Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading Christmas present from DP as I know it won’t be an engagement ring?

412 replies

CalifornianSummef · 14/12/2017 16:46

...and that’s all my friends and family keep saying thats what they expect it will be?!

Been together 5.5 years, I’m 30, he’s 35. I want to get married, he knows this. Previously he’s not been keen etc, we last had a chat about a year ago and he said he ‘Had come round to the idea more and maybe marriage is something he’d like.’ I made it clear that I wouldn’t be hanging around long term if that wasn’t ever going to be on the cards.

However, since then on Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, my 30th birthday, all my friends and family have been ‘ohhh maybe he’ll propose, bet you’ll get a ring!’ He took me away for my 30th for a romantic city break and it’s all I heard on texts etc. But nothing.

I feel disappointed anyway when these occasions pass by and there isn’t a ring, but for my friends and family to constantly keep going on about it is making it worse.

I know he won’t be getting me a ring for Christmas and I’m just dreading the ‘Oh did you get a ring?’ messages. I’m also dreading the disappointment I know that I’ll feel on the day, the disappointment that I’m coming to know too well Sad

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 15/12/2017 08:17

"As my grandma used to say "no point having the key to the toy shop if It's empty"."
Blimey. Shock

And I do understand not wanting to live with someone unmarried, or have children unmarried. The point of view I don't understand is the idea of throwing away the love and happiness you have now for the uncertainty of finding as much love and happiness with a wedding attached.....

diddl · 15/12/2017 08:17

I would have thought that wanting to be married or not were quite different "values" & might show that your're not compatible?

Can''t think of a better word than values.

DivisionBelle · 15/12/2017 08:18

ItalianGreyhound: it’s not needy to want to get married. It is needy to sit around hoping for an old-fashioned proposal.
And insane, as Bertrand says, to ruin a relationship by expecting someone to play the role you have cast them in without giving them the script.

He might well be very happy to get married, but the OP says it has only been ‘mentioned ‘ and that she has given him no clue that she has this outdated scenario in her head.

Yet loads of MNers feel able to damn the relationship.

It’s real life in the C21st. Disney princesses not required.

Dowser · 15/12/2017 08:26

Raindrops...or buying the cow if you get the milk for free lol.

I’d like to hope those sentences are outdated.
With my first husband I wasn’t particularly bothered about getting married and he asked me five times before I said yes.

With my second husband, we knew within about 5 weeks we wanted to be together . We each had our own house. Lived 25 miles from one another and we knew we’d be together one day and do you know it...it was just lovely.
Then he got made redundant and was really going to struggle financially. I can’t remember if we were engaged or not by then. It doesn’t matter, so I suggested he moved in with me and to sell his house. Which he did.
Even so, we were in no particular hurry to get married l I fancied getting married around my 60 th birthday but we were just too busy. Then I had the notion if either of us were taken seriously ill I didn’t want to turn up at hospital asking to see my partner.
So, we got married two years ago after we’d been together for 7 years.
It was fabulous. I was 63 and he was 62.
6 months later I turned up at the hospital asking to see my husband as he’d had a stroke.

😥

I’m sure hospitals have moved with the times . Just me being old fashioned.
I did get a beautiful proposal on our engagement night though and the ring we’d had specially made and we’d chosen together.
Were hurtling towards old age now and it’s a great comfort to have each other...and a great worry in case something happens to one another .

PringlesSmoothie · 15/12/2017 08:26

Hope you are ok op

Laiste · 15/12/2017 08:31

I don't understand how someone can tell a person to be strong and not depend on their partners whims and at the same time tell them they'd be 'insane' to stick to their guns about what they want from a relationship and settle for what the man wants instead. It doesn't compute.

Tell her to leave him if they have different values, tell her to make sure he knows the score, but don't tell her she's ''throwing away'' a decent relationship because she's chasing rainbows. Expecting to get married is hardly asking the moon.

