antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

[ohbigdaddio]

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

I'm with you OP. It really annoys me!

Send it back with unknown at this address scrawled across it.

olive
Does it make you feel good to further denigrate a woman with your I don’t believe this because it hasn’t happened to me crap?

Well said, ^ Mummyoflittledragon

I can't muster too much indignation but my delightfully PA mother does this. I've always been Ms or Dr depending on context (not exclusively Dr since PhD, I use it in contexts where it matters or where it makes a difference to the response). Before i got my PhD the few letters she ever sent me were addressed to Firstname Taubenpost. As soon as I got the PhD she started addressing things to "Miss Initial Taubenpost". When I got married, keeping my own surname, she switched to addressing things to "Mrs Husbandsinitials Husbandsurname". Our DS has a double-barrelled surname, Taubenpost Husbandsurname. She addresses things to him as "Master Firstname Secondname Husbandsurname". Gah. I have told her that while this might have been good etiquette in her social demographic in the 1950s, it's now regarded as PA and rude, and that it has never been good manners to address people in a way they specifically do not wish to be addressed. She continues to do it.

I am at these people who continue to write the wrong thing after being asked/told not to. To be so threatened by a woman who has a PHD/become a doctor or has no wish to take her husband's surname. A woman who wants to keep her own identity, whatever next?!

I remember seeing a letter to Mrs Tom Surname for my Mum and thought it was hilarious. I thought it was a typo!

It works both ways. I get invitations through work addressed to Mrs and Mr MyName Schadenfreude!

Similarly, NewPapa my posh, older neighbour used to have her own calling cards with "Mrs Humphrey Wattinger" printed on them to leave with the various floral displays, cakes etc. she used to make/ donate, etc.
Just why? Did she want people to call her Humphrey?

I think it working both ways is a pretty new phenomenon, MrsSchad !

Widows in Holland sometimes revert to their maiden name.

Ahh yes this. We're not even married but I sometimes get post like this from DPs relatives! Which is more hilarious as my title is Dr too.

We've actually started just answering to each other's surnames which we both find mildly amusing. E.g. in the garage he came to pick me up and they told me "Mr mysurname" was here.
When on holiday we are the surname of.whoever booked it.
When we have DC we'll get around to getting married and will probably make up a new surname for all of us. Intrigued to see how the retro-letter-addressers will manage that

We are sending Christmas cards this year just so I can put "Sender" on the back with my actual name (I've kept my maiden name) to DH's relatives. Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname drives me nuts, and I agree that it is very Handmaid's Tale. It also annoys me being called Mrs DHsurname but being Mrs DHfirstname is the worst. I usually say, "Post for you DH, apparently your aunt/uncle/friend/cousin thinks you're gender fluid..."

Renfrewshire but they are not writing the "wrong" thing, they are addressing the envelope correctly. Some of you just Don't like it.

I have, however, made a mental note to change all address labels to Jane and Jack next year. MIL however, a widow would not like to be addressed as Mrs Mary Smith, she was never divorced and continues to be Mrs Charles Smith and that is what she would prefer.

I also hope nobody to whom I have sent a card, noting some kind words, or enclosing a gift token for a child as been ad resentful and vitriolic as some of you clearly are.

anyone who uses titles like Dr in a non professional environment is a bit of a knob

Dr and Mrs are both titles that you gain through an action, rather than being born with.

Is it more knobbish to use one than the other? Why?

Quite Trills Quite.

For anyone who is still clinging onto the excuse of etiquette, I definitely agree that @Ta1kinPeace 's visit to Buckingham Palace trumps anything you can read in Debretts, if etiquette is what you care about.

I strongly suspect that etiquette is not what you care about - you care about being able to carry on doing what you are doing, and being able to say that you are "correct", without caring about the feelings of the person you are addressing, or the message you are sending about the rights of women.

Trills I view Dr as an honorific. Mrs simply denotes a woman got married

You'll have to explain further as to why one is knobbish and the other is not.

Mrs and Dr are both honorifics. However the former takes many years of exceptionally hard work and if people want to flaunt it they absolutely should do so.

@RaindropsAndSparkles People, including (gasp!) women have the right to identify themselves as they wish. If you have been told that a woman does not identify herself the way you address her, then you are not addressing her correctly. Calling me Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname is as correct as calling me the Very Reverend Emiliana Periwinkle III. No part of it is my name. It is incorrect. And it is the height of bad manners to address someone with a name that she has informed you is not hers. You are in effect not addressing her at all.

They can flaunt being a Dr if they want. And I will judge them as a knob.

And I will judge you as a knob for judging them.

Ha ha curry you've hit the nail the others are missing. .

A good education, exquisite manners, professional qualifications, all sought after in a wife nowadays. It's hard work becoming a wife to a man worthy of marrying his equal

curry don’t you mean the latter? Though I’d agree that being a wife is also extremely hard work most of the time

HA! Freudian slip there or what? [biggrin]