I have to throw my son out

[GuiltyandHeartbrokenmum]

My son is 22 and is on the Autistic spectrum (Aspergers).

He has become unbearable during the last six months. The things he has done to me and my house are too many to mention. The police have been involved on some occasions.

I've been trying to get him help but he refuses to engage with anyone and now that includes me.

His room is literally now a landfill site and he refuses to clean it up either by himself or with help from me.

I have given him a written list of the conditions he has to abide by in order to remain in the house, but he ignores them.

I can't take it anymore and have told him he needs to leave. My sister will let him stay on her sofa or he can take a train to his dad. He's on the council housing list with priority status so if I throw him out he'll be put up in a night hostel. However, he's fixated on finding private accommodation which he won't be able to afford or maintain.

I am at the end of my tether with him and now I've just walked past his bedroom and there are now small flies coming from his room which I think are fruit flies breeding in the spilt and trodden in food and drink. And to think that I spent good money decorating and carpeting his room just a few months ago when he was at his dad's.

I love my son, and want to help him but I can't help someone who won't accept help. I have contacted Adult Social Care, his doctor, Mental Heath Services, carers services and many, many other organisations over the months. But if he refuses to engage with them what can I do?

I think now that he has to leave for the sake off my sanity and health as well as his. I'm hoping that if he is thrown out that it will be a wake up call to him that he has to accept help, if not from me then from others. He won't go willingly so I will have to lock him out. I don't want to have to call the police to remove him.

I've been told that I would be doing the right thing for him and me, but the guilt is so huge. Please tell me you agree with them.

You sound amazing but everyone has a point it becomes too much.

He needs to move out, you need to change the locks. Please look after yourself . Being independent may help him

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You need your son to be independent for his longer term existence. He’s a threat to you and keeping him in the home is putting you at serious risk. If he hurts you, you could be hospitalised or worse and then you wouldn’t be around to help him transition to assisted living or wherever he ends up. So not only is kicking him out self preservation, you are also protecting your ds.

OP, you've mentioned that he's become paranoid and is doing odd things as a result - do you feel that his paranoia may be the start of schizophrenia? It may be time to get someone to assess him from that POV

You're doing the right thing though. If he seriously harms you, there is no way you can be a support to him.

Oh, love you need to do it. For your sanity. For both of you. What would happen if you break?
It's not cruel, it's the best thing for him, with mh issues etc people need to reach rock bottom.
He'll realise that one day, you won't lose him.
Tell him he needs to pack a bag and goes to the council to present as homeless by x date or you will change the locks. Any more violence and you will call the police. And do it.
Services tend to go 'oh ok, mum's dealing with it' and not be interested, as others have said. He will get placed in a hostel by the council and funny how that speeds up a permanent place.
If he creates a problem in the hostel, acting erratically, being violent or antisocial, keeping his room in such a state there are flies, the staff can and will act. Police can force entry and he can be sectioned (or of course arrested) whether he talks to them or not.
He might get a wake up call and start engaging.
He will get the help he needs.

You are doing the right thing. I have a teenager with asd and I had to make similar very tough decisions earlier this year to protect myself and my other children. Domestic abuse perpetrated by your own child is heartbreaking. If your husband was being violent people would urge you to leave / throw him out for your own health and safety. A violent adult son should be no different.
Hugs and from me as I really do understand your dilemma.
Fwiw - I still support my son now he no longer lives here but I don't live in fear so our relationship is better.

Oh my word OP I have not the remotest idea of what you must be going through right now, I can only say I really hope that a resolution can be found that works for you and your DS, and quickly.

@Julie8008 Sooo, you're basically saying that as the OP didn't choose to terminate then she should put up or shut up? There's a word for people like you love: sociopath. I expect you can get help for it on NHS, probably more help than OP will get. So wind yer neck in you odious woman!

He doesn't sound a happy man.
If you look at it from that angle it is prob best you force the council to come up with stuff by making him move out and providing suitable accommodation for him.

Your post has worried me, not in a melodramatic way, but do you think kicking him out might inflame the situation? As in if he is showing violence for relatively minor things do you think he would hurt you over this. I know it's a horrible thing to contemplate but make sure you are safe. Do you have anyone else living with you?

