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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum and periods

176 replies

Spoog1971xx · 10/12/2017 01:17

AIBU? I'm filled with rage about my narcissistic mother and one of the things that has upset me recently is she thinks it was ok to not tell me about periods. I eventually told her and she didn't provide me with pads or £. I had to get old newspaper from school. We weren't short of cash. She says as usual I'm being petty and she didn't tell me because I was a ' cold child' I feel really angry about it. Did your mums prepare you and give you pads. Am I being ridiculous and petty

OP posts:
thegreylady · 10/12/2017 23:28

I was born in 1944. When I was 10 my mum and my auntie explained periods to me and gave me a little bag with a sanitary belt, two towels and some clean knickers. It looked like a small toilet bag. I actually started at home on my 12th birthday! Mum kept that little bag topped up for me my whole Schooldays and made sure there were always pads in my drawer.
Your mother’s behaviour was outrageous.

keeponworking · 10/12/2017 23:45

I'm 51. I remember looped pads that were worn with an elasticated 'belt' - anyone else remember that? She never discussed periods with me but thankfully school did.

Having my first period I had nothing to use so |I think I used toilet paper. Came home, told her whilst standing behind her. Not much was said.

Having subsequent periods was absolutely awful. To start out with they were really really heavy so much so that so much blood would come out it would pool on the top of the pad and kind of turn to jelly (Christ, sorry, totally TMI). I used to be quite frightened of it and terrified to stand up at the end of a class because I was convinced I'd leaked.

I was made to wear huge rectangular pads which I was terrified were visible to anyone who looked. I wasn't allowed to go near tampons and I got the strong impression this was because there was some sexual connotation to them - ie putting them inside you was a big no-no. Which is a shame as I'd have had a much more stress-free adolescence had she allowed it.

She was a real head in the sand mother, same with sex as well. She'd rather pretend I wasn't sexually active than have any kind of conversation with me until I went to the GP to be put on the pill as I intended to have sex with a boy - the GP told her and she confronted me - but then did absolutely nothing further about it!!!!!!

It's totally different with my DD. We can talk about periods, ovulation pain, sanitary products, sex, relationships, abusive relationships, personal safety - she's a lot bloody safer than I ever was that's for sure.

It's no excuse to say 'ooh I find it embarrassing' - woman up and talk to your kids from the early days about anything and everything in an age appropriate way. It's our job to prepare our children for the changes their bodies are going to go through and there's simply not an excuse. None.

keeponworking · 10/12/2017 23:48

And why are they called 'sanitary' products anyway - does that imply it's unclean to have periods in the first place? Sorry, nitpicking I know, but it implies that it's something deeply unsanitary that needs to be sanitised for it to be deemed 'ok'. Damn, it's the pedant in me coming out! My apologies!

Melony6 · 11/12/2017 06:22

Good point keeponworking we need to come up with a better name. Sanitary ware and sanitary wear are the same sound.

Melony6 · 11/12/2017 06:27

What about fertility friends Wink

Sullabylullaby · 11/12/2017 07:11

My dm told me that if I used tampons I wouldn't be a virgin anymore and nobody would want anything to do with me. Like a pp said 'they are what sluts use'. When I first got my period, it was that brown blood and I shyly told her that I thought I had started my period, she made me pull my pants down to show her (I was 15). She did buy me industrial strength (read that as old grannies) sanitary ware though - the big thick fat yokes that absorbed nothing. Born in the seventies.

treaclesoda · 11/12/2017 08:17

My recollection is periods and who had started and who hadn't was a topic of much excitement at school and openly talked about.

I'm in my early 40s and at my school it absolutely was not spoken of. There was no friendly chat amongst the girls about periods etc, although it was occasionally used as a bullying tactic (eg trying to point and laugh at someone when they were being forced to do PE in sports knickers and it was obvious that they had a sanitary towel in them).

I was brought up in a very religious background and the vast majority of the girls at my school were the same (N Ireland, where that's pretty standard in a lot of areas). We really were taught to be ashamed, periods were dirty and a sign of sin etc. They just were not spoken of. I have three sisters and have never so much as uttered the word period to any of them.

I am ensuring that my own daughter does not feel the same way.

cinnamonwoman · 11/12/2017 08:34

The Samaritans was set up by a vicar who attended the funeral of a young girl who committed suicide. She killed herself because she started her period and didn't know what it was.

It is horrific that any parent would not educated their daughter about periods.
I'm so sorry you experienced what you did as a young girl Thanks

cinnamonwoman · 11/12/2017 08:38

Also, your reference to being a 'cold child' is filling me with rage!! How can a child be cold? Maybe it's something to do with the parenting they've been subjected to?
My mother is a hateful woman and it's the type of crap she'd come out with.

ballroompink · 11/12/2017 08:58

I'm only in my 30s and my mum said nothing to me about periods until I started when I was 11. She wasn't horrible about it, I think she was just so squeamish and mortified by the idea of discussing it all with a child that she never did as she always said things like 'I'll tell you when you're a bit older' when I asked about stuff like sex (when I was 10 I was so desperate to finally find out what it was all about that I got a book out of the library about it, one of those children's books about puberty and reproduction. I think my mum was relieved she didn't have to talk to me about it!).

