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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have to throw my son out

197 replies

GuiltyandHeartbrokenmum · 09/12/2017 23:12

My son is 22 and is on the Autistic spectrum (Aspergers).

He has become unbearable during the last six months. The things he has done to me and my house are too many to mention. The police have been involved on some occasions.

I've been trying to get him help but he refuses to engage with anyone and now that includes me.

His room is literally now a landfill site and he refuses to clean it up either by himself or with help from me.

I have given him a written list of the conditions he has to abide by in order to remain in the house, but he ignores them.

I can't take it anymore and have told him he needs to leave. My sister will let him stay on her sofa or he can take a train to his dad. He's on the council housing list with priority status so if I throw him out he'll be put up in a night hostel. However, he's fixated on finding private accommodation which he won't be able to afford or maintain.

I am at the end of my tether with him and now I've just walked past his bedroom and there are now small flies coming from his room which I think are fruit flies breeding in the spilt and trodden in food and drink. And to think that I spent good money decorating and carpeting his room just a few months ago when he was at his dad's.

I love my son, and want to help him but I can't help someone who won't accept help. I have contacted Adult Social Care, his doctor, Mental Heath Services, carers services and many, many other organisations over the months. But if he refuses to engage with them what can I do?

I think now that he has to leave for the sake off my sanity and health as well as his. I'm hoping that if he is thrown out that it will be a wake up call to him that he has to accept help, if not from me then from others. He won't go willingly so I will have to lock him out. I don't want to have to call the police to remove him.

I've been told that I would be doing the right thing for him and me, but the guilt is so huge. Please tell me you agree with them.

OP posts:
WishingOnABar · 09/12/2017 23:39

Op this is a terrible situation for you, with his condition you will always feel responsible for his well being yet to get the support he needs you have to essentially abandon him, its very sad that Adult Social Care requires this of families before it can provide support.
The only suggestion I have is maybe if you can afford to find a suitable private accomodation and get him in with first months rent and deposit them his LEA will be able to take over with housing benefit, assuming he is on a low income or income support and PIP?

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2017 23:40

What an awful situation. Can you tell him to go for a few days to start with to give you both space to think more clearly? If you’re sure he’s got options for somewhere to stay (and he knows and understands that too) it would be good for both of you to take a break.

andylovesme · 09/12/2017 23:46

Really sorry to hear what you go through. My sympathies for you. Does he have a job or a part-time job? Is he earning?

You mentioned that he wanted to move into a private accommodation. If he is confident about it why don't you let him do it? If I were you I would ask him to stay outside the city as where I am. Because when the children are far away from home, eventhough they make mistakes, they will eventually grow and learn. I suggest you push him to get a job and move out to another city. Atleast a part-time odd jobs would help.

stayathomegardener · 09/12/2017 23:46

You know what Julie I get it, the original poster should have pushed her son earlier into independence.
Except the parents I know that did that have ended up with kids with mental health conditions.
You know what this poster is doing Julie? She is walking the fucking line.
And I salute her.
Answers tho...not so good on that one.

expatinscotland · 09/12/2017 23:48

'Won't any of the services step in and try to engage him directly if they know that he's at immediate risk f homelessness? They must appreciate that forcing you into this position where you have to do something sudden and traumatic is not ideal (understatement) for an aspie?'

Hahaha! 8 years of Tory government. Services? NFW in most councils. It's like all those people who say, 'Do you have a care package in place?' What are those? They don't exist anymore in a lot of areas. This woman is at the end of her tether and being assaulted in her own home.

CheshireChat · 09/12/2017 23:49

Stupid question perhaps, but has something happened that's escalated the behaviour?

Not that I'm suggesting you're in any way to blame, just that it might help.

He has some options so he'll need to accept some compromises and there's nothing stopping you from helping him further down the line when it's a more realistic possibility.

expatinscotland · 09/12/2017 23:50

If your sister is willing to take him on her sofa for a few days then next time he leaves you change the locks and tell him, I've changed the locks, you are to go to X's, you come over here and cause trouble and it'll be the police for you. And then do it.

Booboobooboo84 · 09/12/2017 23:52

Oh op what a desperate situation. I would look to getting him into the hostel. They may be able to find him supported accommodation. Julie I would love to know what the op chose 22 years ago

like7 · 09/12/2017 23:55

I really feel for you OP. I think you're doing the right thing to try to bring about change to the current situation. You cannot carry on long term like this as you are becoming ill with it and will then be of no help to anybody. Also he needs to become more independent and it seems that you are not the one to currently help him with that as he wont listen to you. He needs more expert help away from your home with you nearby to give as much love and assistance as you are able to. I will watch this thread with interest as I see myself in a similar position soon with one with Aspergers too. It's really tough.

