Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it odd they took part of DDs present home?

240 replies

WeLikeLucy · 12/12/2017 22:27

This is not a biggie, but it's just annoyed me. Do you think this is a bit odd or unreasonable...

For my DDs birthday I put together a selection of beads for her to make necklaces with. We are not hard up, but not particularly well off either so I'm always scrimping a bit when it comes to birthdays and trying to get bargains. Anyway, there were two very large fancy beads in the set that were intended to be necklace pendants.

We had my DH's friends staying over at ours, two days after her birthday. They knew the beads were a present. Their DS made a necklace with the beads and used one of the large pendants. Straight away I overheard his mother say quietly "I'll put it in my handbag", when he showed it to her. They took it home.

It has annoyed me - wouldn't it have been normal to say "well remember these were DDs birthday presents, so let's not use the large bead" or "Let's make necklaces but we may not be able to take them all home"?

My DD is disappointed that the bead she thought was special and a favourite has gone. BTW I did not suggest getting the beads out - I walked into the kitchen and they were already playing with them (the mother supervising).

OP posts:
Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 14/12/2017 13:16

I also told the mother it was a present.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 14/12/2017 13:19

Actually - all this talk of bead(!). It was a pendant, not a bead at all. Lol. You know, one with a metal loop at the top to be threaded onto a necklace.

OP posts:
Marriedwithchildren5 · 14/12/2017 13:19

I'm shocked at the replies. He's a little boy. Of course if he made it he should keep it. All these things are replaceable. I always do these sort of activities with visiting children to get rid of the things. Trust me. They're a staple gift for birthdays ime!

Marriedwithchildren5 · 14/12/2017 13:21

Yes she knew it was a present, it was in a pile of her presents. Her birthday was only two days before. This wasn't a shop-bought prepared set of beads. They were a set I'd put together from lots of different bead packs, or individually. They were in a wooden box I'd made.

I have just seen this. I take back my comment. What a lovely thing to do!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 14/12/2017 13:22

OP...first you said your DH got them out to play with...then you said it was in a pile. It's not clear what happened. I think you're just annoyed by it.

Buy her a new one and tell DH what to share and not share.

OVienna · 14/12/2017 13:22

OP - I get you. I would personally chalk it up to experience and not text or anything but I can see how it would have felt odd. I wouldn't characterise her as a thief but I do think it is possible she concluded your comment about not taking the beads home was a bit silly ( in the "crafts are for keeps" camp) so therefore not really important to take seriously. It's on that basis I would find myself getting annoyed.

Fruitcocktail6 · 14/12/2017 13:34

I think you should've said no in the first place and stood up for your daughter.

You seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about the fact they have more money and worried about coming across as a knob. It's your daughters present and she wants it back, stand up for her and stop worrying that weathly people will think you're tight.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2017 13:41

The comment I made to the child about not taking all the beads home, was really for the mother to hear, who was standing near by. If another mother had said that to me, I would have got the hint and stepped in. I really did not think I had to be so direct about it at the time! Maybe I was wrong. I thought it should have been obvious to the mother.

When I walked in, the necklace was almost finished and the big bead was stuck in the middle - I could not have taken it off without taking apart most of his necklace. He got up after 2 mins and walked straight to his mother with it (who was now in another room). She did say about the handbag quietly. I would have looked like a knob by that point if I'd walked into the room and said - "You can't take that bead home".

So when did you do the hinting?

Yes, perhaps the mother was thoughtless. But that's all it is.
Both you and your DD need to feel able to speak up at the time about something that bothers you.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 14/12/2017 13:46

Obviously (from the replies) some people would put a bead necklace in the same category as a cup cake/drawing/aqua bead creation and would not see the issue if their child wanted to keep one they had made at someone else's house. I personally see it more as part of a set to be used over and over and so would not expect it to go home with the child who made it. I assume your dd's friend Mum was one of the former and just didn't see the issue. I don't think there was anything weird or rude just different perspectives, this is why mumsnet can be really useful.

mummmy2017 · 14/12/2017 14:05

The other Mother is wrong, she should have had the balls to come up to you and ask if it was Ok for the child to take it home, or if he needed to hand it back, as it was part of a set.
If it had been LEGO which would have cost the same in part, people would not have been so happy to let someone walk of with part of a kit.

RandomDreams · 14/12/2017 14:12

You should have said something when you overheard her saying that she'd put the necklace in her bag, why didn't you?

It's annoyed you to the point where you have posted about it online but it could have quite easily been avoided by you saying something at the time.

fannyanddick · 14/12/2017 14:13

I think that you're right in thinking that she probably just thought nothing of it. I feel like we get too many toys in the house somehow and am almost glad when something leaves/is broken and also am glad to get craft stuff as it doesn't hang around forever but get used up.

