Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well Sad

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 13:46

Well then if you take such a deferential and passive approach you're sat years on,unmarried
Because you cant ask your adult partner when are we getting married,let’s set date
So on basis of tradition/etiquette you sit just waitin,wondering,hoping
That’s so passive and sad.whats more you’ve given him all the power over you

Laiste · 15/12/2017 13:48

The reason for that is that in our society it's still more commonly the women who left literally holding the baby when things go wrong.

It can be hard enough to get an ex husband to cough up for their children let alone if he was just a boyfriend.

MsHarry · 15/12/2017 13:48

I think it's more important to women to be married. To a lot of men, a baby and house together is it, there is no motivation to marry. If my DH had said he'd live with me but not marry then it wouldn't have been enough for me and I'd have moved on.

Laiste · 15/12/2017 13:48

my post was to donner

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 13:50

Agree Laiste. I would never have got pregnant without being married solely for that reason. But I think women still romanticise marriage far more than men do. I’m firmly in the man camp having tried it!

AndromedaPerseus · 15/12/2017 13:51

You need to have the conversation with him and give him an ultimatum. I'd tell him that he is the one for you but are you the one for him. If he can't give you are straight yes/no answer I think you should finish with him and walk away; there's no point in wasting the best years of your life on someone who isn't committed enough to marry you rather 5.5 years together.

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 13:52

My current partner and I made it clear from the off to each other that marriage would never be on the cards.

Laiste · 15/12/2017 14:11

I think women still romanticise marriage far more than men do.

This is very true. I wonder if it's an entirely separate issue/phenomenon from the practical problems inherent in the way we breed? Marriage has been traditionally seen as the great goal for women for so long ...(princess 'gets' prince ect).

It's interesting. I have daughters and i like to think they can be excited about the prospect of marriage while being totally cold faced about the practical reasons surrounding why and when it's a good idea.

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 14:25

Laiste I think it’s that it’s still seen as goal in itself for some women that I find problematic. I absolutely endorse it for financial security when children are involved. And if a woman is going to get married then she’s entitled to be excited as you would be for any big event/gathering. But that it’s connected to status or worth troubles me.

Laiste · 15/12/2017 14:37

Yep.

If the OP was one of my daughters i certainly wouldn't be texting for updates on a ring. If she was keen for marriage and children i'd have been warning her ages ago to make sure her and her DP were moving towards being on the same page and sort out a plan B in case he wasn't.

(plan B being leave him to his bachelorhood tbh)

expatinscotland · 15/12/2017 16:04

'I bet if this man knew how the OP feels and that he was due to be issued with an ultimatum in Jan, he'd be down on one knee quicker than you can say Boodles!

At 35, and having been together for over 5 years, I wouldn't bank on that. This is the same with men that age who say they are 'not ready' for kids, you have to take them at their word and if you want kids, you need to find someone else.

For some people, marriage is important, and that includes men, for others, it's not. But when you're in a relationship where you are not on the same page, if it's not casual, it's not a long-term thing.

g1itterati · 15/12/2017 16:05

OP - are you a "big wedding" family and he senses this so it's putting him off? Do you care how you get married, e.g. would you go off and do it on holiday, for instance. Maybe it's the idea of the wedding he's stalling about, rather than the being married.

My DH proposed as a total surprise after only six months. He had the ring and did the whole thing and he was 32 then. I didn't hesitate because I knew it felt right, but the idea of the wedding terrified me as I knew my mother and his mother would be fighting for influence and we would have to have some military influence and it would be a bigger event than I felt comfortable with. Then he told me he had asked my dad for permission the previous week (that was the first time he'd met him) and my mother was already underway with it all! I just went with it. Could it be that your mum already knows something and this is why she keeps mentioning it? Otherwise it's an odd thing to do?

AgathaF · 15/12/2017 16:16

Hopefully he just doesn't know how you feel about this. Either way, whether he wants to marry you or not, it's good to have an honest talk and make him aware that you're not going to hang around waiting.

