WIBU to go to the office Christmas party?

[GerddwrEryri]

After having a breakdown last weekend and struggling to hold it together on Monday, I decided to go off sick and the GP has signed me off until Christmas. The Christmas party is on Friday. WIBU to go? I'd really like to go, it'd be nice to get out and actually see people. I feel bad though for wanting to go when I'm not well enough to work and I'm worried about people judging me.

@curryforbreakfast

What she said ^

This is nothing about wallowing in self pitying and rocking on the spot. Stop being so facetious and dramatic. It's also pretty rude of you to categorise those with MH issues like that.

You should absolutely get out and see people. Swim and exercise. But to rock up to your office party is foolish beyond belief.

Most people would think if you are well enough to party, you are well enough to work. It would cause bad feeling and gossip.
Instead, why don’t you contact one or two of your closest work colleagues and see if they would like to meet up for a coffee? You could talk to them about how being social aids MH recovery. This would not only help your recovery, it would also help educate them a little about MH recovery and make your return to work a bit easier.
Please don’t go to your work party, no good will come of it.

I'd definitely go and socialise if that will help you; but I wouldn't do it at a staff party. If that's really your only way of socialising, I'd use this as a kick to make friends unrelated to work so you can fully let your hair down sometimes.

It does feel unfair; especially if you want to go; but it's how it is. I hope you feel better soon

YABU. It’s not the mental health aspect. You’ve been off for a short period of time also. It’s not as if you’ve been off months and have been isolated from colleagues and work.

@GerddwrEryri

If work is your only social outlet then you need to use your time off to change that. Does Mind have a branch near to you? Do they run social groups or coffee mornings or anything? Have you been in touch with your MH team?
You will have to make the (probably very hard) effort to get out of that rut. It isn't easy - I am very isolated too. And also suffer from depression but you works do is not a good idea. I mean that kindly. Why not invite a close colleague over one evening? Or meet them to go to movies?

Or if you are desperate then phone work and discuss your concerns and say how much benefit you'd get by meeting up with them but you are worried you will be judged. What do they think and could they facilitate it going smoothly.

Just in case it's not clear enough by now, another one joining the chorus of 'Don't go!!'

This is nothing about wallowing in self pitying and rocking on the spot. Stop being so facetious and dramatic. It's also pretty rude of you to categorise those with MH issues like that.

I'm sorry it came across as rude and facetious, it wasn't intentional. I'm not the only one who thinks some people have a view of those with MH as rocking in a corner unable to go out. I have MH issues (obviously) so of I'm categorising those with MH I'm obviously including myself in that.

I have spoken to my manager who thinks it would be good for me to go and thinks it's would help my MH. But as so clearly evidenced here, he is massively in the minority with that viewpoint.

It's saddening that the vast majority of responses on here show how much stigma and ignorance still surrounds mh issues.

OP I would suggest speaking to your manager if they're supportive and seeing what their view is. If you did go be prepared for colleagues to be asking questions about your illness and why you're off- are these questions something you feel you could deal with

hoping you're feeling lots better soon

For those who are suggesting I should go out with friends instead, I thought I'd made it pretty clear that's not an option. The only friends I have live hundreds (and one lives thousand) of miles away.

To go out and make friends makes it sound super easy. I wish I could, but I don't even know where to begin.

A Christmas do is still work, so you cannot pick and chose to do one - the fun bit - but be too unwell to do the rest!

The colleagues that will (or will not) judge you will be normal people: who struggle with their own health sometimes, have to cope with sick children and childcare, have to deal with family issues etc etc but still have to make it to the office. It really isn't right to show up to party but not be able to do any work.

Some companies would love, genuinely, to accommodate everybody and be flexible, but it's just not possible, there is a business to run.

As above, I really cannot see how anyone could take your breakdown seriously when you are going to a work party 5 days later!

Thank you caffeinebomb I do feel I could answer questions somewhat. I don't want to go into full details such as being picked up by the police. But I feel I could answer them a little bit.

To go out and make friends makes it sound super easy. I wish I could, but I don't even know where to begin.

Volunteering is always a good way of making friends, as is taking an interest in hobbies that don't involve so much solitude.

Have a good think about it OP. I'm sure you'll find something that suits.

If work was not the trigger, and you are feeling lonely and isolated and sad all by yourself, missing the social interaction of the workplace, which will make you even more down, then I have to wonder why you have actually gone off sick in the first place?
'Working through it' may have been the better option for you.
(I have worked in MH, FYI.)

Bluetrews - to answer your question, work was not the trigger, but work was making it worse. So I thought having some time away from work would help, which it has to a certain extent.

OP, I’m sorry that you’re getting such a kicking here. Lots of people have been kind but there are a lot of posters who are acting like they think they’re your mum, and you’re a naughty child trying to wangle a sick day off school!

I’m genuinely surprised and have never been so grateful to work where I do. My colleagues are far from perfect but in this situation I really can’t imagine any of them having the kinds of reaction being described here. We’d just say it was nice to see you and that we hoped you were feeling better, and we looked forward to having you back in the New Year.

I think really only you know what the vibe is like at your workplace. Some places wouldn’t bat an eyelid while others would apparently have a field day gossiping, if this thread is anything to go by.

