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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a gift-wrapped potato to DD on Christmas morning?

389 replies

Skittlesandbeer · 15/12/2017 21:47

Was chatting with school mums yesterday while we watched kids play sport. This idea was raised, and split opinion in the group.

Given that most of us have used Santa/Father Christmas coming as a carrot or a stick to encourage good behaviour in DC over November and December, doesn’t it follow that we should deal with the bad behaviour on the Christmas present pile as well?

Is it unreasonable to add a beautifully gift-wrapped potato with a label that says that this would have been a another proper present from Santa, had the behaviour been better?

This came out of a conversation about how our kids (aged 4-8) have cottoned on to the disconnect between their mums harping on about Santa’s ‘naughty or nice’ list, and in reality there’s actually a shed load of stuff to open (even though they know they’ve been naughty). One mum said her kids sneer that Santa doesn’t care, and they know they can get presents anyway so why bother being good?

I quite liked the idea, and of keeping the potato in the ‘loot pile’ for a while afterwards as a reminder (until I can’t be arsed going to the shops and cook it for their dinner!).

So AIBU to wrap one?

And perhaps give it to DD first, if she wakes me at 5.30am on the 25th after I’ve had to coordinate 40 pairs of coat hanger/tinsel angel wings for Christmas Eve mass? Xmas Grin

A valid parenting hack, or unreasonably mean (Christmas) spirited?

OP posts:
ecosln · 15/12/2017 22:33

Once ( not sure of age) but knew santa did not exist... I got nothing other than a set of bike lights (massive 1990's lights) that my mother had already bought. It was due to behaviour apparently.... but even though i can't remember my crime i know I was not a bad child... homework all done, good reports/ grades , never in trouble..... I remember being so embarrassed that I lied and made up the gifts I got to my friends... so I would never give my dc nothing and i wouldn't wrap only a potato, but if they were old enough to know it was you ... one potato present out of many Under tree wrapped and opened with a note saying what op mentioned is quite funny....,

danTDM · 15/12/2017 22:35

I think this is a cultural difference! It really does no harm!

YY, the 'coal' is edible! Pure sugar really Hmm

I'm putting a potato in DD's stocking now, I think it's genius!

WhooooAmI24601 · 15/12/2017 22:36

I don't think we've ever really done the naughty/nice thing, mainly because the DCs are usually pretty well-behaved boys, but also because Christmas isn't linked to behaviour here.

If they'd behaved hideously throughout an entire year I'd probably try and work it out and put stuff in place to change their behaviour rather than waiting til Christmas and shouting "Santa's not been, you naughty swine". Even the thought of it makes me so sad (and my DC aren't fragile ones who've never had a rollicking, I just want their memories of Christmas to be as lovely as possible for as long as possible).

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/12/2017 22:37

Same here Gamerwidow, ours know that it's just teasing and also that we're not so wet we depend on some old guy who shows up once a year to dole out punishments for poor behaviour!

It just seems so cold to actually plan to do this and colder still to carry it out. I'm thinking of how DH and I really look forward to their excitement on Christmas morning, it makes me feel a bit sick that another parent could be looking forward to their child's disappointment. Like I said, I get that in some families this can be a joke that the dc are in on but actually doing it as a punishment? No Sad.

nauticant · 15/12/2017 22:38

There's a world of difference between a random potato to give the kids a "so funny" moment and a potato being some kind of nebulous Santa-based threat/punishment.

Honestly OP, the things I remember most about my childhood were my parents doing something to make a point rather than just engaging straightforwardly with us as parents.

wellbanana · 15/12/2017 22:39

Nope. There's a reason that the reinforce appropriate, ignore difficult behaviour idiom exists (obvs you can't if it's something dangerous, but for everyday naughtiness, ignoring or some time out is usually by far the best plan).

Also, even if you followed unhelpful behavioural principles of punishing 'bad' behaviour, there are a number of flaws in your strategy. For example:

  1. If the kid likes spuds then it's not a punishment and you'd in theory get more of the behaviour you don't want because you'd be rewarding them.
  1. If the kid has other 'good' presents alongside a potato, the whole thing is inconsistent and confusing and they won't know what they're being rewarded for, what the potato is for, or why they're getting both.
Further, any reward for their behaviour generally (nice presents) is going to reinforce the behaviour you don't want still, regardless of how many potatoes you include in the mix... You'd have to take away all the nice presents, which is just cruel and OTT.
  1. You need to respond to 'good/bad' behaviour at the time, not weeks later at an unconnected moment. It won't make sense to the kids. Especially if you're talking about littlies, they're really going to struggle to make the connection.

Behavioural reinforcement needs to be timely and consistent or its pretty useless 😁

crazymissdaisy · 15/12/2017 22:39

My eldest who was 17 at the time had been grumbling about what he got in his stocking. Father Christmas knows he doesn't like tangerines, so he always gets a chocolate orange in the toe of his stocking
This time however, thanks to his grumbling about too many pants and books, his satsuma replacement was a lump of coal. I thought he would laugh, he was certainly old enough to know about the existence or otherwise of father Christmas. Instead he was really genuinely upset. My younger 3 children were silenced by it, and still talk about it as " that terrible year when Dc got coal " ( along with about 100 pounds of other stuff). So no, it was a huge mistake, don't do it!

FinallyHere · 15/12/2017 22:42

One of my earliest memories was being told that Santa would not be coming, given my poor behaviour. History relates that I woke up exceptionally early on Christmas Day, checked that there were, in fact, a whole heap of presents set out under the tree and woke up my sister to tell her the good news.

