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Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well Sad

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 10:36

And you know about Kate & wills cause this was shared with you over brandy schnapps
Or are you simply making something up to make a point

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2017 10:39

Being proposed to is just a formality.

I've been proposed to 3 times and all 3 of them were pissed when they did it.
Yes I got a ring and we told people etc but I knew deep down that I wouldn't marry the first 2 ( young and stupid on both occasions )

When my current dp proposed it was not how I expected it, he had no ring. It was sort of on a whim with copious amounts of wine. It was the way he did it and what he said.
This was the man who, on first meeting him declared that he never wanted marriage or kids, we now have a nearly 7yo dd and are very happy.
Being engaged or not doesn't define you or your relationship but I do believe that if you knew he wanted to get married then you would relax a bit more.

Lastly. How do you know he's not going to propose at Christmas?

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 10:47

OP if you think he wants to be married at some point then I agree you’re not the one after this time. But if he’s just not bothered about marriage then you not being good enough to be his wife doesn’t come into it. Too much store is put into being “a wife”. It’s a financial arrangement, nothing more

TheVoiceOfTreason · 15/12/2017 11:05

@BertrandRussell hehe 💍

@RaindropsandSparkles - fair enough. Husband and I are both atheists so really for us it was all about each other, so I can see why the religious aspect of the ceremony was important to you. It is perhaps over simplifying it a bit for me to describe it as just a ring and a piece of paper, our secular ceremony and the reception were full of personal little touches that made it special and important to us in ways other people wouldn't have necessarily picked up on, but the point I was really trying to make is that I don't actually feel that different for being married....

And this is what makes me sad about some of the posts on here talking about friends who "wasted" years wth previous partners who ultimately didn't propose. We learn something from every relationship. If it lasted a meaningful length of time and you were mostly happy while you were together, then imo that time wasn't "wasted", even if it didn't last forever....

PoshPenny · 15/12/2017 11:08

@OP I think you have made an excellent plan. Wishing you all the best x

ButchyRestingFace · 15/12/2017 11:14

And you know about Kate & wills cause this was shared with you over brandy schnapps

Sounds like you’ve imbibed some it yourself...

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 11:19

Are you touchy because I’m challenging your ludicrous made up comment
Or are you really so pally with Kate & wills that they discuss their proposal

ButchyRestingFace · 15/12/2017 11:21

Are you touchy because I’m challenging your ludicrous made up comment

Nope, not remotely. You on the other hand sound apoplectic at a light hearted comment.

Will it make it all better if I sing Rule Britannia?

nornironlady · 15/12/2017 11:25

With all due respect OP, it sounds like you have set yourself up for disappointment by wanting this so much with someone who may not.
You may need to be realistic about this, are you willing to end the relationship on the basis that you may never be married. For me a mortgage and a child are a much bigger commitment that a marriage would ever be and I just don't think it's that important or changes anything about my relationship. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 11:32

Sing by all means,you’re good at making stuff up and improvising
Lol,see you think I’m royalist.no. I’m pulling you up on made up comments to support post

ButchyRestingFace · 15/12/2017 11:37

Sing by all means,you’re good at making stuff up and improvising

LOL. And you’re good at OTT frothing bollox.

Moo678 · 15/12/2017 11:38

It took my now husband six years to propose, I was 27 he was 31.

He had a fairly unconventional childhood, nasty divorce, lots of infidelity, other stuff too identifying for the internet. He came into our relationship saying he would never get married. It took him six years of being with me to decide that maybe marriage was actually worthwhile and something he could succeed at. Prior to our engagment he swore that he could be equally comitted to me without us being married and we did have a mortgage together and were planning to have kids one day. For him marriage didn't equal comittment because that wasn't what he'd grown up with.

Is marriage really that important? Just because somebody doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean they don't love or see a future with you. I know several couples who are not married but have kids and have built a life together - they just don't see marriage as being important.

OP do you really love tradition more than you love your partner? I think it's a lot to give up over an expensive party and a bit of paper. And of course there are the additional rights that come with marriage but I don't get the feeling it's those you are holding out for.......

SmashingInAthleticWear · 15/12/2017 11:40

I'm just intrigued by "brandy schnapps" now. I think I want some.

slothface · 15/12/2017 11:40

Some people just aren't arsed about marriage! I don't want to get married, to anyone, ever, because I don't want to tie myself to someone to that degree and I'm uncomfortable with the patriarchal history of marriage. It's no reflection on my feelings for the person. They could be the love of my life and I still wouldn't want to. If they were dead set on it though we'd obviously have to have some serious conversations.