Side note, I’m also gobsmacked at some of the stories on here of employers thinking they get to dictate what an employee can or can’t do while signed off sick! Someone said they couldn’t go swimming for rehab (as recommended by their doctor) because their employer wouldn’t allow it... that’s just bonkers.

If you're well enough to party, you're well enough to work IMO

I wouldn't go.
What if people question you about why you're off sick?
What if they judge you behind your back?
What if they're all perfectly reasonable people and recognise that socialising can be good for MH, but you worry that they're talking behind your back?
Surely it's better not to go, but ask if one or two of them would like to meet for a quick lunch before Christmas?

Can I recommend something like the WI to make friends. Easy to find, meet up once a month and so not too much commitment and full of women of all ages. My local one is exceptional. At 43 I'm not anywhere near the oldest or youngest!!

Please don't go,
As a manager iIwould realise that you are of course within your rights to go but i would hope that you wouldn't.
To my mind it would send a poor message to other staff who are going to be extra busy covering this Christmas to see the employee who is too ill for work but well enough to attend a 3 course meal.
I really really wouldn't.

I feel for you though, isolation is a terrible thing, It might be worth looking at the "Meet ups" for people with similar interests

So I thought having some time away from work would help, which it has to a certain extent.

You were at work last Monday so you've only been away for a week so far, and only a week after you were suicidal enough to have the police involved.

You said on your other thread you were due to see your psych this week. I think you need a very good chat with them.

I also think you need to foster some outside interests and make some friends. I think that would be hugely beneficial to your mental health, OP. I'm not sure spending time on MN discussing this is necessarily going to help, especially when you disagree with the vast majority of people and many of them saying don't go have been in the same boat as you with their mental health.

Op - you obviously think you would be right to go. And no-one here knows you, or cares whether you go.

BUT - your colleagues don't know why you are 'off', and even the ones who may know think it's 'stress'. No one knows it's MH, so you can't rip them off if they don't make allowances for it.

You say work was not the trigger, but was making it worse. Yet you want to subject yourself to the xmas do? Colleagues talking about you?

You don't seem to have much else in your life but work. I'd suggest you do try to make other friends, or join a rambling group, or knitting klatch, anything to get you out and expand your world.

But the xmas party? No. Don't go. If you do, It will come back to bite you later, but if you won't listen, it's your look out.

@frieda909 she really hasn't had a kicking on this thread. Most people have shared similar experiences and cautioned her against making a mistake which could cause her lots of problems. And it is true that many people will feel that too ill to work includes teh Christmas party just ONE week after she has been signed off. It sounds as though she is going through a very tough time and the vast majority are saying, not with judgement but with experience and concern, that teh Christmas party is not a good idea.

OP i would also be worried that the reality of it may not be as you are imagining. From having such a severe breakdown as week ago, I, kindly, wonder if you are over estimating the support of work and camaraderie. I know when I have been unwell i have lost perspective on situations and people somewhat.

I am sure that those of us telling you to make other friends are annoying. It is bloody difficult. But dont see it as making bosom buddies, maybe as just getting out and meeting new people. I am sure this is a silly idea but would a fostering or adopting a dog be possible. I have met many people since getting a dog. I talk to people everyday. They aren't my friends, but are other dog walkers. Some of whom i have swapped numbers with so we can organise walks together. Also having a dog makes me get out every day and get a good amount of exercise. And he gives love and affection. It is expensive though and a long term commitment so i am not sure if it is possible for you right now. Alternatively you could look at borrow my doggy if you like dogs but cant commit to walking.

Have they reviewed your medication? Are you involved with a crisis team? Do you have any plans for Christmas? It is such a hard time of year. Maybe if you have no family near to spend the day with, it would be a good idea to contact a soup kitchen or homeless charity so you aren't at a loose end on such an emotive day. I'm sorry if any of these suggestions are facile or silly. I can hear that it is tough for you and just chucking a few ideas out there.

One foot in front of the other, you just need to keep moving forward even if it is at a slow pace. Just concentrate on teh next minute hour day. Break it down as small as you need it to be.

Good luck.

I wouldn’t go. I once made a Yule log when I was signed off (the day after wisdom tooth surgery). Didn’t think anything of it and whacked a proud pic on Facebook. Someone complained to senior management and I got had a ‘quiet word’ with.

I can't believe managers snoop on Facebook to make sure people are adequately sick! You can be well enough to potter round the kitchen but still not ready to travel into work and spend a whole day doing your job.

In view of this, I would definitely think it isn't great idea to go to the work Christmas do, OP, it could potentially lead to HR asking questions about why you're not back at work yet.

OP when I’ve had mental health problems it’s often taken me time for my judgement of my recovery to be well balanced.
It’s been such a short period of time since up ur breakdown, you may not be at the best stage of judgement of what will help and what won’t. I’m not saying that unkindly; I’ve made these errors before.
As someone who works in HR, it would not be looked on favourably. Maybe arrange to pop in for lunch or something low key? But an evening meal and booze etc... it’s not a good thing to do when healing
Please be kind to yourself and take time to recover fully