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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it odd they took part of DDs present home?

240 replies

WeLikeLucy · 12/12/2017 22:27

This is not a biggie, but it's just annoyed me. Do you think this is a bit odd or unreasonable...

For my DDs birthday I put together a selection of beads for her to make necklaces with. We are not hard up, but not particularly well off either so I'm always scrimping a bit when it comes to birthdays and trying to get bargains. Anyway, there were two very large fancy beads in the set that were intended to be necklace pendants.

We had my DH's friends staying over at ours, two days after her birthday. They knew the beads were a present. Their DS made a necklace with the beads and used one of the large pendants. Straight away I overheard his mother say quietly "I'll put it in my handbag", when he showed it to her. They took it home.

It has annoyed me - wouldn't it have been normal to say "well remember these were DDs birthday presents, so let's not use the large bead" or "Let's make necklaces but we may not be able to take them all home"?

My DD is disappointed that the bead she thought was special and a favourite has gone. BTW I did not suggest getting the beads out - I walked into the kitchen and they were already playing with them (the mother supervising).

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 13/12/2017 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhyOhWine · 13/12/2017 10:00

Unless I am misunderstanding the nature of the present, I dont think it is that bad. When DDs were younger they had various craft items and would use them to make stuff when friends are here, and friends would always take home what they had made (just as DDs would bring home stuff they had made at friends' house). I think they expect to take stuff home that they have made because that is what happens at nursery, school etc.
Yes, maybe not great that he chose the most expensive item for his necklace, but once he had done so, i dont think it was wrong for him to expect to take his craft home.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 13/12/2017 10:15

Sarah yes...that. I remember a friend asking me to cover her lunch in a cafe which only took cash and that twenty quid extra was all I had left for the next three days!

I had to ask her to go to a cashpoint before she went home. I was so Blush but I shouldn't have been.

She just had no idea that anyone could only have twenty pounds to last them for three days.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 13/12/2017 10:16

Hang on. You weren't there when they got all the stuff out. What does your DH say as I presume he was hosting (and they are his friends)

If your DH said they could play with DDs presents then yes I'd expect things my child made to come home (although I personally would check first!!!) I wouldn't also let my child make the aqua beads as they're a 'one time only' thing once they're set. It's not like play dough where you just smush it up again.

If they just got the stuff out and didn't ask first then it's beyond cheeky.

Poor dd though. I can imagine she's upset

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2017 10:22

I think this is lesson learnt for you. And your dd. And as such, I would chalk it up to experience and buy another bead. Next time you have friends over, get dd to hide what she doesn’t want playing with.

BarbarianMum · 13/12/2017 10:26

If there is Lego (absolutely don't take) on one side and a drawing on the other (take), a bead necklace would be in the middle. I would totally expect a child to take it home if they made it at my house.

^^This.

MrsU88 · 13/12/2017 10:34

umm its a difficult one. I was ready to come on and say if your dd and another child were making necklaces then it would be ok for them to take their creation home.

BUT this was a special bead your dd got for her birthday
AND you didn't get the beads out.... its pretty rude to get something out like that without your permission.

Maybe send a message asking if they had seen the certain bead as your dd has been looking for it as its a special one.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 13/12/2017 10:36

I definitely think if you text please don't fib and say "I've lost the bead, do you know where it is?". That is weird and accusatory, because obviously you think she took it and she will know that and feel like she shouldn't have. The text above just saying 'I didn't realise but DD is obsessed with the big beads, if [your DC] is finished with the necklace is there any way we could have it back?' etc is much better.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 13/12/2017 10:38

If anyone made a bead necklace in my house I would pay them to take it away. We have about three jars of beads and buttons and all that crap and I find them everywhere. Anyone who wanted to help me get rid of them would be welcome to help themselves Grin

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2017 10:43

I often get beads and stuff out for craft playdates and it would not occur to me that it would not be taken away at the end of the day when they made it.

I also think you are overthinking the mum saying quietly Ill put it in my handbag as her thinking that was the wrong thing to do - if mine handed me a necklace at a playdate that they have made I would have just put it away safely

What I would have done is when I saw why did you not say about the two big beads at the time: I would have expected if it were a problem the host would have told me (either to the child or to me so I could have handled my child) otherwise I would have assumed that it was ok to do so.

