My mum and periods

[Spoog1971xx]

AIBU? I'm filled with rage about my narcissistic mother and one of the things that has upset me recently is she thinks it was ok to not tell me about periods. I eventually told her and she didn't provide me with pads or £. I had to get old newspaper from school. We weren't short of cash. She says as usual I'm being petty and she didn't tell me because I was a ' cold child' I feel really angry about it. Did your mums prepare you and give you pads. Am I being ridiculous and petty

My mum never spoke to me about periods and still hasn't and I'm 31!
However when I got my first one she just said there's some towels downstairs and that was the end of that. She would buy me some most months or I'd have access to money at least. Your mother sounds horrid

My mum reacted badly to my first period and never gave me supplies again after the first one. She was an older mum (second family for her) so she may not have been having her period anymore, in fact she most likely wasn’t.

I don’t think she was narcissistic and she certainly wasn’t mean to me. She was, however, deeply horrified by anything to do with sex and reproduction and so I guess just blanked it out.

I get you OP. My mum was not talking to me the month I got my periods so i managed with paper too. Made a bad mess and stained myself at school.

when she started talking to me again I asked for pads which I got grudgingly cause it was another expense. No explanation or anything but thank god for that.

I am sorry for you awful experience op, that is nothing short of abuse and neglect. I was brought up by a very old fashioned mum and she never did get around to having that conversatuon with me. She did however give me a book to read and had done the same with my older sister. Like another poster on here supplies mysteriously appeared in the underwear drawer for both my sisteŕ and I. My sister taught me to wrap used towels in newspaper and discretely put on the coal fire. This was usual disposal method. My mum bought me a make up purse to take 'things' to school, as she refferred to them. She was a bit Victorian and very strict but very kind and loving too.

I am shocked at the amount of abuse that mothers deal out! We hear a lot about male abuse on here but clearly there is just as widespread emotional abuse doled out by mothers. The effects of this could be far more damaging and longer lasting.

Spoog - my mother did the same. There was never any discussion of periods. I did know about it from the talks we had at school but when I started my periods and told her, she just said, Oh really. That was that. For life. She also refused to believe that I had really bad period pains because she didn´t and insulted me for having told her. I don´t have them any more but remeber them clearly. I wasn´t making it up. They were awful.

Neither did she provide any kind of sanitary protection. I too used toilet paper, and sometimes cotton wool wrapped up in toilet paper when I felt brave enough to steal some. It was horrendous. I felt (and was) dirty and ashamed all the time. I remember particularly one time walking up the stairs (thankfully alone) to my form room at school and realising I was dropping big globs of period blood on the stairs. It was first thing in the mornign and I had to get through the rest of the day. The stress was huge.

When I was 15 I was allowed to get a cleaning job and then I paid for my own. Relief!

I think it was horrible of her and totally neglectful. She died nearly ten years ago. I was recently talking to her sister about intimate family things and it came out that she was really angry with her mother because all her mother had said to her when she started her periods was, Oh, really? Unbelievable.

My own daughter is very much more well prepared for when it happens.

margaritas
It sounds as if your aunt is more mature and empathetic than your mother. Had you spoken to your mother, the justification for doing so would probably have been that her mother did this too - ie it happened to her so it is fine for it to happen to you, rather like my mother justified stuff to me.

Yes I think you are right. It would never have been possible for her to do anything else. Thanks.

I really wanted to post to let OP know that she is not the only one. I got a bit caught up in my own tale though. Sorry OP

I wasn't told and when I asked, very shyly, my DM snapped at me 'OH you don't need to know for ages!' so i knew not to ask again.

I swore that if I had a DD she would have access to a whole range of products. Every type and nothing cheap. It was a real issue for me because things were handled so badly when I was young.
Unfortunately my DD died before she started her periods. It must sound bizarre but its something that still really upsets me. I didn't have the opportunity to do the right thing by her.

I hope you can work this out OP. Work it out and let it go so it doesn't continue to take your energy and head space.

Margarita
Please read my message above about apologising. Your story is valid. I got wrapped up in my story too, which is fine. We are all here to support each other and it doesn’t matter that the thread was started by Spoog, as long as we are there supporting her too, there’s room enough . That’s what mumsnet is here for.

I don’t think she was narcissistic and she certainly wasn’t mean to me. She was, however, deeply horrified by anything to do with sex and reproduction and so I guess just blanked it out.

That's exactly how I'd describe my mum. She's actually very loving and generous and caring. But she has one huge blind spot. Although she did do the 'sanitary towels magically appearing' thing so she certainly wasn't neglectful.

For all her faults and I could go all day on them - my mum never once made me feel demeaned/silly/ignorant about periods, sex etc. We were all prepared for our periods, different towels, tampons were bought in, there were no surprises. My dad would go to the shop and buy sanitary towels for us, along with copious amounts of chocolate. She and her sisters were kept very much in the dark when they were growing up and she swore if she had daughters it wouldn’t be the same.
I have three daughters and my eldest started her periods a few months ago, she was prepared, knew what was happening and tbh there’s been absolutely no panic, embarrassment from any of us, it’s just part of life. I’m desperately clinging onto my early 40s.

