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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have to throw my son out

197 replies

GuiltyandHeartbrokenmum · 09/12/2017 23:12

My son is 22 and is on the Autistic spectrum (Aspergers).

He has become unbearable during the last six months. The things he has done to me and my house are too many to mention. The police have been involved on some occasions.

I've been trying to get him help but he refuses to engage with anyone and now that includes me.

His room is literally now a landfill site and he refuses to clean it up either by himself or with help from me.

I have given him a written list of the conditions he has to abide by in order to remain in the house, but he ignores them.

I can't take it anymore and have told him he needs to leave. My sister will let him stay on her sofa or he can take a train to his dad. He's on the council housing list with priority status so if I throw him out he'll be put up in a night hostel. However, he's fixated on finding private accommodation which he won't be able to afford or maintain.

I am at the end of my tether with him and now I've just walked past his bedroom and there are now small flies coming from his room which I think are fruit flies breeding in the spilt and trodden in food and drink. And to think that I spent good money decorating and carpeting his room just a few months ago when he was at his dad's.

I love my son, and want to help him but I can't help someone who won't accept help. I have contacted Adult Social Care, his doctor, Mental Heath Services, carers services and many, many other organisations over the months. But if he refuses to engage with them what can I do?

I think now that he has to leave for the sake off my sanity and health as well as his. I'm hoping that if he is thrown out that it will be a wake up call to him that he has to accept help, if not from me then from others. He won't go willingly so I will have to lock him out. I don't want to have to call the police to remove him.

I've been told that I would be doing the right thing for him and me, but the guilt is so huge. Please tell me you agree with them.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/12/2017 09:17

P, you've mentioned that he's become paranoid and is doing odd things as a result - do you feel that his paranoia may be the start of schizophrenia? It may be time to get someone to assess him from that POV

I thought the same when I read that post. It sounds as if there might be something else going on mental health wise that needs looking at.

Kr1st1na · 10/12/2017 09:36

Julie, get in touch with the council tommorrow and tell them you are kicking him out. Give him a letter to present to the homeless section, so they will be no doubt that hes homeless
Tell him to go and if he refuses then call the Police saying you are scared for your saftey. They will make him go
You shouldnt have to live like this and he will be put up in some sort of temp accomodation

This. In the city where I live , which is very good on homelessness, he would be put in a hostel as an emergency and then into a temporary furnished flat.

You say he he made a homelessness application already ? What is the status of that ?

Do you have a law centre or Shelter where you can go for free legal advice ? Go there tomorrow with a copy of all his paperwork .

Kr1st1na · 10/12/2017 09:39

Re mental health - the Op has already said that her son refuses to engage with services . Mental Health services came to the house and her son wouldn’t talk to them.

wannabestressfree · 10/12/2017 09:41

I have two sons with mental health problems and asd. The eldest has spent long periods of time sectioned and in forensic units. He now lives in rented accommodation as is at uni but texts/ rings constantly.... I am seriously ill and he will think nothing of asking me questions at 3 in the morning. He is nocturnal. Both of them have been violent towards me and I dread the moods they will be in. It's never ending so you have my sympathy. I would absolutely push for the council accommodation as they will support him as an individual or if he gets into difficulties.

wheresthel1ght · 10/12/2017 09:42

I agree with the pp who suggested schizophrenia may be at play here. It is certainly worth discussing with your GP.

However you need to protect the yourself. Apsergers or not he is behaviour is unacceptable and is putting your life at risk. I am sorry but I agree that you need to have him removed from your home.

He is your son, but he is also an adult. You have told him to get help or get out so now it's time to follow through. I firmly think you have done all you can.

💐💐

RandomMess · 10/12/2017 09:53
Thanks
Gaudeamus · 10/12/2017 10:01

OP your latest update is quite worrying. The behaviours you describe do sound as if they could indicate some kind of mental health disturbance beyond Aspergers or emotional distress, and your son is at the age where problems like schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder tend to manifest - it's relevant that you say his condition has become much worse in the last few months.

My ex-husband had a psychotic breakdown at the same age and the signs were very similar to what you've mentioned. It had a lead-up of several months where he became aggressive and disparaging and I thought he hated me. He was sectioned for several months after he became fully delusional and I called the local MH crisis team who assessed him at home.

Please do ask your GP for advice if you think this could be a possibility - the correct medication could make a huge difference.

