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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to stay over

244 replies

KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 13:30

It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.

I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.

DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.

OP posts:
tiptopteepe · 12/12/2017 13:53

YANBU say no. That is too much to handle. You cant just continuously host people throughout the christmas season youll go insane!! (Unless you love that type of thing which clearly you dont)

diddl · 12/12/2017 13:53

Is it so that she gets to stay in the new house before your mum?Hmm

If he's off at work then no.

Why can't she get herself to you?

If she's only an hr away there's no need to stay over.

Trinity66 · 12/12/2017 13:54

a whole week is way too long imo, especially when your DH expects you to entertain her while he's at work. He should probably say that he's going to be working and that you will be too busy in the run up to Christmas. I mean, if you were working and he was off would he be fine with entertaining your mother? I don't understand why it wouldn't work both ways but I'm guessing it wouldn't?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 12/12/2017 13:54

So your DM comes for 2 nights because it's her turn to spend Christmas with you, and this means that MIL needs to come for a whole week right now?

No, no, no.

Be firm. It's not convenient. We spent Christmas with you last year, so it's my Mum's turn this year. We'll catch up with you another time.

Did your DH feel bad that you didn't spend last Christmas with your DM? Of course he didn't. The only reason he's wavering now is because the emotional screws are being turned. If you give into this behaviour then you simply enable it. You need to be firm and put boundaries in place. And I'd be knocking the whole host-me-as-a-guest routine on the head as well. Assuming that she's an able-bodied adult then spending time with the kids doesn't just mean sitting on your arse and benignly receiving them whilst they play quietly at your feet!

MessyBun247 · 12/12/2017 13:56

Tell her you are too busy and she can come for a couple of days after Xmas. Agree with others saying she just wants to be the first one to stay in your new house. A week is far too long, it’s your DHs mother and so not your job to entertain her. Either he takes time off work so he can be around when she stays, or she waits for a time that suits you.

Don’t give in to her stupid competition with your mother.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/12/2017 13:56

she threw a huge fit as she was the guest

Confused

Yeah - she's a guest, but she's family! And she wants time with the children. That is NOT ALWAYS FUN! Sometimes it means HARD WORK.

Tell your DH "Not in a million years, buster!"

Motoko · 12/12/2017 13:57

Fuck no, put your foot down OP. Yes it's his house too, but he's not the one who will be doing all the extra work involved. He won't even be there some of the time.

No.

underneaththeash · 12/12/2017 13:58

Can she just not stay this weekend and then your DH can take her home?
Surely he too is happy with the every other year scenario?

lurkingnotlurking · 12/12/2017 13:58

I wouldn't wait for your dp to say no. I'd get right in there with the 'sorry it's not convenient' excuse. She can't turn the screws on you - job done. It's you who will host so you who gets to respond.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2017 13:59

You need to say no for your own nuclear family, don’t you? Your mil will have to wait until a convenient time. Fancy thinking the week before Christmas is the right time. And then want to be treated as a guest. Guests are invited. They don’t invite themselves then have a hissy fit because they’re expected to pitch in.

When would be more convenient? A weekend soon? Half term for a few days?

BrieAndChilli · 12/12/2017 14:00

I’d think of the most kiddy things to do that MIL wouldn’t enjoy and send her an itinerary saying this is what’s planned and it’s all booked/paid for so won’t be changed.
Hopefully she’ll decide to come another time.

Blackteadrinker77 · 12/12/2017 14:00

Until I started reading these forums I had never realised that people would just invite themselves to stay at peoples houses. My family always ask months in advance.

I'd say that you are too busy but ask them what they would like to do next year.

MiddlingMum · 12/12/2017 14:01

If you do it this year, she'll want to do it again in two years time when it's your family's turn again. Nip it in the bud now.

Anyway, the whole point of having grandparents to stay is that they take over some of the nicer "chores" like nursery drop off, surely?

