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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it odd they took part of DDs present home?

240 replies

WeLikeLucy · 12/12/2017 22:27

This is not a biggie, but it's just annoyed me. Do you think this is a bit odd or unreasonable...

For my DDs birthday I put together a selection of beads for her to make necklaces with. We are not hard up, but not particularly well off either so I'm always scrimping a bit when it comes to birthdays and trying to get bargains. Anyway, there were two very large fancy beads in the set that were intended to be necklace pendants.

We had my DH's friends staying over at ours, two days after her birthday. They knew the beads were a present. Their DS made a necklace with the beads and used one of the large pendants. Straight away I overheard his mother say quietly "I'll put it in my handbag", when he showed it to her. They took it home.

It has annoyed me - wouldn't it have been normal to say "well remember these were DDs birthday presents, so let's not use the large bead" or "Let's make necklaces but we may not be able to take them all home"?

My DD is disappointed that the bead she thought was special and a favourite has gone. BTW I did not suggest getting the beads out - I walked into the kitchen and they were already playing with them (the mother supervising).

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2017 16:04

It is really very specific to say that you believe the beads are for taking and the pendants aren't. When you have specific beliefs about things, you need to be explicit with people. We don't all think the same way and need to communicate what we need and want.

Or, as my dispute resolution and communication expert friend says, "if you didn't ask, you don't get to bitch about it". Grin

Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 14/12/2017 16:09

I wouldn't think it was odd if friends came over and ate the food I put in front of them. If you read the thread - which is now very long! Then you would get what my point was. The point isn't about the money. My post above is in response to people talking about play dates and the expectation to take something home - a comment made in relation to a separate point made.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 14/12/2017 16:16

No the cost of the bead does not have a bearing. I've explained already and I think this thread is now going round in circles a bit! I can't even remember how much it cost - I bought and collected the beads over the year. Soz I'm leaving the conversation! I think it's all been said. Thanks for your responses. Food for thought.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2017 16:59

Well it does really. As someone said upthread it could be Swarovski crystal for all we know. My guess is that it could be anything from 50p to several pounds and they way you’re describing it is more on the higher side. Im imagining your reluctance to say indicates it’s on the cheaper side. And that’s how the mother saw it. Just a pendant. One for each child to make a necklace. I got dd an advent calendar from H&M. It’s got a ton of jewellery in it for a bargain price of £13.00. Rudolph earrings today, a pendant another. That’s 50p each item and some nice stuff.

Whinesalot · 14/12/2017 17:23

I think her need not to upset her son was greater than her need to respect your obvious hint, especially as it was done quietly. Poor form in my opinion.

Originalfoogirl · 14/12/2017 17:54

Or I would have stepped in when I saw my child using the bead and said - "Don't use that special one, it was a recent present and DD may want to keep it". I just think the mother's behaviour was a bit weird, particular as I hinted in front of her about it. I would have got the hint.

You didn’t “hint to her” you made a comment to a child. If it was that special, you should have spoken directly with a clear instruction. Good for you, that you would have understood your own hint, she clearly did not.

She is not “weird” because she did something differently to you. And given the responses here, the expectation that craft jewellry would come home is far from unusual. Instead of having a go at how weird she is for doing something entirely acceptable, maybe take a look at how your own actions didn’t prevent it.

ZoopDragon · 14/12/2017 18:02

I think they were a bit thoughtless but not rude. I doubt they realised there were only 2 fancy beads in the set, or that you'd put the set together for her birthday. If a visiting child made something at my house I'd expect them to take it home, anything I didn't want them to use would be kept out of sight. Asking for it back would be a bit like asking for special pipecleaners or Pom poms back. I expect the mum was delighted her son had made something for her and thought the beads were just craft materials.

BrieAndChilli · 14/12/2017 18:10

I would think of beads as a consumable, DD gets bead sets all the time and makes jewellery. And any visiting children make them and take theirs home, I would think of beads the same as craft materials. If the child had made a picture and stuck stuff on or made a model out of card and shapes etc it would be assumed they could take it home
Different with actual toys but I would never think of beads as a toy, they are a craft material in this house and could be the same for your friend.

