I have to throw my son out

[GuiltyandHeartbrokenmum]

My son is 22 and is on the Autistic spectrum (Aspergers).

He has become unbearable during the last six months. The things he has done to me and my house are too many to mention. The police have been involved on some occasions.

I've been trying to get him help but he refuses to engage with anyone and now that includes me.

His room is literally now a landfill site and he refuses to clean it up either by himself or with help from me.

I have given him a written list of the conditions he has to abide by in order to remain in the house, but he ignores them.

I can't take it anymore and have told him he needs to leave. My sister will let him stay on her sofa or he can take a train to his dad. He's on the council housing list with priority status so if I throw him out he'll be put up in a night hostel. However, he's fixated on finding private accommodation which he won't be able to afford or maintain.

I am at the end of my tether with him and now I've just walked past his bedroom and there are now small flies coming from his room which I think are fruit flies breeding in the spilt and trodden in food and drink. And to think that I spent good money decorating and carpeting his room just a few months ago when he was at his dad's.

I love my son, and want to help him but I can't help someone who won't accept help. I have contacted Adult Social Care, his doctor, Mental Heath Services, carers services and many, many other organisations over the months. But if he refuses to engage with them what can I do?

I think now that he has to leave for the sake off my sanity and health as well as his. I'm hoping that if he is thrown out that it will be a wake up call to him that he has to accept help, if not from me then from others. He won't go willingly so I will have to lock him out. I don't want to have to call the police to remove him.

I've been told that I would be doing the right thing for him and me, but the guilt is so huge. Please tell me you agree with them.

julie unless you have walked in op shoes and look after her son, you haven't got a clue. Nobody signs up to look after a disabled child, especally one who is violent and comromises op safety, and especially well into adulthood and beyond.

Have you got a SW, contact adult services and ask to be referred. Then look at supported living for him. It's good to to it now as if anything happens, you have nobody else willing to look after him, he will have to go into supported living. My dd 10, has ASD and learning and this is something we have to think about for her future, as we have no family near, I am an only child, my mum is 83, dh family live abroad.

Ah... 😳😳😳 I didn't send the OP a PM after all.... Turns out I sent my middle of the night ramblings to someone else! My apologies. I cannot find my message... and don’t want to write it all again.

Not sure if it would be right or work for you but you could set up a tiny home in your garden? That way he would be out of the house but still have a roof. If you have a garage or shed it could be converted in tiny house.

I don't really have any advice but I do feel awful for you. I can understand why you feel guilty, you're his mother. But if he won't help himself and you've done everything you can then you don't really have a choice but to kick him out. He will get housed quicker if you kick him out if that's any help? By the sounds of it, you're exhausted. I hope you all the best x

ss

I really feel for you. I have a 27 year old son who is on the spectrum somewhere but manages it quite well generally, apart from when he is under stress. He has been living at home for several years now, unemployed and increasingly mentally unwell. It has taken a massive toll on the whole family. He has recently got a job, but the anxiety and stress that is causing is likely to make or break him. He couldn't afford to move out, and no landlord these days will take anyone on benefits. He hates living with us and we are very worried about what will happen when we're no longer around. He is becoming increasingly paranoid and verbally aggressive. Mental health services and the GP are useless. He has been referred for CBT which took months to come through, but the therapist keeps cancelling sessions at short notice. Antidepressants don't work. It is a living hell for both him and us, with no end in sight. Due to cutbacks there is no support or help out there and the Crisis team are useless.

Those trolls who find amusement in goading people struggling in these sorts of situations should take a good hard look at themselves. I actually feel sorry for people who lack empathy to such an extent that that they find pleasure in hurting those dealing with such a nightmare

I too, like pp believe that SS, GP etc will not do much. In most areas/postcodes. There just isn't the support network there. There's not here.

Op please don't listen to people who say mental health services won't help.

It is out there please call.

Just get in touch, don't take people's word for it, you contact SS, and take him to the GP. Mabey like another poster has said, a youth supported living might be the making of him, like it was for her son. I am hoping my daughter will move into one, not because she is hard, she is not, and is a pleasure, but one day we won't be here and we need to see that she is supported on her own. It might actually make her more independent as she is relying less on me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

My DB has significant MH issues and learned incompetence, and my DM (now 78) has reached a stage now where she really can't deal with him. He gets so angry with her. He lives in sheltered housing, not with her but a mile away. She's been looking out for him his whole adult life and used to expect DH and me to look out for him if she was away. But we have young DDs and he creeps me out because of things that happened when we were growing up, but that's another story.

