Is it odd they took part of DDs present home?

[WeLikeLucy]

This is not a biggie, but it's just annoyed me. Do you think this is a bit odd or unreasonable...

For my DDs birthday I put together a selection of beads for her to make necklaces with. We are not hard up, but not particularly well off either so I'm always scrimping a bit when it comes to birthdays and trying to get bargains. Anyway, there were two very large fancy beads in the set that were intended to be necklace pendants.

We had my DH's friends staying over at ours, two days after her birthday. They knew the beads were a present. Their DS made a necklace with the beads and used one of the large pendants. Straight away I overheard his mother say quietly "I'll put it in my handbag", when he showed it to her. They took it home.

It has annoyed me - wouldn't it have been normal to say "well remember these were DDs birthday presents, so let's not use the large bead" or "Let's make necklaces but we may not be able to take them all home"?

My DD is disappointed that the bead she thought was special and a favourite has gone. BTW I did not suggest getting the beads out - I walked into the kitchen and they were already playing with them (the mother supervising).

TonyDanza puts it well OP.

In future, perhaps DD could keep special things in a cupboard when other children come. I encourage that if I think DD will be upset about certain things being used/shared/broken.

Who cares if it looks tight. Ask for it back, I would.

I think the mum maybe knew her kid would kick off when he realised he couldn't take it home, & she decided to avoid that by slipping it into her handbag & reassuring him that that's where she'd put it.
It's a tough one. I don't honestly know if I could be bothered chasing her for it back now that it's gone, but if your DD is really upset then there's no harm in ringing her & asking for it back. I'd just be direct though (in a nice, polite way) & ask for it back, I wouldn't pretend we'd lost it & wait for her to explain she has it or anything like that.
The best thing to have done would have been to confront it as soon as you heard mum say she was putting it in her handbag - 'oh sorry but DD wants to keep that big bead, please' sort of thing. But easy to say in hindsight!

How old are the children? I teach 5 year olds, and one of the things some of them have to learn is that if you make something with school equipment, you often don’t get to keep it or take it home. Almost all of them understand and are fine with that. I’d have kept special things away from people who might not understand that until they did.

I agree with BestZebbie and others.

You or your DH should have foreseen this. You should always put away things you do not wish to lose.

However, if your friend was alone in the room with the children and possibly pulled rank/ railroaded your DD into agreeing to share the aquabeads and her birthday beads, then you should ask for the item back, and the friend should be gradually dropped. Some people are covetous, no matter how well off they are.

Actually I did say that he may not be able to take all of the necklaces/bracelets home or may have to put them back. His mother heard me say that - I thought it was a good hint! Maybe I should have been more direct.

Yes, I think you should have been more direct and just said "Sorry, those belong to DD so they're not for taking home". Or just not to take the big bead home.

I know it's the early hours and I'm bleary eyed, but I read the OP as

For my DDs birthday I put together a selection of beards

I hope these are ex- friends. Slipping it into her handbag is the giveaway . Normally you would ask if ok for DS to take necklace or he openly walk out with it in his hand.
They were nicking something because it’s pretty.

Personally, because you didn’t deal with it at the time when you saw it happening g, I wouldn’t be able to bring it up. You could have had a quiet word with Mum out of earshot of the kids to ask for it back. I’m also a great believer in hide what you do t want others to play with. If a child made a necklace at mine, I’d assume they were taking it home, unless very clearly, and very plainly I’d said otherwise. Subtlety doesn’t work for everyone, loud of people need to be told straight. Can you buy another set, if it wasn’t too expensive? Or if you feel that strongly, contact Mum. Not sure what kind of reception you’ll get, I guess that depends on your friendship.

For all of you who believe it is only right for kids to take something home they made at your house; I bet you’d change your minds if you caught them playing in your jewelry boxes, stringing pearls together.

The OP did not set up the craft project for the kids, she came into the room mid-game and the other child's mother was supervising.

I would not ask for the large pendant back, instead I would consider it a lesson learned.

Slipping it into her handbag is the giveaway.

No it’s not. Are you always so paranoid? She probably put it in her handbag in an ‘Ooh, well done, you made a lovely thing; I’ll look after it for you’ way. The same way I do if a child gives me something like a squashed flower.

The fact is, some wealthy people buy their kids loads of expensive craft supplies. This woman likely had no concept it was a ‘special bead’.

I would chalk it up to experience.

I think it depends on how you view the beads. Are they a craft activity, like stickers? Or a toy, like Lego.

I think of it as craft, and would send a child home with a creation.

As an aside - which set is it? If it happens to be the Melissa and Doug one, I might be able to find the special bead for you.

"For all of you who believe it is only right for kids to take something home they made at your house; I bet you’d change your minds if you caught them playing in your jewelry boxes, stringing pearls together."

Hmm. Not really seeing your point here. I am happy to believe it's fine for visiting kids to play with DCs toy cars, but I'd be upset if they played with my actual car. Doesn't make me a hypocrite or anything for thinking the toy cars are appropriate to play with. Equally, thinking craft stuff is appropriate to take home has no relationship thinking wrecking someone's jewelry is fine.

If it was the expensive wooden beads that younger children play with, I wouldn’t expect it to be taken home but you can buy beads in the pound shop for making crafts with so I wouldn’t think twice about giving them away. I think it’s one of those perspective issues.

I’m sort of curious how much the expensive bead cost though.

Think you're wrong here op. Would never even have contemplated kids doing craft thing, not taking home what they made.

And as for your comment re guest child doing the aqua beads wrong.... I think you're ever so slightly over invested here, and I hope you're not one of those parents who believe there's only one way to do crafts, art etc...

Buy your dd a replacement bead when you can afford it?

I would see beads as a consumable, and expect them to be used up/ taken home. If your DC didn't want to share with the other child, then she shouldn't have played that particular activity with him.

"Hey - I'm so sorry but have you still got that bead necklace DS made kicking around? If he's forgotten about it by now could DD have it back? - she's obsessed with the beads and remembers every single one!"

if she's well off and thinks beads fall into the 'disposable' category she won't mind bringing it back for its sentimental value to DD.

The only way it could go wrong is if you put an overlay on it all, of 'oh dear is this tight?/why were you so rude as to take a valuable bead?' The reason you don't feel you can ask is because you think there is some adult angst involved.

It's no biggie. Just ask for it back

Hidingalion has got it spot on, he probably has forgotten about the necklace and the mum will be happy to return it.

I can still remember being given poppa-beads over 50 years ago and how much I loved them. They would be classed as plastic tat now but to a child they were riches.

"Hey - I'm so sorry but have you still got that bead necklace DS made kicking around? If he's forgotten about it by now could DD have it back? - she's obsessed with the beads and remembers every single one!"

This is a really good text, I woulnd't be offended to receive it and would gladly give back the beads

I also would expect that anything craft related made on a play date would be able to be brought home.

I let my DD pick out beads she thinks are special and put them away so she can use them at a later date on her own, and she agrees play date can take anything else home.

I think if you don't want certain things played with, keep them out of the way of the kids in the first place.

Get a replacement bead and pop it in DD's Christmas stocking. Appreciate you are hard up but it can't be that pricey for one bead and will cheer her right up.

I think it would be a bit odd to ask for it back.

It's a bead.

Even if it was "special" to you, to them, it was just part of a craft activity.

If it was special YABU to have let it get into general shared crafting.