My mum and periods

[Spoog1971xx]

AIBU? I'm filled with rage about my narcissistic mother and one of the things that has upset me recently is she thinks it was ok to not tell me about periods. I eventually told her and she didn't provide me with pads or £. I had to get old newspaper from school. We weren't short of cash. She says as usual I'm being petty and she didn't tell me because I was a ' cold child' I feel really angry about it. Did your mums prepare you and give you pads. Am I being ridiculous and petty

I'm 25 and my DSis is 21, DM didn't give either of us 'the talk' and DSis thought she was dying.

Even then, DM brought her to me to get me to tell her about what was going on.

That's really sad. I know how you feel. I often didn't have clean clothes or underwear and went to school without my hair or teeth brushed. My mum was a single parent and I'm sad to say I think she got away with it because she's evidently middle class. I think had she not been, social services might have become involved. It's so complex when it comes to these things because you're so torn between feeling rage and thinking there's no point vocalising your feelings. I think I deal with it by trying my best to be the parent she never will be. It's not easy and you have my heartfelt sympathy

I'm so sorry so many of you went through this - I cannot understand a mother wanting her daughter to suffer when it would be so easy to make it a relatively easy experience.

I don't remember my mum talking to me about it - but things were always very open so it wasn't memory-worthy if that makes sense!

There were tampons and a couple of different types of pads kept in both bathrooms along with bins - and I could ask mum for help when I had problems with leaking out the back of the pad - she told me to overlap 2 lengthwise, and then bought me night time ones when they came out.

Those of you who no longer have periods but have daughters - it would be worth having a selection of things and making sure your daughters know where they are - for them and their friends. And please put a bin in your bathroom. You may not be embarrassed and happy to put them in a kitchen bin or whatever, but your daughter may not be.

The Samaritans was founded by a vicar after holding the funeral of a 14 year old girl who killed herself after she started her periods, without having been told about them, and thus thought there was something terribly wrong with her.

That was more than 60 years ago. And there are still girls not getting the basics.

www.theguardian.com/society/2017/aug/09/scotland-stop-period-poverty-food-banks

Here we have proposals for free sanitary products in educational establishments, from schools to colleges, and a pilot scheme on how to reach poorer women.

My mother never told me a thing either, she bought me one pack of pads, threw them on my bed and just told me I'd need them one day soon

My gran used to buy them for me, I remember leaving a pack on my bed once, and my mother screamed hysterically that it was "a cardinal sin" to do that, and what if my dad had seen them

She always was emotionally abusive though

I always had clean clothes and plenty of them, but mum never brushed my hair, nor got me in the habit, and I recall going to visit my adult sister (I was 9, she was 19) and she brushed my hair and kept saying there was a huge “rat’s nest” of tangle at the base of my skull. She was quite disgusted by it. I had lovely hair, but mum just didn’t do anything body related I guess.

My mum never spoke to me about them either and never offered to buy me any pads or tampons either. She even went as far as shouting at me when she found out I had started and then again a couple of times if I ever had a leak. Or sucks and was wrong and isn’t something am responsible eating with my girls xx

That should have read “ it sucks and was wrong and isn’t something am repeating with my girls’!

My mum was a bit useless but not neglectful or cruel like some of yours.

She told me next to nothing - I got most of the information from a magazine when I was 13/14. Thankfully I was a late starter.

As a child I asked what a sanitary dispenser was and she made it out to be something not talked about - I asked in the ladies loos and then explained it as though it was something dirty. I didn’t realise hey were for periods at all. I though it was for something being wrong with you .

She showed me a book when I was about 12/13 that I didn’t reallt understand. A bit later I asked I I could look at it again and she said no because she’s given it back.

No attempt to help me with any questions I might have had.

She did provide me with towels etc though.

OP - your post about periods and sanitary protection and those of others has struck a chord with me tonight. I normally post under a different name, but as other children of Narcissistic mothers will attest, no matter how confident or successful you appear on the outside, the shame that goes hand in hand with having been raised as a child who is 'not likeable/cold' never leaves you. It is also quite taboo to admit to others that you actually don't like your mother. And frankly, why should any of us given the emotional burdens we have been left with.