I hope it goes well for you.

Ilovetolurk · 15/12/2017 16:31

One way of seeing it OP is as follows

You mention that your job is insecure and your contract is not likely to be renewed

He has just had a massive pay rise of £40k a year (that's some payrise)

If you get married your time together before marriage will count and in a few years' time you will be into "long marriage" and all assets even those accrued before the marriage would be split from a starting point of 50:50 on divorce

If you're not working at that time he may well be having to pay spousal maintenance too

If he is not 100% sure of your relationship that's a big financial gamble he could be taking, why would he if he is happy with the status quo?

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 17:05

g1itterati "Could it be that your mum already knows something and this is why she keeps mentioning it? Otherwise it's an odd thing to do?" This seems a really odd scenario. I find the idea of a man asking the dad before his proposed bride rather silly really. I know it is nice and old fashioned etc but I don't think it is very common at all. Asking the dad after the bride to be is fine.

Please do not get the OP's hopes up, this sounds very unlikely.

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2017 17:14

Laiste "If the OP was one of my daughters i certainly wouldn't be texting for updates on a ring" Absolutely. I'd be asking why he had not snapped my lovely dd up and whether he was actually worthy of her at all, if it took him over 5 years to decide.

Magpiemagpie · 15/12/2017 17:22

LipstickHandbagCoffee You asked was my DH straight with her and didn't string her along -
I don't think - he is a pretty straight forward sort of guy . I've never known him to say or do something and not follow it through since we have been together . But it was a long time ago and I can't be sure but if I had to bet on it I would say no he didn't .

they had 2 DC and when we met and he was very upfront with me that he didn't want any more children at all , he said that from the get go 😄

That wasn't a problem for me as I already have a DC and didn't want any more either .

So as well as I know him and his ex I can't think that he would have lied and said he would get married to string her along with no intentions of doing it .

I think it was more of a case of him saying he didn't want to but maybe not really being blunt or direct enough about it and possibly his ex not hearing what he was saying ( if that makes sense )

OP going on my own experience with my DH if a man wants to marry someone they make no bones about it .

If they don't then they may try to hold it off for as long as possible sometimes deliberately & sometimes thoughtlessly

So if he knows what you want and he's not going along with it then he is being selfish because either way he should say yes I want to marry you and you go from there or no I don't and you can decide what you do next
But at the moment he has all the benefits off being married but none of the legal bits which could cost him a lot of money in the future

fruitbrewhaha · 15/12/2017 17:29

We've all been someones "first girl" in some sense.
There's been plenty of men in my life that didn't want to marry me, or even go out with me!
Perhaps your chap doesn't know you feel this way.

RebeccaBunch · 15/12/2017 19:56

You want to marry someone you can bring yourself to have a conversation with marriage about because you believe in tradition. Ok then BlushBlushHmmBlushHmmConfused

RebeccaBunch · 15/12/2017 19:57

Oops, you CAN'T bring ...

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 19:57

Op,are you waiting to be married before you have kids?

apacketofcrisps · 15/12/2017 20:15

He doesn't want to marry you. Sorry.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/12/2017 07:21

Marriage means nothing, really. My XH wanted to get married to me, I was happy as we were - he wanted to publicly declare how much he loved me...didn't stop him leaving me less than three years later (we'd lived together for nearly ten years prior).
Previous XH - married to protect the children's interests. He hardly paid s penny when we split, left me poor and bringing up five kids on benefits while he lived it up.
So, marriage? What is it good for (to paraphrase Frankie).

mogulfield · 16/12/2017 07:41

I read your update Op, it sounds like a sensible logical plan. Hopefully you’ll get the answers you need, one way or another.

Dozer · 16/12/2017 07:51

“Marriage means nothing” is bollocks. It is legal and financial, usually benefiting the one with fewer assets/lower earnings. This is very often women, especially after DC.

Swipe left for the next trending thread