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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it odd they took part of DDs present home?

240 replies

WeLikeLucy · 12/12/2017 22:27

This is not a biggie, but it's just annoyed me. Do you think this is a bit odd or unreasonable...

For my DDs birthday I put together a selection of beads for her to make necklaces with. We are not hard up, but not particularly well off either so I'm always scrimping a bit when it comes to birthdays and trying to get bargains. Anyway, there were two very large fancy beads in the set that were intended to be necklace pendants.

We had my DH's friends staying over at ours, two days after her birthday. They knew the beads were a present. Their DS made a necklace with the beads and used one of the large pendants. Straight away I overheard his mother say quietly "I'll put it in my handbag", when he showed it to her. They took it home.

It has annoyed me - wouldn't it have been normal to say "well remember these were DDs birthday presents, so let's not use the large bead" or "Let's make necklaces but we may not be able to take them all home"?

My DD is disappointed that the bead she thought was special and a favourite has gone. BTW I did not suggest getting the beads out - I walked into the kitchen and they were already playing with them (the mother supervising).

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 12/12/2017 23:58

How much was the bead? If I were you, I’d just go and buy another one.

Bloomed · 12/12/2017 23:59

Regardless of adult politics, just get the bead back: stick up for your kids, they'll remember this.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/12/2017 00:01

I don't have "official" activities at my playdates at my house Saucy. It's a home, not a drop-in centre. But when my kids were 5 I was supervising enough that I would see if they started to do crafty things and so could say "Oh, don't use those, here let me get some X you can use instead", or "You're welcome to play with that, but I'm afraid you can't take it home." (not a great approach with really young kids though). By the time they were older and I didn't supervise much they knew not to get out things they didn't want used (hence them being old enough to not supervise so closely). I think this is just an expectation issue.

Talking to the mum seems sensible. Her DS has probably forgotten about it by now anyway and she'll be only too happy not to have more tat filling the house. Unless you already know she's a bitch (in which case why ask her round?) it's a bit ridiculous to assume she would want to upset a friend's child isn't it?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 13/12/2017 00:01

I'd think you were slightly mad chasing me for a bead to be honest. If they weren't meant to be taken home you should have said at the time.

NegansDollFace · 13/12/2017 00:03

Lizzie, I really don’t think price is the issue. OP has already said she’s had to scrimp on birthdays. Why should she go and spend more because these other parents are CFs? Especially when she’d already mentioned about the birthday beads.

First beads, what’s next? Lego? Toy sets? I’d stick up for my kid and nip it in the bud.

ZenNudist · 13/12/2017 00:06

I couldn't imagine asking someone for a bead back. Just chalk it up to experience. Be firmer next time and keep nice new toys away from them.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/12/2017 00:16

I think this was confusion rather than CFery just because most people would think of bead-stringing as a craft activity where you take home what you made.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 13/12/2017 00:20

Yeah, echoing PPs, you should have said something directly there and then, I have the other side of this in a way, DD has ASD and often 'gives' her friends things when they come over in a bid to buy favour, but then bitterly regrets it afterwards and gets quite upset. So now if I get a sniff of things being removed I put my 'unpopular' mother head on and say, 'Sorry, I don't let people take DD's things' (so it's me that looks strict, rather than her reneging on a deal).

The only exception I have is if they both want to swap small objects and I'm absolutely sure they're both happy with it.

In your situation I'd phone up and just ask for it back, say it was DD's special B'day bead and she's unhappy to have had it taken. Doesn't have to be a drama, just be direct (you can give it the old 'bloody kids schizzle' if need be).

It may be that no harm was meant, my children have often presented me with things and I've 'Put them in my bag to keep safe', just to signify to them that what they've given and made for me is important, most of them are still stratifying down there because they're shit and the DC's and I have forgotten about them shortly after I deposited them.

(Not saying your bead was shit btw).

chocatoo · 13/12/2017 00:27

I'm afraid that you are probably going to have to take it on the chin - a lesson learned in terms of putting stuff away...I think once they got to the stage of making, you could hardly say they had to leave it at yours. Annoying though.
Unless you know them well enough to phone and ask for it back because it was special - but if it was me I'd probably find it easier to go and buy another bead...

TheOtherClass · 13/12/2017 00:38

I'd cut all the agonizing and the analyzing and just ask for them back. I literally don't understand why you would be concerned about them seeing you as being tight? It's your daughter you should be looking out for.

I also would not bother with being wish washy or PA or any of that crap.
You can ask for the bead back directly and politely. Sure, it might be a little awkward but so what? It very simple and will save you from all this angst.

soapboxqueen · 13/12/2017 00:40

Sorry but when children come to my house and do crafty activities, I would expect them to take what they have made home with them. Same as if my children did crafty activities at someone else's. If you didn't want them to be played with you should have taken them away immediately and just said that these were special.

From your description it sounds far more likely the mother was just enthused about her child's creation rather than trying to steal some beads. I would have said exactly the same as her to show my child I was keeping the item safe.

