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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want MIL to stay over

244 replies

KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 13:30

It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.

I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.

DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.

OP posts:
MsHomeSlice · 12/12/2017 22:08

i'd get your dh to phone his sister and give her a heads up about all this bad behaviour

she is pulling out all the stops and you all need to be a united front.

Traffig · 12/12/2017 22:09

Oh Katie
What an awful woman. She has behaved appallingly.
Glad DH is standing firm.
You have done the right thing.
I'm so sorry that she is carrying on like this. Flowers

Rainbunny · 12/12/2017 23:57

Your poor DH! Is the MIL's DH your DH's father? If so it's terrible that she complains about her marriage to your DH's own father to him! In fact even if her DH is your DH's step-father I still think it's not appropriate to complain about her marriage to her son.

Hatsoffdear · 13/12/2017 00:17

Mmmm I expect she may try new tactics as the water works havnt got her way.

She will probably be inventing illness next or threatening self harm. I have met her type before op.

Stand firm, tell her this is how it will be and do not budge an inch.

Silly silly woman. She will drive you all away.

Italiangreyhound · 13/12/2017 00:24

YANBU. It's ridiculous for you to entertain her for a week when you don't want to. Why can't she come for a weekend when dh is around, either before or after Christmas, or you two visit them for a day or weekend, either before or after Christmas?

Hebenon · 13/12/2017 00:49

Well done, OP. Keep on sticking to your guns!

HildaZelda · 13/12/2017 00:51

Well done to you both for standing up to her. I've had serious shit with DH tonight over MIL so you have all my sympathy.

Motoko · 13/12/2017 01:35

She will probably be inventing illness next or threatening self harm.

Yep, she's already said this might be her last christmas. She's paving the way for a health scare.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/12/2017 02:42

It being her last Christmas with her DH is neither here nor there really is it? I mean, her staying with you the week before you have other guests rather than coming to see you a few days after you have other guests isn't going to do anything to change that. It isn't going to make it a better Christmas for her, she's still going to be with the man she dislikes over Christmas. The only thing that will actually make her Christmas better that's going to happen will be having her other children with her, and she's threatening to cancel that, so obviously not that invested in having a good Christmas. It's such a toddler tantrum it would be amusing if it weren't so toxic to you and your DH. Hope you are both able to put it behind you and not let it impact your Christmas.

RebootYourEngine · 13/12/2017 05:34

She just gets worse. I would get dh to speak to his sister & tell her whats going on before MIL puts her side in & makes everyone feel sorry for her. Like she is a victim.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 13/12/2017 06:02

Another one saying be prepared for a health scare as her language is very telling.

What a shame that she can't see that the closer she tries to hold everyone, the more you will all pull away.

BanyanChristmasTree · 13/12/2017 06:11

Ignore, ignore, ignore or else your next 2 decades will be a soap opera with her as the main matriarch character.

She thinks she can get her own way by throwing her toys out of the pram. You know what I'd tell her that your family is upset because of the way she is acting about them coming over and that YOU are not happy about it.

Skittlesandbeer · 13/12/2017 06:28

Agree totally that you should say a sunny yes, with the firm condition that he takes the week off.

Clarify to them both that any modern household with young’uns requires 3 months notice for houseguests, and a goodly gap between them.

TinyTear · 13/12/2017 08:19

I would warn your SIL of what is happening, in case she calls to cancel their visit

OnTheRise · 13/12/2017 08:56

Have been on phone with her most of the night she’s turned on the waterworks

That's where you're going wrong.

Tell her, just once, what is acceptable to you then refuse to discuss it with her any further.

If she starts to cry tell her the conversation is obviously too upsetting for her so you'll speak another time, and hang up.

If the conversation starts going round in circles, end it.

This should have been one conversation, twenty minutes maximum. Not "most of the night".

I'm not blaming you, OP, just trying to make you see how she's manipulating you all.

You have to start standing up to her.