PoshPenny · 15/12/2017 08:40

I'm a middle aged old bird now and I've seen this happen so many times - women hanging around wasting the best and most fertile years of their life waiting for a proposal that never comes. By the time they realise, if they ever find someone else they're too old to have a baby of their own. I think it's a tragedy. Do yourself and your dignity a favour - have the conversation with him and assuming an I don't want to get married like this/now/to you/ever outcome, start disentangling yourself from this guy in the new year - not April. Get on with your life and I hope you find someone lovely to marry and be the father of your children Thanks

Dowser · 15/12/2017 08:41

As Bertrand says it’s a shame to chuck away your present happiness while waiting for a proposal.
However if you feel your fertility is draining away and you want children then you need to have the conversation.
I was 23 when I first married and wasn’t particularly bothered about children and at 63 the second time ...well that was all over and done with by then. I had 6 grandchildren.

I think you need to put your cards on the table and tell him how you’re feeling.
Tell him if he’s not on the same page you’re prepared to set him free and wish him all the luck in the world.
You’ve had a lovely time together but you now need to think of your future. So much nicer than a marry me or else situation.

This happened to my friends daughter. She was with a lovely and wealthy man with a very enviable lifestyle.
They holidayed and lived in some exotic locations but gradually the woman started to feel like it was an empty shell.
Approaching 35 she had the talk and he let her go.
It absolutely broke her heart. She came back to the uk. Had to start again in very reduced circumstances. He never tried to win her back. They really weren’t on the same page at all.
Last I heard is she’s dating someone and the outcome is unknown.

So, you do have to be prepared to say goodbye if that is t the life you want.
It’s so hard isn’t it.

Donnerkebabbler · 15/12/2017 08:48

Dowser he was a wise man. Never risking his assets

MotherCupboard · 15/12/2017 08:58

Personally I think if op is planning to have children then she would be an absolute fool to have them without getting married first. Plenty of posts on here from women who have had kids and thought the proposal would come later but it doesn't and then they are left high and dry when the relationship breaks down. Some woman i used to work with scoffed at me for thinking marriage was important and said that it doesn't matter if you're married or not, it's just a piece of paper. it didn't matter how many times I told her about the legal advantages of being married with children she wasn't listening and she was just adamant that marriage was just a piece of paper. I think some women think that it's modern and progressive to not believe in marriage.

Aria2015 · 15/12/2017 09:24

I get this. Myself and quite a few of my friends all got to the ‘desperate to be engaged’ stage with our now Dh’s. It’s not a nice feeling when you utterly adore someone and want to marry them and they aren’t popping the question!

I think a lot of men just aren’t in a hurry. I don’t agree that if he hasn’t asked you after x years then he’s not bothered. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. What I will say is, that myself and all my friends were surprised when we least expected it so you never know!

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2017 09:32

"Myself and quite a few of my friends all got to the ‘desperate to be engaged’ stage with our now Dh’s. It’s not a nice feeling when you utterly adore someone and want to marry them and they aren’t popping the question!"

Sometimes it's as if feminism never happened.......

Hopeful103 · 15/12/2017 09:45

Sorry if I missed this ok, havr you both discussed marriage? Does he also want this? I get you, you want him to ask. Completely fine.
However after 5.5 years if hes not even thinking about it I would rethink this relationship.

SheSellSeaShells · 15/12/2017 09:47

I'm at 10.5 years, two kids and still no proposal (and he knows I want to get married, and I'm not the big flouncy wedding type - I would be perfectly happy for a registry office with no guests!!!).

Now I sometimes feel like I've wasted a lot of my life loving a guy that thinks I'm good enough to play the role of wifey, but not quite good enough for the actual title. It's been a kick to my self-esteem as the years go by.

Leave him if you want marriage before children, otherwise you might find it's too late for them.

Original poster
CalifornianSummef · 15/12/2017 09:55

For those saying ‘why would you throw away an otherwise happy relationship just because he won’t propose.’

I’d be devastated to split up with him, but if he doesn’t want to marry me, I honestly think that’s because I’m not his ‘one.’ I do actually think he probably does want to get married, perhaps just not to me. If that’s the case then I would be living ‘in fear’ over the next few years, just waiting for him to meet his ‘one’ at work or whatever and dump me on my arse.

Therefore, I’d rather ‘take control’ and end things on my terms, rather than his, potentially, later on down the line.

I’ve made the decision to leave things now until the New Year. I’m away with work from 15th Jan for 5 days, so I think I’ll sit and talk to him on the Sunday and then I leave for 5 days on the Monday anyway, which should give us both some breathing space whatever the outcome of that chat.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 15/12/2017 09:57

Good luck Calif. Be strong.

maddiemookins16mum · 15/12/2017 10:01

Your friends are plain rude. I had a friend once (when single) who'd ask me frequently how 'my love life was', I started asking her back 'how's your married sex life?'.

