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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to go to the office Christmas party?

275 replies

GerddwrEryri · 11/12/2017 09:03

After having a breakdown last weekend and struggling to hold it together on Monday, I decided to go off sick and the GP has signed me off until Christmas. The Christmas party is on Friday. WIBU to go? I'd really like to go, it'd be nice to get out and actually see people. I feel bad though for wanting to go when I'm not well enough to work and I'm worried about people judging me.

OP posts:
curryforbreakfast · 11/12/2017 11:21

Unfortunately mental health problems are not fully understood by a lot of people

Actually some of full understand and still think its completely inappropriate to go to the work do. Hmm

curryforbreakfast · 11/12/2017 11:22

some of us fully understand

Becca19962014 · 11/12/2017 11:22

Honestly it's not worth what could potentially happen even at a quiet lunch.

My quiet Christmas lunch ended up with me being reported to HR, sent to occupational health and forced back to work within weeks of the lunch simply because I'd gone - I didn't even stay for the whole thing. It was horrendous. I'd never have thought my colleagues would do that but they did. My manager was really really great and tried to help me but could do nothing, I don't blame them (they blamed themselves as they'd talked me into going) but unless you're willing to risk that happening to you don't go.

I had no life outside of work no way of seeing people and thought these people were my friends. They weren't. I was forced back and ended up hospitalised.

It's not an ideal time to do it now, but you need to look for community groups locally if you're struggling with loneliness, and, yes I really do understand how hard that is and how glib it sounds.

I'm posting because you need to understand what you could be letting yourself in for if you go to this party. People will be drinking and things will be said. I had my breakdown at work and the police were called to my office, every one of my colleagues knew and came to see me in hospital yet they felt it necessary to report my presence at the dinner.

Brokenbutbreathing · 11/12/2017 11:24

I think this is one of those threads where the OP doesn't actually want any advice, or to listen to opinions, but just wants back up to follow her own chosen course of action. These has been much very sensible, and sensitive advice given here. Shame for it to fall on deaf ears...

Coldilox · 11/12/2017 11:24

I was signed off work for a few weeks around Christmas 5 years ago. I too had had a bit of a breakdown, long story. I had a meeting with my supervisor and his boss to discuss it and look at ways to support me back. At the meeting I said i would bow out of the Christmas do, but the big boss insisted I come, said it would be good for me, and that whole he could see I was too unwell to be in work there was no reason to miss the party. I was apprehensive but I went and I was glad I did. My team didn't know the details of what had happened but knew it was MH related, and all were very supportive of me.

Original poster
GerddwrEryri · 11/12/2017 11:25

That's really sad Becca I'm sorry you had to go through that. Are you feeling any better now?

OP posts:
Original poster
GerddwrEryri · 11/12/2017 11:27

I think this is one of those threads where the OP doesn't actually want any advice, or to listen to opinions, but just wants back up to follow her own chosen course of action

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not sure how me saying I feel lonely and work is my only way of socialising has been misconstrued as me going regardless.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 11/12/2017 11:29

OP - if you do go, it may be good for your MH, it may not. I reckon having people talking about you for months afterwards may be harmful.

But you want to go for the social aspect - what about your colleagues? They are going to be a bit Hmm at you, even the best of them.

Go back to work if you want social. Otherwise, find something else, somewhere else to go.

LoverOfCake · 11/12/2017 11:30

Bloody hell becca Shock it's one thing to gossip about someone who pitches up to the Christmas do when they've been off sick, but to report them to hr? You have to wonder what goes through some people's minds when they go to those lengths. Sad.

I do agree with becca though OP in that these people from work are not your friends, they're colleagues. If you're isolated at home you need to find an outlet to make friends outside of the workplace, because the reality is that if you are out of the workplace for a long time or if you change jobs etc the dynamic with those people will change and they will likely drop off your radar sooner rather than later anyway. It's far better to have alternatives who are a solid part of your life iyswim.

SundaySalon · 11/12/2017 11:31

I was signed off sick during early pregnancy for two months, I went to one of my close friends work leaving drinks for an hour. First time I had left the house in weeks but really needed to talk to people and socialise. I didn’t look that unwell and a few people made some drunken comments but generally everyone was very pleased I made the effort to go even though I was sick.

I think it entirely depends on who your work colleagues are, if you do go just go with the expectation that you will get someone make a comment.

Hope you enjoy yourself!! Xmas Smile

toomanycreambuns · 11/12/2017 11:32

You are not well enough to work so you're not well enough to go to the Christmas party.

I knew two members of staff who were signed off sick and both went on holiday during that period. For everyone else struggling in the office this didn't go down too well and the general consensus was that they were entitled snowflakes. Both of them were 'managed out' at a later date.

