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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to stay over

244 replies

KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 13:30

It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.

I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.

DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2017 18:50

I’d be tempted to treat her like a toddler: if she has a tantrum then she gets no visit at all, even after Christmas.

Sorry op but she doesn’t sound very nice at all Hmm

sonjadog · 12/12/2017 18:58

She won't cancel. Its just a ploy to get you to do what she wants. This will be every year if you don't stand strong now.

Giraffey1 · 12/12/2017 18:59

She sounds rather childish - stamping her foot and throwing her toys out of the oram because she isn’t getting her own way. What about the rest of her family? It’s like they don’t exist for her ... dramas about ‘if I can’t be with you my son and go, I don’t want to be with anyone’ just make her sound about six.

Your DH needs his own script ... mum, it’s silly t9 get upset, we spent last Christmas with you and this time it’s Katie’s family'sturn. We’d love to see you and dad soon, though, so how about x dates after Christmas/ NewYear....’

Giraffey1 · 12/12/2017 19:00

GC not go!

Giraffey1 · 12/12/2017 19:01

Sorry for terrible typos, can’t see properly on this phone!

Flippertyjibbetty · 12/12/2017 19:02

You've handled it very well so far. Don't let her manipulate you and ruin your Christmas. Your first priority is to your kids and your DH, that you've made plans with. You've set the boundary and she needs to respect them. Why is she willing to ruin others xmas plans in order to save hers?

You have nothing to feel bad about (you haven't said you do but just in case). I'm glad your DH is supporting you.

BanyanChristmasTree · 12/12/2017 19:02

You need to tell her that you have 2 sets of parents in your family now and you have your own little family too. What is fair now is if you take it in turns to host/ see them over Christmas. She had her turn last year, now it is your mums turn. Since she is counting (and childish) I'd make it abundantly clear that you are counting too. MIL, we stayed at yours last year for 2 nights over Christmas, now my DM and family are coming for 2 nights. Next year it is YOUR turn, that way everyone is treated fairly.

Hulder · 12/12/2017 19:02

She won't cancel. And what a horrible thing to say about her daughter! Christmas isn't worth having for her Shock

Ignore. Your MIL is a grown woman who has to solve her own problems. If she doesn't like FIL she can leave him. Likelihood of all GC being together is v low given they all have another family - she needs to learn to deal with this. But you can't find the solutions for her, only be clear that you and DH are not the solution.

Yoksha · 12/12/2017 19:14

Just a suggestion OP, but couldn't you suggest a family get-together for all your Dh's family, including Dgc etc in the summer months. It's so much nicer dining out in the garden on a love!y June afternoon with all the children running about. I love celebrating like this with my family.

Do you think she'd be up for that?

BouncingIntoGraceland · 12/12/2017 19:26

Tbh I'd be starting to seriously discuss having Christmases at home, just you, dh and the dc.

I can't imagine your mil spent every Christmas with her mil.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2017 19:33

Do not JADE with your MIL further (justify, argue, defend or explain). This will enable you to avoid circular conversations with her.

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

I would also suggest you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward and read more on FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re your DH.

PositivelyPERF · 12/12/2017 19:39

I know you've already told her no, but Do.not.give.in! I guarantee if you let her stay, she will end up being too ill to travel home, before Xmas, or whine that there's no point and she might as well stay, since she's there. You don't actually think staying a week before Xmas is going to be good enough, do you?

LineyRunner · 12/12/2017 19:44

Wow. Her poor DD.

N0tNowBernard · 12/12/2017 19:45

Yanbu we have to take it in turns with our parents each year and have to stick to our guns as you just can't please everyone. Don't forget it's your Christmas too!

We've been in our house 11 years and only had Christmas dinner cooked for us once! All other years we end up up hosting for the alternating sides of the family and it's exhausting/expensive but that's Christmas I suppose!

LazyDailyMailJournos · 12/12/2017 19:46

Good Lord, she's following the script rather well, isn't she?

