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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIU to have reported Facebook group to school

200 replies

Cindbelly · 14/12/2017 16:22

Possibly outing so will try to keep this vague.

There’s been an unofficial ‘parents of year....’ group set up on Facebook.
Recently it’s got quite nasty with a few harsh comments made about teachers and the group admin is basically a bully. There’s also a lot of misinformation posted there (think wrong dates for coffee mornings given etc) the admin has recently had a meeting with head and posted some nasty personal comments about her and been updating the group on her ‘progress’
Reading it makes me feel uncomfortable and I left the group but keep getting re-added. (For some reason Facebook keeps automatically adding me without asking if I want to join)
Anyway today at school pick up the head asks to speak to me as she wanted to know my opinion on some of the issues raised. She knew about the group but can’t see it as it’s a closed group. I think the admin told her that ALL the parents have been messaging about these issues and she guessed it was Facebook.
I’ve told her categorically that not all the parents feel this way, just a small minoritory. She then asked me if I would be happy to screen shot the posts and send to her as she can’t see them. Without thinking I have done this for her.

But now I’m wondering if I should have? Some of these parents will have posted thinking its a safe place to vent and I don’t want anyone (or their DCs) having backlash because I’ve shared the group with the head. - myself included.

It’s done now, so pointless really, but I feel uneasy - did I do the right thing or was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 14/12/2017 22:09

Anyway today at school pick up the head asks to speak to me as she wanted to know my opinion on some of the issues raised

I can’t believe the head actually asked your opinion on this-I’m very surprised. I have also didn’t know you could be re-added to a secret group that you have chosen to leave?! But anyway-no, I don’t think I would have shared that info with the head-I’d have said that I left the group so was unable to screenshot anything.

Contact the head and tell her your concerns.

Oblomov17 · 14/12/2017 22:18

I am a member of a Facebook group for ds2's year, as I used to be for ds1's year.

As are most parents. And the ONLY things that are listed are pleasant reminders: mufti days, times of Christmas assemblies, Holy Communion classes etc.
No personal info, at all.

But if I did ever post something that I was unhappy about ..... I can't imagine what that would be ..... late change or late notice of a mufti day for example..... (never happened to me because I always sort an outfit as soon as I hear about anything..... or I chose to pay for a trip, on the day I'm sent it - only to try and keep on top of things)
But if I did. I wouldn't expect to be called a bully. And I wouldn't expect to be screenshot to Head.

If a person does that, others would presumably not trust them anymore. Thus the word snake is entirely apt.

YoloSwaggins · 14/12/2017 22:20

I would have done EXACTLY the same thing. Bullying needs to be called out for what it is.

And to anyone saying "you disrespected their privacy because it was a closed group!!!" is deluded. Once you post ANYTHING online, wave goodbye to any privacy. These things are all stored somewhere and so many people can see or screenshot anything you post - nothing is private. In fact I would call anything sent/uploaded electronically 100% fairgame.

If they didn't want it to bite them in the arse, they shouldn't have posted it online, but should have bitched and gossiped in their house instead.

Oblomov17 · 14/12/2017 22:23

Plus I stand by anything I ever say or type. So if anything was screenshot, I would say:
"Yes. That's exactly how I feel. I stand by that".

I've never said anything, that I didn't have the bollocks to say to someone's face!

Oblomov17 · 14/12/2017 22:29

If you've got a problem, tell the teacher. I did today. I rarely say anything, but I think a few things have been going wrong recently, so I told her so.

YoloSwaggins · 14/12/2017 22:29

But these people are nasty and bullies. Who gives a shit if they trust OP or not, no-one needs friends like that.

Weebo · 14/12/2017 22:29

Did you really call the OP a snake over this, Oblomov?

Do you really think chatting with a big group of people on FB is considered private regardless of it being a closed group?

Because it's absolutely not.

Oblomov17 · 14/12/2017 22:34

Sorry if I chose the wrong word.
I retract if if it's offensive.
But yeah, a snake = grasses someone up.
I would have left the group, if I thought they were a bunch of bullying bitches.
Presumably they won't trust OP again. Presumably she isn't that bothered, if she considers them not nice mums.
Hmm

Oblomov17 · 14/12/2017 22:36

Difference between:

Open
Closed
Secret

I guess.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 14/12/2017 22:36

How can parents expect their children to not engage in toxic behaviour when they are happy to do it themselves?

Don’t worry about it OP, if people do get pissy it’s because they know they are in the wrong. No one on here would like it if they knew someone was getting personal about them, and they had no way to respond to those allegations or comments.

