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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to stay over

244 replies

KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 13:30

It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.

I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.

DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 12/12/2017 18:02

Why all the hate for MiLs. Who would be one? It's like they become satan the second their progeny says "I do."

Not at all. My MIL was a lovely lady and we got on really well. She died some years ago now and I still miss her very much. However the difference between my MIL and the OP's, is that mine was very laid back and easy to get along with whereas the OP's sounds rather high maintenance, competitive and manipulative.

This is a grown woman who has rung to cry down the phone to her son, because she's not getting her own way, simply because she wants to stay in the new house first before OP's own Mum does. It's pathetic behaviour and rather short-sighted, because by stamping her feet and making a pest of herself, she'll end up driving her son, OP and her GC away. You reap what you sow.

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 18:11

DH called her once he got home so I could hear what she was saying. She had a massive sob saying she hates living at home with her husband and although she can have her daughter with her it’s not the same without her son and if she can’t have all her gc with her around Christmas time there’s no point to have any of them over. (She also has a younger dd who she isn’t bothering about). She’s basically told us that if she can’t see us she will cancel Christmas with her dd. I’ve told OH that it’s all manipulation and he agreed we just don’t know what to say to stop her from doing this. The last thing we ended on was that we can still only have her over after chrismtas.

OP posts:
FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 12/12/2017 18:12

I agree about nipping this in the bud asap. The longer the delay the greater the impression you give that she has caused a discussion and relenting of your position.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 12/12/2017 18:13

Ah just seen your update. I think you have to be prepared to call her bluff. It's getting sillier by the hour.
You are not responsible for making her happy and if she chooses to have a tantrum it's her choice.

Sashkin · 12/12/2017 18:14

She’ll cancel Christmas for her other grandchildren if she can’t stay with you beforehand?! Shock

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/12/2017 18:16

Aw. The poor dd she isn't even counting Sad

She's higher tier unhinged. Get ready for an onslaught. Stay tight with DH.

Or if I was feeling mean I'd drop it into conversation with dil...hey Xmas is cancelled as your DM doesn't think Xmas with you would count

Sashkin · 12/12/2017 18:16

At least she’s making this easy for you, she behaving like such a loon you can’t possibly give in to her now!

If I was her DD I would be pretty pissed off about this too - if DMIL isn’t careful she might find herself on her own at Christmas anyway. I certainly wouldn’t be going round if I heard I was the runner-up prize Hmm

Lizzie48 · 12/12/2017 18:16

I bet she won't cancel Christmas with her DD. It's just a way to manipulate your DH.

Cheeseislife · 12/12/2017 18:17

What a charmer... I'd be inclined to ask how she would like it if that was communicated to the daughter who is suffering her over Xmas... Id also love to know of what relevance that is when you spending Xmas with her was never even on the cards anyway!

lurkingnotlurking · 12/12/2017 18:18

Is she losing her marbles, Op? Or was she always like this? As I see it, she's giving you all the more reason to want to keep her at arm's length.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2017 18:20

Unfortunately I think your mil is now showing who she really is. Time to stand firm. Sad

SilverySurfer · 12/12/2017 18:21

OP you need to end this now or she will niggle away at your DH every day until she wins. It's difficult for him - it's his DM and he is likely experiencing Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).

If I were you I would call her and say you were surprised that she called DH after you had both agreed she would come and visit in the New Year. Ask her why she thinks it's unreasonable for your family to be with you this Christmas as you 'happily' spent it with her last year? If she is still grumbling then I would say - fine if you can't be reasonable then DH, DCs and I will be spending every Christmas alone in the future. It's ridiculous if we are going to have to deal with this every year. End of conversation. Then she will really have something to cry about, stupid woman.

lurkingnotlurking · 12/12/2017 18:22

Ooh that would take balls. But it's good

juneau · 12/12/2017 18:24

Blimey, she's a right manipulative drama llama isn't she?

Just keep repeating the same thing. That she's welcome to come after Christmas. That you are really busy in the run up to Christmas and it's not convenient to have house guests. Give in to her and you will never get a moment's peace.

allwomanR · 12/12/2017 18:28

You say no, it’s not her turn. ‘Actually we’re not ok having guests that week we have our family activities planned ’ You do not have to justify it but you can offer an alternative date if you want. Honestly she can be clearly told you’re a family unit and want to spend time together as such and you’ve got your family for Christmas. Don’t feel guilty it could be short term pain for long term gain saying no here
good luck Flowers

escorpion · 12/12/2017 18:29

So she clearly wants to be in your new house first before your Mum. Can't stand one upmanship or manipulation. Stick to your guns. You went to MIL last year and it is your Mums turn this year.

Amaried · 12/12/2017 18:30

I'd get it out of the way.. would rather before Xmas than after..

diddl · 12/12/2017 18:31

Christ if I was the sibling not good enough without my brother I'd be tempted to tell her to fuck off!

Of course then your husband would be inviting her for Christmas!

Well, if her marriage is so bad, she'd best look into a divorce.

BewareOfDragons · 12/12/2017 18:32

"If you want to cancel Christmas, that would be your decision. Our plans have been made and will not be changing. Let us know what you decide about visiting around the New Year."

She's a selfish manipulative cow who doesn't give two fucks that her son has a wife, and that his wife would like to see her own family at Christmas sometimes, too. If she wants to make ridiculous threats and pronouncements trying to guilty everyone into give her everything that she wants, let her. Just ignore her.

SilverySurfer · 12/12/2017 18:33

lurkingnotlurking
Ooh that would take balls. But it's good

Yes but probably female balls, I doubt the OP's DH could do it - no shame on him, dealing with one's own parents is tough.

I can see a new business opportunity - a company who hires out men/women who will text/e-mail a message to a difficult relative on a customer's behalf, sending the message with zero emotion, straight and to the point. Payment on successful silencing of relative. I could make millions Grin

Seriously, good luck OP, hit it on the head.

Ellendegeneres · 12/12/2017 18:35

Yeah, but don't let her think coming to live with you is an option if she does divorce! She sounds two sandwiches short of a picnic

OnTheRise · 12/12/2017 18:41

You can't stop her saying all these unpleasant things. All you can control is how you behave. So tell her that you're sorry she's so upset but you still can't have her over for Christmas, and then change the subject. If she starts talking about it again tell her it's all been decided, and it's not up for discussion.

If she persists, tell her you don't want to talk about it so you're ending the conversation. And hang up on her.

Yes, it's hard. But no, it's not rude. She's trying to manipulate you. Don't let her do it.

YouTheCat · 12/12/2017 18:41

Be firm. Tell her this nonsense stops or you'll take back the invitation for after Christmas. You aren't going to change your minds and she can have a crap time of her own making or she can get on with it and accept it and have a pleasant Christmas.

Rainbunny · 12/12/2017 18:45

Oh dear, she's behaving like a toddler so you need to treat her like one and set firm limits which it looks you are doing excellently! I have no time passive aggressive manipulative people and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest to say a firm no if my MIL or my own DM tried a stunt like this (they wouldn't behave this way thank god).

greendale17 · 12/12/2017 18:47

**No, you say no.

It was her turn last year and it's your family's turn this year.**

^This