Is it odd they took part of DDs present home?

[WeLikeLucy]

This is not a biggie, but it's just annoyed me. Do you think this is a bit odd or unreasonable...

For my DDs birthday I put together a selection of beads for her to make necklaces with. We are not hard up, but not particularly well off either so I'm always scrimping a bit when it comes to birthdays and trying to get bargains. Anyway, there were two very large fancy beads in the set that were intended to be necklace pendants.

We had my DH's friends staying over at ours, two days after her birthday. They knew the beads were a present. Their DS made a necklace with the beads and used one of the large pendants. Straight away I overheard his mother say quietly "I'll put it in my handbag", when he showed it to her. They took it home.

It has annoyed me - wouldn't it have been normal to say "well remember these were DDs birthday presents, so let's not use the large bead" or "Let's make necklaces but we may not be able to take them all home"?

My DD is disappointed that the bead she thought was special and a favourite has gone. BTW I did not suggest getting the beads out - I walked into the kitchen and they were already playing with them (the mother supervising).

Was your DD not upset at the time? Did she not say “I wanted to use that one!” I’m wondering if this issue is actually more about how you expected the gift to be used, rather than your DD’s upset? e.g you had an idea that she’d make lovely necklaces for herself/enjoy lots of time and fun with the Aquabeads but now she’s not getting the benefit of them? But if she sat happily & let her friend choose, make & take his creations then perhaps that’s just how it is, and a (small) lesson learned in not using things you’ll not want to give away later?

I’m with the “different expectations” camp rather than the “evil sneaky handbag stealer” camp. If I had been supervising I’d check it was OK to use that bead, if it was obviously special, and I’d check it was ok to take it away. But you should have been more direct when you walked in.

There was a good text upthread about “if her DS is finished with it” and “DD is mentioning her special bead”. But I’d only do this is DD was genuinely very upset & I couldn’t replace it myself.

Am I the only one here who used to reuse beads as a child?

I had a bead set and half the fun of it was taking the old bead necklaces to pieces and then mixing all the beads up to make completely new necklaces. Isn’t the whole point of a bead set - like Lego - being able to take old creations apart and remake them?

It’s not like some craft toy (e.g. aqua beads, drawings) where once you’ve made one thing it’s fixed and unchanged forever and you can’t play with it anymore

Sparkle I think that’s totally valid- my DC reuse beads etc but if they were making with their friends, and one made a “special” necklace for their mum, then they’d take it away. The expectation is different I think when creating with friends instead of alone. The expectation wasn’t set at the time is OP’s problem. I think she saw the bead set as precisely how you describe- an ongoing activity kit for her DD to use and reuse. But didn’t communicate that.

Hmmm I do crafts like that with children in my house all the time and something like a necklace they’d made would go home I wouldn’t think twice about it BUT my daughter wouldn’t be allowed to play with a craft set she didn’t want to share when there was other children around. I can see from both sides. Does sound like the mum did it sneakily on this occasion though and seemed to know your daughter would want to keep it and that’s where they went wrong.

This reminds me a bit of that film called 'Deceived' with Goldie Hawn. A child takes a necklace out of a dressing up box home and the parents won't give it back because the child likes it so much. . And it's really a museum piece worth millions. You could say that the gems were real. But then you wouldn't get them back at all. Sorry to digress. They were cheeky and rude.

I also think this thread is odd.
If I have children over to play and they do a craft activity they absolutely take their own craft home with them.
I can sort of understand the upset caused by the loss of a special birthday bead but then that was really up to the either the Op, her daughter or her DH to say that particular one couldn’t be taken away.
But getting cross over a child using aquabeads to make something, even if it is wonky, is just bizarre
Gee, just don’t have kids over to play and do crafts if you are so agitated by this. I feel sorry for the other mother tbh who probably has no inkling she or her child have done anything wrong in the OPs eyes.

Who actually wants the necklaces that they make BTW? All the people thinking that the other mother "stole" it.... If I were pinching stuff from other people's houses it wouldn't be some craft item that my child had made!

If my child had made a necklace at a friends house I would absolutely expect they would bring it home - and vice versa.

Let me add I would have no desire to have the bead necklace but surely if you make something at a friends house you take it home.

It's probably still in the bottom of the woman's bag.

Also saying he may not be able to take ALL of the necklaces/bracelets home does imply that taking 1 would be ok.
I do find your attitude pretty odd op. Was the pendant worth A LOT of money or something? You say you aren't hard up and have hosted your dh's friends, presumably fed them and been hospitable so it's weird you're so concerned about a bead.
If your dd was upset why didn't she say so at the time? I would certainly have taken it off or told my child to leave the necklace if their friend was upset. It does sound like it is more you who is annoyed about it op. Does your dd never bring home craft things from friends houses? Ime it is a normal thing to do on a play date - necklaces, friendship bracelets, aqua beads etc. It would never occur to me that children should return the resources they've used and I'm happy that my kids share with their friends. If anything is particularly special then it needs to be put away or your dd needs to not get it out when others are there.
My dd never takes necklaces apart once they are made. She gives them to family or friends or makes them for herself and wears them to parties. I wasn't aware that other kids just enjoyed the threading part

Well we need to know the value of the bead before we can judge if the mum swiped it to sell on eBay!