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 12/12/2017 14:02

So your DM comes for 2 nights because it's her turn to spend Christmas with you, and this means that MIL needs to come for a whole week right now?

No, no, no

Be firm. It's not convenient. We spent Christmas with you last year, so it's my Mum's turn this year. We'll catch up with you another time

This - with bells on!

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 14:03

Erm op as a mil that would be a big fat no from me.

If she was a nice supportive friendly person who helped out and was cheerful you would want her. She isn’t and you don’t and that’s her fault.

Tell her no no no it’s your family’s turn, you are far to busy to host guests for w week before Christmas and you will have her next year.

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 14:05

Actually makes a lot of sense that she’s doing this because she wants to stay in my house before DM. It’s confused me as I don’t understand why she would want to come down without FIL. One of my SILs wil stay with her over chrismtas as well as her dh and dd so she is still getting to be with a grandchild at chrismtas.

It would be easier for us to host her after New Year as obviously I’m not prepared for this as it’s such short notice. I will call her before DH gets home as if I call when he’s here she will just ask for him to be put on the phone and nothing will get sorted

OP posts:
juneau · 12/12/2017 14:05

Don't pander to her desire to pip your parents to the post by staying BEFORE them and for longer. This sounds like another chapter in her desire for oneupmanship. Just say no. The week before Christmas is really busy in any family. New Year (for an agreed period of time that isn't too long), sounds much better. A week before Christmas with minimal notice is simply not on. She is being selfish and inconsiderate.

thetemptationofchocolate · 12/12/2017 14:08

Until I started reading these forums I had never realised that people would just invite themselves to stay at peoples houses. My family always ask months in advance.

My mother has been known to tell me she's coming to stay with only a few days' notice. Add to that she will do it by postcard, from some unknown holiday destination, so that I can't contact her to tell her it's not OK.

ButterShortage · 12/12/2017 14:09

A week! A week before Christmas! Just so she can brag about it!
No fucking way.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/12/2017 14:11

Be strong. If you're on maternity leave you should be able to relax and get to know your new family set up and that doesn't include having Granny stay for a week in the run up to Christmas.
Be firm. Phone her up. Don't leave your DH to do it as he'll probably cave but if you have a script to work from, you should be ok. Something along the lines of "Hi Jane (or whatever her name is), I'm looking to speak with you about your planned visit to us on X date. Unfortunately, it just isn't possible for you to stay that week but we would love to see you on Y date (sometime after Christmas and when your DH is going to be available to entertain his mother). I'm sure you understand that at such short notice it just wouldn't have been possible to have you to stay. Anyway, how are the begonias? /how's the bridge club? (deflect the conversation with a banal thing so that she can't say you weren't interested in her life).

That or put together a shit sandwich. Start off with good news, stick the bit about her being unable to stay with you in the run up to Christmas in the middle and then finish the conversation with another piece of good news.

BattleaxeGalactica · 12/12/2017 14:11

Unless your dh is doing all the legwork he has no call to be putting the emotional thumbscrews on you by making you feel bad.

He doesn't want her over but he hasn't said 'no' to her because he's hoping to use you as his scapegoat. Time for him to man up and tell her the arrangements that suit you. If he doesn't she will be dictating terms until the cows come home.

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 14:15

She sounds unbelievable childish and silly op poor you.

No no no and again no.

Tell your dh to sort it and if he hasn’t the balls you phone her to say no.

FlyingChristmasTree · 12/12/2017 14:15

A week is a long time, why not say she can come for just the weekend before Christmas?

VladmirsPoutine · 12/12/2017 14:15

I really really never want to be a MiL.

mylaptopismylapdog · 12/12/2017 14:16

You have had your Christmas planned and she has the right to change it! Don’t let her do it unless you plan to defer to her in the future. The only question you have to ask yourself is in the future will you be comfortable to do the same thing to your own kids.? I think not, so say no carryon with your plans.