antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

[ohbigdaddio]

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

Thank you Raindrops . It's certainly different but doing my best.

I could, and have, get worked up about friends who've known me for years not spelling my first name correctly. Think eg Clare, Clair, Claire. It's in my email address, what's difficult? I could be petty and spell their names incorrectly too but is it worth it? Some days yes, other days not so much.

As Rosa says - state how you want to be addressed if it bothers you so much. And I remember that too about tax returns, especially when the letter was signed by a woman! I think I replied to Mr. Eileen Taxman.

There's a bit towards the end of Sense and Sensibility where the Dashwoods (Mrs Dashwood, Miss Dashwood and Miss Marianne Dashwood) on receiving Edward Ferrars are trying to ask politely after the woman who dashed Elinor's hopes of happiness. It goes something like ...

I hope Mrs Ferrars is well.
Thank you, I believe my mother is quite well.
No, I meant Mrs Edward Ferrars.
... oh. Actually you mean Mrs Robert Ferrars.

At no point can any of them use her actual first name for clarification.

Assassinated you beat me to it! I always think of the Handmaid's Tale too.

Fizzy thanks for that explanation, I had always wondered why surgeons were Mr/Mrs/Ms etc.

Re people disliking doctors using your first name but introducing themselves as Dr X, there was a woman who introduced a campaign getting doctors to say "hello, my name is Susan/Peter" instead of Dr Rogers etc. Sadly she has now passed away.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-31062042

YANBU. I hate this, my MIL does it. I am my own person with an actual name. I got a cheque from her to Mrs Husbands Name and couldn't bank it in my account (think I could in the joint account though).

@AssassinatedBeauty

It's exactly like the handmaids in The Handmaids Tale. They are referred to by their male captor's name only, no one uses their actual names. I suppose that's lovely and traditional too.

Oh for fuck's sake! This doesn't even deserve a response! Stupid stupid stupid analogy!

@raindropsandsparkles

I get more wound up by things like racism and poverty tbh. And cruelty to animals including humans. Can't get worked up over this one but I do remember being proud to take DH's name all those years ago, still love it as I love him.

This ^ In spades!

I think too many people have too much time on their hands, and a blessed life... Getting angry and pissy about being called Mrs John Taylor etc.... when there are way worse things happening in the world.

And as I said earlier, it has never happened to me in 20 years of marriage. I don't know anyone - or any institution, or organisation, or ANYthing that calls me Mrs John Campervan. It just never happens. I don't know anyone else who it happens to either.

It's one of those many things that only happens on mumsnet.

@themogget

YANBU. I hate this, my MIL does it. I am my own person with an actual name. I got a cheque from her to Mrs Husbands Name and couldn't bank it in my account (think I could in the joint account though).

20 years of marriage. 2 joint accounts with my husband and one savings account each. This has never ever ever happened to me.

If a cheque was for YOU, why the hell would the sender put it in your husband's name?

This is either a genuine error on the senders part.

Or bullshit.

As Rosa says - state how you want to be addressed if it bothers you so much.

And yet we have been told upthread that this is also unacceptable, that OP shouldn't contact the card senders to give them this information.

Doesn’t bother me in the least. Sorry you’re having a bad day.

I have a habit of always addressing cards to the female partner first. E.g. To Louise and Mark or Mrs and Mr Jones.

Last year, one of the male neighbours ask me why? He seemed quite put out about it, as he said the mans name should traditionally be first. I asked him why he felt he was more important than his wife. He had no answer to that one. We ended up laughing about it (are still good friends and neighbours) except when I sent a card this year, I put 'To Jane and the snowflake' in it. He politely told me to piss off, with a smile on his face.

TheMoggett My mother sent me a cheque last birthday in my maiden name; she sent DH a blank birthday card for his last birthday, last time I spoke to her she said it was lovely to hear from me as she hadn't this year. If only she was just being a bit PA rather than developing Alzheimer's.

I'm not a medic. I'm a PhD doctor. So is DH.

I always introduce myself as Bobbin. But we were discussing written things and I like Dr because I get a different response to Mrs or Ms.

Also, from iliketosmile
"I use my Dr. because I'll be buggered if it's anyone's business whether I'm married or not"

That.

Indeed. And there's something very wrong with the judgement of anyone who thinks announcing your marital status with your title is fine, yet indicating your academic or professional qualifications with it is somehow problematic.

I take it you don't wear a wedding ring then bobbin. Well at work I only use my first name but there are a few wanky academics who sign themselves off as Prof or Dr but they are very much on the minority and tend to forget little words like please and thank you. Very, very occasionally I sign off as Mrs Sparkles to them.

I think too many people have too much time on their hands, and a blessed life... Getting angry and pissy about being called Mrs John Taylor etc.... when there are way worse things happening in the world.

Again, I can hold more than one thought in my head at once, and so be concerned about more than one thing. I'm sorry that you can't.

I wear an identical wedding ring to my husband's
we did not do "engagement"
we are equals at home and equivalents in our work

only one person treats me as his chattel when they send me letters

I couldn't care less tbh, as long as they spell or say my (dh) surname correctly.
i also don't mind what others do, life's too short to be bothered about it.

Ah well I'm boss at home and boss at work. DH only gets work

I think too many people have too much time on their hands, and a blessed life... Getting angry and pissy about being called Mrs John Taylor etc.... when there are way worse things happening in the world.

Couldn't be further from the truth. I'm going through an extremely difficult time at the moment and don't have a blessed life (hint- you'll find me on the infertility section). Like MargaretCavendish says, I can be worried and concerned with very serious things but I still have room to be a bit peeved about being called Mrs Tom HisSurname on an envelope solely addressed to me! Ok, I'm not going to lose sleep over it, l certainly have worse things happening at the moment, but I can still feel annoyed. There certainly are bigger thing going on in the world and my personal life but I was so pissed off earlier today l just needed to vent!

Who still does this ? Utter crap, but all our sir names ( SIR names ) are men’s names. My maiden name is my Dad’s name. There are no women’s names. My children had double barrelled names, which we thought was fair, but where does it end ? If my daughter had done the same, my grandchildren would have triple barrelled sir names.

It doesn’t offend me at all; but it is not actually correct with me. I am a Dr, and the correct way to write that is ‘Mr X and Dr Y Brown’ x being his initial and y being mine. But we still get letters to Mr and Mrs X Brown. Doesn’t bother me.

I don’t think 70 yo is old enough to do that! If they were in their 100’s I would look the other way.

Doesn’t bother me - it’s still a correct way to address a married woman. I can’t get worked up about it I have real issues to deal with

My MIL does this and I hate it. I think it is to punish me for not changing my name when I got married to her DS.

And yes to previous posters, she sent me a cheque in the wrong name that i couldn't bloody cash in any sodding bank account AND THEN I GOT THE BLAME FOR CONFUSING HER BY NOT CHANGING MY NAME.

@oliveinacampervan

"Oh for fuck's sake!  This doesn't even deserve a response! Stupid stupid stupid analogy!"

Don't hold back, say what you mean.

It's not an analogy. It's exactly where this convention comes from. Wives were the property of and subordinate to their husbands.