To not want MIL to stay over

[KatieKookaburra26]

It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.

I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.

DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.

next will be splitting with her DH and wanting to move in with you [shudder]

Bloody Hell!

You want to nip that in the bud! If necessary adopt a few extra children, or get a Very Large Dog, or rent out the spare room/ sofa/ garden shed.

Nononononononono - you don't want that happening.

Like dealing with kids, you can’t back down now. If you do then it teaches her that if she causes enough of a fuss then she’ll get her own way.

Stay strong, it will be worth it

Hi Katie
I've been following this thread and it's very similar to some of my experiences. You've done absolutely the right thing in saying no.
we need a 'put your feet up' emoji
Other posters comparisons of MIL's behaviour to that of a toddler who wants her own way is spot on.
When dealing with adult toddlers I keep a handy mantra in my head - 'We do not reward bad behaviour with attention'.

Thanks again. Just to clear up am not pregnant, had ds a few months ago but still on leave. She hasn’t spoke to us since but has been slagging us of to SIL who has then told us and said she isn’t getting involved and understands we haven’t done anything wrong.

I’m pretty sure that PIL relationship isn’t going to last much longer so that could be why she’s doing this, but it doesn’t make sense why she’s only wanting to be with my family and not her other DC.

To anyone who feels sorry for MIL please tell me why so I can understand this from her perspective. If she’s genuinely upset over her relationship I don’t want to be horrible to her.

I suspect it is mainly that she wants to be first to stay with you at Christmas. She wanted to try and get one over on your mum. This seemed to start as soon as she realised that YOUR family are coming for Xmas. She is using the whole marriage/not seeing enough of your DH and DCs as an excuse.

You have said people are starting to stand up to her and she is not liking it.

She may well be unhappy but in the way that a toddler is when it throws toys out of the pram.

Marriage break down our not. How will spending Xmas with you, or coming before you change that? Let's say she feels uncomfortable at home fine, she can look forward to some days after Xmas with you!why is everything hinging on before Xmas or Xmas day?!

I don't feel sorry for her in the slightest. She is used to having her own way, clearly, but it sounds like everyone has stopped accommodating this behaviour. You, her son, her husband, her other children ... too bad.

If her marriage is breaking down, I strongly suspect it's heavily linked to her ridiculous behaviour.

Stand firm. Or your life will be very difficult.

Nothing to feel sorry about tbh. The potential end of their relationship and her wanting to visit aren’t connected, she just wants her own way

it doesn’t make sense why she’s only wanting to be with my family and not her other DC.

You said that the worm is turning. Her husband and her DC are starting to stand up for themselves. She is punishing them with withdrawal of attention and by making big displays of attention/affection to others who were previously not popular, i.e. your family. It is textbook manipulation.

If they fall back in line, your DH will be dropped like a shot.

YANBU - over a week just before xmas. Unless she's planning on using that judgement to good use and babysit/tutor the children while you and hubby check into a hotel for some crazy sexy time on your own......

She sounds a bit like that MIL in the movie with J-Lo... but I think a lot of them are the same. My XMIL had to be closely managed (still does) because she had 40+ years of calling the shots over her husband and DSx2.

Push back, make up excuses if you must, but a) give alternatives and b) make her feel useful, like she's doing you a favour.

This applies to Xmas as well as anything else (like if they split up!). On that, be very aware that men go loco when shit goes down for real. When my dad died, my XH tearfully declared that my mum should come live with us. WTF?! My mum is the most independent youngish old lady and he was talking like she was bound for a home....

Warning: if you do anything three times, it becomes "tradition" :-)

Tell her your family time this year but could she come for weekend over New Year.

Give her a massive list of jobs to do. Huge. And book a night or two out with DH. Heck, book into a hotel!

You did the right thing Katie. Sounds like she was having a melt down, her manipulative tactics are beginning to wane.
Great that your DH stayed strong too.
Have a lovely Christmas ! 🎄☃✨

I suspect it is mainly that she wants to be first to stay with you at Christmas. She wanted to try and get one over on your mum. This seemed to start as soon as she realised that YOUR family are coming for Xmas. She is using the whole marriage/not seeing enough of your DH and DCs as an excuse.

You have said people are starting to stand up to her and she is not liking it.

Oh my, this sounds so much like my MIL and the sort of thing she would do.

We're very low contact with her, the emotional games she tries are just crazy.

Sometimes MIL's can be so good with the manipulation, I totally sympathise with you OP. It does seem a bit odd that if things were going wrong in her marriage she would want to be close with all her children

You have enough on your plate. She can come another time. If she insists on coming she has to support you and help you with children and housework.

Don't try to justify your decision any more if she persists. Just stick to one sentence..eg..That doesnt work for us or lm sorry you feell like that.
While you are engaging in the drama she feels she has a chance of winning.
Its so like dealing with a toddler or a very stroppy teenager. But a victory here could break the cycle forever and actually do her good in the long run. Although thats not your problem.
Im very pro mils but this lady is out of order.

Just tell your husband to say 'Fuck it'd for once in his life !!

Sounds like you need to invite FIL to yours for the break from MIL!

I got on better with my MIL than any of her other children's partners. However, I didn't find her easy. I held on to being aware that my dh is who he is in part -possibly a large part -due to her. I was also aware that, since men are supposed to 'marry their mothers', there was probably a lot of her in me. I did find it. He wasn't her favourite child, but he was the one she loved most and the one who loved her most. All that made it easier to cope (even though she was a nightmare for my older child who was not her grandchild). My son, her grandson loved her and, now she's no longer with us, I'm really glad we spent as much time as we could with her.

Poor you . Staying for a week - there are no words.

I have never felt the need to stay with a member of my family for more than 2 nights since I left home.

And we are all the happier for it....we are pretty close.

Still haven’t heard from her which I’m taking as a good thing for now. Hopefully nothing more comes from it. Thanks again for making me feel sane

Ah OP. She is only quiet because she is quietly plotting the tedious dramatic stunt she intends to pull to ruin your Christmas.

As PP have suggested, it will be some kind of "mystery illness" that requires DH to leave and rush to her bedside.

You have been warned!!

I hope you have a lovely Christmas and don't let her get to you.

We have my MIL here for 5/6 nights as she has to travel by coach quite a distance. It nearly drives me potty by the end of it!! I have said to DH before that it's too long, so I think I'll say it more strongly next time.

You've done well to put your foot down, OP.