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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to go to the office Christmas party?

275 replies

GerddwrEryri · 11/12/2017 09:03

After having a breakdown last weekend and struggling to hold it together on Monday, I decided to go off sick and the GP has signed me off until Christmas. The Christmas party is on Friday. WIBU to go? I'd really like to go, it'd be nice to get out and actually see people. I feel bad though for wanting to go when I'm not well enough to work and I'm worried about people judging me.

OP posts:
pam290358 · 12/12/2017 18:30

Definitely wouldn’t go, and I think you’d be leaving yourself open to disciplinary action if you did. Don’t get me wrong, having had a breakdown myself after my husband died, I understand where you’re coming from, as some sense of normality in your life would probably help, but the office party is a bad idea. Your colleagues are probably already picking up the extra work from your absence and mental health problems are not very well understood anyway, so no. I would keep your Christmas outings to friends and family.

browneyes77 · 12/12/2017 18:31

GerddwrEryri Do you have any work colleagues you are closer to, that you trust/feel comfortable talking to? Could you maybe see if they can meet you for a drink/bite to eat one night instead?

I totally get that you want to try and socialise and don’t have the means to do it outside of work. But although your boss understands why you are off sick, the rest of the team don’t know the ins and outs of it, so if you do go you run the risk of them asking questions as they’ll have no real understanding of your situation. Do you want to feel pushed into talking about it all?

It’s nice that your boss has encouraged you to go, knowing your full situation. At least you know your boss won’t judge you. But can you say the same for your work colleagues? Will their judgments make things more stressful for you? People shouldn’t judge, but they do.

I personally wouldn’t go, but it’s your choice. But if you do go, be prepared for people to be asking why you’re there when you’re supposed to be ill. People don’t look at the illness. They just see a person who’s supposed to be signed off sick, in a situation where they wouldn’t expect a sick person to be.

Wuss24 · 12/12/2017 18:31

Please don't go, you'll be sorry the next day trust me!!

user1499333856 · 12/12/2017 18:35

Total no no.

Nothing positive can come of it for you. Why risk this?

BeautyQueenFromMars · 12/12/2017 18:37

Could someone please explain to me how spending a few hours one evening relaxing, chatting and having a couple of drinks is exactly the same as 7.5+ hours of stressful work 5 or 6 days a week?

pam290358 · 12/12/2017 18:41

JaffaCakes4TeaNow - frankly if you’re asking this question then you have little idea of the effect or severity of mental health issues. The OP has had a breakdown and is almost certainly not in the right place emotionally to judge whether she is well enough to attend the office party. She’s not sure if it’s appropriate and that’s why she asked the question.

feska5 · 12/12/2017 18:42

You really shouldn’t go. If you are not fit for work you are not fit to party. I’m pretty sure your colleagues wouldn’t appreciate or understand you going. People will talk - it’s human nature. It would probably cause an awkward atmosphere for you and spoil the evening anyway. You risk going home feeling worse.

fluffiny31 · 12/12/2017 18:53

I had a mental breakdown and after being in a meeting with my union, manager and hr they sent me home on sick and told me to go to a doctor. I was seriously ill. Before leaving they told me to still go out (because that was part of my medicine) and that included a colleagues wedding. I went didn't enjoy it properly but was able to chat for a short time with other people and it did me good but it took me 3 half months to get back to work. If you want to go I would go. Staying home when you have depression is the worst thing. I felt guilty but my boss told me it's what I needed to do.

Lilloza · 12/12/2017 18:57

I agree with most i defo wouldnt go

Beezley · 12/12/2017 19:05

I too have been diagnosed with severe depression. I'm not capable of going out at the moment but take my advice don't go to that party. People will judge you and it will get back to you and make you feel a whole lot worse. What's one Xmas party compared to your health.xxx

Softkitty2 · 12/12/2017 19:06

Don't go.
Your post seems to me like you are going and justifying why.

You will be judged by colleagues and that in itself will be another mental health stressor.

jellyjellabi · 12/12/2017 19:07

If you were one of my staff and knowing that you were off with stress I would be asking you if you felt well enough to attend and would consider it part of your recovery if you were able to make it. It’s very important to get out when you have mental health problems. If I were you I would talk to your manager and see what his/her response is . If you have kind and considerate colleagues then I’m sure they would be pleased to see you. I hope you have a lovely time if you do go and that you soon feel better x

fluffiny31 · 12/12/2017 19:10

Yes speak to your manager. Like I said my manager and hr and the union all told me to go out. You could see I was ill because after dinner I sat by myself at the wedding watching the bride and groom dance away. I didn't stay long but it helped not to be shut in. I work for NHS.

Jellybean85 · 12/12/2017 19:13

I really think you need to find another way to socialise.
Two members of staff in my team are currently on long term sick leave, MH related. The strain is enormous and we're all working really hard to cover. Everyone is very supportive and truthfully I've never heard anyone say anything negative at all. We all understand that they need to get well and support that fully. However I was in tears with exhaustion on Monday from overwork, were really struggling and can't get cover. It would leave a bad taste for them to come to our works do and have fun when everyone will be inevitably talking over recent events. And difficulties which are sadly caused by their absence.

