I have to throw my son out

[GuiltyandHeartbrokenmum]

My son is 22 and is on the Autistic spectrum (Aspergers).

He has become unbearable during the last six months. The things he has done to me and my house are too many to mention. The police have been involved on some occasions.

I've been trying to get him help but he refuses to engage with anyone and now that includes me.

His room is literally now a landfill site and he refuses to clean it up either by himself or with help from me.

I have given him a written list of the conditions he has to abide by in order to remain in the house, but he ignores them.

I can't take it anymore and have told him he needs to leave. My sister will let him stay on her sofa or he can take a train to his dad. He's on the council housing list with priority status so if I throw him out he'll be put up in a night hostel. However, he's fixated on finding private accommodation which he won't be able to afford or maintain.

I am at the end of my tether with him and now I've just walked past his bedroom and there are now small flies coming from his room which I think are fruit flies breeding in the spilt and trodden in food and drink. And to think that I spent good money decorating and carpeting his room just a few months ago when he was at his dad's.

I love my son, and want to help him but I can't help someone who won't accept help. I have contacted Adult Social Care, his doctor, Mental Heath Services, carers services and many, many other organisations over the months. But if he refuses to engage with them what can I do?

I think now that he has to leave for the sake off my sanity and health as well as his. I'm hoping that if he is thrown out that it will be a wake up call to him that he has to accept help, if not from me then from others. He won't go willingly so I will have to lock him out. I don't want to have to call the police to remove him.

I've been told that I would be doing the right thing for him and me, but the guilt is so huge. Please tell me you agree with them.

Hahaha! 8 years of Tory government. Services? NFW in most councils. It's like all those people who say, 'Do you have a care package in place?' What are those? They don't exist anymore in a lot of areas. This woman is at the end of her tether and being assaulted in her own home.

Yes I know and (speaking as the DM of young adults with that diagnosis) sometimes end-of-your-tether "emotional blackmail" of service providers is the only thing that gets you anywhere. It's amazing that sometimes the stone DOES finally bleed when they think you might actually go under.

So, what's your advice, if any Julie?

Julie, I really don't get your thoughts on this. We have two children 13 ad 15 with ADHD, ASD and sensory problems. We didn't 'ask' for this.
I also didn't ask for the lung disease, heart problems and arthritis I now have!
I have been diagnosed with secondary trauma and stress through coping with our two very volatile children. I fear we will be in the same situation as the op. Our DS 15 has smashed up his room more than once, including T.V.s and holes in the walls and doors. and smashed up his phone again last week.
It's not funny living in this environment and I really feel for the op and think she is in need of our support and acknowledgement that she is doing the right thing. Hugs from me, you must not feel guilty, you have done the very best you possibly done.

Could the focus be back on the OP please? She is going through enough of a tough time (did you appreciate the assonance)

Thank you everyone.

@Julie8008 When I had my beautiful baby boy never did I think think that one day I would be pinned to the floor or dragged across the floor by him. Neither did I think he would throw a chair at the wall right next to where I was sitting, so hard that the chair broke and left marks in the plaster. To be so afraid of that child that I went to the police, only after sitting in my car for half an hour wondering whether I should do so or not.

The last time the police came round they said there were safeguarding issues for me. They contacted Adult Social Care as well, who in turn contacted the GP who came to the house. He made a referral to Mental Heath services who made an appointment to come round. But guess what? My son wouldn't speak to them.

I have asked my son many times to tell me what is wrong but he won't or can't tell me. I have asked him if he hates me as that's what it feels like. Now I I have to admit that I simultaneously love him and hate him. I am shocked to say that. Especially that things were so different not so long ago.

My son wants to leave but only on his terms and when he chooses. I tried to get him to sign up for council housing but he wouldn't. I had someone come to the house from an organisation that provides help with finding housing and other support such as applying for benefits and has a befriending service. He wouldn't accept their help.