However, if one party knows the other does want to marry and strings them along, vaguely hinting and promising it but never doing anything about it or humming and ha-ing when the topic comes up, that's unfair.

I think you've got the right idea in instigating a conversation after xmas. You just need to know whether it's marriage in general he doesn't want, or just marriage to you.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 11:41

And you don’t react well to being pulled up in your hyperbole
Touched a nerve clearly
No doubt your riposte will be a sweary put down.or ask am I an glue?
Or Ask if I’m drunk?oh I see you have tried that. Ask if I’m on glue then?

ButchyRestingFace · 15/12/2017 11:42

Lastly. How do you know he's not going to propose at Christmas?

Well, she said she’s going to give him to mid(?) January so he still has some time left to drop to one knee.

Using the logic about an Xmas proposal though, she could be thinking “maybe he’ll propose on my birthday/his birthday/Easter/on holiday” and still be waiting a year from now.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 11:43

Never had brandy schnapps, I just imagine it as queen Betty tipple

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 15/12/2017 11:46

I waited for 7 years. I used to ask him, discuss it etc but he would always say “I am going to ask you, be patient and don’t ruin it.” He was traditional, he’d say, and wanted to “do it properly.”

When he finally proposed (the day after my birthday, so I was sad he hadn’t- again- and he explained he “wanted it to be a surprise”) I felt curiously flat.

He left me (or all but forced me to end the relationship due to his unacceptable behaviour) just four weeks before the wedding. It was never going to happen: some people are simply not for that kind of commitment (which is fine) but are too cowardly to say so to their partners who are looking for that.

I really hope things work out better for you and don’t mean to be the Ancient Mariner of delayed proposals but I would strongly encourage you not to wait around any longer. Good luck with whatever you decide.

ButchyRestingFace · 15/12/2017 11:46

Touched a nerve clearly
No doubt your riposte will be a sweary put down.or ask am I an glue?

Confused

I have no idea what you’re on about on.

Whether this is parody or a genuine froth, I can’t tell. Either way, well, that isn’t a discussion I’m interested in continuing.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/12/2017 11:47

No more hyperbole from you?good

SmashingInAthleticWear · 15/12/2017 11:47

I'm imagining Cognac mixed with Archers and a brandy snap straw.

Dixeychick · 15/12/2017 11:50

I really feel for you OP. Be kind to yourself & don't feel guilty - but I would make your friends / family feel slightly guilty for all the questions which are obviously on a sensitive subject! A few sharp words should shut them up. I was in a similar situation - DH was long-separated but not divorced from his ex, and once referred to marriage as 'just a bit of paper'. I went ape-shit at him! While it's not very romantic, I laid down the law several times & made it clear that if he didn't get on with marrying me, I was off. I wanted to get married & have kids, was 29 & didn't want to waste my time. I think some men are just plain lazy & need a kick up the ass - my DH now recognises that he needed that although it didn't go down well at the time. My advice; be very clear about what you want, and that you'll walk away if he doesn't pull his finger out. If no ring in a few months - walk away. If you do get one - get him down the aisle quickly! Enough faffing about. Lots love to you x

ButchyRestingFace · 15/12/2017 11:58

I'm just intrigued by "brandy schnapps" now. I think I want some.

I’ve googled it now. Here was me thinking it was a drink! Blush

Think I’ll stick to vodka.

Yesanothernewusernamecosstuff · 15/12/2017 12:10

I've not RTFT, but just leave. You are wasting your time.
I just got dumped on the cusp of too old to concieve naturally by someone that was "going to propose" I wasted 7 years.
If he was going to do it he would have.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2017 12:20

I think that's an excellent plan Calif. Calmly explain to him what you see as your future (marriage) and that he needs to think about whether or not his desires for his future match yours. If so, then based on current finances, you simply go get married. If not, then the two of you regretfully part ways.

My son and lovely DiL eloped on their lunch hour absolutely out of the blue. The first we knew was when they texted us a picture of their marriage license. They had been living together a few years & were in their early 30s and DH & I have a sneaky suspicion that she may have had a similar talk with him. Although we were disappointed not to have seen them get married, we were thrilled for them. After all, it's about the marriage, not about a wedding.

We knew our son loved her just by the way he looks at her when she's not watching. But we also feel that if she hadn't stated her case he most likely would have been content to just drift along living together. I think a great many men (and women) are this way. DiL took the chance and it worked. I hope it works for you, too.