.
Something to do with commitment issues

Or they might possibly be the kind of women who stand up for themselves and don't put up with sexist crap.

One of the Christmas traditions I enjoy is reading a thread on this topic. But this one has been infuriating for its repetitiveness. Thank you to the very patient posters who have explained again and again why this matters and debunking the "feminism is choice" myth. I will just add my annual contribution which is to say that I address envelopes to my female friends as Mrs DHinitials DHsurname to punish them for making a choice I disagree with.

They probably wouldn't notice or care.

"To punish them for making a choice I disagree with"

MrsJoyless indeed

I think they would notice, Lonicera, no doubt she's told them how she feels about their decision lots of times. Though what she thinks women can do about it once they've made that choice I don't know. They're not going to change back, are they???

It would be interesting to read that mummmmy. The explosion in UK women keeping their own name instead of taking their FILs on marriage has only really happened in the past decade-ish, ie before most of the divorces start to kick in. Additionally, part of this is fuelled by women from non-UK cultural backgrounds eg Pakistani etc (whose numbers have also increased in the past decade) and they have slightly lower divorce rates than the general population. So when the more recent data becomes available, one would expect slightly lower rates of divorce from us Lucy Stoners, simply because of the non like for like nature of the comparison.

Also, that was basically gold star from MrsJoyless. Although do prepare yourself for a spate of ad hominems, faux not caring from people who've posted several dozen times on this thread and general huffing.

This could perhaps save time?

@MrsJoyless 👏🏼 totally agree.

@MrsJoyless If you'd posted that at the beginning of the thread we wouldn't be now 37-pages deep in a circular discussion! FFS!