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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to stay over

244 replies

KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 13:30

It’s another MIL and Christmas thread so I apologise. I want to say I generally get on well with MIL, we aren’t extremely close but I do enjoy spending time with her. However she can be very overbearing and likes to tell me how to raise my children. She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too.

I’m having DM and her partner as well as DB and his partner over for Christmas. They will stay chrismtas eve and go home Boxing Day. It has been planned since last year as we stayed with PIL last year. MIL has recently been told this by DH and she’s flipped off. She said that she had wanted to come down to ours this year with FIL as we have just moved into our house and wants to spend the first Christmas there with us. DH told her that there was no way for her to come down as we have barely enough room for my family to stay anyway. He’s also said that we can spend Christmas with her next year. All was fine until she called him last night to ask if it would be ok for her to come down this weekend and stay until the 23rd then go home to be with FIL and SILs family. She expects DH to pick her up and drive 2 hours to do so. This will mean her being there for a week and we will have no time just as our family until after Christmas. She will also be there for two school days and I already know that she will be really overbearing. DH hasn’t agreed but hasn’t said no so I don’t know how to get around it.

DH is making me feel a bit bad for saying no but having my family over but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable just need outside perspective and advice on how to get around it.

OP posts:
Spartaca · 12/12/2017 14:16

No no and no.

B3LL3 · 12/12/2017 14:17

She sounds awful. Why not have her this weekend and then she goes home? Asking to stay before Christmas is just rude.

DancesWithOtters · 12/12/2017 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fruitbrewhaha · 12/12/2017 14:20

What a ridiculous idea. To those saying if your DH does the leg work, driving them let her, I have to disagree. The MIL is being competitive, and annoying. She will not be helpful and OP, you will be busy getting ready for your family coming to stay.
Tell MIL you will see them in the new year.

Trinity66 · 12/12/2017 14:20

She sounds awful. Why not have her this weekend and then she goes home? Asking to stay before Christmas is just rude.

I wouldn't have her till after Christmas on principle because it seems like she wants to come before Christmas just so she can say she's stayed before the OPs mom Shock

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 14:22

Yes totally agree Trinity I wouldn’t play her game

diddl · 12/12/2017 14:22

If she came with FIL, would he drive?

Could you fit them in for a day somewhere?

whiskyowl · 12/12/2017 14:22

No, no, no, no, no,

A supportive MIL who would come and help out with Christmas preparations is one thing. One who expects to be entertained, taken to non-child-friendly places (the Christmas markets), and driven about is a totally different kettle of fish.

You spent Christmas with her last year - it's your family's turn this year. We all have to accept that other people have families too!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/12/2017 14:23

If you think she's just trying to pip your DM to the post - refuse outright! Not a week, not a day - not a quick coffee and a hastily scoffed custard cream!

Thee's no way you want to give her the victory - she will crow about it for years!

You are far too pregnant and too busy (preparing for your own mother's visit) to host a GUEST sprung on you at the last minute.

You have your children to take care of - they are excited and need to be occupied by something other than trailing round Christmas markets whining, "Can we go home yet?", and you have a lot of Christmas preparations to do for your family - 'guests will have to take a back seat. Grin

Seriously though, you do have enough on your plate without getting embroiled in this farce!

VladmirsPoutine · 12/12/2017 14:26

Why all the hate for MiLs. Who would be one?
It's like they become satan the second their progeny says "I do."

itshappening · 12/12/2017 14:26

I don't know anyone who would be so thoughtless and rude as to invite themselves to stay for a week just before Christmas when they know someone will be getting ready for other guests straight afterwards.

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 14:27

They live quite far away so I wouldn’t expect them to just come down and then go home. They’d have to stay over which I’m fine with (as long as I get more than a few days notice!).

FIL would drive yes. I have planned out what I’m going to say so will call her in a minute and tell her. She’s known to turn on the waterworks when things don’t go her way and her go to thing to cry about now is FIL so I’m almost prepared for her to say that she wanted to come down for a break from FIL.

I come from quite a common, lower class family that she looks down on and she’s never been exceptionally close with her children so part of me thinks she wants to be with my dc more to stop them being ‘common’ or to make up for lost time with her own dc.