If I was in your shoes I may be more likely to leave myself to get myself out of the situation and come up with a plan at a safe distance. Can you stay with your sister?

I am so sorry for you OP. We went through he'll with our son (who is NT) but luckily he came out of it.

Your ds sounds very unhappy but that doesn't mean you should have to put up with his behaviour. You sound as if you are at breaking point and I'm not surprised. Please ignore people like Julie. As you'll see from.the other responses on here, people are supportive and not judgemental of you.

You are not your ds's only parent. He has a father who does not have to live with this. You mentioned that one option was for your ds to stay with his dad. Maybe that would be a good idea for a bit?

Also, do you have other children? When our ds1 was at his worst it badly affected ds2 and we were very close to insisting ds1 left in order to protect ds2. If you do have other children living with you then thy also need a break.

At thd ems of the day you do need to insist your son leaves. I'm so so sorry that you're in this position. Good luck.

OP, I get it. You have to do what you have to do.

Unfortunately, private rental doesn’t sound like a real option. In most cases, you would have to sign as guarantor and be liable for damages to the property and unpaid rent- both of which are very likely.

It won’t be easy, and you may need to involve the police again. But you have given him rules, he has broken them and the natural consequence is that he has to leave. If you do anything else, you are actually sending him a message that his behaviour is ok.

You are doing the right thing, OP. So sorry it has come to this.

What is it with people who look at someone in deep distress who then decide to add to it? Inhuman. Maybe MH issues of their own, I suppose. It certainly isn't normal or rational behaviour.

OP, you are doing absolutely the right thing.

Because he is vulnerable, he will get help from the council. Hopefully, his stay in hostel accommodation will only be brief.

I think for both your sakes he needs to leave. You can’t continue to live in fear and, despite his difficulties, he needs to realise that he needs help (although I know that’s much easier said than done). As others have said, if you take away his support then external agencies have to become involved, at the moment they’re relying on you to do their job.
With regards to a private let I think he’d really struggle to get a place. As a landlord we credit check potential tenants and for those with little credit rating we’d ask for a guarantor. I wouldn’t put yourself in that position as given what you’ve said about how he treats his room he’s not going to treat a house of his own well and you’d lose your deposit.
Sending hugs your way

Just want to say I really feel for you OP. I hope you do get him to leave your house (maybe to his dad’s until he gets a social housing place?) and get some time back for yourself. This is domestic abuse and you are at mental and physical risk. Care for yourself for a while, you’ve done enough - more than an awful lot of people would have.

Op I hope you can find a way for him to move out, you sound like a fantastic mother who has his best interests at heart.

Take care

You know what this poster is doing Julie? She is walking the fucking line.

That with bells on.

OP, I don’t have child with ASD but I have been rising one in a very hostile environment. I have tried everything to ensure things are ok for him despite a situation, which as you did, I think I managed to do very well, but at some points I have been under police protection (not from my son) and have symptoms of PTSD.

A couple of years ago, I saw someone about to jump from a bridge. There are three things that affected me hugely:

1. what misery had the man had in his life to bring him to this point?
2. that nobody gave a shit, the place was full of people and I was the only one to stop to try and help
3. it certainly made me think how long it would be for me to be in the same position.

In my case, this incident has been the catalyst for change, which has resulted in months of counselling, and the courage to cut through all the mess, remove things that are NOT important but are causing me grief (like guilt I should not feel, or pressure to act as a “normal” person when my situation is far from normal).

Don’t beat yourself about it, you need time to step back, take stock to prepare yourself to continue fighting because I’m sure you will, you love your son and nothing you do will change that. You just need a rest.

Get him out if you can, cure yourself so you can find it possible to support him again. This is the time to throw the towel. As people say, you can make a stone bleed when you stop doing the work yourself.

