My mum and periods

[Spoog1971xx]

AIBU? I'm filled with rage about my narcissistic mother and one of the things that has upset me recently is she thinks it was ok to not tell me about periods. I eventually told her and she didn't provide me with pads or £. I had to get old newspaper from school. We weren't short of cash. She says as usual I'm being petty and she didn't tell me because I was a ' cold child' I feel really angry about it. Did your mums prepare you and give you pads. Am I being ridiculous and petty

Of course not, you know this.

You're definitely not being ridiculous and petty at all. Yes mum was very open with me about it all.
I can't imagine how awful it must have been for you not to have your mum's support. I'm sorry but I really do not get the embarrassment of it all. Women have been having periods since the beginning of time.
People may pull a face now, but my dd knew about periods from when she was around 6 years old. She came into the bathroom and saw me changing my towel and saw the blood and naturally asked what it was. I just told her a lady is born with lots of eggs inside her and sometimes the eggs turn into babies, and if they don't this is your body's way of getting rid of them, and she was fine with that.
I've always answered her honestly.

That’s awful of her, OP. Of course it’s the job of parents to prepare their kids for puberty and support them through it. Even if you were ‘cold’ (which I doubt) it doesn’t justify her decision to not tell her daughter about such a large part of life.

Also to be perfectly honest, depriving you of pads and forcing you to use newspaper sounds neglectful to me.

Sounds like she knows she fucked up when you confronted her and rather than apologise she got defensive. It might be that talking about such things might be hard for her (maybe her Mum didn’t tell her either) but that doesn’t make it OK. She could’ve silently left a leaflet on your bed or something at the very least if she was embarrassed about discussing it.

My mum told me about periods and i filled in the gaps with sex Ed classes and teen mags, she also bought me a book about puberty which was nice.

I’m sorry you were left to work it out yourself

Oh, this is such a horrible thing to do to a daughter. I feel so sad for the young girl you were back then because it’s very abusive. My experience could not have been more different with my parents. I got my period really early. We did have sex education in school and theoretically, I was aware of menstruation but expected it to be years later. When I was not quite 11, I started bleeding all of a sudden and it seemed quite heavily. My mum was away for the week and after panicking and thinking I was seriously ill, I told my father. He gave me a hug and gently explained. He immediately rushed to a store to buy a selection of pads, plus chocolate and magazines. He made me a warm water bottle and I was allowed to watch stupid TV. I don’t think my mother could have done better. It just makes me very soppy to think that you had no support or even some basic hygiene products.

Yanbu That is bordering on abusive

Not eating,raging.

Mine didn't tell me. I was born in 1972....I knew about them though from friends. She used to buy me pads etc at first but stopped when I was about 14 and got a Saturday job.

It was just her generation I think. I am a bit about the fact that I had to buy almost all my own clothes from the moment I got a job though.

A lot of homeless people or women living in poverty use newspapers, hothead.
It's well documented, sadly.

OP I think this is abuse, your basic needs weren't met. It sounds miserable and I'm not surprised you're feeling anger about this, especially with your mum refusing to take any responsibility.

My mum didn't tell me about periods until it actually happened and I thought I was dying. I'm in my 40s now. Although she wasn't abusive, she just found the whole thing so excruciatingly embarrassing that she kept putting it off and then it was too late. It was just 'something that you don't talk about'. She was spectacularly bad at anything like that. Eg I have no idea what age I might expect to go through the menopause because she refuses to discuss anything like that. When I was pregnant she refused to discuss it, so I had no idea if she has a similar birth experience to me. I don't even know if she had natural deliveries or if she ever had a cs. And if I had waited for her to explain where babies come from, I'd still be waiting as that conversation never took place at all. However she was a great mum in a lot of other ways, so I can't let it bother me too much, although I've made sure that I was the polar opposite with my daughter, who has known where babies come from since she was 5.

When I've talked to other women my age, an awful lot of them weren't told about periods either, I don't actually think it's all that unusual. Although I do think it's crap.

Spoog love, were you born in 1971? Because if so, I imagine this is something you've felt angry about for many years, and rightly so, I think.

Christ - my mum died when I was 4 and my sister, who left home when I was 8, had me prepared years in advance for what would inevitably happen, with a drawerful of assorted products, for heaven's sake. You are RIGHT to feel that your mum let you down in this matter.