I would just send a quick text apologising and say that DD really loves the bead and would it be ok to have it back

theEagleIsLost · 13/12/2017 10:48

I probably would have fished the pendent beads out when I saw them there to avoid the issue then expect other beads to go home with the child or intervened and put it all away if wasn't happy for other bead to go home - it's what I've done in the past without apparently causing offense. Otherwise there is an expectation craft stuff goes home with the child.

It's taken many years to get to that point though.

We currently have a fair bit of craft stuff bought in better times its amazing number of visitor’s children and adults who see it and want to take stuff from it and I feel such a fool policing it and saying no often after DC or DH have said yes already.

However if I don't I can’t afford to replace so my kids don’t have it as a resource any more.

For example I bought bulk brought some backing boards mainly for secondary school display as part of project posters – 30 assumed that it would see all three children though few remaining years of school posters but of the 30 we've used 6- 2 of which was DH using them instead of the perfectly fine box cardboard and they are all gone.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 13/12/2017 10:53

To me, that's stealing. What's she teaching her DS? Xmas Shock I realise that my reaction may be over the top, but I think my DGPS did too good a job of instilling a sense of right and wrong in me! Xmas Blush

Jaxhog · 13/12/2017 10:56

I’d be inclined to message them and say something like “DD can’t find some of the special beads she got for her birthday. I remember DD and your DS were making necklaces with the beads - please can you check to see if any were accidentally taken home with you?”
This. I could understand her DS taking it home, but not the mother.

RestingGrinchFace · 13/12/2017 10:56

So where did the beads come from? If they were in plain sight or your DD suggested playing with them it would be a bit rude of you to expect the little boy to leave behind what he had made. If the mother went looking for something for them to do it was rude of her not to ask you whether it was ok for them to use the beads (you may have needed them for sonething in particular).

jennawade · 13/12/2017 11:03

"If there is Lego (absolutely don't take) on one side and a drawing on the other (take), a bead necklace would be in the middle. I would totally expect a child to take it home if they made it at my house."

Agree with this. If kids make stuff at my house - hama beads/drawings/necklaces then I would expect them to take it home as I certainly don't want it. I don't think the other Mum did anything wrong - and asking for the single bead back would be odd IMO.

If the bead was v special to your dd then replace it. then make sure she doesn't use this set with other kids around?

OnASummersDay · 13/12/2017 11:07

I would assume that anything made at a friend's house was okay to take home. However, if you said that they should be left at home and the mother still took it, then you are not being unreasonable.

MammaTJ · 13/12/2017 11:10

So, you said that he might not be able to keep the beads, then the mother quickly put the necklace in her bag after he had made it. You will not be getting those beads back, no matter how nice a text you send her. She decided he made, he WILL keep it!

Sorry!

Autumnskiesarelovely · 13/12/2017 11:23

Yes it’s a bit of a grey area. If you are doing crafty stuff then another child may want it as it’s their creation.

If it were me I’d let it go, but be very clear next time that anything precious doesn’t get made by others. It’s a teachable moment!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 13/12/2017 11:46

This is why I think the point of whether this DC was INVITED to play with DDs present or his mum just got it out herself is a really important point.

If your DH said lets get it out and make stuff then yes I think people would reasonably expect to take the crafts they've made home.

BUT if the mum just got the present out and started making stuff (as well as the aqua beads I notice) then thats extremely cheeky

BaronessBomburst · 13/12/2017 12:03

DS was always bringing bead necklaces home from Reception. I'd always hand them back the following morning. Eventually the teacher told me to keep one on the basis that he clearly loved them so much.

I would definitely ask for the bead back and wouldn't care if she thought I was being weird or tight. I think she was being bloody sneaky at best, a thief at worst, so her opinion is of no interest to me whatsoever!

Brandbrandbrandy · 13/12/2017 12:07

Your ds sounds adorable Baroness!

Scabbersley · 13/12/2017 12:08

Another one here who would have assumed it was for making and taking. If you rang me and told me I should return it I'd think you were bonkers.

What was the guest supposed to do, watch your dd making a necklace??

PathologyGeek · 13/12/2017 12:10

I’m in a similar situation. My daughter wore a moana necklace to her party at the weekend. We completely tidied the hall at the end and have been through our boxes. No necklace. So someone had taken it home. It would be difficult to throw away as it is very substantial. I’m far too timid to ask all the parents!Blush

Wishingandwaiting · 13/12/2017 12:15

Whilst it was special to you and your dd, to others it was just a bead.

RoseWhiteTips · 13/12/2017 12:24

The woman put it in her bag without asking. She knew very well what she was doing. I hate the entitlement and the sheer bad manners of some people.