Sorry, if you don't want to hear that but I would suggest that you keep a low profile and maintain the appearance of 'resting' at home (even if you are going out/seeing friends).

maddiemookins16mum · 11/12/2017 11:35

I wouldn't go either!

Blackteadrinker77 · 11/12/2017 11:36

I agree, I don't see anything good coming from you going.

Do you have family around to help you through your break down?

Becca19962014 · 11/12/2017 11:39

I struggle with my mental and physical health every day.

That dinner wasn't the cause, there are other causes I won't put on here, but you need to understand that dinner, and consequences, didn't help and that my advice is don't go.

I knew no one else and fully understand why you want to go.

Just you'll be judged and going could have serious consequences no matter how well you think you know them. I didn't know that could happen and thought my lovely caring colleagues who came to see me understood when the reality was I was they didn't.

sonjadog · 11/12/2017 11:39

No, I wouldn't go. It would be different if you were off for a long period of time and coming to the party was a way of returning to the workplace, but you've only just been signed off and you're only off for two weeks until Christmas. I think it will look very poor if you go to the party. You don't have to sit indoors for two weeks, but find something else to go out and do in the next few weeks. Meet friends for coffee or something like that.

I get signed off for shorter for MH reasons from time to time, so I do have some experience of this.

Brokenbutbreathing · 11/12/2017 11:39

You should absolutely NOT be going anywhere near the office party a week after being signed off due to being suicidal.

Shatnerswig - can you explain why?

Do you really want an answer to this question? Is it not 100% self-evident?

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not sure how me saying I feel lonely and work is my only way of socialising has been misconstrued as me going regardless.

Well, because of all your posts are focused on maintaining your position and justifying why you should go. The posts here have been almost unanimous, and with clear understanding of MH issues, and the overwhelming advice is that you should not go.

It is terribly sad to hear that you feel lonely, and I hope that you can find ways to make this better, but the work Christmas do, when you are signed off sick, is not an appropriate place to address this.

Original poster
GerddwrEryri · 11/12/2017 11:41

No family around blacktea

Sorry but that's awful toomany I've not been on holiday during sick leave but I did straight after. I wasn't able to do my job as at the time it was very manual intensive and I have a physical health condition which during a flare up made it impossible. It didn't mean I was totally unable to go on the planned break that had been booked for a year. The break did me good and then I was able to return to work. I guess it really does depend on the person though. Some people actually do take the piss.

OP posts:
Becca19962014 · 11/12/2017 11:42

loverofcake I know, id never have thought they'd do that, but that's my point really.

chocatoo · 11/12/2017 11:43

I think it would be inappropriate to go. I'm afraid that yes it would irritate me if a colleague was off sick but pitched up at the party whatever the reasons for them being absent. Sorry, but you did ask!

misscheery · 11/12/2017 11:44

I completely understand where you're coming from. I would want to go too, to unwind a bit and relax. However my colleagues are judgemental bastards and my bosses too, so this wouldn't go down well so I wouldn't go. To be fair, my office Christmas party is this Friday, DP will be away and I'm not going because 1. I see their faces for 10 hours a day & 2. I can't wait to read & watch tv series. I guess I'm a bitch.

letsdolunch321 · 11/12/2017 11:45

If ypu really want to go, ask HR if you can return to work tomorrow as you are feeling better then go to the party. SIMPLE .....

K0729P · 11/12/2017 11:46

OP I've not read the full thread, but have you spoken to your manager?

Personally I agree that socialising etc can help with MH issues. However, it is quite soon after you have been signed off, which may look a bit suspicious to your colleagues.

Have a word with your manager and let them know that you think it could help being in a more relaxing setting, but you're worried how colleagues may react. See what they advise.

I was off years ago with stress and depression for 3 months. I went out to the cinema with a friend who tagged us on facebook. My manager then advised that I shouldn't be adding stuff to FB as my colleagues will talk. This was met by a let them talk/wasn't me who updated it/my doctor had recommended to get out and about.

If you do go, it could be a good opportunity to let them know how you think it was a good idea and it's really helping you clear your head.

Darlingsof · 11/12/2017 11:47

I would not go - people will wonder why you're 'well' enough to go to a party but not work. It's just the way the world works... no-one expects you to be home alone but going to a party, a work party, is a completely different matter...

loobyloo1234 · 11/12/2017 11:48

YABU

Its not about not understanding MH, but if you really had a breakdown one week ago OP, I doubt you would even want to be near a social gathering. Work do or not yes, I am talking from previous experience

Hope you feel better soon

WorraLiberty · 11/12/2017 11:50

I'm very isolated at home. I try and get out and about, go for a walk and things but ultimately I spend 9 hours of my day completely alone.

My hobbies involve scrap booking, walking and playing computer games. None of which involve socialising.

Are you doing anything to help yourself, OP?