You need to stick to your guns. You know that you are being emotionally blackmailed, so don't give in. And if your DH continues to waver and feel guilty then ask him if he's put up with this behaviour - stamping feet and throwing a tantrum when you don't get your own way - from your kids?

LoveProsecco · 12/12/2017 19:49

Adults throwing tantrums is so unbecoming! Don't give in BrewWineCakeGin

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/12/2017 19:53

This is a tantrum. It is a power game to her. She will need to win. You can protect yourselves.

Firstly, openly discuss (frequently) with DH how awful it is that she is being so manipulative, that she would do all this just to piss in the pot before your mother. He will be vulnerable to cracking under the pressure. Reminding that she isn't genuinely upset, she's having a hissy fit at not getting her way, is a good way to inoculate against that.

Secondly, avoid contact. Be busy. Don't answer calls in the working day. Agree a series of "emergencies" that mean he has to hang up or hand over to you if he does pick up and talk to her. Door bell, supermarket delivery, child fell over, baby crying, going out any second.

Thirdly, toddler tantrum rules. No words of negotiation. Ten words or fewer. Repetition. No lengthy or changing explanations. Do not acknowledge the spurious link between emotion and her desired solution. She is sad. That is sad. You feel sad that she is sad. She still can't have a bowl of haribo and chocolate sauce for breakfast because her sister had one extra chocolate button last night.

You can't stop her cancelling Christmas, but you can recognise that she won't cancel any more than that toddler will actually refuse to eat anything for a whole week.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 12/12/2017 20:07

silverysurfer wow what a brilliant business model!!!!
Millions of times have wished someone could come and impart what we want to say.

As for the tit for tat and marking who is in house first and who sees gc etc I thought every in laws did this?!

Mine certainly have said... You, dh will be spending time with wite witch family so you need to spend some with us, and monitored it et and.

Now mine are dead, so they have won that one Hmm. I thought it was usual behaviour.

To the earlier Mil comment. I can't see why it's so hard to understand what most ops are upset about.
Does anyone want someone in their home watching and judging every move you make with the children!
Critism and judgement. Who? Do you think if you go into someone's home and behave like that, to anyone, a friend, do you think that friend will invite you back!!
Give people space, be respectful, be kind, communicate and listen... Treat your dc with respect like you would a friend. It's not fucking hard.

lurkingnotlurking · 12/12/2017 20:22

She sounds a bit like my mum. Miserable marriage, tiny little things get blown completely out of proportion as they are her only big wins in life. I just try to not piss her off completely, but then the rest is down to her. Over the years, we've grown further and further apart as I don't feel the need to pander to her and I get very little back in return.

52FestiveRoad · 12/12/2017 20:26

Mine certainly have said... You, dh will be spending time with wite witch family so you need to spend some with us, and monitored it et and.

Now mine are dead, so they have won that one hmm. I thought it was usual behaviour.

That is really sad Sad I really don't know how people can behave like that! Do they really see your bereavement as winning?

LineyRunner · 12/12/2017 20:34

I agree, sadly, that the fake or wildly exaggerated illness will be next.

We've got this going on at the moment.

BanyanChristmasTree · 12/12/2017 20:48

I come from quite a common, lower class family that she looks down on

I have a similar background. My Dh says my family are like The Royale Family. I can hand on heart say that the warmth and love in my family comes from my type of background, certainly not his £ucked up lot.

iboughtsnowboots · 12/12/2017 21:52

What a ridiculous update, how right you were to put limits on her coming over. Don't get sucked into her drama, "you are welcome in our house, this isn't about you, it is other families turn, we are happy to see you in new year" On repeat. Reduce contact if she won't see sense and accept this.

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 21:52

Have been on phone with her most of the night she’s turned on the waterworks about how horrible it is not being able to see DH as much as she’d like. How her marriage is a shamble and she thinks this will be their last Xmas togeyher, basically bringing up everything to guilt trip her. DH just said that there’s no way around it and she can only come over after Christmas she hugged and hung the phone up. Haven’t heard from her since but I’m guessing that’s good.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2017 21:56

Well done to you both for standing up to her. Manipulative cow Angry