It's very difficult to get support for vulnerable adults but its actually more likely to happen if you throw your DS out. My DB hasn't had adequate help from SS or other agencies in the past because DM has always stepped in. So throwing him out might feel like it's cruel but it's probably the only way to get the support you need. Also, you can't carry on like you are.

How are you this evening, OP? Thought about you a lot today.

Hi everyone. I was extra low when I had my outpourings in the early hours. Your responses have helped to lift me up.

Part of me wants to give up and just wash my hands of my son. But then I feel that I have to keep trying.

He went out early Sunday morning and I put the key in the lock to stop him getting back in. Then guess what? Yes I changed my mind thinking it's Sunday and it's a very cold day so better to lock him out during the week instead and when it's not so cold. Stupid aren't I. I know I need to toughen up.

As others have said I don't want to act as a guarantor for a private rental. If someone accepts him I know he'll not only lose the tenancy and bond but that I will be billed for the inevitable repairs needed when he doesn't look after the property.

Some of the organisations i have been in touch with offer temporary supported housing. They help to ensure bills are paid, help with benefit claims and general support. One organisation said the can do 24 hour support or just a few hours a week.

Unfortunately my son feels he can do things on his own and doesn't want to be told where to live. So he won't engage with these people even when I've arranged appointments. Aaargh!!! See he is so deluded.

I've had a chat with his dad and he can't stay with him due to his dad's partner's objections.

The comments about whether he is develping schizophrenia is scary to think about but there may be something in it. I will talk to his GP about it. When he saw my son before he didn't mention it but then again he doesn't know about all of the strange things that my son has been doing.

As Dorothy says - tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I'll be tough enough to follow through this week. And if I do I hope my son will accept that I will still be there for him and I am willing to support and help him but it's just that we can't live together for now.

Thanks again for all your support, kind words and hugs.

his dad’s partner’s objections.

But it’s ok to put you at risk then. Provided they don’t have children, I think your ex could be more helpful. I’m struggling to reconcile with him putting his relationship before his child in crisis. Idk the solution but just saying no isn’t one.

You’re not stupid, you love your child. The conflicting feelings are natural.

It is very cold. Would he know how to seek help now if you did follow through?

Guilty it will be hard to get anyone to take notice about the possible schizophrenia, many professionals don’t believe someone can have ASD and schizophrenia, the traits for both are similar and they don’t like diagnosing both together. My ds was diagnosed with schizophrenia after a psychotic episode, we then tried to push for a diagnoses of ASD (as he had traits from early on as a small child) but the mental health team refused to diagnose or even look into it.

I work in mental health and I help a man who has Scizophinia, he does live in his own private rented flat, his mum is his guarentor and handles all of his money (pays his bills, does his food shopping and pays carers to come in each day), funding was given for 6 hours or care a day. At times he copes quite well, other times not so but the only other option would be sheltered housing and he refuses this as like your son he thinks he has the right to chose where he lives and he thinks he can cope himself.

I know it must be hard but at the moment I wouldn’t kick him out, do phone up social services and cry down the phone to them though, tell them you can’t cope and they need to help.

I too have been thinking of you.

I have found that there is little support. HCP told me that me (and Ds1 primarily) had been "failed by the system". Great.

All those claiming help is out there? Really?

However I would still make an appointment with GP. Do it today. Make a double appointment. Take a short list, of say, of 6 things you've mentioned here and say I need to tell you these things and I'd like all 4/5/6/etc recorded. Then just read them. If GP wants any more info they can ask. then it will be recorded on the system. and you will have covered yourself and no one can ever say that you didn't do your best for ds.

that's my advice to you.
hope that helps.

I do think supported housing is the best answer if he can be persuaded to listen. It's not a great solution for my DB, whose set-up is just like the man you're working with, lovemuch. My DM pays a cleaner, there were rats at one time because he really can't look after himself and he nearly got himself evicted. But it means that my DM isn't having to live with it.

I actually wondered if you were talking about my DB, but he doesn't get carers going in (if only!).

I agree that you should book two slots with the GP, and then make sure that you tell them everything, write a list beforehand so you're not thinking afterwards 'if only I'd said such and such'. The only way to get help might sadly be for the GP to decide that he's a danger to himself and others and section him. They must see how desperate you are, otherwise You won't get any help.

I'm so sorry, care in the community is just non existent. for you.