ZoopDragon · 14/12/2017 18:11

And definitely don't text asking for it back! That would seem very petty.
The child created something special out of craft materials you'd left accessible, to ask for part of his necklace back would be mean!

PumpkinSpicexx · 14/12/2017 18:47

I think the mother had her "beady" eye on the special bead and when you see her next she will be wearing it round her neck!! Lol

manicmij · 14/12/2017 18:52

If you didn t declare that the beads had to stay with you or that the big ones were special so not to be used then really you left yourself open for this to happen YABU

thegrinchreaper · 14/12/2017 19:24

What a lovely present for DD to have!
The mother was clearly being sly. She knew it was a present, she knew you had strongly hinted that he would have to leave the pendant, not take it home. Which is why she whispered to him out of earshot, to put it in her bag.
For me, it isn't about the nature of the toy or its value. I wouldn't help myself to other people's things, especially not those of a child.

Lionnesss · 14/12/2017 19:35

What a lovely present I would feel exactly the same as you and I would have told my child not to take the necklace home I think the mother was thoughtless and clearly don't take time to put presents together like the way you did and that's probably why she thought nothing by taking it home with her

jwpetal · 14/12/2017 20:22

We have gone to many places that had the beads out and taken home. I never saw it as the same as lego. I feel the same about ours. So perhaps the mother did not think the same way as you. Perhaps in the future you should speak up and state that the beads are for later.

Sisinisawa · 14/12/2017 21:17

I'd never expect to take someone's beads home. I always tell my children they're just for playing with there.
I'm astounded how many people would take them. Would you take Play Doh creations?

QueenUnicorn · 14/12/2017 21:59

I wouldn't take a pendant home, beads -yes, pendant - no. Or at least I'd ask.
So yes I agree it's a bit odd but she probably didn't think that much into it.

AL75 · 14/12/2017 22:03

The only thing to do in this situation is text the mum saying that your daughter is looking for her pendant and needs it back.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 15/12/2017 01:09

I think you and your dd obviously think these bigger beads or pendants are extra special but maybe the other mother just saw beads and some bigger (but not particularly special) beads. If a friend was sharing with my dd and the friend seemed happy for her to use stuff I wouldn't butt in. Maybe if there was only one of a special bead I might get my dd to check if it was ok but tbh I would expect a child to be able to communicate that themselves.
And I think you need to either teach your dd to share her stuff without complaint or just not get it out.
How exactly do aqua beads work in your house? I get that they need replacing when used but if your dd gets them out on a play date is her friend supposed to just watch her make stuff? Or are they allowed to make it but not spray it?

Purplealienpuke · 15/12/2017 07:39

Yes I think it's very rude! But you should have pulled the friend up at the time!
You can buy beads separately I'm sure in craft shops etc. Maybe dd will find something nicer and maybe you'll be more forthright in future when people are taking the piss 🤔

jocarter67 · 15/12/2017 07:53

She has literally just taught her DS to steal in my eyes, she knew full well that he wasn’t supposed to take it home, hence she put it straight into her bag. Very rude and very out of order,

number1wang · 15/12/2017 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smudge100 · 15/12/2017 08:47

If they didn‘t ask, it‘s theft. The comment about putting it in her handbag suggests that she knew it was unreasonable, otherwise she would have taken it openly. I‘d call her out and clearly and calmly request its return. Sugggest it was a misunderstanding. Then the ball is in her court. If she acted in good faith, she‘ll happily return it.

KalaLaka · 15/12/2017 10:33

So I should offer to return the item at the end of the play date and if the host agrees then never have another play date with their child

Ha! Me too :) who knew?

Stickaforkinimdone · 15/12/2017 10:56

Unless it’s a party where making arts and crafts/beading stuff then of course the child shouldn’t take the beads home and nor should the mother have facilitated!! It’s another kids TOY ffs!

I’m amazed, literally baffled that some of you think your kid gets to take stuff home like that from another child’s house!

Unfortunately OP this is why parents have to put the decent toys away when you have playdates-because the world is full of cheeky fuckers like that mother! And apparently some of them are on this thread!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/12/2017 12:15

Beads aren't toys. They're craft equipment!

Unless you're talking wooden beads with numbers on them and shoelaces!

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