antiquated way of addressing a married woman! grrrr!

[ohbigdaddio]

I know lots of people of a certain generation still address envelopes to a married couple with the initial of the man (which I hate!) but today I received a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs Tom Surname' which I feel really stupidly annoyed about! Do I not have a first name anymore because I got married?! I'm having a bit of a bad day anyway but this has got me stewing thinking maybe I should revert back to my birth surname!

What if the couple in question are using Mx, or are using gender-neutral pronouns/terms of address...? Then what? You miserable bigots!

I don't think such wankers people tend to get xmas cards!

It's exactly like the handmaids in The Handmaids Tale. They are referred to by their male captor's name only, no one uses their actual names. I suppose that's lovely and traditional too?

It's not exactly like that at all.

I was once addressed as Mrs "husband's surname" Junior as my MIL was still alive.....

That is beyond archaic and wasn't that long ago either

I think Debrett's has it as an acceptable form of address, although a bit outdated now. I know that's how you're traditionally supposed to a divorcee.

I suspect whoever did the letters was just taught the old-fashioned way like I was 30 years ago. Even now I have to stop myself from doing it!

I think Debrett's has it as an acceptable form of address
not that I could find on their website

It's exactly like the handmaids in The Handmaids Tale. They are referred to by their male captor's name only, no one uses their actual names. I suppose that's lovely and traditional too?

Er, no, that was fictional. However I agree with you about tradition being pretty awful at times and no justification for anything (see also: culture). The fact that so many find being called Mrs Husband insulting or offensive shows it's time that that tradition was consigned to the scrap heap.

Oh not feckin Debretts again!

Of course it's fictional. It's a horrific dystopian fiction.

Maybe the tradition has not been 'consigned to the scrap heap' because many others couldn't care less/are OK, even happy, with it?

Each to their own.

Ta1kinPeace

To be fair, my copy is pretty old - I didn't even know they had a website!

I have found universities to be the most egalitarian of work places. Everyone is on first name terms, from HoD to technicians. Very little need for titles in day to day conversation. Except for that one prof who insists on wearing a bow tie. Every department has one!

I use my Dr. because I'll be buggered if it's anyone's business whether I'm married or not.

It's not each to their own, though, Selena, women are being addressed by their husbands' names whether they like it or not.

Yes because if you don't like patriarchal hangovers then screw you, you don't deserve the legal protections of marriage, right?

Legal protections of marriage Also known as codependency on the patriarchy

mumof56 You would ring someone to correct their spelling???
WoW

I was joking! But a sense of humour is maybe hard to convey over the old keyboard!

Thanks for all your posts. I think the main point I was trying to make was that I am not Mrs Tom HisSurname and it was totally bizarre to see that written on an envelope addressed to just me. Still bollocks Fair enough if people of a certain generation do it when addressing us as a couple but just addressing me as Mrs Tom HisSurname is crackers. In my opinion! If it was so common place how come all my bank statements etc don't also address me in such a way?! (Again, I am joking.)

Seriously though; turn it around and if my DH received a letter addressed to Mr Annabel OhBigDaddio he would be like "WTF?!"

Late to the thread, confess I haven't read it all but skimmed.

Working in customer service I ask each what 'title' they prefer to use, and if adding another contact, ask what title they prefer, too. Some prefer no title at all. MX is also a choice. Their preference is then registered.

That said, when, in the 1970's, my early adult years, I was taught that you address correspondence to a married female as Mrs Thomas Smith, unless she is a widow. In which case you address her as Mrs Jane Smith. The word widow has stayed with me and superstition means that I continue to address my few Christmas card and birthday cards thus.

Silly I know. But 40 years of superstition.

This came up last year and no doubt, in 2018 it will too.

selenaValentina I am so sorry. What a horrid time of year this must be for you.

Oh Well, I've been married nearly 27 years and was 30+ when we got married. I quite like it and had a v successful career and my own house when I got married. Went back to work early 0's and have another successful career.

Happy to be Mrs DH domestically and first name me professionally.

I get more wound up by things like racism and poverty tbh. And cruelty to animals including humans. Can't get worked up over this one but I do remember being proud to take DH's name all those years ago, still love it as I love him.

I get more wound up by things like racism and poverty tbh. And cruelty to animals including humans. Can't get worked up over this one but I do remember being proud to take DH's name all those years ago, still love it as I love him.

Shockingly I manage to care about racism, poverty, cruelty and everyday things that perpetuate sexism. I don't even find it that hard!

And I love my husband very much too - he also loves me, yet he didn't want to take my name either. Funny that, isn't it?

IMHO, anyone who uses the title Dr. that isn't a medical practitioner is a bit of a knob.

This comes up again and again and it shows real ignorance.

If you are a medical doctor, the 'Dr' just describes your job. It's not your title. If you're not actually doing Doctoring as your job you're not supposed to use it. It's why people sneer at 'Dr' Liam Fox for still using Dr as his title when he hasn't practised medicine for 30 odd years or whatever. And it's why consultants aren't Dr any more, but are known as Ms/Mr/Mrs whatever. They stop being 'Dr' when they don't do that job any more. It's a bit like calling someone Dentist Smith.

When you gain a doctorate, you become a Dr permanently: that is your title. It's like getting married and changing to Mrs - it describes what you are, not what you do, and you can choose to use it or not but THAT is the 'version' of Dr which is actually a given title.

They are completely different things, but people are more used to encountering medical professionals who use the handy 'Dr' shorthand that's historically been used to describe this particular job - and so come out with lines like the above. It's interesting though as it's so madly chippy - much easier it seems for folk to be ok with a special title that describes a job rather than what they see as a 'rank' in some strange way!

Hmm. Mine didn't want to take mine, partly because it was bloody awful and tbf I was glad to get rid of it. My grandad oth was pleased to take my grandmother's. Nice English name for a Russian chap.

I did get the rage, which has stayed with me, when in the 70's my tax returns were addressed to Mr Rosa, for your wife
So fuck the patriarchal life we live.

For all those thinking using a doctor title makes you a knob (I don’t in day-to-day life btw, would hardly ever get the opportunity) surely a stickler for tradition should be at pains to use correct titles. So the fact that they don’t makes me think that the whole traditional way of addressing a woman is ok when it puts her in her place but not so important when it would show her respect.

Also known as codependency on the patriarchy

Yes, nothing says fuck the patriarchy quite like a woman having to pay inheritance tax on the family home when her partner dies.

Meanwhile, people need to understand that quoting Debrett's in support of this practice is not helping your argument. The opposite, in fact. And this is not new information to at least one of the culprits.

Also OP, by all means revert to your own surname if you want, but don't be thinking it'll save you from this stupidity. I have never used DHs name but we still get cards with this outdated nonsense every year. Glad you posted this thread though: every time this topic comes up, someone reads it and learns not to do it again.

A certain medical journal used to indicate the sex of authors of scientific papers by using just an initial for males and first name for females, so Dr J Smith, Dr Jane Smith. Why I’m not sure.

I like the suggestion from a pp of using ‘The’. I use it especially this time of years when addressing Christmas cards, so ‘The Smiths’, ‘The Bakers’

Glad you posted this thread though: every time this topic comes up, someone reads it and learns not to do it again

We can but hope.