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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it odd they took part of DDs present home?

240 replies

WeLikeLucy · 12/12/2017 22:27

This is not a biggie, but it's just annoyed me. Do you think this is a bit odd or unreasonable...

For my DDs birthday I put together a selection of beads for her to make necklaces with. We are not hard up, but not particularly well off either so I'm always scrimping a bit when it comes to birthdays and trying to get bargains. Anyway, there were two very large fancy beads in the set that were intended to be necklace pendants.

We had my DH's friends staying over at ours, two days after her birthday. They knew the beads were a present. Their DS made a necklace with the beads and used one of the large pendants. Straight away I overheard his mother say quietly "I'll put it in my handbag", when he showed it to her. They took it home.

It has annoyed me - wouldn't it have been normal to say "well remember these were DDs birthday presents, so let's not use the large bead" or "Let's make necklaces but we may not be able to take them all home"?

My DD is disappointed that the bead she thought was special and a favourite has gone. BTW I did not suggest getting the beads out - I walked into the kitchen and they were already playing with them (the mother supervising).

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 12/12/2017 22:45

It's not just odd, it's very rude and they don't sound like good friends. I would be getting in contact and politely telling them to return the beads.

SunshineTheMonkey · 12/12/2017 22:46

Oh I don't know, I think you should have said at the time if you didn't want him to keep them.

If he made a necklace it's a bit odd to watch him do it, take it home and then be cross afterwards.

I'd just buy some more though. I'm
Of the option that it's only beads so I wouldn't care if they were taken home.

Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 12/12/2017 22:49

On another note, I also walked in to find that they had also been doing Aquabeads (another birthday present), and the DS had made a lot of them. The ones he made had been sprayed by his mother and were all wrong - animals with wonky eyes, etc. I have been left with those though. Just need to replace lots of Aquabeads now. Lol.

I know - the birthday presents should have been hidden away. But I'd gone out to work on the morning and left my DH in charge....

OP posts:
CatInTheChristmasTree · 12/12/2017 22:49

It's rude.

They shouldn't have been taking the beads/necklaces home, unless you or DD had clearly said they could.

Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 12/12/2017 22:50

Sunshine - If you read the thread I did say that he may not be able to take all the beads home as they were a present. But maybe I should have been more direct about it.

OP posts:
RicStar · 12/12/2017 22:51

If I had guests over and we were doing something like beads I would absolutely want them to take what they had made home. If there were special items I think you should have stopped the activity / explained they needed to stay at yours as soon as they noticed what they were doing. I would expect it to be like loom bands rather than Lego. Obviously if items were clearly expensive / not run of the mill I would ask / get DC to ask if it is ok to use them.

Honeybooboo123 · 12/12/2017 22:54

We've had friends over to nake crafts and jewellery and they've always taken it home. It's the point of making something surely?

You nay have tried to explain that wasn't the case but you shoukd have been very clear

climbatree · 12/12/2017 22:54

I haven't read all of the replies - but it seems 'odd' is the consensus.

To be honest if I was presented with a necklace my child had made with beads I'd have done the same (I think). If it's a crafty type activity.

We made Christmas decs the other day and I bought a pack of lettered beads that were nice but of course the kids gravitated towards them as they were on offer and used them in their decs that they rightly took home.

I understand that you need to be economical but I do think this sounds like a case of crossed purposes. Sorry.

However if you show us the bead I'd be happy to try and find one and send it! :-)

Apileofballyhoo · 12/12/2017 22:57

Just text and say that one particular bead was a special one, and DD is upset. Any mother would just give it back then.

My neighbour's child once took home a present DS had got from Santa and it was quite hard to get it back 'as he loved it and they didn't want him to be upset'. Get him his own then!

HicDraconis · 12/12/2017 22:57

I agree I would probably have said something at the time. If things are tight then it may not be as simple as going out and buying some more and to a small child it may not be as simple as "only beads". They were special birthday beads.

I'd send something like Sparkle's message now - I like the lego analogy upthread that you wouldn't expect a child to take home a lego creation if they'd been playing with it at your house, so you wouldn't expect them to take the special beads home either.

shakeyourcaboose · 12/12/2017 22:57

I think it depends on whether it was seen as a craft activity where end result is a finished product = to take home or just playing and that was that?

NoCanoe · 12/12/2017 23:02

I think the issue here is the mum. Who says I'll put it in my handbag and slip it in without saying anything?

LizzieSiddal · 12/12/2017 23:03

I’m afraid you and your DD have learnt a valuable lesson.

Anything that is very new and/or precious should be put away when friends visit. That way no one gets upset.