Then a couple of weeks ago he presented himself as homeless to the council. They asked me if I would have him back if they could do a managed housing placement which could take up to a year. Stupidly I said yes hoping that he would change.

Son says that it will take too long for a council place and that I have to lend him the deposit and first month's rent for a private rental! I've said I will help him to furnish his own place but I'm not giving him money for a place he can't afford.

So at the moment I'm living on eggshells and anxious in my own home. So I've decided I can't go on like that so he has to go.

Op you are a very brave lady and have my total admiration, I think perhaps if he is determined to get into a private let this is the path you will need to go down and he may well be happier with his own space. Also once he is in the property he can get help with rent based on his income, the initial outlay is really the issue if you cannot manage it.

I only have experience of my much younger ds, however I know mine is very much reward led, is there any kind of reward or goal he can be persuaded to work for such as a trip, an object etc he really wants and can be used as motivation to get him to keep the room clean and behave calmly?

Guiltyand I think you are very brave and making a good decision for both of your sakes.

You're protecting him as well by protecting yourself, don't forget that .

OP, I agree with the majority on here that you have done your absolute best for your son.

I also agree that he should be made to leave.
I think you realise that you could be seriously injured or even killed.
This is all too much.
If you make him leave them he will have to accept the help of Social Services and other agencies trying to help him.
Look after yiurself.
You deserve a life as well you know!

If you were to go in person to the council and tell them "I can't cope anymore and he's got to leave tonight" would they put him in temporary accommodation immediately? Most likely a hostel but then when somewhere does come up a flat. You obviously have a lot of evidence of the difficulties that have gone on at home and he would be classed as vulverable I think? Then the council would have a duty to house straight away.

Can you tell him to go to the council and present himself as homeless again OP? And this time if they ask you to have him back obviously say no you won't.

*vulnerable (!)

Please, please act now and get your son out of your home. My brother is in his mid forties, has undiagnosed mental health issues and lives with my parents. He refuses to seek any help, has no job and verbally and financially abuses my parents daily. Difficulties started in his early teens and have escalated over the years. He makes their lives a living he'll. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it is to make changes. No-one has the right to treat you like this -not your son or anyone else.

You are absolutely absolutely doing the right thing.

He is hurting you and if things do not change he could be charged and end up in jail and/or with a criminal record.

You can still love and care for him if you are living in different places and it's very clear that you do love him and want nothing but the best for him

I wish you all the best

I'm sorry I have nothing useful to add but I just want to say that I am thinking of you x

*You’re protecting him as well by protecting yourself, don’t forget that
*
^ this.
I had tears in my eyes reading your second post OP, I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you. Sending

It's always said first save yourself so that you can be a support to others .If you are getting insane living with him you will not be of any use to him in near future .its a very hard decision to take but you have already done everything that you can do .

Yes, hard though it is, it is the right choice.

He is violent, and it seems his response to reality’s lack of conformity to his wishes is anger and more violence.

I think you need to push him for your own safety.

You poor thing, much sympathy x

Julie is an utter bitch on many threads.

I hope she and all her many socks are banned (indeed a few of them have in the last few weeks).

You can still love him and refuse to house him any longer. Everyone else in the household matters, too. People who work with those in need of care get pay and time off. Family members expected to just get on with it get neither, and this is not fair.
I heard whinyarsery years ago when my mum arranged a care home for my gran.Mum was not physically capable of lifting Gran back into bed if she fell, and wasn't in the peak of health herself - caring for physically/mentally ill family members is not something anyone (women - it's nearly always women expected to do this) should have to do at the expense of their own physical or mental health.

Guilty, please ignore the Julies of this world. I don't actually believe for one minute that any parent of any autistic child would show so little solidarity and empathy. I'm calling troll.

My HFA son is only 7 (and entirely calmly told my DP last week that he planned to kill me, DP and ExH, in that order, so he could go and live with DSis and DBIL), so I have yet to go through the things you talk about in your second post, but I have absolutely no doubt at all in my mind that they are coming.