I truly hope they're getting fulfilling social fun though, just inappropriate and insensitive to do it at the office Christmas party I'm afraid

Alice0906 · 12/12/2017 19:19

I think a lot depends on your workplace, the Christmas party in question and your relationship with your colleagues.

How many people will be at the party? If you work closely in a small team and it will be just them at the meal, I think that's different to a large do with lots of people you don't know well.

You said you really struggled to hold it together when you were in work on Monday. Did your colleagues notice? Were they concerned about you? Or are you able to disguise your feelings, in which case they probably have no idea. I think pp are right in saying that if you do go you're going to need to share some of what you're going through with your colleagues.

Have you spent time with anyone at all since you've been signed off? I know that when things were really bad for me I found any social interaction completely and utterly draining. I'm just wondering if the party might be harder to cope with than you anticipate. On the other hand, I've had friends with MH problems who have found socialising really did boost their mood. I think these things are very individual.

None of us know your exact circumstances op, but I think there are lots of people here who really feel for you and wish you the best regardless of your decision.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 12/12/2017 19:28

But all the talk of people judging you is really saddening. Can people not see that someone may be well enough for a meal out but not to work

This.

The responses to this thread illustrate that people have a lot to learn about mental health (and indeed physical health, I could easily have had an awful cold all week and therefore not be well enough for work especially if eg I worked in a school or hospital, but be well enough for a couple of hours in a restaurant).

But the responses to this thread also illustrate what you'd be up against with your colleagues, so reluctantly I think it would be best to give it a miss.

lolalola19 · 12/12/2017 19:36

Do not go - you would be rubbing your 'sick leave' in the faces of your fellow workers

MummyMuppet2x2 · 12/12/2017 19:38

Don't go. Work colleagues can be extremely judgemental about that kind of thing.
It'd be impossible to justify and will never be forgotten it forgiven.
I'm not saying I personally agree with The above.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/12/2017 19:57

No, you mustn't, you'll be setting yourself up for a fall, if you do.
You'll just have to forsake it this year, hope you're feeling much better soon. Trust me, it's not worth it.🌸

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/12/2017 19:57

There is an assumption that if you are off work for stress or anything, then you shouldn't leave the house ("too ill to work, too ill to enjoy yourself" etc). However, socialising is an important part of regaining mental health and you do need to get out and see people and enjoy a bit of fun.

Having said that, I agree with others on here that there will be some people who will very spitefully judge you and may make things uncomfortable for you when you return to work. This could lead to further stress and impede your recovery.

Do you have any particular work friends you can meet for a coffee and a catch up? I know what you mean about wanting the company, but it could very well cause more problems in the long run.

Your health is the most important thing here.

Loki1983 · 12/12/2017 20:19

I’m in a similar position to you in that I’ve been signed off with stress until Christmas when I leave my job. I couldn’t face people for a big party but I am going out for lunch as a leaving do with some closer colleagues. Whatever you feel comfortable with is what you should do.

ticketytock1 · 12/12/2017 20:29

I don't think you should. I work in HR and whilst it would be wrong to judge because you are off work due to MH, you will unfortunately be judged because still, not enough people understand.
Plus if you mix alcohol with stress / anxiety and any medication you are on, things could get messy

ADishBestEatenCold · 12/12/2017 21:16

"Do people really expect mentally ill people to wallow in self pity and not do anything when they're signed off?"

I don't think that's it, GerddwrEryri. I think (in the workplace, anyway) it is more a case of people expecting all people who are signed off as being too ill to work, to also be too ill to party. Regardless of whether that illness is physical, mental or a combination of the two.

In fact, it would probably be helpful in your case, if people did judge, did differentiate; and so differentiated between mental and physical illness when judging whether being too ill to work, is also be too ill to party. In these circumstances, people may well then see that it can be helpful (in coping with one's illness) to socialise and keep in touch with colleagues, rather than have the kind of isolation that one would have with, for example, 'flu.

Mostly, though, I think it's likely that in the workplace, colleagues would expect everyone who is ill to stay at home, until better!

JemimaLovesHamble · 12/12/2017 21:21

How about emailing your boss or whoever you normally speak to at work and asking for their honest opinion?

Normally I'd say it would look like a pisstake, but if you think it will be beneficial to your mental health to go out and you know your work environment and colleagues well enough to think that they wouldn't judge - why not? But check with your immediate supervisor.

FaveNumberIs2 · 12/12/2017 21:32

Don’t go. If you’re too ill to work (could you have had your hours reduced?) they you should be too ill the party the night away.

And as for the person who asked if people with mental health issues should wallow in self pity ... no they should not, but they should also know that alcohol and partying does not mix well with mental health issues.

Your colleagues will bitch about you and that will make your return to work very difficult.

I hope you feel better soon. X