Is this a wind up??

You saw they were crafting with beads. You had the chance to step in, retrieve the “special” beads and say, “let’s put these over here so they don’t get lost”

You heard the mum say it would go in her handbag (you added “quietly” so as to invite us to believe she knew she was doing something underhand). You had the chance to step in and say “can I just check the “special” bead isn’t on there, she’ll be upset to lose it”

I have a gazillion beads, if crafting with beads, kids take the stuff away. I wish they would do so more! Beads are consumables, I wouldn’t think twice if our girl brought me a bracelet she made on a play date. If you called and asked for it back you’d be welcome to it as I also have a gazillion of those, but I would think it odd.

Your daughter might be upset, but, our girl once cried buckets because her “favourite” hair elastic snapped. Nothing special, it was the same as a dozen others but none of the rest were good enough. Guess what? She got over it.

How much was the bead to buy OP?

Reading all the posts, I think my original post did not give enough detail and the scenario comes across wrong. I had been at work and DH had let them get the beads out. By the way - the post about Aquabeads was a joke - that's why I put LOL at the end. I also started the original post by saying 'it's not a biggie (big issue).

The main point really is that I feel the other parent's behaviour is a bit odd. If it had been the other way around and I had gone to someone's house and the children got out a brand new birthday present, and I saw there were only two big fancy beads, I would have told my child not to use that bead or that that particular bead could not be taken home. It was a big elaborate pendant - quite different to the others (and there were A LOT of other smaller beads).
It doesn't matter how much it cost - it matters that it was a recent present and obviously a particular bead to my child. She was upset about it (but not in front of the boy - she talked to me afterwards about it).

The comment I made to the child about not taking all the beads home, was really for the mother to hear, who was standing near by. If another mother had said that to me, I would have got the hint and stepped in. I really did not think I had to be so direct about it at the time! Maybe I was wrong. I thought it should have been obvious to the mother.

When I walked in, the necklace was almost finished and the big bead was stuck in the middle - I could not have taken it off without taking apart most of his necklace. He got up after 2 mins and walked straight to his mother with it (who was now in another room). She did say about the handbag quietly. I would have looked like a knob by that point if I'd walked into the room and said - "You can't take that bead home".

Maybe you had to be there.

Original - It's not about the child being upset - see above post. If it had been me at a friend's house after a child's birthday, I would not have taken the necklace home. Or I would have stepped in when I saw my child using the bead and said - "Don't use that special one, it was a recent present and DD may want to keep it". I just think the mother's behaviour was a bit weird, particular as I hinted in front of her about it. I would have got the hint.

The kid only took one right? From the mums pov there was one each. It’s not fair to put stuff out and say it’s not ok to use it. Your dh needed to deal with it but didn’t. It’s a lesson learned.

Omg please just go and buy another set, don't bad mouth the mother to your dd and tell dh not to put out The Big Beads in future

YABU - they played with the beads, made necklaces of course they would want to take them home. just like if they'd iced biscuits they would want to take tem home. Wouldn't enter my head to think otherwise!

OP I suspect the Mother hadn't taken any notice of what beads there were and weren't in the set.

They were "just beads"

Get DD another.

Scabbersley - I haven't bad mouthed the mother to my DD. Where does it say that? I told her that she needs to share her toys and it's OK he took the necklace home. And that I'd buy her some more. I just think the mother's behaviour was odd/rude, as I keep on repeating. Looks like lots of people have agreed with me, just as others don't. I guess we all have different ideas about what's normal in these circumstances.

OK

I think it's odd and rude to think a mother is stealing from you

I said at the beginning that this isn't a big issue. Mumsnet is also for chat. Every single post on here isn't deathly serious. Just wondered what others' thoughts were on this.

I didn't say stealing. Where does it say stealing? I said odd / weird, but perhaps thoughtless is a better word. If it had been the other way around, and it was obvious there were two particularly large, nice beads that were a recent present, I would have thought twice about my child just presuming to take it home.

How would the Mother know they were a recent present though OP?

Yes she knew it was a present, it was in a pile of her presents. Her birthday was only two days before. This wasn't a shop-bought prepared set of beads. They were a set I'd put together from lots of different bead packs, or individually. They were in a wooden box I'd made.

But I keep saying it's not a big issue (my first sentence on the original thread). Just for discussion. It's not what I would have done in those circumstances. Even my DH was surprised when I said they took that bead home, and he is very laid back.