I wasn't told (I was born in the 1960s). I started really early and each month my mother would give me a single huge looped towel, and that was that. I had to wrap toilet paper round it to make it more absorbent. I can remember how chafed and sore I was, for months at a time, because of having to only use one towel.

I wasn't allowed to bin it at the end of the month either. I had to give it to my mother. She'd keep it in a drawer until the end of her period, then burn all the used towels in the garden after dark.

She wouldn't talk to me about anything. No wonder I'm NC with her now.

TheFirstMrsDV - that doesn´t sound strange to me. It makes complete sense. I am sorry

This is so sad, my Mum was never told about periods, she thought she was dying. Her older sister explained it all and pointed out that her Mum had been buying pads and putting them on my Mums shelf in her bedroom. She never told my Mum what they were though, or why they were there. Mum was young for starting though, so whether she thought she had time yet, I'm not sure.

For those doubting the op, the saddest thing is that young girls in the UK are still stuffing their pants with toilet roll or anything they can find, just so they can go to school. Others are missing school because of periods! They can't afford pads and neither can their parents. It is heartbreaking.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/girls-skipping-school-periods-cant-afford-tampons-sanitary-pads-a7629766.html

OP I am so sorry that you were treated that way! Your Mother is cruel and blaming her inadequacies as a parent on you is just typical of a narcissist! Do you have to be in contact with her? My dh is nc with his narcissistic parents and he has truly grown and flourished in every way possible since he made that decision!

Mum never said anything. Luckily I didn't start my period until I was in high school and had the talk and received sanitary pack in first year. But I told my mum when I had my first period and asked her to buy me stuff which she did

I don't think it's a generational thing and I think it's pretty insulting to say it is.

It just sounds like, unfortunately, some people have shit mums and some people have good mums. Fuck all to do with age.

My son age 9 knows about periods from a biology point of view - my friends utterly horrified but I don't think it's somehing we shouldn't hide. It's a natural body function.

Tbh all my boys know about periods as I'm never alone in the bathroom as they burst in (bust lock more than once) and they thought I was dying .

I thought my mother was bad OP but what you’ve said is hellish.

Mine threw a packet of pads over the room at me and said don’t let your brother see those. That was it. My entire talk on periods and sex from my mother.

I was born in the same year as CheapSausage. My mum bought me a book about growing up and sex and just left me on my own to read it. Luckily I was a good enough reader to understand the periods bit, but as the book came from the Church bookshop, it left me convinced that you could only ever get pregnant after marriage. I genuinely thought someone flicked a switch or something as the book make is so clear that you had to be married first. Thanks Mum.

But she did keep me supplied with towels and expecting you as a child to sort yourself out with newspaper or socks is just awful. I'm not surprised this is upsetting for you.

I’m horrified by posters stories (especially the OPs). My mum told me when I was in primary school, but she’s a proper first wave feminist.

My mum didn't tell me about periods and when I did start she announced to my brothers and step dad that I had started. I was mortified.

I’m a similar age and wasn’t told by my mother. I found out from a schoolfriend at maybe 10 or 11 and then we had the talk at school at maybe 12? I started at 12 so this seems woefully late in the school’s part.

I was given money to buy pads myself (somehow they were not part of the grocery shop...did supermarkets not sell them then? I got them in the chemist), but from 13 I had to buy them myself with money I earned, as well as all my clothes, like a previous poster. My mother just never seemed interested.

I told my own daughter at 9, bought her a book on it, asked her if she had any questions. She doesn’t seem to want to discuss it though, and thinks it’s gross, growing boobs is gross, pubic hair is gross....I’m a bit wary of making sure I get the balance right ...don’t want to force the conversation but don’t want her ignorant either!

I am 43 and my mother did tell me about periods.We didn't have the talk at school until i was 14 which was way too late.
She bought me stuff initially but we have an awkward relationship. the "cold child" comment really resonated. I'm very stoical and private. My mother has always seemed to take offence that I did not "need" her in the same way my more sensitive sibling did.
She seemed to want me to beg her to buy my monthly supplies. At first I thought she had forgotten and I'd use wadded up toilet paper etc. I was too embarrassed to ask. Then i overheard her complaining to her friends that I never asked her to replace sanitary towels and that she had no idea what i was using. Just why would you do that?!? I was only 11.

Also agree with other posters that having had a poor experince with your own mum communicating badly makes you more determined to get it right with your own daughter. I started speaking to mine when she was about 10, she's now 12 and a bit and still hasn't started. She has a stash of towels in a drawer in her room for when she needs them - I had a hysterectomy so I don't have any she can borrow. I'm hoping I've done a fairly good job of preparing her.

I was born in 1969 and also had a mother who didn't discuss periods at all. I briefly mentioned it to her when I started and she bought me some pads but it was never discussed again.

I do remember feeling hugely embarassed when I left any blood on the bed sheets and I remember desperately trying to scrub the stains off in the bathroom and drying the sheet with my hairdryer so she wouldn't notice.

My own daughter and I have a completely different relationships and talk about issues openly.

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