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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum and periods

176 replies

Spoog1971xx · 10/12/2017 01:17

AIBU? I'm filled with rage about my narcissistic mother and one of the things that has upset me recently is she thinks it was ok to not tell me about periods. I eventually told her and she didn't provide me with pads or £. I had to get old newspaper from school. We weren't short of cash. She says as usual I'm being petty and she didn't tell me because I was a ' cold child' I feel really angry about it. Did your mums prepare you and give you pads. Am I being ridiculous and petty

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/12/2017 16:08

We will never be free of the stigma around periods if we don't normalise it for both girls and boys

We seem to be going backwards from some of the experiences here.

My peer group was born in 1958/1959 to parents who must have been born in the 1920s/1930s. Periods were normal. We talked about them. School gave us a talk about them well before we had started. I don't remember any one being bullied. The PE mistress used to be a teeny bit sceptical about the numbers who sat out swimming classes but she never did or said anything to challenge or check. Tampax was an option. And this was in rural Scotland, not some enlightened metropolitan haven. How sad.

JustDanceAddict · 11/12/2017 16:09

I was born early 70s, my mum had me later in life and she certainly told me about periods and had pads in (albeit ones I wouldn’t have chosen myself but once I started properly she bought the ones I requested).
I also had pads in for my DD ages before she started (I never use pads so I just bought what I thought was suitable for her).
I’m not surprised you’re angry, I would’ve been too. I don’t remember learning about it at school before I came on (at age 12). Even my dad, for all his faults, was very sympathetic to me about periods.

MsHarry · 11/12/2017 16:11

Oh and I'm 46, went to Catholic schools and it definitely was spoken about with friends because I know I was one of the last to start. Felt like I'd join the club at last! Th pads were awful then , no absorbent top layer so the blood just sat there and they got squashed in middle when you walked which rendered them useless! They are so much better now for my girls, thankfully!

Unicorn81 · 11/12/2017 16:20

No we got a talk and booklet at school. My mother has NPD (diagnosed by me) and she thought it was hillarious to tell everyone i had started my period, really pissed me off. I remember running out of pads and she gave me 2 thin pantyliners to use, had to walk round town knowing it wasnt enough until she decided it was time to buy some pads. Will never forget that fear of leaking and people knowing. I wish at the time i had the courage to tell my dad as he would have went nuts about her doing that to me

JustDanceAddict · 11/12/2017 16:42

ANd now I’m schools they have PHSE lessons and learn about periods in year 5 - so age 9-10. Possibly a little late for 1 or 2, but not for most.

Ishouldreallybeworkingg · 11/12/2017 16:55

Unfortunately my mum was the same as yours OP. It is not ok though.

Airbiscuits · 11/12/2017 19:34

So, my daughter has yet to start. I've not had more than 1 period in last 11 years (babies, mirena, breastfeeding....probably the menopause soon)

What do you buy for girls to have ready for them? Last pads I used were maternity ones and even tampax don't look like they did when I last bought some! Periods feel like another lifetime to me now.

Recommendations?

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 11/12/2017 20:05

DD hasn't started yet, but I'll get a couple of packs of teen ones. One for home and one for her school bag.

MsHarry · 11/12/2017 20:05

Airbiscuits I bought my DDs Always pads. I actually thought they were panty liners as they are so thin now. I've only used tampons for years so it was a revelation to me!

MsHarry · 11/12/2017 20:06

They both have light periods so haven't needed anything but the smallest ones, long may that continue.

MsHarry · 11/12/2017 20:10

BTW Older DD now wants to try tampons but as she has light flow, I went to find the smallest and couldn't find anything other than regular by Tampax. I wanted the cardboard applicator as I find that easier than those damn plastic compac things. Doe anyone know if they do them?

Rosieposy4 · 11/12/2017 20:55

This thread has made me cry, awakening similar memories.
I am in my 50s and while my mum did give each of us ( all girls) a family circle book she was appalling about buying us towels, like a pp i think she wanted us to beg for it.
A single 10 pack of towels would be provided every four or five months, she used tampons ( i did try stealing one from her hidden drawer but couldn't even fully insert it) and never ran out of them.
We were a comfortable middle class family, it certainly wasn't a lack of money but more some wierd control thing. I hated having to stuff my knickers with loo roll and wash them out in secret. The embarrassment of staying at my aunts and leaking onto her bed because I didn't have any pads.
She was emotionally abusive in other ways too, we were permanently worried about setting off one of her moods, though i think she perceives herself as an excellent mother. I cannot even be bothered to have it out with her because it would lead to so much shrieking and histrionics but have less and less contact with her.

bambambini · 11/12/2017 21:23

Nope, my mum told me nothing - only found out from school. It was never discussed.

