Page 38 | Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

mulledoverwine · 2017-12-15T22:17:26+00:00

I am recently married and did not change my name. I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't). Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy. I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm [hmm] more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here. I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!! I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

MrsJoyless · 20/12/2017 10:33

Incidentally, I am quite old, so some of my friends are on their 3rd surname, one on her 4th. One did admit to me that she wished she hadn't gone down the route of name-changing the first time, because she cannot stop now.

RainyApril · 20/12/2017 10:35

The condescension that comes across from some really harms your message.

MsJuniper · 20/12/2017 10:39

You missed out "my father is not part of my life, has been actively neglectful and hurtful, I am the only member of my family with that name, it had only been 'mine' for a short time so I felt no identity with it and I didn't want the link to him". Or is that too reasonable?

I completely agree with the general principles of keeping ones name and that feminism is not about choice. I didn't make the choice in a vacuum and now I am older another solution could have been a new name, but that was the decision I made. It's not nice to think that a friend would want to "punish" me for this, I certainly wouldn't do the same for friends who use Mrs or make other non-feminist choices, because I understand that people are complex.

I think things are moving in the right direction on this and that the focus should be on educating and persuading men that their surname is not immutable or part of their masculinity, not berating other women.

MrsJoyless · 20/12/2017 10:44

Of course I didn't include the rational reasons.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 20/12/2017 10:50

the day that as many men change their name upon marriage, as women, is the day I'd consider it free choice and insignificant.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/12/2017 11:15

I'm another one here who thinks women should be able to call themselves whatever they want, without censure.

But I seriously side-eye the ridiculous, defensive "it's my choice!" responses here which are based on the claim that women changing their names to their husband's name is an entirely free choice, devoid of context, social pressure or history. Yeah, no.

OP, I get why it irks you. It irks me, too.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/12/2017 11:16

I'm another one here who thinks women should be able to call themselves whatever they want, without censure.

But I seriously side-eye the ridiculous, defensive "it's my choice!" responses here which are based on the claim that women changing their names to their husband's name is an entirely free choice, devoid of context, social pressure or history. Yeah, no.

OP, I get why it irks you. It irks me, too.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/12/2017 11:16

I'm another one here who thinks women should be able to call themselves whatever they want, without censure.

But I seriously side-eye the ridiculous, defensive "it's my choice!" responses here which are based on the claim that women changing their names to their husband's name is an entirely free choice, devoid of context, social pressure or history. Yeah, no.

OP, I get why it irks you. It irks me, too.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/12/2017 11:16

I'm another one here who thinks women should be able to call themselves whatever they want, without censure.

But I seriously side-eye the ridiculous, defensive "it's my choice!" responses here which are based on the claim that women changing their names to their husband's name is an entirely free choice, devoid of context, social pressure or history. Yeah, no.

OP, I get why it irks you. It irks me, too.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/12/2017 11:17

Gah! What happened there?! Sorry, all.

IsaSchmisa · 20/12/2017 11:22

Great piece of work MrsJoyless, but sadly I can only give it 9/10. For full marks, you'd have needed to find a way to hold women who address these arguments responsible for other women not identifying as feminists.

MrsJoyless · 20/12/2017 12:21

Good point. It's a new idea for me, it wasn't one of the responses I got when discussing this with my RL friends thirty years ago. Still, we might not have had space for the kitten.

grannytomine · 20/12/2017 12:56

They probably wouldn't notice or care. I don't, I haven't a clue other than I have checked cards in the last couple of days and one had Mr and Mrs and initial that does apply to either of us surname. The others have been to Mr and Mrs with no initial. I do always look out for a card from my aunt who has always got our surname wrong since the day we got married. I do like to see who we are this year. In one card someone has used my full forename, a name I have never used and even from day 1 my parents always used a shortened version and I find that much stranger than what initial they use on the envelope. I don't let it upset me but it doesn't feel like me.

Sallystyle · 20/12/2017 14:08

I did change my name with both marriages. The more I think about it the more it winds me up that I did.

I did it before I found MN and before feminism became really important to me (not that I believe you can't be a feminist and change your name, just to be clear). I did it because everyone else did it and I thought it was just one of those things.

There is no love lost between me and my dad but it was the name I was given at birth and it was mine. My husband's name is his, and should never have become mine.

Maybe I will change it by deed poll. I am not sure what people would think if I suddenly changed my name back though.

Lizzie48 · 20/12/2017 14:55

U2hastheEdge, you'd find yourself forever having to reassure people that no, you and DH are not getting divorced. Because that will be the assumption. Lol!

I wouldn't do that myself anyway, as I don't want my maiden name back for reasons explained earlier in the thread. But I have DDs, so this will be very relevant if they get married one day, do they keep their name? They're very attached to it so it wouldn't surprise me at all (names are particularly meaningful for adopted children).

I thought about this thread when 6 Christmas cards arrived. 4 of them had Mr & Mrs his initial surname, 1 had Mr & Mrs surname and 1 had DH's name plus my name plus surname. I think it's so ingrained as we were taught to write addresses like that at school.

Lizzie48 · 20/12/2017 15:07

I hope that didn't sound flippant btw. I did double barrel my name on Facebook for some years, which caused a few people to comment. In principle I think double barrelled names are a good idea.

ElephantsandTigers · 20/12/2017 19:12

Just wondering about the DD's of women who took their dh name as their was too long, etc and what they will do when they marry, you know what with them having an easy to pronounce and spell name..

PoorYorick · 20/12/2017 19:27

I don't care what they do, as long as it's what they want.

seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 19:38

Oh my god, is this still going? If something comes through our letterbox, I just open it. It never occurs to me to look at how its addressed. I open DH's mail, he opens mine. I'm glad I have his surname and so is he / no regrets and it's. Lovely thing to do if you are that way inclined. If someone sent us a letter with Mr and Mrs hisname Surname then I would just think they were quite old, but it's hardly an outrage, is it. Just put the envelope in the bin.

PoorYorick · 20/12/2017 19:42

Yeah, still going. I got bored for a while. Had a quick look, nothing new has been said for a while. One person thinks that listing all the counterarguments to her opinion immediately invalidates them, especially if that tired old 'bingo card' joke is included (I sincerely thought that went out of vogue circa 2013...shows what I know, I guess).

I do genuinely despair a bit at what seems to pass for 'rebellion' and being a 'misbehaving woman' these days though. I must be getting old.

IsaSchmisa · 20/12/2017 19:50

Invariably fascinating the number of responses these threads attract from people who feel the need to take time to tell us how unimportant the issue is to them. Such shining examples to us all.

Lizzie48 · 20/12/2017 20:24

Invariably fascinating the number of responses these threads attract from people who feel the need to take time to tell us how unimportant the issue is to them. Such shining examples to us all.

Well, it's AIBU, if you ask the question posters are allowed to reply that they think you're being U, aren't they? That's the whole point of AIBU, after all.

seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 20:25

Well what do you want people to say Isa?

VladmirsPoutine · 20/12/2017 20:30

@seekingsellotape It's quite clear to me at least that Isa among others thinks you're doing feminism 'wrong'. That's the long and short of it as far as I have gathered.

IsaSchmisa · 20/12/2017 20:52

You can say whatever you like, far be it from me to suggest otherwise. I do reserve the right to be amused by it though, especially when you tell us all about how you ignore it in a tone that suggests you think those of us who do otherwise would do well to follow your example.

As for you Vladimir, pot kettle black.