I agree with PPs that you can only do your best for your DS if you are able to maintain your own physical integrity, so you must do what's best for YOU in this situation - which means getting him out from under your roof.

Good luck, my love xxx

Oh Darlin. My Heart goes out to you. You know you have to kick him out. For his own sake. He has to learn and grow. And he isnt in a good place in his head right now.
He feels entitled. And I don't really feel this entitlement is part of his Asperger's.
I feel he's is manipulating the events to imply get his own way.

It is a very strong and wise decision to change a situation that you cannot tolerate any more, against all your hopes and wishes and all your hard work raising your son in the past.

He is obviously distressed and unable to change the situation himself. You are the one who has to call time on this dynamic, because it will drive you into the ground, either through mental pressure or physical injury - and you need to do it now before you reach breaking point so you remain able to walk alongside your son and offer him your love until the time when he can accept your aid as well.

22 is still a developing age for many men. Your son's current behaviour may be a result of a turbulent stage in his process of reaching maturity, or maybe he's simply stuck in a horrible state of mind that is causing him to lash out as a way to release the torment. Either way, some time and a new situation might help alleviate the pressure he's feeling.

I will be thinking of you both.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for the kind words and support. They are very much appreciated and I'm sitting here feeling slightly less guilty.

He was confronting me again just now for daring to look in his direction so that's why there's a delay in responding.

That's another part of the problem in that my son has become very, very paranoid. He walks around with dark glasses on a lot of the time (he even had them on when speaking to the doctor). He also uses bike locks to fashion up a contraction to lock his bedroom door. Though I had to buy a bolt cutter for him when he locked himself out, which he's done quite a few times.

He interrogates me if I am not going to work. One day it was so bad I actually went to work when I had intended to work from home in between two appointments I had.

Another thing is that he wants the curtains closed all the time as well. In fact I gave up on that battle months sgo.

I was going to help him rent privately but then he wasn't interested in looking for places. Now he wants to I'm worried that being fussy, young, unemployed, and on benefits his options are limited and private renting is insecure s well as expensive. Being under 35 he will only get housing benefit at the shared accomodation rate. He won't be able to do a house/flat share because of his Aspergers and OCD. So I don't want him to lose the opportunity to get social housing. Someone from a young persons organisation did say that sometimes you can rent privately short term and not lose your priority status so I will look into that.

I know that Julie8008 did not mean to seem harsh. Until I found myself living through this, I would have said that you can't throw him out as he has Aspergers and he is your child no matter what.

But there is only so much fight in me. Because of the stress and guilt my physical and mental health is affected.

When the aggression first started I would worry about how far he would go. But after being arrested he now takes most of it out on things such as the chair incident, kicking over tables or for some reason throwing envelopes at me!

For the last month or so though, every morning I wake up, every night when I go to bed, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I am wishing that I was dead.

I eventually told someone from a carers group who told me to see my doctor immediately. I have done and I feel a bit better about letting that feeling out instead of bottling it up.

The support on here has helped a lot but that feeling of where did I go wrong for my relationship with my son to be in tatters never ends.

Like my sister, his dad and others have said, maybe our relationship will be better apart. But at the moment I dread that if he leaves or I throw him out, I will never see him again as that does happen. So I feel at the same time that I can't live with him but I would also be lost without my only child in my life.

I know that most people will have gone to bed, but thanks again for all your kindness and words of wisdom.

I really feel for you so much, your pain is so clear. I don't think you have done anything wrong. Sometimes with all the love and support in the world from a parent, relationships and lives are just under too much pressure from mental health and other issues. The love and care you have for him will be there in the future though and times may well improve hugely.

Everyone has a breaking point, and you need to look after yourself. I don't see that you have a choice at this point, you have to save yourself for your own sake and for your son's. I am sure you have done all that you can and more. Even if you could stand it any longer, it sounds like a dramatic change is needed to get through to your son. Is his dad able to offer support?