It really isn't the same as stealing lego. No idea how you solve this.

HousefulOfBoysAndMe · 13/12/2017 00:48

If my dc were at someone's house doing crafts, with the agreement of the other parents (and you not taking the set away is agreement IMO) then I would probably assume any craft bits made by my dc could be taken.

I wouldn't be thinking into it deeply enough to separate the craft items into 'standard' ones that could be used and 'fancy' ones that shouldn't, despite them being laid out on the table Hmm .

I think yabu op. The bead was taken. On this occasion, get another if you can and tell your dc to keep stuff they don't want messed with out of sight when there are visiting children.

gateto · 13/12/2017 00:53

I think its probably good to just put it down to experience, as chasing a bead thats more special than the others seems silly. It's a good way for your DD to learn that special things don't come out around certain people!

It's ashame as these things are important to kids, but at the end of the day it's a bead.

Hidingtonothing · 13/12/2017 00:54

I would ask for the bead back OP, most parents would understand if you explain it was special and DD is upset. I understand why you feel uncomfortable about it but imo DD's feelings are more important than whether you look tight for asking.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/12/2017 00:56

I'm amazed people are calling her a bitch!

If there is Lego (absolutely don't take) on one side and a drawing on the other (take), a bead necklace would be in the middle. I would totally expect a child to take it home if they made it at my house.

It's weird because you did say something. But I do think crafts are generally a take home thing.

pisacake · 13/12/2017 01:00

My DD makes bracelets for people all the time, I don't think she has ever felt 'no you can't have that'

ILikeyourHairyHands · 13/12/2017 01:05

MrsTerry, I had a child who visited and made a very elaborate Lego model that they and their mother were quite determined they should take! I obviously said 'No frikkin' way'.

Aqua Beads are fair game though, squinty-eyed or not.

And the bitch-callers? Do you really live your life on tenterhooks, waiting for the next imagined slight so you can get your PA game in? Really?

Bet you don't.

pisacake · 13/12/2017 01:06

wow, Lego? it's like 10p/piece.

befbiund · 13/12/2017 01:09

I wouldn't think twice if a guest took Home beads in the circumstances you describe. And I think you will look really rude if you ask for it back. It won't be long and you'll be vacuuming them up anyhow.

endofthelinefinally · 13/12/2017 01:21

It is your DH's fault. He should sort it out.

kmc1111 · 13/12/2017 01:25

I'd absolutely expect a guest to take home any jewellery they made at my house. It's craft. You take home craft.

A lot of crafty stuff is given as a present. My DC used to get big pencil sets, paints, beads etc. for birthdays, and their friends would use up a lot of it and take their creations home. I never gave it a second thought and neither did the DC. Using it to play with friends was half the point. If you wanted this to be a special set just for DD, you should have stopped them playing with it when you noticed.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 13/12/2017 01:37

To be frank I wouldn't think anything of my child making a necklace and bringing it home. It's what they do at a lot of their mate's houses!

Loonoonow · 13/12/2017 01:37

this does sound like cross purposes to me. If someone makes or made craft type things at my house, whether it was DCs friends when they were little or various young visitors nowadays I always let them take them home when they want/wanted to. They had created it so it became 'theirs' in a way. I am sure that quite often the parents weren't too keen on another handmade creation but short of saying to your child 'oh `god no, not another plastic bit of handmade tat' what choice do they have?

I am particularly remembering an occasion recently when a grown up DD of mine spent some time entertaining a little visitor by helping him make a shadow theatre set of puppets supported by chopsticks. The young visitor was thrilled and left with them all. His mum (an old friend of mine ) was pissed off because they were flying home hand baggage only later that day and she had to squeeze the puppets into an already crowded backpack. The little visitor was upset that they were ruined by being squished into a backpack and I was upset that when we ordered a takeaway Chinese the next week we didn't have any chopsticks to eat it with. All this would have been averted if DD had said 'these are to play with here, not to take home'.

I would contact the mum and say 'this is going to sound mad but DD is really missing that bead - would (DSs name) notice if you slipped it back to me next time we meet?'

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/12/2017 01:40

@ILikeyourHairyHands elaborate Lego models are what your cell phone camera is for! Take a picture, not the fucking expensive Lego, right?

Beads, I would totally expect a kid to take.

But yes, OP, ask for the special bead back.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 13/12/2017 01:52

Presumably she didn’t take the Aquabeads because they would still be gooey by the end of a play date. Something like that is definitely not going in my handbag!

I doubt it was because she was sizing up the shite craft creations and thinking “I don’t want this crap, but that big bead is fabulous.”

I think the issue here is that there’s a bit of a gulf. Some people think that fancy crafty stuff is expensive and a special treat, and others think it’s disposable plastic tat which serves to develop fine motor skills —and buy adults precious minutes peace—.

Neither of these outlooks is wrong or right. There’s nothing wrong with being on a very tight budget and viewing beads as a special treat. But there’s nothing wrong with assuming they’re meaningless plastic tat either.