Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to stay over

244 replies

KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 13:30

It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.

I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.

DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.

OP posts:
Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 15:29

she is obviously feeling left out

Ffs she’s an adult. She knows she was asked last year and the op sounds a very caring lady.

The mil needs to grow up.

And generally if you behave well to others they reciprocate be that dil to mil or friend to friend.

Traffig · 12/12/2017 15:30

Well done OP!!! That is a brilliant result and one that makes lots of sense for all concerned.Smile
I've never seen this place as MIL bashing.
I'm a MIL.
I wouldn't dream of making demands like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2017 15:34

Well done OP.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/12/2017 15:35

Now that folks is a result! Well done you!!

Don't be a bit surprised if she does get in contact with your DH saying that Katie said that she couldn't come down before Christmas as a break from FIL. That's not your place to sort out. If she really wanted a break she could book a spa weekend for herself in a hotel and be pampered in the run up to Christmas. No reason for her to land at your doorstep as part of this 'break'.

You need to your DH know what the situation is as soon as possible so that you can both sing from the same hymn sheet so to speak.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/12/2017 15:39

You'll never get this relaxed off school Christmas time with your children again before the new baby arrives. You are pregnant with 3 children, you already have visitors.

I don't agree with people who say it's his house too. You are the one at home and taking on the job of organising things.

It's not reasonable to insist on visiting with little notice and to stay an entire week. Its the one holiday of the year when you can all just relax after Christmas. You have made plans with the Children which won't suit your visitor. They won't stay this age for long. Plenty of other opportunities to have her to stay. People think everything has to be done at Christmas. It does'nt

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/12/2017 15:42

Well done 🍷

FluffyNinja · 12/12/2017 15:56

Wow, you're too kind OP.
I'd have made it clear that it's your mum's turn this year and that if she wasn't prepared to grin and bear it, we may decide not to continue turn taking at all in the future.
I'm a MIL with 2 DIL's and there's no way I'd impose myself on my adult youngsters at Xmas. They need a break from work and to spend quality family time together not pander to selfish MIL's.

Hissy · 12/12/2017 16:06

I reckon the congratulations are a bit previous...

She’s already had “a bit of a strop”... I predict LOTS of pressure for her DS....

Hope I’m wrong, but I don’t think this is resolved as yet

MrsScrubbingbrush · 12/12/2017 16:18

Well done OP.

Make sure you let your DH know what you've agreed with MIL so she can't play you off against each other!

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 16:57

DH has just rang me to say she’s been calling him crying because she feels like a burden and we’ve made her feel awkward and uncomfortable. He said that he doesn’t know what to say to her but agrees that she can’t stay before chrismtas.

OP posts:
SootSprite · 12/12/2017 17:08

Wow! Who’s surprised? Anyone? Thought not.

Next step will be flying monkeys. Expect someone else to call to say how you’ve broken her heart and that she just wanted to see her grandchildren over Christmas.

Utter cobblers. Be strong op x

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2017 17:08

She’s doing this to herself though. If she needs a break from fil, can you suggest other things? She needs hobbies, interests, trips and little holidays with friends etc.

Coyoacan · 12/12/2017 17:09

Very well handled, OP.

I must admit I'm a bit surprised that she wants to spend time with the children, yet sees it as a chore to take one of them to nursery or go to events that children enjoy.

Angelicinnocent · 12/12/2017 17:13

Well I originally commented at the beginning of the thread saying you should let her come for a couple of days but having read the updates would say absolutely not. Can't be doing with manipulation like this.

diddl · 12/12/2017 17:15

He doesn't need to say anything-it's all been said!

She can't come when she wants, after Christmas has been agreed & arrangements will be made.

When your kids whine/strop because you've said no, do you change your mind & give in?

If they can cope, she surely can-she's an adult!

Can she get out of the house to be able to go anywhere by herself?

If so, there are options for getting away fro her husband other than going to you.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/12/2017 17:18

Well handled op!

And hands up who had 'she rings her son in tears' down?!

She's a manipulative so and so. As long as your DH is on side you'll be fine. I can't believe the childish one up man ship (had to separate out the word as auto correct really didn't like it...)

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/12/2017 17:19

Crying to DH, so predictable.

I bet she escalates to unverifiable health scare next.

Make sure DH is well reminded to be more worried about your upset than her upset.

Perhaps tell him how terribly upset you are that she would do this to you and how upset you are that she would put him in a position where he feels he has to choose.

DancesWithOtters · 12/12/2017 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellendegeneres · 12/12/2017 17:28

She's a fucking adult. If she wants a break from her oh, tell her to book into a sodding spa or a hotel and piss off and have peace there not land on you and make you stressed out at the most stressful time of the year Christmas when your dc will be doing lovely festive things

Lizzie48 · 12/12/2017 17:28

My MIL is a bit like this. She puts on a very sad voice in her answerphone messages then we feel that we have to make sure she's ok. She's a widow living on her own so it's more understandable in her case. And thankfully DH has a DB who has 5 DC so that takes some of the pressure off us.

HildaZelda · 12/12/2017 17:30

as i read through the thread and saw that you had called her and put her off, I thought "Well done OP". I was disgusted (but if I'm honest not surprised I'm afraid) to see that she'd then gone running to your DH crying like a spoilt child. She doesn't sound too far removed from my own MIL. It sounds like it's all about her and the world has to revolve around her.
On your behalf though I'm annoyed with your DH for not standing up to her in the first place and saying a firm no but that might be me being a bit sensitive because my DH is the exact bloody dame when it comes to MIL. It's so hard to believe that they're grown men with responsible jobs yet can't stand up to their mothers.
We're actually going away to a friends this year for Christmas and DH hasn't told MIL yet because he knows she'll kick off, despite having her husband, 3 other (adult) children and their spouses and 7 grandchildren there for Xmas.
With any luck OP your MIL will be so 'offended' that she might not come at all and it'll be a win-win for you Grin

SilverySurfer · 12/12/2017 17:37

Very well done OP. She was absolutely U. I love how the MIL apologists/supporters come out of the woodwork. I assume they are MiLs with similar issues Grin

SilverySurfer · 12/12/2017 17:41

How predictable. Anyone want odds on her having a fake heart attack or some other life-threatening health scare before very long?

Inertia · 12/12/2017 17:43

I'd call her straight back - don't leave it to your DH, he sounds like he'd capitulate. I'd reiterate that existing plans make it impossible for her to come down before Christmas, but she has the choice of 28th onwards or over New Year (according to whatever plans you've made).

This sort of caper would annoy the crap out of me.

RebootYourEngine · 12/12/2017 17:46

How old is this woman? She sounds very childish. Crying to your dh when you have already told her no. It sounds like a child who plays one parent off against the other.