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 13/12/2017 09:10

Just dropped DD off so sorry I haven’t got around to replying. We called SIL and told her what has happened and she’s informed us that MIL has been calling SIL throughout the past few weeks moaning about the fact that she never sees our kids. Other SIL has also said that she’s constantly moaning about her relationship with FIL. From what I know she’s the ‘boss’ in the relationship and does a lot of ordering FIL about and now he’s standing up to her which is why she’s getting annoyed. I think that everyone’s starting to stand up to her and she’s feeling a bit crap about it. We’ve told her that it’s either come after Christmas or not at all. I have also said I can host my SILs too as it’s not so hectic and they can all drive down so won’t be as much trouble for me and DH. I do feel for DH as he’s never been extrmemley close to her and now they’ve been getting a lot closer so I don’t think that he wants to let that go, but he is standing up for himself which is much different to yesterday.

If she continues to call I’m not going to entertain it and will just repeat what I’ve said. Thank you all for the support too, I don’t think I would’ve plucked up the courage without you all.

OP posts:
juneau · 13/12/2017 09:21

If she's used to bossing everyone around and getting her own way it's not surprising that she's throwing her toys out of the pram now everyone is standing up to her.

Well done OP. Pandering to manipulative people only makes the situation worse in the long run. If you allow yourselves to be manipulated into backing down then you're just setting yourself up for increasingly unreasonable demands. It sounds like the whole family has reached the end of their tether with her at the same time.

diddl · 13/12/2017 09:25

Have her & your husband been getting closer as he was the only one doing as he was told?Hmm

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/12/2017 09:34

She might have been getting closer to DH to punish the family members who have been standing up to her.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 13/12/2017 10:37

25 festive they have not said its a win but they are tunnel vision and competitive. Yes they will see it as a win. To a degree.
Op I do feel for your Mil, but she had you last year. You have offered to see her over the Xmas period. Why is she talking to you about her relationship with her son.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/12/2017 10:42

I think that she is being unreasonable. But is part of this that she feels her marriage is breaking up? If it's really true then she might be demanding because she needs support. However, its not fair to insist that this has to be at Christmas, regardless of anyone else's plans. She is an adult and should behave like one. If she is not then she would be a very difficult visitor, and lets not forget YOU ARE PREGNANT and already have 3 kids and a houseful. If you feel her marriage breakup issues are genuine and not manipulation, perhaps offer her other times when it will be convenient to visit and she will have more attention and not have to compete with lots of other visitors. Also. It doesn't have to be for an entire week! Maybe spread out and divided between the siblings would actually be more helpful. Also she should go to speak to someone like Relate. She has more than one child. She could spread the need for support between them. If she's lost the plot then you can't take her random demands seriously because perhaps she doesn't really know what she wants and should make some calm plans of your own, which DH could convey. If it's attention she wants, there's ways for DH to give her this calmly. Maybe he and his sister can take her out for a few hours before Christmas and let her talk if that's what she needs ( a bit unfair on the FIL who might also be suffering) This might actually be more helpful to her in the long run, and also if they are both firm about staying a week for Christmas, she will have got the attention she needs but it will have fitted in with your plans too. Only you can tell if this would work though. Best of luck with Christmas and try not to let this stress you out too much.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/12/2017 10:48

Sorry just read that you've been on the phone with her most of the night. Your DH has to lay down the law about what is acceptable. A pregnant woman with kids needs her rest, not to be a listening box for rants.

Emerald92 · 13/12/2017 10:48

Well done OP glad you stood up to MIL! Enjoy your Christmas! Xmas Grin

SilverySurfer · 13/12/2017 10:52

Skittlesandbeer
Agree totally that you should say a sunny yes, with the firm condition that he takes the week off.

You might want to RTFT, things have moved on a bit since page 1.

Well done OP, keep up the good work - next will be splitting with her DH and wanting to move in with you [shudder]

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2017 11:28

She will probably be inventing illness next or threatening self harm.

As Motoko says. Also bear firmly in mind that people who threaten and bluster in this manner do NOT seriously hurt themselves.

They don't want to.

They want their own way.

And perhaps she spent even half the time fussing over FIL as she does bullying everybody, she would have a healthier relationship . . (assuming here that FIL isn't as bad in his own way, or anything)

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