I must admit that if my child is as doing a crafty thing at someone’s house, I’d assume they could take it home, although you said you made it clear they may not be allowed to go home. Are you sure the Mum heaRd you say that?

climbatree · 12/12/2017 23:05

Also "I'll put it in my handbag" to me sounds like something she is saying to signify the importance of the gift her child has just given to her. Not like she's stealing beads on the sly.

Jux · 12/12/2017 23:09

“Hi BitchMum, one of dd’s special beads has disappeared. I know Son of BitchMum was playing with the beads and I wondered if you had taken it home by mistake. I know it’s just a bead but it was dd’s favourite and she’s rather sad that it’s gone, it was one of only two larger abd distinctive beads. Have you any idea where it might be? Son of BitchMum did know that he couldn’t take all the beads he used and would have to leave some here. I thought you might have an idea where it ended up as I saw you holding the necklace Son of BitchMum made with it. Lovely to see you all the other day, SoBM is growing up fast, isn’t he? Delightful little chap!”

Viviennemary · 12/12/2017 23:10

That was incredibly cheeky and forward of the mother to put it in her handbag when she knew it belonged to your DD. In hindsight you should have said no sorry but that is DD's birthday present and she was looking forward to using the large pendant beads. But as always it's the cf's who win the day because folk are too polite and nice to call them out. People shouldn't have to hide toys when children come round.

Handsfull13 · 12/12/2017 23:10

It's a shame and definitely a lesson to be learnt.
But could you text the mother and just say
'Hi, was lovely to see you the other day. By any chance did your dc take home a jewellery with (insert description of bead) on it as it is dd's favourite and she was looking forward to using it today and we can't find it anywhere. She was upset about it but I've looked everywhere and your my last hope. Thanks'
Gives her the chance to be nice and return it and if not then you'll just have to move on.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 12/12/2017 23:11

I think I’d go pa and mention to the mum next time you see her. Say something like, “ thank you so much for coming to Mary’s party, and thank you for her gift, she loves it, but was really upset that part of her beads set got lost. Isn’t it funny how they love one little cheap gift? Typical kids though eh, prefer the box to the expensive toy so much”

She’ll know you know she has it! Then it’s up to her.

I would have told her there and then when she whispered that she’d put it in her bag.

climbatree · 12/12/2017 23:17

This is so weird. She's not a bitch mum.

Weebo · 12/12/2017 23:21

I honestly wouldn't faff about saying they were lost and hoping for her to suggest giving them back.

Just ring her up and say they were her present and she would like them back please.

It's not tight or cheeky - Just be breezy and straight to the point.

I agree it's important for kids to see their parents stick up for them.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/12/2017 23:26

I'm a bit fence sitty on this one. If I had visiting kids doing craft things at my house, I would expect them to take what they'd made home. If it were something I didn't want them to take home I would say so when they started creating. I would think it a bit unfair to have them making stuff and then so "Oh no, give it back". But at the same time, if we were visiting I'd tell my DC that they can't just take something they'd made with other people's stuff. So I think you should have been upfront about it when they started making things, and certainly when the mum put it in her handbag, but I also think it was cheeky of her to just assume.

HolyShet · 12/12/2017 23:27

Tbh whenever I've had any kids over to play and they've been making stuff they always get to take them home.

I would have made a point though of keeping special/meaningful things out of it (snaffled the special pendants away for eg)

SaucyJack · 12/12/2017 23:35

It wasn't an "official" craft activity tho. It was just some beads that the DD had got out to play with.

Who on Earth would actually think it was OK to pocket a five year old's birthday present without express consent of the birthday kid's mum? No one would really think it was OK if it happened in their house.

She absolutely is a bitch.

BestZebbie · 12/12/2017 23:44

I think that it is unfortunate that because of your budget you had (quite reasonably) chosen that beads would be reused and aquabeads rationed/'made to last' in your household, without getting a chance to explain your policies to your visitors - because both are in the "craft consumables" category rather than the LEGO category and so I don't think that the other mother was being unreasonable to expect that the etiquette would be to take home craft items which her DS made from them/use them up.

I think it is impolite to take out someone else's consumables and assume you can use them up without asking, but I presume that either your DD or DH had given the impression that using the beads and the aquabeads was OK and making things with them was part of the playdate activities? It would have been nice of her to suggest leaving the beads at the end of the activity if she could see the necklace had used up especially "good" beads but equally I can see why she might be unwilling to immediately destroy something her DS had made without your lead that those particular beads were the ones that had to stay.

NegansDollFace · 12/12/2017 23:58

I would most definitely ask for them back. Tight or not they shouldn’t have taken it. I’d send a text saying DD had wondered why their DS took her birthday gift home. It’s quite thoughtless and very cheeky !