Panic over, we went back to sleep and indeed slept unusually late. Parents were reduced to flushing the (noisy) loos to try and bus to wake up the next morning. Pah.

A long term threat is 't the right way to manage behaviour.

Original poster
Skittlesandbeer · 15/12/2017 22:43

dan

I remember those sugar coal lumps so well from my childhood! So rock hard to bite into during those years when your front teeth are growing in.

And I remember my Nonna confiscating them for after the guests had left, cos they turn your whole mouth a hideous black for ages!

I guess I must get my appalling parenting skills from that side of the family... Wink and everyone on their continent.

OP posts:
Notso · 15/12/2017 22:44

I don't do the naughty/nice thing with mine but I have a friend who gives coal to her kids along with piles of presents, her kids don't seem to care.

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 22:45

Skittlesandbeer crack pot idea. Find a new incentivisation if Santa is not working!

Trunkisareshite · 15/12/2017 22:48

Totally horrible thing to do.

Just let Christmas be about fun and magic -and Jesus- and leave the punishments for another day, or better still the time of the actual bad behaviour.

I suppose you could always write a note from the head elf updating them in their naughty/ nice list status if you wanted?

Keep Christmas jolly!

danTDM · 15/12/2017 22:49

Oh yes, the mouth goes black for ages.

Best not mention the witches skittles shhh!

DirtyDancing · 15/12/2017 22:49

You could always do what my late Aunt's Farther did. She is half Italian/ half Polish decent and she lived in the very rural foothills of Italy growing up. She was married to my maternal Uncle, and many years older than him.

She said they were a poor family and Xmas was the only time of year they got gifts. She had a very naughty brother who was threatened with no presents on Xmas morning, if he continued to misbehave, which he did. So her father filled his stocking with rabbit poop. And nothing else.

Yep. He cried his eyes out apparently but was a lot better behaved from then on!

Harsh!!!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/12/2017 22:52

Skittles the sugar lump coal tradition is a world away from doesn’t it follow that we should deal with the bad behaviour on the Christmas present pile as well? which is what you wrote in your opening post. That's what people are responding to when they say it's poor parenting not some lighthearted joke about edible coal. Are your really pretending you can't see the difference?

1805 · 15/12/2017 22:56

I gave my dd a potato one year.
My dc have a stocking in their room with 1 small gift, choc coins, an orange and some sweets kind of stuff in it. I also put a potato in hers.

She never mentioned the spud when I asked her what she'd got in her stocking, until I went to tidy up her room and 'found' the potato. She was embarrassed and asked me not to tell anyone! It was our little secret for quite a while! Don't think it did anything for her behaviour though!

Sara107 · 15/12/2017 22:57

It's mean and futile as a method of discipline. Young children don't have a well developed sense of cause and consequence and delayed punishment doesn't work as they don't associate it with the original 'crime'. Your child only believes in Santa for a few years, why would you want to spoil the magic for them? If you think they get too much, buy less. If you think their behaviour is poor, tackle it with effective parenting at the time. Why would you want to make your child feel like shit on Christmas day? Because that is what a 'punishment gift' will do, make your child feel like they are a shit person, they won't have a clue which precise act has earned them the punishment. And if you explain to them it was because you did x,y and z they will then know that there is no Santa, and it is just you.

Jakeyboy1 · 15/12/2017 23:00

Hmmm not sure. With my DD she started with an alleged pile of 20 presents and if she plays up santa takes one away, if she is good she gets one back... at least no surprises on the day....

dinosaursandtea · 15/12/2017 23:01

All I'm taking away from this thread is that there are some kids who are weirdly into potatoes.

StaplesCorner · 15/12/2017 23:02

Here we go. AIBU ask the op? - yeah pretty much, says MN. Nah, says OP, you lot just need a sense of humour I'm a cheeky rebel innit?

Oh and don't forget the Xmas Grin

missperegrinespeculiar · 15/12/2017 23:12

well, don't know about Spain, but I am pretty sure that in Italy it's not Father Christmas that brings the coal, but the "befana" who is a witch the brings children sweets and small gifts in a stoking for Epiphany, and as a witch she is a little bit more temperamental than Snata! it is not at all punitive actually, as most kids would get a lump of the sugar coal in with theirs sweets, completely different in my opinion!

missperegrinespeculiar · 15/12/2017 23:13

Santa that should say!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 15/12/2017 23:15

I guess I must get my appalling parenting skills from that side of the family... wink and everyone on their continent

Everyone on their continent? Confused

AreThereAnyUsersnamesLeft · 15/12/2017 23:15

I think withdrawing privileges for specific bad behaviour is legitimate but going to the trouble of wrapping up a potato is sticking the knife in.
Also punishing for generalised naughtiness - labelling a child as generally 'bad' or 'good' is awful.

The first Christmas after starting school, my (ASD) DS didn't bother to look at his stocking on Christmas morning - his logic was that there was no way Santa could have come as he was so 'naughty' at school. We hadn't told him he wouldn't get presents he had picked it up either at school or elsewhere. Then he wouldn't believe the present in the stocking could possibly be for him - it was a bit of a wake up call for us but certainly persuaded me that constantly being on a child's case isn't the answer to anything.

RadicalFern · 15/12/2017 23:16

My friend and his brother had an awful fight on Christmas eve and woke up to potatoes in the stockings. But that was a punishment for misbehaviour just before the day, and I think they got presents in the end also, though not immediately...