Thankyou for your messages. I'm in my 40s and maybe it wasn't talked about then. It was the fact she withheld protection. I used to go to the art rooms and take scrap newspaper, tissue and also those horrid old fashioned paper towels to dry your hands.and stuff that in a sock. This went on til I got a paper round and could buy my own. I mean she new it happened once a month! I'm going over a lot of stuff from my childhood to try and work out why she makes me want to heave so violently.😡

I'm in my 50s and my mother certainly made sure that I knew all about them and had supplies ready for a couple of years before it happened. She wanted to make sure that I didn't have the experience she did of not knowing what it was; she was born in 1920. My father was also happy to pick up pads etc when out so it wasn't a taboo subject. I hated the wretched belts with looped towels though and changed to stick on as soon as I learned about them.

Not her age but just generally abusive. I'm sorry that you had to go through this. ❤️

My mother didn’t mention a thing to me, I received the info in school when I was 11 along with a book, towel and belt.
My mother grew up in the era of rags that were washed and telephone books and newspaper used as toilet paper.
Your mothers neglect of your needs is cruel.

Hothead
I suspect op is raging about the whole fucking lot. I am the scapegoat daughter of a narcissist and I am raging on her behalf.

Spoog
If that’s your birth year, we are the same age. I don’t remember being told about periods by my mother. I think I learnt about them from school as I didn’t have them until i was 12, almost 13. I know she taught me a little about sex in a very clinical way. My golden child older brother cruel teased me about knowing about sex from a lesson at school . Of course she didn’t stop him from doing so. She did then finally tell me the basics of “love making” after begging and pleading and being beside myself upset. I think she enjoyed my being upset and used to goad me to cry by getting in my face and taunting, “cry, go on cry”. When I challenged her as an adult, that was perfectly ok to do as her sister had done it to her.

When I got my first period, she made a big thing of producing a looped belt for me and a doorstep looped pad. Ugh. Being a young skinny thing, I didn’t need anything like this. My friend took me to Superdrug together at the weekend and she showed me all the sanitary wear products and explained how it all worked. I bought some with my pocket money. My mother eventually bought me some stick on pads with much huffing and puffing.

The thing that was awful for me was that I wasn’t allowed to dispose of them in the sacred kitchen bin. I was snapped at if I put the wrong thing in the bin and therefore had ask for permission before being allowed to put anything in the bin. Instead she made me give her the pads so that she could burn them on the open fire in the sitting room. She wasn’t discreet about this so my father also saw her burning them. I was mortified.

Your mother is a real bitch. You are perfect and special just the way you are. If you were ever cold to her it’s because she taught you it wasn’t safe to show her love and affection. It sounds as if you are her scapegoat. She is projecting all of her unwanted feelings about herself onto you so that she doesn’t have to feel them herself. That way you are bad daughter and she can be good mother. Fucking cow.

I got handed one of those books when I was about 9. "What's happening to me", I think. The subject was never discussed again. When I got my period, I never told her and she never asked. I had to sneak into her bathroom to steal pads until I had the money to buy tampons.

My mum never explained it to me but i was taught at school. She then bought these namby pamby pad things that were useless and week so i just started nicking her always.

I wont make the same choice with my own daughters.

As much as my mom and I didn’t discuss; menses, making love/sex or childbirth it was because I didn’t ask her.
Pads were hidden in other bigger garbage bins. I didn’t allow my daughter to dispose of her supplies in the tiny bathroom bin. My reasoning was it was none of anyone else’s business. I didn’t want her brothers or father blaming her moodiness on her or my cycle.

Spoof you are right to be raging. I was born in 1961 and my mum told me about periods when I was about 9. Not in any detail but she did tell me. When I was 10 we had a lesson about them at school and only one girl out of 30 hadn’t been told by her mum. Anyone who says it was that generation is wrong. It’s plain neglect. As is not buying you pads.

*Spoog

This makes me sad OP.

Fair enough your mother didn’t want to talk about it in depth but she could have at least got you some sanitary supplies - she was surely buying them for herself? She could have given you some of hers, can’t believe you had to use random bits of newspaper/paper towels and buy your own at 14.

I think she’s petty. Sounds like a horrible mother. I would have probably distanced myself from her in adulthood

I was born in the 60s and it wasn't talked about much in those days - even though I had older sis, I still found out at school. I let DM know when I'd started and after that the pads just magically appeared in my drawer. I think there is a big difference between being a bit embarrassed to say something and actually wanting to hurt someone by saying nothing; and neglect to not provide an essential item. It's no wonder you're raging.

I am a decade older than you op. I didn't have 'pads' either. We had Washable pads. Your Mum would have had them, no need for her to 'Buy' you pads.

My mum explained nothing to me. I had no idea what was happening to me when I got my period. When I did tell her (after hiding it for a few months) she did give me pads but no explanation. It was traumatic. As soon as I could, I bought my own products, including tampons which she had never mentioned as an option.
It is what it is. We are not close but I'm not 'angry' at her. I vowed that my own relationship with my children would be completely different. And it is.