My mum and periods

[Spoog1971xx]

AIBU? I'm filled with rage about my narcissistic mother and one of the things that has upset me recently is she thinks it was ok to not tell me about periods. I eventually told her and she didn't provide me with pads or £. I had to get old newspaper from school. We weren't short of cash. She says as usual I'm being petty and she didn't tell me because I was a ' cold child' I feel really angry about it. Did your mums prepare you and give you pads. Am I being ridiculous and petty

This is so weird, I am over 60 and I remember when I moved to secondary school in the Sixties, the parents of "Upper Third" girls were invited for a talk in the last term we were at primary school and basically told that if they hadn't already told us the "Facts of Life", now was the time to do it, and here's a handy Catholic Truth Society booklet to help you explain! So I don't think your mother's generation can have anything to do with it, OP - more likely her character, I'm afraid. I think you are perfectly entitled to be upset by her attitude, she sounds like an appalling mother to me. It occurs to me, I might be round about your mother's age, in fact, and I made sure to prepare my daughter as best I could for the changes in her body. Unfortunately, I didn't succeed that well, as although she had sanitary towels and disposal bags to take to school with her in case she started unexpectedly, when she did get her first period, which was painful and lasted 10 days, she thought it was all over with for the rest of her life
Also, it occurs to me, were there no "sex education" classes at school at the appropriate time, so even if mothers didn't pass on the appropriate information, at least the school did?

People who are abusive accuse the ones they are abusive to, of what they are guilty of themselves because they refuse to accept responsibility for their own behaviour. It's victim blaming.

Your mother called you a 'cold child'. You were a minor for whom she was responsible for, regardless of your personality. Your worth was conditional on 'loving her enough and to her standards'.

Who is cold?

Why are you letting her question yourself and your worth? Even now your worth is dependent on what she dictates. Is this how you want to value yourself? As second to her.

Why do you value a parent who has contempt for their own child?

I’m a similar age to the OP and my mum never breathed a word about periods. I found out about them from a book my older sister gave me. I didn’t tell anyone when I started, just made do with wadded toilet roll. I remember so often having to wash my knickers out as they were so stained with blood.
At my school, there was no school nurse and no supplies available. We were told about sex and periods but not until we were 14 or so and given I’d started by age 11 that wasn’t much help.
I do remember having towels and tampons some of the time but honestly can’t remember how. It was never discussed, I think they just appeared in the bathroom and when I got older I’d buy my own.
My DDs know all about periods already but this thread is a good reminder that I should talk to them again about what to do when they start. I’m menopausal so there aren’t really supplies lying around the house, I must get some.

My Dad, with my Mum by his side, told me. Mum was worried that I would end up thinking I was dying like she had. Yet she was nervous and had no idea how to approach the subject with me. Dad is very open and funny so 'the talk' was both embarrassing, bewildering and very, very funny! I remember asking Mum after, why on earth she hadn't just told me herself. Saying that my Mum didn't keep well and was often in the hospital, so having that openness with my Dad was very handy when I needed pads. He was happy to buy some in the shop if I needed, which caused some hilarious phone calls! He always bought me galaxy chocolate, feminax and warned my brothers 'to leave me alone' or ' be nice'.

I am 35 OP, so not much younger than you, that you went through what you did, your Mother should be totally ashamed!

My 8-year-old dd and 10-year-old ds both know about periods, from when they were tots and walked in on me changing my pad, I explained that there was a house inside my tummy, a house that was built every month just in case a baby was to come to stay and that when no baby was there, the house came away onto my pad, so that next month my body could build a new house. I used very simple language, but they understood and when I explained periods and sex around age 6 (again in age-appropriate language) it was no great leap, all just normal and no embarrassment whatsoever.

My dh and I have since taken over teaching dd (me) and ds (dh), as well as having an open chat altogether. I am not well, dh does all the shopping, so dd being happy to ask dh to buy her pads is important. I have bought a very pretty box and filled it with different types/ flows/brands of sanitary towels, as well as the tiniest tampons I have ever seen (dd is showing signs of starting puberty early)! Both ds and dd have several age-appropriate books on puberty, growing up etc. I intend to buy nice comfortable underwear, chocolate (thanks for the idea Dad) and a nice soft hot water bottle to add to the box.

I am a decade older than you op. I didn't have 'pads' either. We had Washable pads. Your Mum would have had them, no need for her to 'Buy' you pads

I was born in 1957 and I can assure you we had disposable pads. Looped at first but very soon after I started at 11 there were better things coming onto the market. My mother sat me down for the talk in good time, having been watching for the signs.

I don't doubt that some people have had a different experience but it's nothing to do with the generation. We also had talks on this stuff at school, my sister was born in 1960 and I remember my Mum going to the primary school to watch a film they were planning to show the top 2 years so that she'd be able to talk to her about it afterwards.

I was adopted and my mum was much older. My grandmother lived with us and she was positively Victorian and humourless. My dm acted like periods were the hugest secret and something to be deeply ashamed about. She would not even say the word sanitary towel referring to them as STs fgs. She also thought you caught STIs from toilet seats and I spent a lifetime hovering.

My colleague at work said her dm did not tell her but she started when she was nine, playing outside with her dolls, and ran in screaming. I think her mum still thought she had time to have the chat.

You need to move on with this, as horrible as it was. It sounds it is a long line in cold unfeeling behaviour by your dm.

Im 39. Prompted by a TV programme, my mum once said we should 'have a talk' but it never happened. She left it to school. But she did, as every parent should, provide pads.

Sex was never mentioned apart from aged 14, my Dad going absolutely fucking ballistic when he found an empty condom wrapper in my pocket (we had been horsing about blowing one up, as kids will) and 2 week silent treatment when DM found my pill hidden in my sock drawer at 16 which prompted her saying her & my dad waited til marriage blah blah... head in the sand.