She’s not an altogether horrible woman but when it comes to things like this she can make you feel bad even when you know you’re in the right which I think is why DH doesn’t want to say anything to her. Although that isn’t an excuse.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2017 14:27

YANBU. Your DH as well should handle his mother better and he needs to assert himself as a person far more both for his own self and his family unit.

I would also raise your boundaries a lot higher with regards to his mother as well. If she is overbearing and likes telling you how to raise your children then I would argue that she is not a nice person at all. Why would you at all enjoy spending time with someone like this?.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/12/2017 14:27

whatever her name is

Her name - and title - is CFMIL

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 14:28

I hope I don’t sound like I’m hating on MIL. It isn’t my intention. I’d be annoyed if my own DM did this.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/12/2017 14:29

he wants to be with my dc more to stop them being ‘common’

Teach your little ones to swear like dockers! Grin

Original poster
KatieKookaburra26 · 12/12/2017 14:30

I’m off to call her, will let you all know how it goes.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2017 14:30

And this from LazyDailyMailJournos as well in spades re your H:-

"The only reason he's wavering now is because the emotional screws are being turned. If you give into this behaviour then you simply enable it. You need to be firm and put boundaries in place. And I'd be knocking the whole host-me-as-a-guest routine on the head as well. Assuming that she's an able-bodied adult then spending time with the kids doesn't just mean sitting on your arse and benignly receiving them whilst they play quietly at your feet!"

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/12/2017 14:30
  • She - not he
Trinity66 · 12/12/2017 14:31

Why all the hate for MiLs. Who would be one?
It's like they become satan the second their progeny says "I do."

I think this is a bit unfair, it's not hate for MILs in general, people are replying to this particular situation not all mother in laws ever. Do you not think it's an unreasonable request here?

My DHs mother died when he was 14 so I never met her but it sounds like she was a lovely person, I would love to have had a MIL

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 12/12/2017 14:31

You don't sound horrible at all, quite the opposite actually.

She had you last year and this year it's your familys turn.

Don't let waterworks sway you - just keep firm and don't be bullied.

And purleeeease up date us! :)

whiskyowl · 12/12/2017 14:33

"Why all the hate for MiLs."

Oooh, let's see. Given that this isn't some kind of class action thing, and that everyone is posting about individual MILs, maybe it's actually that people VARY, with some being nice and some not so nice?

The OP has made clear that she isn't the MIL from hell. On the other hand, there are some reasons why the OP wouldn't want to entertain this woman for an entire week:

"she can be very overbearing"
"she likes to tell me how to raise my children"
"She also has a petty rivalry with my DM over the children and it isn’t all one sided as DM does participate in it too."

  • she's selfish: "We have some days planned with the kids before chrismtas too and I know she won’t enjoy it and will spend the day complaining. She doesn’t enjoy much stuff aimed for kids so I know she will prefer to go to Christmas markets which the kids will find boring."

Not to mention the fact that she invited herself to stay for a week, which no decent person does to anyone.

Yeah, I'm not sensing an angel of light and support here. Just because you have a lovely MIL doesn't mean everyone else does.

Frouby · 12/12/2017 14:34

Just say no OP.

Really not worth the hassle. Let her strop about it to fil and your dh and just keep repeating 'no that isn't going to work for me. Valalentines weekend is good tho, you could babysit while me and dh go out, or maybe even NYE......'

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2017 14:35

Oh dear. You’re common. I, myself spew blue blood. Hmm

Well done for standing up to her. Don’t forget, whoever she is and whatever your background may be, you are both equals and her looking down on your family says more about her than it does about you. She may well be lovely a lot of the time. But allowing yourself or your family to feel inferior is not good. My mother is superior and rather hyacinth bouquet. It really pisses me off.

diddl · 12/12/2017 14:36

"They live quite far away so I wouldn’t expect them to just come down and then go home."

You're far too nice-they're only 2hrs away!

can't imagine what sob story she ust have told your husband that he would even consider fetching her.

The only answer is "don't be daft, of course I won't fetch you-wait & come with dad"