You poor love, I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.
You are 100% doing the right thing.
Him staying, will solve nothing.
He has two options of where to go, until the council house him.
Let him go now, rather than prolonging it.
Don't give him money to rent privately, not a good idea. He may start bullying you for more.
You can do this, he may accept help in the end.
Sending you love and strength, as you have found out, someone here, will always be around. 💐🌸

Hi OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. If his dad is of the view you might be better off apart, and there is a plan for your son to stay with him, is it possible for you and his dad to do a house swap for a while? This could give you a break and his dad could step up a bit more. It is a more immediate solution that doesn’t require cooperation on your son’s part.

Julie, get in touch with the council tommorrow and tell them you are kicking him out. Give him a letter to present to the homeless section, so they will be no doubt that hes homeless.
Tell him to go and if he refuses then call the Police saying you are scared for your saftey. They will make him go.
You shouldnt have to live like this and he will be put up in some sort of temp accomodation. Dont get dragged down any further, he has to get that there are consequences for his actions.I'm sorry you have to go through this but get him out.

Hi,

I know exactly what you are going through emotionally. My 18 year old son (AS and mental health difficulties) had to move to residential accommodation about six months ago. I would have given the world to have continued to have cared for him, but I could not give him the level of support he needed.

He had an assessment by Adult Social care and he now lives in a small residential home a short bus ride from my house.

I believe, under the Care Act 2014, people who care for individuals with disabilities are also entitled to an assessment of needs. This could be useful to ensure that you, and other members of your family are receiving some sort of support. You might even find it useful to have a chat with your son when he is feeling calmer. Perhaps draw a flow chart with a list of actions and options e.g.

• Option 1 - stay with aunt

• option 2- ask Adult Social Care to help apply for supported accommodation

• Option 3- stay at home, but (a) tidy up bedroom (b)...

I would stay away from emergency hostel type accommodation. Your son is very vulnerable and needs protection. Although your post is called 'I Have To Throw My Son Out', the problem is we cannot. If they have not got the self care skills to live at home, they certainly don't have the skills to live on the street or to survive in environments where understanding human behaviour is essential to survival.

I apologise for the lecture.

Absolutely not an easy decision to make. It's hard to give advice in a way as no two people with ASD are the same. My younger brother has aspergers and is now married in his mid twenties. My mum didn't want him to move out. He also never cleaned his room (or the toilet in his en suite, ick) but would let my mum do it once a month and he wasn't even happy about that. He has significant mental health problems, as does his wife. It became apparent when they temporarily split that he can't live alone. Neither cleaned their flat and it was filthy - mouse droppings, dead mice in cupboards, neither could cook. They are in private rented accommodation as they both work, albeit on minimum wage. He's made several suicide attempts this year, but his aspergers means he doesn't have the wherewithal to access help off his own back. My mum still has to help him.

I guess what I'm saying is do what you have to do for your safety and sanity, but please don't stop helping him altogether. You may find your relationship improves when you both have some space from each other.

We had this problem with my step son several years ago, he has ASD traits and mental health issues (now diagnosed with bi polar and schizophrenia), in order to get him housed he had to be made homeless, he spent several nights on the streets and in hostels (it was hard as we had to refuse him a bed), eventually he was housed in a flat but it soon became clear that he could not cope on his own and one day he went out and left something on in the flat and caused a fire, the council then wouldn’t re house him, his mental health got worse and he was sectioned , he’s now back living with his mum and she’s getting no help to find him acomadation so she’s now his carer.

I also have 2 dd’s With ASD and in the coming years I will be in the same position. It’s really hard to find suported living and funding for it.

I can only echo what most others have said; you clearly love your son but have reached the point where you cannot cope. And the lack of any support just makes it worse . I think there is also the issue that ASD are not curable; bi-polar , schizophrenia can largely be managed with meds ( I am aware that sometimes not well ,but still) but there is no 'magic bullet' for ASD. I expect you have looked at the autism UK website? Perhaps you could phone them tomorrow to see if they can make any suggestions or put you in touch with other professionals ? Sorry I cannot help further but I agree you really have done as much as you can for the sake of your own health. My son has ASD by the way so i do have some understanding and I used to work as a homeless officer , it is really an awful situation to be in.

Give him a week and stick to it. As in you have 7 days to clean this and buck your ideas up or leave. His behaviour is disrespectful to you and your home. Make clear that he is welcome to stay and loved but only if he is prepared to play by the rules