I too had a mother who was emotional volatile, clearly favoured my younger sister and would not answer direct questions about periods aged 9. She told me they 'were a time in history! I remember thinking 'why is it that Sarah's mum at school thinks she is allowed to know, but I am not?' At that point, the minimal trust I ever had in her evaporated. She only told me when my younger sister was at the age that she needed to know. And of course we were told at the same time. I never had my own ST's, could only access them if she left her own in the bathroom and tampons apparently were 'the work of the devil' and 'I would die' if I used them. I couldn't understand why friends mum's thought they were a good idea. I had a similar experience with bras, never having my own - only hand me downs from cousins that were not big enough. I never got taken to be measured. Bizarrely later on, she would go to lingerie parties and buy me and my sister aged 13/14 highly inappropriate red and black camisoles/French knickers which stood out in the changing room at school. I too, used to use birthday money/lunch money to purchase tampons which I hid carefully in my room or I would have to use tissue paper stuffed with cotton wool. I was constantly certain I stunk during my period and did not know what to do about it. When I think about it, I want to run back to my lovely 14 year old self and hug her and tell one day this will pass, and tell her she is pretty and smart, and she will get through these times and one day, having been extremely successful she will be loved both by her husband and daughter. She will have friends and will genuinely be liked by others. My mother used to reinforce how pretty my sister was to everyone, and how much better she was at everything and how likeable and kind she was. Apparently I was 'selfish' and 'only thought of myself'. school was my refuge but I didn't feel good enough to have friends. Anyone who wanted my company was 'using me'. The state of our house meant I didn't want friends to see how we lived (it was dirty and unkempt) and my mother didn't work. She stayed at home and smoked all day and watched Tv. Mothers who kept a nice house were dismissed as 'houseproud obsessives'ironically my sister has the lack of friends and I have my close friends who are like my sisters. My mother constantly tries to befriend them even still so she can gossip about me and how terrible I am.

Like a previous poster, I also suffered from a mother who didn't encourage washing, brushing of teeth or hair and I didn't have clean underwear often or clothes. It was totally middle class neglect.

My own daughter has started her periods aged 11 and is totally cool. She has a variety of products in her room and she is so very loved. Unfortunately my experience of being a scape-goat sibling means I only wanted one child to love fully. Which I do. She is smart, funny and secure and is so lovely and kind my heart could burst with pride. I have found the stately homes thread very helpful and would encourage anyone with similar issues that they are trying to process to read them. Big hugs to you OP and others on here and know that your stories are believed.

I'd also add, I make it my business to donate sanitary products to food banks after the film 'I, Daniel blake' made an impact on me. I never want another woman to feel the level of shame I did about a normal bodily function.

I’m another 60’s baby who was told nothing. When I went to my DM after I started bleeding she just said “I’ve been expecting this” and nothing else. I assumed she knew I was suffering from a fatal medical condition and had been protecting me from the awful truth. I am not sure when I found out I wasn’t actually dying but think it was a good 3 months or so before I spotted a pattern. My DM still can’t even say the word “period”, and calls it “the curse”.

Sorry this happened to you, OP. Seems not unusual back in the day. But the justification that you were a “cold child” is ridiculous and hurtful. That’s the bit you should be cross about.

Not "back in the day" - I was born in the 80s.... a narcissist is a narcissist no matter what decade they were born in. Becoming a mother does not magically transform someone from being a narcissist....

for all those posters who suffered at the hands of emotionally abusive and neglectful mothers.

Belinda oh yes me too...! I want to hug my former 14 year old self. Tell her she is actually smart, pretty, talented and likeable, just as she is. And she deserves people in her life that will see her worth and love and support her unconditionally (still working on that part - unfortunately the scars run deep and I'm not great at personal relationships). I look back now though and realize why I was the scapegoat and my DSis the golden child - my DSis was very similar to my DM and the kind of daughter she wanted (extroverted, pretty, sporty, athletic, popular, academic).... I on the other hand was "weird" "selfish" and "too sensitive" (direct quotes), I was artistic, sensitive and introverted. Now I look back and see that she was actually threatened by me - I can see now that I was in fact very pretty (Bot a stealth boast - i genuinely thought I was ugly and had an eating disorder - she used to make me stand next to her in a full length mirror to "see if she was thinner than me" etc etc etc). I was also artistically gifted, emotionally sensitive, creative and thoughtful - all qualities that threatened her superficial view of the world so they had to be crushed out of me. Being sensitive was "weird" and "so awkward".

Privacy was a joke - no lock on the bathroom door (despite my tearful pleading for one) and she regularly barged in on me - which of course was not great as a self conscious teenager on ones period.

Oh I could go on and on..... sorry for rambling!

I hope you find some peace OP and a solution to the relationship with your mother that enables you to find that peace

*not a stealth boast

Abdofrigginlootly- for you. I also suffered the same 'let's measure your thighs against mine' and I also ended up with eating issues. Honestly why would you do this to a child? Turns out I also am quite attractive but the scars run deep enough for me to never quite believe it. I have held very close to my heart most of the things I have experienced and only shared some with my DH. Even now, most of it too shameful to revisit as he had a normal mother so I am careful to share only The sanitised anecdotes I guess. The real batshit stuff I feel too embarrassed to admit I endured. I too have had shit relationships accepting any morsel of affection that was thrown my way. With a normal secure upbringing most of these fellas would have been told to jog on. My DD knows she should value herself at all times.

This is so weird, I am over 60 and I remember when I moved to secondary school in the Sixties, the parents of "Upper Third" girls were invited for a talk in the last term we were at primary school and basically told that if they hadn't already told us the "Facts of Life", now was the time to do it

I am 62 and this would have been too late for me as I started my periods the week I was eleven. Fortunately my mother (yes all those years ago, so nothing to do with her generation) had already explained and bought me the towels with loops and those horrible sanitary belts. I don't think we had the stick-on ones until much later.