But she should have paid more attention when you said that he couldn't take all the necklaces home and asked you if he really wanted one. What a shame for your dd. I think you could maybe mention the bead. Just ask if he plays with it and if she says no or not really then mention that your dd liked that particular bead and is upset it's gone and could you swap it for a different one.

Booboostwo · 14/12/2017 14:26

If the resent was so precious (and fair enough some of them are) your DH should not have brought it out and you should have said the beads had to be reused explicitly and clearly. You should be annoyed with your DH and yourself not the other mum. If my DCs gave me something they had made to keep it safe, I'd put it in my handbag too.

Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 14/12/2017 14:29

NoSquirrels, feel like you are just looking for anything to pick holes about. Mother was in kitchen playing with the beads with the children when I walked in. Her son had almost finished his necklace. I immediately said the comment about not taking all the beads home as they were a present, in front of her. She literally then walked out a few moments later. He went in after her with the necklace, and she said very quietly that she'd put it in her handbag. That's why I felt awkward going in and saying "don't take that bead home", because it was said quietly. Obviously she thought it was OK and I'm not suggesting she was stealing or anything. Maybe her view is that beads get taken home, but these were very different beads to the others and she knew it was a present.

I'm also fine with beads being taken home, but not those particularly large nice pendant ones (much larger than the others).

Anyway, I'm getting sick of thinking about and arguing about the bead thing....LOL .Of course I will buy her new ones that are as big as the others. It's strange to see how differently people view a scenario like this.

Maybe I'm extra bothered because my DD does not get any presents throughout the year. She gets told all year to wait until her birthday or Xmas, because I don't like this buying culture we have in general. She specifically asked for beads to make jewellery with. I went to special effort to create a carefully chosen selection. I have to be careful about what we spend money on. I'm annoyed I wasn't there when (probably) my DD got the beads out with a guest there. I will have to have a word with DH about this not happening with specific presents and guests in future.

I still think the mother was thoughtless and I would not have done the same if it was the other way around. That's just my only point really.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/12/2017 14:37

Sorry - I wasn't intending to pick holes, just trying to understand. If you had hinted at a point that you felt it could be salvaged and the bead taken back for your DD, then for me I wouldn't then have felt bad a few minutes later telling the mother/child that actually that pendant bead was precious so could we redesign another necklace without it? Because he'd already made most of it when you were hinting, so at that moment you obviously felt the mother could fix the situation. Yet a few minutes later you felt she couldn't and it was too late. That's all I thought was strange because it really is one of those situations where both you and you DD could have spoken up at different points.

I'd definitely actually be more annoyed with my DH.

I

Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 14/12/2017 14:41

OK :-)
God knows where DH was. He probably hadn't even noticed they got the beads out. He was probably just relieved that another Mum was entertaining his child :-)

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/12/2017 14:45

Indeed. My DH has form for this too!

KalaLaka · 14/12/2017 14:48

Youre going to replace the aquabeads because someone used them? Children use each other's craft stuff. It's what happens on play dates. You need to put stuff away you don't want played with, before the play date, or you'll have some unhappy children in the future!

Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 14/12/2017 14:54

Yeah I already mentioned that the Aquabead comment was a joke. That's why I put LOL after it.

OP posts:
HuskyMcClusky · 14/12/2017 14:57

With the updates, I’m actually feeling a bit more pissed off for you. It sounds like a beautiful, personal present, and if there were only two large pendant beads...the other mother was insensitive at best.

Flowers
mirime · 14/12/2017 15:12

@CorbynsBumFlannel

Generally when you make a necklace you keep it made don't you? You don't take it apart to have another go the same way you would with Lego.

I had a bead set as a child and always took short what I made and made something new.

I wouldn't dream of taking a necklace made with another child's beads home unless I'd asked if it was alright.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 14/12/2017 15:51

I'm confused. If you have friends over and do crafts of course they take what they make home Confused

Original poster
WeLikeLucy · 14/12/2017 15:53

Perhaps we all have different views about what materials are 'throw away' and cheap and can be taken home/replaced easily. I think craft materials fall into this category. I also think beads do - it was only the two large pendants I had issue with. Children often get bored of a particular craft material, so I'd buy different ones often, so they are always changing.

Although I joked about the Aquabeads, I would not take and open them at a friend's house without their permission. Each refill pack is about £5, not cheap considering they get used up pretty quickly on just a few images or just contain just one colour. I would not want to keep replacing those after playdates. Once they are made, that's it, they can't be taken apart and used again (like beads!).

What about having a playdate with colouring, gluing crafts, or Lego, or Role Play or dolls houses? Playdates don't have to be miserable unless something is made and taken home.

OP posts:
WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 14/12/2017 16:00

No, they don't, I'm commenting on what I would say was 'the norm' when a craft activity IS involved! I really don't understand this thread...did you feed them? Because food costs money to replace...

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2017 16:02

Are you going to tell us how much the pendant cost? More than one person has asked. I think it has a bearing.