They weren't abusive but it has left me with considerable guilt about sex and a rock solid determination that I will be open and honest with my boys. No frigging 'we bought you from the baby shop' bollocks. DS1 knows more at 3 than I did starting high school.

I'm so sorry you had to experience what you did OP and all the others with neglectful parents. Shameful behaviour by them.

My mum didn't tell me either (I'm almost 50) although I expect it was because she would have found it hugely embarrassing as nothing personal was ever mentioned. My Dad did the shopping though and was completely open and would ask all of us girls whether we needed anything each week so never didn't have sanitary protection. He bought mum's too as I'm sure she would have struggled such was her embarrassment.

I'm a similar age to you, OP, and your experience is horrible. I first learnt about periods from school (I was 11), but went home and told my mum about it. Good thing too, as she had to correct my mistaken impression that you had to visit the doctor each month to have the blood extracted by syringe 🙄. She was good at the practical stuff (pads, tampons, ruined pants, pain relief etc) but hopeless in other areas. She told me not to discuss it with my siblings so I spent years jumping through hoops to hide any sign of menstruation from anyone. It did make me feel as if it was a shameful secret but I think that wasn't uncommon. My friends at school would talk about periods amongst ourselves but most of us kept sanitary towels hidden for example. It has definitely made me do things differently with DD.

Mum never talked about periods but did throw a belt and pad at me. Traumatic trying to figure out how to wear it at nearly 10, while you’re bleeding heavily.

Op I could have written your post. I started at ten and had no protection whatever. I've always been heavy. Mum threatened to take my dirty knickers to school and show everyone, but I leaked as she wouldn't buy me protection!

Get this toxic woman out of your life.

Thankyou everyone. I think I know what I have to do. I really need to repair myself. I need to get her out of my life as she is pretty toxic.
I hope schools have sex ed a little earlier now. ( my son is only small but knows the basics) it's horrible to think kids are going through this through poverty too

She should have told you. I'm around the same age as you, and I know it was hard for women in our mothers' generation to talk about stuff like that, but they should have made the effort.

My mum did. It was obviously excruciatingly embarrassing for her, and the whole conversation was painfully awkward, but at least she bloody well tried. And she provided pads too.

I have always made a point of discussing periods really openly with my dd since toddlerhood, as I never wanted to have one of those conversations.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult time as a teenager, OP. Dealing with puberty is bad enough with a supportive mum. Really tough if you don't even have that.

OP that's why I'm surprised at the school. I went to a school in the poorest part of east London, 10+ years before you, and we had measures in place for both period explanation (because some parents didn't like to talk about it) and where to go if you didn't have supplies (either through poverty or accident).

I'm very slightly younger than the OP, and although I remember being given "the talk" at school, it wasn't until we were in secondary school, which would have been too late for some girls. Also, I don't ever recall being told where to get sanitary products if I needed them - it was just assumed that our parents would provide!

My mum was exactly the same. Bought san pros with my own money (from Saturday job) once I hit 16. Before that made do with wads of loo roll wrapped around the gusset of my knickers. Was very concious that I must smell. My daughter will not experience this and I've already started preparing her / feeding her information even though it's years off. Would hate her to feel unable to talk to me.

This is horrible. Periods should not be such a taboo for so many women. I feel so sorry for the OP and other women who has traumatic fist periods.

Although I don't remember my DM talking much to me about periods, I think she did, I have vague memories about her telling me about how she used washable pads when she started. I remember the talk in school and that was fine. I had my first period on summer camp, and my friend's older sister helped me out with pads, and it was fine. I told both my parents when I came home, and I remember them not really knowing what to say - the so desperately wanted to be liberated hippies, but they so weren't ;) My DM did buy me pads, but I soon started buying them myself as she always got the cheap and nasty ones ;) It never embarrassed me, I was quite proud to be a grown-up!

I regularly talk to my DS and DD about periods, prompted or unprompted, just so that they are not scared of it. I think they find it a bit annoying, but I think that's much better than being uninformed.

I am wondering if teenage period pains have any connection to how periods are perceived by the teen and parents? And how the home atmosphere generally is. I had dreadful period pains, and I do wonder if this was because my parents had a horrible divorce during my early teens that affected me a lot.

I was born in 1959. My mother told me well before it happened. We were also told at school at an age which I'm guessing was well before any of the girls in my class had started. I remember my first period- it was no big deal.

Your mother sounds awful.

I was born in 1957 and I can assure you we had disposable pads. Looped at first but very soon after I started at 11 there were better things coming onto the market

2 years younger than you. I don't recall anyone using or talking about washable pads. As you say you could get the ones with loops but my mother said they were to be avoided and she encouraged me to use Tampax slim size.

My mum left us when I was 9, so never got the "talk". My poor dad just didn't know what to do ( this was in the '70's), so he drafted in my adult cousin who went through it all with me and told dad what to buy, which he did. Like the pp, he also bought me magazines, pain relief and hot water bottles & commiserated with me about a women's lot. I miss him very much.

My mum didn't really care & would've begrudged buying me anything.

When my own daughter started, I stocked up and got her a little bag to hide them inside her backpack at school. Some mothers are absolute shit

My mum didn't tell me either.

I have sons, and I even told them, ffs.

It's an appalling abdication of responsibility, and there's no excuse for it.

The comment that you were a "cold child" is particularly nasty. Trying to excuse her own failings by blaming an innocent child.

My mother’s mother didn’t bother telling her about periods and so my mother thought she had cancer and was dying. That woman did a shit job of being a mother, sadly contraception was illegal when she was breeding her many, many offspring and the damage she caused has been passed on to me. It ends here, no one is getting my shitty genes and I’m trying to fix the damage caused to me.