The school talk about them happened something like the current year 8, which even then I thought was far too late.

I'm late thirties and my mother told me nothing. I remember being about 9 and asking her and she snapped at me that I was 'too young to know about that'. So bloody stupid given that I had 2 cousins that started at 10 and 11. I was 13 when I started and knew what it was, but only thanks to magazines like Jackie and Just 17. What I didn't expect was the horrendous pain. I would vomit for the first day every single month and pass out more often than not. My mother told me that never happened to her and that it wasn't normal so I was convinced there was something else wrong. She bought pads but they were horrible cheap 'cardboard' ones that leaked and chafed.
I used to pass out a lot in school and the school secretary was really lovely and gave me proper always pads. We had a talk in school shortly after I started and we given tampons and when I took them home my mother took them off of me and told me I was never allowed to use them.
When I was about 15 I was at a friends house for the weekend and passed out during a really heavy period. My friend's mother was horrified and told me I had to go to the GP and get proper painkillers. My mother wouldn't take me though and screamed at me that there was no way I was going on the pill. Was not sexually active at 15, but she was convinced if i went on the pill for periods it would 'lead to having sex'.
Eventually my aunt got involved and I at least got proper painkillers. My mother wouldn't even use the word period and referred to it as 'your friend'
Roared and screamed at me one day when I left a pad (unused sealed in its wrapper) on the bathroom windowsill by mistake because 'what would have happened if your father or brother had seen that?', told me I was dirty etc.
She never told me a thing about sex either, left a book in my room one day but it was written by an ex nun and was all about how sex was wrong and dirty outside of marriage.
Thank God for teenage magazines because I would have known absolutely nothing otherwise.

Hildazelda - for you too. Similar experience here re pain. And yy to the wonderful people at J17 and Jackie. You kept me sane and informed!

This really isn't a generational thing. I'm in my late 50s, not my late 30s like Hilda. My recollection is periods and who had started and who hadn't was a topic of much excitement at school and openly talked about.

I remember who was first in my class and her telling us what it was like. I remember that girl's mother and my other best friend's mother being open about where they kept their supplies if needed . My mother did too.

Wow! Are you me? My mother was the same! I started getting mine very early (9) so quite logically, I thought I was dying. Had it explained to me as though I was an idiot, with a "Toughen up" kind of message. Of course there was no gentle introduction to periods - they were like tsunamis. My mother refused to buy sanitary towels suitable for the task, but bought one packet of pantyliners and rationed them out one per day. Fucking useless and humiliating. I had toilet paper in my undies as well, and spent all the money from my job (when I was 15) on tampons, etc. I had to sneak them into the house because "only sluts use tampons".

She was the same with my asthma medication. I had terrible asthma as a kid (lived in a house with five chain-smokers, too). She refused to let me take my puffer to school and told the teachers that I didn't get asthma, but was a hypochondriac who didn't want to do PE. Of course that went well, too.
Fucking narcissistic mothers!!! (Mine died last year and I'm exploding with resentment with nowhere to go - despite being very happily married to a superhero, with three gorgeous kids and a fluffy dog.)

My mum wasn't a helpful mum in lots of ways. She loved me and cared for me, but I really didn't ask her for much. She'd rather have died than have talked to me about sex and periods. I got all my information from magazines, friends and school.

For the first two months after starting my periods, sanitary pads appeared on my bed, but then stopped. I had a Saturday job, so I suppose she thought this was a reasonable expense for a 14 year old. I was really embarrassed at buying my own pads and tampons and used to hang about in the chemist until there was no one else around before I'd buy them. Once I was approached by the staff who thought I must be shoplifting, I was acting so shifty.

I'm really sad that I was left to figure this out by myself. I had really heavy periods and lived in fear of leaking at school. Having someone - my mum! - to talk to and get help for would have made such a difference.

absofriggin, privacy was non-existent at my DM's house too. We weren't allowed to shut the door, let alone lock it, while we were in the bath - this carried on well into our teens.

She'd walk into our rooms unannounced and had bizarre boundaries - tried to talk to me about whether I'd read 50 Shades of Grey despite the head-in-the-sand approach to us going through puberty + screaming at me when I told her at 17 that I wanted to go on the pill.

I thought I was being responsible - remember her screaming, 'well don't bloody go getting pregnant!' Err, no, that's exactly the point.

A friend's daughter is a fundraiser for The Red Box Project, which is community funded and aims to provide schools with sanitary products for pupils who don't have access to them:

www.dailyecho.co.uk/news/15667616.It_s_hard_to_believe_girls_in_Southampton_miss_school_because_they_can_t_afford_sanitary_towels/

I would say that is abusive. She didn’t provide you access to sanitation, even though she had the means.
My mum gave me a book and we had a talk at age 8 (Dsis started at 8 so she realised we were early bloomers and acted accordingly). She then provided pads until 15ish and then gave me money to buy what I wanted or bought if I asked her to. She still keeps them in the bathroom for me when I come ‘home’.
Your mother sounds awful, very very few children are ‘cold’.