Julie8008 · 10/12/2017 00:02

Its just hard to raise a child who is on the AS and not take responsibility for what is inevitability going to happen to them when they become an adult. Its a lifetime challenge and no one else can do it for you. Often in the 'cuteness' of youth that is missed by parents.

gamerchick · 10/12/2017 00:04

Oh dry up julie

OP I’ve learned that with adult services sometimes it takes a ‘pull up the drawbridge’ approach before help is offered. It’s reluctant but once the onus is on them and the responsibility for what happens next they usually get their arses into gear.

Bloody AWFUL thing to have to do and you NEED nerves of steel to go through with it. If the resource was there in the first place then it would t be as hard.

elephantoverthehill · 10/12/2017 00:05

Julie Confused but thanks for trying to explain it.

Julie8008 · 10/12/2017 00:07

Sorry if my explanation has missed the target

expatinscotland · 10/12/2017 00:08

'Its a lifetime challenge and no one else can do it for you. '

Problem with that line of thinking is that the parents usually die before the kids.

StealthPolarBear · 10/12/2017 00:11

But what is the choice julie

hesterton · 10/12/2017 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 10/12/2017 00:12

Maybe Julie’s offering to take him in? Yanno so she can do a ‘better’ job of it Confused

CheshireChat · 10/12/2017 00:14

But the OP really might not be up to the challenge which might involve a violent younger, stronger male. I appreciate I may be well off the mark, but it's not always possible to watch them for life. Also what happens when you die?!

I also disagree (as an outsider) that you abandon your child by getting them into assisted living facilities or similar. You can still 100% be a supportive parent and simply offer a different type of help, but also have some backup.

Battleax · 10/12/2017 00:15

Often in the 'cuteness' of youth that is missed by parents.

Right. Because there's nothing about the behaviour, routines & sensitivities of an autistic toddler that makes you lie awake at night wondering a) if you have the strength for tomorrow and b) how the hell they'll ever have any quality of adult life, is there? Confused

like7 · 10/12/2017 00:15

Julie .. I don't agree that we should take on responsibility for our ASD kids as a lifetime challenge.

For a start parents will be around 20 - 45 years older than their DC, so what happens when their lifetime ends? In my view it is better to gradually prepare our dc for life when we won't be around, so it's not a huge shock for them when we suddenly disappear.

Booboobooboo84 · 10/12/2017 00:16

Quite happy to be corrected if I’m wrong but I don’t think autism is diagnosed at birth. So no the op hasn’t made a choice 22 years ago. Children are a lifetime love but they aren’t a lifetime commitment. There’s comes a point where parents absolutely have the right to live independently that’s why support and care systems are in place.

elephantoverthehill · 10/12/2017 00:16

Whilst I am concerned about the 'Op's choice' and the mutterings of Julie. I think this thread is about supporting Guiltyand. I am sorry if I derailed.

WishingOnABar · 10/12/2017 00:16

Julie8008 today my usually loving and affectionate 8yr old autistic child told me he wished he could strangle me because I would not buy him a happy meal. Right now he’s half my size and no physical threat, but in 8 more years he could he a serious risk to me. I am a lone parent with no involvement by his biological father.

These displays of anger almost always come out of the blue and he is without fail incredibly sorry about them after. He seems to have no control over what causes these outbursts but they are generally linked to me refusing to give in to something he has decided he must have.

I would genuinely like to know what you think I can do now to prevent this becoming a real issue for me when he is of op’s sons age, given the incredibly minimal amount of support offered by adult social care and the councils at present? I assure you I am not blinded by cuteness here, I am simply subject to the nature of his neurological disorder, as is he.

perfectstorm · 10/12/2017 00:16

You're a mum you're not a miracle worker.

This.

I don't have any answers. I just wanted to say that you are heard and I am so sorry. My brother was horrendous at this age too - is okay now, at pushing 50. My own son is 8 so who knows what the future may hold. But you do have a right to look after yourself, too.

Julie take a seat, please. One without access to electronic devices.

theworldgonemad · 10/12/2017 00:17

OP I would suggest moving this post to relationships or chat. Unfortunately AIBU brings out the trolls, which thankfully on this occasion other posters are dealing with .

But I don't think you need that on top of what must such a hard place to be in. You've done your best and now the services are recommending for all your benefits that he moves out. It's not throwing him out, it sounds as if it is what is best for him and for you.