Hi OP, I’ve read most of the thread with interest. My parents have been in a very similar situation with my DB. Lizzie summed up my DB very well actually with this description My DB has significant MH issues and learned incompetence

I can’t go into too much detail as it’s potentially very outing but finally he was asked to leave and on the whole it’s been the best for everyone. He seems to have a real problem with my parents now, very resentful (when he wants to be. Some days it was all his idea and others he’s been treated cruelly ) but the fact of the matter is it was the only option and it had to be done. He’ll either realise in time he has a better independent life now or he won’t, I guess that’s up to him but his behaviour needed to stop being enabled and he had to be given the chance to change things for himself as a young adult.

to you my love. It’s a hard road but you’ll travel it and you’ll fair it well.

I agree with last poster. The quality in my ds, (diagnosed AS, but disputed by school), who is only a young teenager, that makes me the saddest is that he is totally self-centred and takes zero responsibility for any of his actions: thus he is uncaring, bitter and resentful.

So sad to see. Ds2 is just beautifully naieve and jolly and jumps out of bed with the joys of spring.

TRIGGER WARNING

Yes your DB sounds very similar to mine, Pinkyblunder. Sadly, my DB is 50 now, so there isn't going to be a good solution. My DM is 78, there's no way she can continue to be responsible for him. She's arranged for someone else to take care of his finances but I'm sceptical that that's going to resolve things. He panics when he can't get hold of DM and phones us. I can't cope with that because of what happened in our childhood (my DSis and I went through childhood SA at the hands of our father, who is thankfully dead).

I'm protecting myself and my DDs now and am virtually NC with my DB. My He shouts at them, bumps into them and blames them, and is generally not nice. He's not nice to anyone, especially my DM, who he blames for everything.

My DM travels to Africa regularly for a charity project, when she's away he calls a lot. Thankfully, my DH deals with him, so I don't have to. But on one occasion when he rang, one of my DDs answered, which did freak me out.

It's so hard. On the one hand, I know it's not my problem, but I've no idea what will happen once DM has passed away or is no longer competent. I do feel so awful, my DM always asked me to help look out for him and I feel like I've let him down.

I can't really offer solutions, OP, but I definitely understand why you feel that you can't cope with your DS. There really should be a better way of helping vulnerable adults.

Hi OP, just wanted to know I'm thinking of you. It must be so hard. I can only echo the other posters in saying you are a wonderful mum who is doing the best she can and I hope you find a resolution.

Like some of the other poster I also have a DB who has Asperger's, and has created huge problems for himself due to his self-centered attitude. When he was younger my mum did everything she could to make sure he had the same opportunities as other children and he thrived at the local school. Then he was old enough 'to make his own decisions' so walked out and expected other members of the family to pander to him.
Thankfully as far as I know (haven't seen him in 25+ years) he is not violent, but the toll it has taken on the family, and in particular my aging parents is so sad.

I hope you haven't been posting because things are quieter .

One thing that jumped out at me was you said he now takes his anger out on stuff rather than you since the police have been involved, that makes it sound more deliberate IYKWIM. And it might be a way to use it a stick/ carrot thing to force him to engage with services if he ultimately doesn't want to end up on the streets/ in prison.

Have you contacted SW Vulnerable Adults? Initially, I was thinking for him (even though he won't engage), but I'm beginning to wonder if it might be worth contacting them for you? I know you're a perfectly capable adult, but you are in vulnerable position vis a vis your son's violence. I've no idea if they can help you directly and perhaps find him somewhere under the guise of safeguarding you?

op you have my huge sympathies - I started reading this last week - I had to back away - feels like this maybe where I am going if I cannot get help - I'm trying to protect my Ds - imhanging on by a thread - I don't know what to do for the best - I'm going to read to the end of this now - I hope you have found a resolution - if only in your own mind x

Not quite the same because my son has severe learning disabilities as well. But my son is sectioned, over 370 miles from home, costing the CCG a fortune (so they are keen to get him out) and housing/accommodation is a nightmare and very likely to delay discharge. He’ll have higher housing needs than your son because he needs 2:1 support but he doesn’t need adaptations beyond double glazing and waterproof bathroom floor and to be somewhere he won’t annoy the neighbours too much (some noise, although prob less than a houseful of students). Until we were in this situation I had no idea housing was such a major issue - we have commissioners working on it (they really do want him out) and there seems to be no easy, quick solution.

Can you explain to him that if he doesn’t engage with the services you have arranged to support him he risks being sectioned and some Psychiatric hospitals really are not that nice? Is he known to SS?

And you know even in nice hospitals sectioning isn’t that fun.

You could talk to the safeguarding team in your LA and raise a concern about self neglect (that’s a listed reason to safeguard). They may have some advice anyway.