PumpkinSquash · 14/12/2017 22:56

The head put you in a difficult position, I'd have been uncomfortable with that.
However, people shouldn't be writing about teachers on there, honestly, some people have no or little brain cells when it comes to such matters.
Even if the group is closed or private, you're still publishing your words, putting them out and can be done for libel.
Police can and have been involved in cases like this before.
People think it's like chatting to their mates. It's not. Just like on here it's not.

PumpkinSquash · 14/12/2017 23:03

It’s a closed group and people would expect the members to keep the information in it private. All you needed to do was tell the head teacher that it is between her and the one person and that no other parents have been involved.

What?! It's not private when you post it on the internet, for crying out loud! Regardless of whether it's a closed, open, or secret group.
The information is out there.
If it's just a matter between two people like you say, why not keep it that way? You automatically make it a matter between everyone when you go publishing stuff to the entire year group of parents.
You're incredibly naive if you think it stays between the two of you on an internet chat. It takes one screenshot and share and the next thing you know your gossiping has spiralled out of control and bites you on the arse.

Maryz · 14/12/2017 23:24

Whoever made the point about what if it was children doing this.

Suppose I saw that my child was in a private facebook group where they were talking about and making accusations against other children. Would I be a snake to inform the school or to tell the other children's parents?

Would those who think it's a betrayal of trust think I was betraying the children who were doing the bullying? Or that my child was betraying his friends by letting me find the group?

Should we tell our children to keep things secret if they see them because the group is "private"? If not, why should adults keep such secrets?

OP, the more I think about it the more I'm sure you did the right thing. The head shouldn't have asked you for screenshots, that was unfair of her, but given a choice between her having access to screenshots, and her not having any idea what was being said, I'd go with her knowing every time.

It's important we all call out bad behaviour, even if that occasionally means "telling tales".

WineIsMyMainVice · 14/12/2017 23:25

Don’t go beating yourself up. You can’t change it now. But you’ve not murdered anyone have you? It’s not the worst thing you can do. Actually if it helps the Head in dealing with this nightmare woman then you’ll have done some good.
I’d just try and make sure it doesn’t get out that it was you. And like another poster said, deny deny deny!
Good luck.

KatnissMellark · 14/12/2017 23:35

If you don't want to be called out on being a dick, don't be a dick Confused....online, in person, public or private. If they're being straightforward and honest why do they need to hide away?

PrincePooPoo · 14/12/2017 23:37

This is a very strange story. Bitching about people behind their back is not nice obviously, but it isn't illegal. Why does she needs screen shots, she can't very well call them in to her office for a telling off. Short of slander they can say whatever the hell they like. Almost as odd as thinking you can recall emails hours after the fact Confused

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2017 23:48

If they're using the school name in the group, and then slagging it off, they deserve all they get.

scottishdiem · 14/12/2017 23:53

So many people accepting the actions of the bullying parent. Why is that I wonder...

Lifechallenges · 14/12/2017 23:57

Oh dear this will not end up well

GreenTulips · 15/12/2017 00:07

There is great truth in the phrase “what other people think of you is none of your business”

It's one thing to think things and another entirely to air them on a public forum where you suggest 'Everyone thinks'

You did nothing wrong OP, they head may have a case for bullying. If you just stood and did nothing that would make you a bystander and equally guilty of bullying.

You didn't take a stand on your own, but you certainly helped when asked

Public or closed groups are easily shared - I'm on a few and screen shot messages to non members. It's that easy

liverbird10 · 15/12/2017 01:04

Pfft. OP, you have done nothing wrong here, and nor has the Head.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 15/12/2017 01:27

Yabu imo. Yes people shouldn't post stuff that they don't want to be shared but people will be posting on there stuff they only want to share with other parents. It's like someone talking about a teacher in a text to you and you taking the text to the school. Yes they shouldn't have sent it in a text that could be shared but it would still be out of order for you to do it in my opinion. And I can see no reason other than brown nosing and/or stirring the pot for you to be speaking to the head about it or giving her screenshots. Some parents were venting about school staff - it was nothing to do with you.

Thymeout · 15/12/2017 01:41

From what Op says, this goes beyond having a bit of a moan about short notice for mufti day. Parents are posting personal attacks on the HT and her staff.

I've seen this happen with people being hounded out of their job or forced to take sick leave for stress. All it takes is for one nasty individual and a few sheeplike followers to whip a clique up into a feeding frenzy, where people are afraid not to join in in case they are bullied themselves. It needs nipping in the bud pronto.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 15/12/2017 01:44

Well the ht wouldn't have been stressed or even aware of it had the op not drawn her attention to it.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 15/12/2017 01:46

And the ott regret on here just seems like the op wants people to tell her it was fine. And it's worked if you look at later replies.

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