Once I started she did talk to me about it and buy me pads but she could be quite dismissive and sneery if I ever got moody or tearful or did something like forgot to put a pad in my school bag etc. I remember her classic retort if I ever was stroppy as a teen - 'Oh, I can see what time of the month it is again," rolling her eyes.

She was absolutely horrified and disgusted when I was 18 and dating my now husband and she found a condom in my bag. There was me trying to be responsible and 'prepared' (was still a virgin!) but she went mad.

TrinitySquirrel · 11/12/2017 09:00

Can posters really not see wank threads a mile off yet? Hmm

Sullabylullaby · 11/12/2017 09:21

If someone wanks off to this thread, good luck to them!

OnTheRise · 11/12/2017 09:59

Can posters really not see wank threads a mile off yet?

What I see in this thread is a lot of women who were treated very badly by their mothers and other significant adults.

If someone wants to wank off to stories of hardship and abuse that's up to them, but I'm both horrified and inspired by the stories here. We all deserved better.

TheFirstMrsDV · 11/12/2017 10:09

The OP has been posting for a while and consistently.
Yes there are lots of weirdos invading MN begging for stories about periods, leaking and teenage menstruation but there are still ordinary women who need to talk about stuff too.

Its not hard to AS someone before trying to be the first to spot a troll

InitialBreakoutHelp · 11/12/2017 10:09

TrinitySquirrel what a strange response to this thread Hmm

Agree with OnTheRise, we all deserved better and my one aim in life is to be a better mother to my own DC than the DM I had. Flowers to you all

FoofFighter · 11/12/2017 14:19

No she didn't.
I got my first period on Xmas eve when I was 13 and had to use rolled up pads of toilet roll.
I never really told her I got it as we didn't have that kind of relationship. As a result no sanitary wear.
We went on holiday once and I came on during the coach trip over. I was wearing white shorts and leaked and she pretended to not notice and I was mortified . So angry thinking about it now. What on Earth the other travellers must have thought Angry

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 11/12/2017 14:29

My mum told me about periods, I've told all my children, male and female, DD2 knows she'll get her periods when she's about 12 (she's just started developing breast buds).

dentydown · 11/12/2017 14:43

My mum told me about periods but was very strange about it. They were called watnots. Any period paraphernalia was to be hidden. I remember when envelopes with pull out sticky strips came out and I put one in the living room bin, she want mad and called me a dirty cow! She thought I had put a strip from a sanitary towel in the bin.
She also blamed everything on my periods. I went through a period of self harm and possibly some sort of breakdown. Apparently it was my period.
When I begged to doctor to go on the pill to calm my periods down, she cut me off and told him I wasn’t to go on any medication. (For my period I had to wear night time towels and I heard that the pill could control the flow, I literally begged him in about 30 seconds and got cut off by my mum saying I wasn’t to have it)

MadisonAvenue · 11/12/2017 15:04

I was born in 1969 and was never told anything by my mother. I don't even remember being told about them at school, I learnt from friends. When I started I told my mother who gave me a pack of pads, told me where to find more the following month and then quickly disappeared downstairs. Nothing was ever mentioned again.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 11/12/2017 15:46

This thread has made me really really fucking angry on behalf of you all.

And I implore, nay beg, everyone who reads this thread to talk about all bodily functions, esp periods, with age appropriate language, as soon as you can.

We will never be free of the stigma around periods if we don't normalise it for both girls and boys.

My DS knows about periods and has done since he was old enough.to see me on the loo and verbalise a question.

I shall be donating a fuck ton of stuff to the food bank tomorrow, inspired by this thread, and I ask everyone else to the same.

Flowers to everyone who has dealt with this.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 11/12/2017 15:48

Oh and YY to changing the name from "sanitary" products....
It really does imply there is something deeply "unsanitary" about a perfectly healthy, normal bodily function.

Absofrigginlootly · 11/12/2017 15:50

Yes there are lots of weirdos invading MN begging for stories about periods, leaking and teenage menstruation

Jesus Christ some people are in desperate need of mental health treatment!!!! ConfusedShock

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2017 15:58

Lana
I totally agree. My dd has always known about periods as she used to come to the loo with me until at least the age of 6. When she was little, she was adamant they’d never happen to her, so I was non committal about it - maybe, maybe not, we’ll see, nothing to think about now etc.

Dh’s company was collecting for the local food band and amongst the bags of food, I donated some packs of pads last week. It is thanks to reading previous threads on Mumsnet that I realised the need for them.

MsHarry · 11/12/2017 16:02

I'm in my 40s. We learnt about it at school, I can't remember my mum telling me about it but we were close and I told her straight away. She gave me a couple e of pads then bought some when she did the next food shop. I remember this because she passed them to me in front of my dad and I was mortified! YANBU.
My second DD has just started and told me right away. We talked, I got her pads and I asked her every day how it was etc Sorry you had to experience that.

MsHarry · 11/12/2017 16:07

Awwlook I did the same with my first DD because she just asked once aged 8 in a public toilet, what the machine was for. She was intelligent enough and always asking questions so I was honest. The funny thing was that when she got to 11 and had lessons about puberty at school, she came home and said , " I thought it happened just once not every month!" Poor thing, I really should have spoken about it more when she was older Blush