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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want MIL to stay over

244 replies

KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 13:30

It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.

I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.

DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/12/2017 14:36

Just call her and tell her that it's a bad time to come, that you have far too many kiddy things booked that aren't her cup of tea, and you'd love to have her down when you have loads more time to spend with her doing things without the pressure and expense pre-christmas.

if she tries to wriggle, remind her that you are happy to invite her as a guest to your home, but it has to be after Christmas.

Lizzie48 · 12/12/2017 14:37

A week would be way too long to have her to stay at your house, and at such a busy time! No, this is a time to be firm and set boundaries with MIL, and not to pander to this ridiculous competition with your DM.

RestingGrinchFace · 12/12/2017 14:37

I think that YANBU fur not wanting her but YWBU not to say yes. You are having your family over afterall. Just don't spend any time with her when she is there. Spend the schools days out 'running errands' which will be easy. Just go for drop off in the morning and don't find back until you have the children. Leave her a set of keys so that she can go out too. In the evenings just say that you are feeling under the weather and go upstairs to have a nice long bath with a book as soon as the children are in bed. My MIL is very overbearing (in a bitchy I could never do that to them-by which she meant not immediately cave in the second they start fake crying ) so I feel for you. I really do. I would much rather never see her again but it's really not an option and not really fair either. Is she annoying? Fuck yes. Has she been bad enough to warrant keeping her from seeing her grandchild/son? Of course not.

kateandme · 12/12/2017 14:39

even if your dh does legwork Id still say no if you can.becasue of what this to me and other pp represents.and from what I see its her trying to get in there for a week over ur dm and for longer and first.
you need to talk in facts if that makes sense.
as in don't put is that ok.can we.maybe if...simply say in facts no I'm afraid this weeks not good for us we are choc bloc but we'll meet in the new year when we can all do it instead.
if she starts meowing then simply keep it factual again "I no its just one of those things.after all it was your year last so we are only being fair.next year though.itl be great to have something too look forward to in the new year.when are you free then.dont be drawn into the murmeringand emotional torment she is likely to try put on you.keep bring convo back to factual safe waters.
then..well have a think what dates suit and get back to us.thanks now.keep warm.bye.
done.

Trinity66 · 12/12/2017 14:41

Totally disagree RestingGrinchFace that's playing games, the OP is an adult and should act like one. Also, why should she have to stay out of her own house for a whole week and the week before Christmas when she's probably trying to get the place ready for Christmas? It's much more cruel imo to let her come and treat her so badly than to just tell her the time isn't convenient

GreyMorning · 12/12/2017 14:42

A week? Fuck no, two nights tops!

Butterymuffin · 12/12/2017 14:44

What did she say OP?

On the 'she won't come for a shorter period of time', she can hardly insist if your DH is going to be driving her and he says he can't come then. Tell him you just don't agree.

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 14:51

We live very rurally and our house is a good drive away from anywhere with shops etc and dh will have his car and I will have mine so she’d be stuck in all day.

OP posts:
Youllneverlivelikecommonpeople · 12/12/2017 14:52

How did the call go, OP?

HopingForSomeSnow · 12/12/2017 14:54

I wish I had leaned to stand up for myself much earlier in my relationship with MIL. Life would have been so much easier if I had drawn a line from the start.

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 14:55

I told her that whilst it would be lovely to see her over chrismtas most of our days are full with stuff to entertain the kids and we don’t think she’d take much interest in it. She then said that she’d put up and shut up if it came to it. I told her that wouldn’t be fair. I asked if it would be better for her to come after or just before new year without FIL. She had a bit of a moan and said (just as I expected) that she wants a break from FIL. I told her it wouldn’t really be a break as it’s Christmas with very excitable young children. She’s agreed to come over after Christmas but has had a bit of a strop.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 14:55

vlad

No I am a mil and my dils love me because love is about showing respect, support and helping out not whining, competing and bratting.

I love being a good mum and mil.

PugwallsSummer · 12/12/2017 14:56

YANBU but MIL will make you feel as though you are. Hopefully your DH will nip this in the bud.

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 14:57

Good for you op.

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 12/12/2017 14:58

Brilliant!

Well done and thanks v much for the update!

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 15:00

Thank you all.

OP posts:
ifihadonlyknown · 12/12/2017 15:00

Tell her to get stuffed. If someone lives far away they are entitled to an over-nighter to spend time with your kids- 1 night. She sounds like a nightmare and you are a fool if you let Christmas be ruined by this stress. You and your children come first and you already live in your house. Why would you be inviting everyone else in and making extra work for yourself?

Posts like this make me feel so blessed that we never see his mother, I have never met his father (he hasn't seen since he was 18) My father lives 20 miles away but is so busy being a bigshot we meet for lunch twice a year (and he pops a grand in the bank to cover kids gifts, Christmas , birthday , easter)...One local uncle pops in for a beer twice a month. I never, ever have to entertain anyone. And I bloody love it :)

jay55 · 12/12/2017 15:08

Well done op. She was utterly mad for suggesting it. The week before Xmas is not for visitors.
Enjoy the time with the kids.

Trinity66 · 12/12/2017 15:08

Good for you OP

Viviennemary · 12/12/2017 15:08

She is obviously feeling left out and probably thought she'd be invited to your house for Christmas. But instead you have invited four of your own family. That's how she sees it and the reason she's annoyed. But as you say you went to hers last year and you have said you'll spend Christmas with her next year. It's a bit silly to want to visit two days before Christmas when people are busy.

DancesWithOtters · 12/12/2017 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 12/12/2017 15:09

Why all the hate for MiLs. Who would be one? It's like they become satan the second their progeny says "I do."

Oddly enough though its only the ones who behave badly that experience this. Wonder why? Smile

Well handled OP.

MsHomeSlice · 12/12/2017 15:12

excellent update! :D

iboughtsnowboots · 12/12/2017 15:26

Good for you OP.

It's all about what kind of MIL you are, my DH has a very difficult one that we are low contact with and I have been much luckier. That said she is staying for two weeks over Christmas and I am looking forward to this less than the rest of the family. But she is hard working and will do her best not to interfere so we should rub along fine.

diddl · 12/12/2017 15:27

She wants a break from her husband?

Why wouldn't he have brought her over then?

Glad it has worked out OK.