Goodvibesonly · 11/12/2017 21:52

Urgh! Reading this thread has brought back memories of my own experience. My DM never once spoke to me about periods etc. I even missed "the talks" at school as I was ill on that day so I was completely clueless. DM never once brought me pads and until i was old enough to afford them, I just had to use tissue paper and socks. She obviously knew but simply chose to turn a blind eye to it.

I used to suffer from horrific cramps as well and we were never allowed in the medicine drawer. I used to have to beg her for paracetamol and she would only issue 1 tablet when she got round to it. I still remember the day that I thought I was going to pass out from the pain by the time she got round to giving me the painkiller. My hands were literally shaking and I accidentally spilt some water from my glass. DM gave me the biggest smack on my back. I'll never forget it.

Her and my dad were pretty useless with most things. Toothbrushes never got replaced, even when the bristles were completely worn, underwear not even bothered about, never allowed hair cuts etc. I am forever grateful that I now have full control of my life.

lizzieoak · 12/12/2017 05:27

Thanks so much for posting this op. I’d never really thought about it - I knew it wasn’t the way it should have been dealt with but put it to the back of my mind. Now I think it’s a very meaningful part of why I have such low expectations of what people will and should do for me (people who claim to love me I mean). I might have had more confidence and less fear if I’d had the basics covered.

silentpool · 12/12/2017 05:49

I didn't realise that there were so many of us who experienced this. It makes me feel better in a way but so sad for all of us :(

Andromeida29 · 12/12/2017 13:23

I grew up with similar circumstances. She became really resentful when I started my period and would refuse to hide sanitary towels from me and not give me money for them. If I didn't have money to buy my own through working I'd have to use toilet paper or get them free from school. Even now I have to almost force myself not to use toilet paper as I horde sanitary towels.

lizzieoak · 12/12/2017 15:08

Yes to that, silentpool. I always a bit freakish in having to handle my period with toilet paper and it’s onky now I realize “what else could I have done?” I started early, at 11, so wasn’t old enough for a job for years. And even then I’d been taught the whole thing was too embarrassing to speak of so it took me ages to summon up the courage to buy supplies.

Now in my 50’s I intend to ponder asking more of people. In the past when I’ve tried it hasn’t worked out, but maybe I just need to persevere.

monkeysee100 · 12/12/2017 17:13

No one ever talked to me either. My father had custody of my and my siblings. The mother once thrust a free sample of pads she had on a visit which made me burn with embrassment.

My Nan had a go- she asked me if I knew about periods. Again I was so embarrassed I made a sharp exit. I really really hope I can talk to my girls with less fear. I'm going to do best.

ThatWhiteElephant · 12/12/2017 17:33

I learned about periods from school/friends. My mum would sometimes buy them for me if I went shopping with her, but if she went alone she wouldn’t get them?!?!
My mum was a bit weird with me, actually still is.

Louiselouie0890 · 12/12/2017 17:43

When I started it was a little blood then nothing. When I told my mum she told me I was pregnant. (I was stupidly innocent then) I went days believing I was pregnant and my life was over. Would sob when no one was around. Eventually the joke was over and realised it was my period. She thought it was hilarious.
I'll never forgive her for it. Especially as she always told me she hates her mum for not telling her about periods as she thought she was dying.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2017 17:54

Spoog the thing that fucking makes me want to rake my nails down your bitch mother's face is that when this happened to you chances are that she was still having periods herself. And that means that she had sanpro for herself and denied it to you. Fuck her! Fuck her with the biggest, splinteriest fuck stick you can find!

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with her shit. Please cut her out of your life like a cancerous tumour. I'm not going to give you an unmumsnetty hug as I'm sure they're frowned upon, so take a gentle shoulder-bump instead.

misskelly · 12/12/2017 18:03

I had a similar experience and I am mid 40’s. My mum never spoke to me about periods except for once in front of my much hated abusive father, I think her plan was to humiliate me. She never bought me pads but as I had much younger baby siblings there was always lots of cotton wool I would wrap in toilet roll.

It’s pretty sad really but was part of a pattern of neglect, I was very late teens before I figured out how to take care of my self properly when it came to personal care. Any pocket money I got from my gran or Birthday money went on buying basic toiletries or clothes because I only had the bare minimum. Even though both my parents worked and the younger kids were spoiled. Obviously my mum has forgotten all this now and has created a different scenario in her head.

MsHarry · 12/12/2017 20:15

Some awful stories from some of you that would be classed as child abuse now in the form of neglect. Flowers

ConkerGame · 12/12/2017 20:38

So sorry for everyone who went through such horrible experiences Flowers. Here's hoping fewer and fewer girls have to go through this as information is so much more easily available now. I'm going to donate some towels and tampons to a bank this week, inspired by this thread.

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