He either wants to get married or not. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or want to be with you though if he just doesn't want to get married.
Have a straughtforward conversation.

StealthNinjaMum · 15/12/2017 10:02

I agree, it's the imbalance of expectations and wants that is the problem. I had been with dh for about 8 years before we married but we were both laid back about it and I had no doubts that I was 'the one' for him and our feelings were reciprocated. (In this time I was also made redundant a couple of times and even as just his 'girlfriend' he made it absolutely clear he would gladly support me even though I felt ashamed to be supported by a man!)

I hope it works out for you op, you're still very young whatever happens.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 15/12/2017 10:08

@BertrandRussell speaks so much sense I think I might love her a little bit!! 😀

Seriously, if your relationship is generally good, why does a ring and a bit of paper matter that much? For me, it was a nice symbolic gesture by my now-husband when he proposed, and the inheritance and taxation implications are good, plus it will be nice for us to all have the same surname when our child is born, but other than that? It's really no different!

I certainly wouldnt have left him if he didn't want to get married! Or dreaded Christmases together. I dreaded Christmas when I was lonely, heartbroken and newly single after my last big relationship. Having someone to share mulled wine and sofa snuggles with is still lovely, regardless of your marital status.

I agree you really need to ask yourself why it's so important to you, and think about what you have got, rather than what you haven't, before you throw it all away.

Do you live together? Do you want marriage because you are religious? Do you both want kids regardless?

I honestly think that in real terms, things like buying a house together and having kids together are bigger commitments these days!

Maybe also look more deeply at reasons why he might not want to get married, but still be deeply committed. One of the happiest couples I know is my brother and his girlfriend. He would happily marry her I suspect, she however doesn't see the point in the expenditure and her perception of marriage is tainted by her parents divorcing when she was a kid. Be that as it may, they are deeply in love, own a house together, and a slightly eccentric dog. They're as committed as it gets. That's far more important than a piece of paper, imo.....

ilovekitkats · 15/12/2017 10:11

OP, my friend stayed with her BF for 12 years. As the years wore on, every year, Christmas and Birthday, she hoped for a proposal. He would hint it was going to happen. It never happened. She wanted marriage and children, it never happened.

She wasted 12 years with him. In the end, she left him and met somebody else and was engaged and married within a couple of years. Sadly no DC for various reasons. Her ex BF met somebody else, moved in with them and had a child all very quickly, and all the things that he had refused to do with my friend.

You need to have the discussion with your DP, tell him that you want to get married in the next couple of years, tell him that you would love a surprise proposal, but also make it clear that you don't want to stay in a relationship unmarried for ever. If you don't discuss this, he will have no idea how you feel.

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2017 10:17
Grin

I'm not married, TheVoice, so if you felt like popping the question.......

RaindropsAndSparkles · 15/12/2017 10:22

In terms of commitment I Don't think buying a house, etc, came anywhere near the vows DH and I made before God. I wasn't expecting the spirituality of it to be so intense but it was exquisite and indescribable. A ring isn't just a ring it is a ring blessed by God and that is why I do not take it off Well just once after 23 years to have it made a little bigger but it has since been blessed again because we renewed our vows when we had our 25th anniversary.

Trinity66 · 15/12/2017 10:30

If it were me I would hate for someone to marry me because they felt pressured to

ButchyRestingFace · 15/12/2017 10:33

If it were me I would hate for someone to marry me because they felt pressured to

Seems to be working out okay so far for Kate ‘n Wills.

mogonfoxnight · 15/12/2017 10:35

I don't think it is to do with feminism. I think for many people it is associated with the idea of having love, a future with a lovely person and an emotional connection, a home, which isn't incompatible with feminism.

But having said that, if two people are genuinely in love and secure in that, and secure that they are suited and they want enough of the same things to be happy, and they want to stay together forever, the marriage ceremony bit isn't going to be all that important, I don't think.

I think that here the OP is saying that she is realising that some of this is missing (I think!) and that would be the reason to go, and find the right person for her. Not the lack of proposal on its own.