Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My mum and periods

176 replies

Spoog1971xx · 10/12/2017 01:17

AIBU? I'm filled with rage about my narcissistic mother and one of the things that has upset me recently is she thinks it was ok to not tell me about periods. I eventually told her and she didn't provide me with pads or £. I had to get old newspaper from school. We weren't short of cash. She says as usual I'm being petty and she didn't tell me because I was a ' cold child' I feel really angry about it. Did your mums prepare you and give you pads. Am I being ridiculous and petty

OP posts:
Reppin · 10/12/2017 03:09

Educate your sons then Christmascardqueen, Don't shame your daughter.

Christmascardqueen · 10/12/2017 03:29

surprisingly they have all managed very well.

Reppin · 10/12/2017 03:32

Yeah, shame does that. People normalise these behaviours and feel guilt. You really want your daughter to feel this?

alimaggieleggie · 10/12/2017 03:36

My mum told me that when she started her period she thought she was dying as her mother didn't explain what would happen. I was fully prepared at least

lizzieoak · 10/12/2017 03:44

School told us when we were 10. When I had to tell my mum a couple of years later, she seemed quite traumatized & said I was too young. Bought me supplies that day, but never again afterwards. Ffs, what was she thinking about? Had to use scrunched up toilet paper until I was old enough to get a part time job.

Nik2015 · 10/12/2017 03:50

I'd be raging with her. That's disgraceful.
I'm a similar age to you and I wasn't told about periods and when I started thought I was dying. My mum gave me a book and I had to read about them, but at least (despite being poor) she provided sanitary products.

Brandbrandbrandy · 10/12/2017 03:51

Spoog.

Brandbrandbrandy · 10/12/2017 03:54

Sorry, accidentally pressed post.

Spoog, your experience is not normal so YANBU for being hurt.

Have you sought counselling for your relationship with your DM?

FreudianSlurp · 10/12/2017 04:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Absofrigginlootly · 10/12/2017 05:10

Oh FFS why are people being so unkind? Questioning the OP like she's making this up....! There are mothers in this world who have very little or no maternal instincts with their children and will be very emotionally abusive and neglectful - why is that so hard to accept.

And questioning why didn't the OP just ask this or do so and so?!

Because when you have been raised by a narcissist you are TRAINED from birth not to question, not to think for yourself, not to show initiative or take action for your own needs. You're trained not to think that you even have needs. So no, it wouldn't occur to an abused hold just to "ask" or to "get some from the school nurse" or whatever...!

OP have you ever looked at this website? I found it very useful Flowers

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

My own DM was always weird and awkward about these things. She claims she was always very open and honest because that is how she likes to think of herself. The reality is that she didn't tell me a thing and I remember learning about periods at Y6 sex education when I was 11. I remember feeling utterly horrified and terrified at prospect and thought "why has no one ever mentioned this before?!"

When I got my period I looked down and saw the blood in my underwear whilst on the toilet. My mum was in the room (no privacy) and I said something like "oh my god look!" because I was so shocked. My mum came over and looked. She sighed a huge sigh of disappointment and said "well, looks like you've got your period then" then walked out the room, leaving me feeling like I'd done something wrong.

She made a big song and dance about buying me pads and kept buying me different ones to the ones I'd asked for (I wrote it down for when she went shopping - I think she did it on purpose). Then used to make me bring my pads home from school so she could look at them before putting them in the bin.

I also suffered with horrendous pains and heavy periods back then and was practically incapacitated with pain. She told me "I hope you don't think you can miss school every month" and sent me in, despite the fact that my friends regularly had to drag me to the nurses office because I was passing out and I spent many a missed lesson lying in agony on the nurses bed.

Fun times Hmm

Oh and she also used to make me wait ages for pain relief or a hot water bottle. She'd leave me lying on my bed and say she would go and get me one. Half a hour later I'd drag myself downstairs to see where it was and she'd be cleaning the kitchen or something

Absofrigginlootly · 10/12/2017 05:11

*abused child

Not hold

Melony6 · 10/12/2017 05:14

I think it is sadistic - a bit of 'my periods were crap so I'm making sure you suffer too'.

Reppin · 10/12/2017 05:17

Who is being unkind Abso? I think everyone is supporting the OP and are shocked by this.

Absofrigginlootly · 10/12/2017 05:20

Tepoin several posters are saying they don't believe the OP or saying it's dubious

Absofrigginlootly · 10/12/2017 05:20

Reppin

Bloody autocorrect

gingergenius · 10/12/2017 05:26
Thanks
Reppin · 10/12/2017 05:30

I cannot see any posters saying they don't believe the OP Abso could you point them out?

Absofrigginlootly · 10/12/2017 05:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reppin · 10/12/2017 05:36

Yes, that first example is strange. However the others are just shocked by the scenario, the OP is only in her 40s. I think that people have been supportive on this thread.

Absofrigginlootly · 10/12/2017 05:39

Ok fair enough maybe I'm reading the wrong tone from the posts..... probably because this thread hits a nerve

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2017 05:44

Absofriggin

Exactly. I didn’t even know what my opinions were or what I was allowed to do until very recently and had some very good (ongoing) therapy. I’m mid 40’s same as op. I thought I had to have the same opinions as my mother, which caused a lot of angst as I didn’t.

I had the same issue with pain and getting very faint. My mother did buy me some pain relief in the end. But she bought the same tablets as she had when she was a kid 30 years prior and they didn’t touch the sides. She told me there wasn’t anything else to give me Hmm. She finally took me to the doctor when I was 15 to stop my wingeing. It didn’t occur to me to go on my own as I had no personal autonomy. These were “the solution” and I wasn’t allowed to say they weren’t ok.

After a year or so they gave me an upset stomach but I didn’t know what to do about the upset stomach or even realise it was the tablets (mefenamic acid). She told me it was just part of my period. So I just put up with it until I shit myself on holiday one night whilst queuing for the loos. At this point I went to the Gp, who advised me to take something else but I can’t remember what as I went on the pill soon after I went to university to cope with the pain.

All that trauma. From pain to publically burning my sanitary towels and humiliating me for using tampons. What for? To make herself feel good. [sngry]

Dillydallyontheway · 10/12/2017 05:44

Reppin - hothead implies that she doesn't believe the OP.

Sorry u went through this OP. My mum is an abusive narcissist and my experience is similar to yours. I used rolled up toilet paper though instead. I remember such a feeling of shame and feeling dirty from her attitude. One of many things she's done over the years and I am no longer in contact

Dillydallyontheway · 10/12/2017 05:46

Sorry, cross posted with Absolute and Mummy!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2017 05:50

Dilly
You have nothing to apologise for. You have been taught to apologise for your existence by the sound of it. Your comments and opinions are equally valid. You may not have been taught this. But they are.

Dillydallyontheway · 10/12/2017 06:00

Thanks Mummy, I do apologise a lot in life though much better than I used to be!