Good luck to you.

jaffacake2 · 10/12/2017 10:02

Do you think his mental health is at the level to be assessed to be sectioned ? If he was placed in a mental health unit maybe a care plan could be arranged for alternative supported housing when discharged.
Keep strong and keep asking for professional help.

justilou1 · 10/12/2017 10:08

I'm so sorry you are going through such an awful time.... It definitely sounds like you need to take some kind of action - no matter how tough it seems to be - to protect yourself. Your son sounds like there might be a bit more than Asperger's happening. (Mental health issues? Drugs, perhaps?). I'm sorry, but you are going to have to be proactive if you do evict him and change your locks or even move yourself to a one bedroom place so that he has no "home" that he feels entitled to come back to.

Blackteadrinker77 · 10/12/2017 10:20

I don't have any advice as I have no experience but just wanted to send you and the other posters going through this a hug x

lynmilne65 · 10/12/2017 10:26

I did this it's hard but no where near as hard as expecting a police knock every day

Frustrationqueen · 10/12/2017 10:34

I think if you stick to your guns and send him into the world standing on his own two feet. You will then be able to gather more strength to help him help himself.
I would hope it would force him to see that his life is his and his choices and decisions play a massive part in how it unfolds for him.

Right now, he has no worries as he is under mums roof who does all the adult stuff.

I cant even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you to find yourself faced with this situation, but in reality, it cannot continue as it is now as it is having a negative impact on all.

rainbowruthie · 10/12/2017 11:00

Just sending you kind thoughts and hoping you find the strength that you need at this most challenging time Flowers

Cornishclio · 10/12/2017 11:04

Sympathy OP. I cannot imagine what that is like to be scared of your own child. You are absolutely right to say you cannot live with him any more. Equally it is worrying if he is a danger to other people or himself. Is it really ASD or is there some sort of schizophrenic behaviour here as well?

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/12/2017 11:07

Op your ds will receive the over 35 rate of housing benefit as long as his receives pip /dla . If he doesn't apply to be his appointe and claim asap.

Kr1st1na · 10/12/2017 11:10

I have two sons with mental health problems and asd. The eldest has spent long periods of time sectioned and in forensic units. He now lives in rented accommodation as is at uni but texts/ rings constantly.... I am seriously ill and he will think nothing of asking me questions at 3 in the morning. He is nocturnal. Both of them have been violent towards me and I dread the moods they will be in. It's never ending

The posters who have dared to criticise the OP and other like her need to read this. ^^^

And curl up and die with shame.

Flowers for you WannaBe

Pannacott · 10/12/2017 11:24

Another here to say that the paranoia, especially if it's relatively new, could be a sign of a new serious mental illness - schizophrenia or other psychosis. This is the age that these things often develop. Paradoxically, this probably would get you better access to services, and services wouldn't just walk away if he refused to engage.

If it comes to it, the place to start would be to talk to your or his GP, talk about the paranoia, him becoming angry when you look at him, the excessive locks on the door. Particularly talk about the degree and frequency of violence, the police involvement, the safeguarding actions. Ask about what circumstances would trigger a Mental Health Act assessment. Mention the ASD, but don't attribute the behaviour to it - suggest that you think something else is going on.

You are totally doing the right thing by asking him to leave. You deserve a life. Be careful though x x

Mumse9 · 10/12/2017 11:25

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Sofabitch · 10/12/2017 11:30

Op my brother is the same. Aspergers and his flat was awful. Any way he had a total breakdown. Turns out sever mental health problems are often associated with aspergers.and he ended up getting sectioned which was awefuk but it did get him the help and support that he needed

He probably won't cope living alone he might need supported living or something similar.

Im sorry you are going through this. Please get yourself some support.

Rudgie47 · 10/12/2017 11:31

Mumse9. The ladies safety is at risk I think its beyond her not wanting to deal with him.

Mumse9 · 10/12/2017 11:33

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gamerchick · 10/12/2017 11:34

GF alert. Just ignore.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 10/12/2017 11:39

Mumse9. I have a child with sn who is in a mainstream school or 'put in with normal kids' as you so articulately put it. His teacher tells me he is the best behaved child in the class but unfortunately has to put up with bullying from 'normal' kids. Probably those with delightful parents like you.
Op as difficult as the decision is I don't think you have any practical choice other than to have your son leave. It's a sad situation that there aren't the services available to help you.

Sofabitch · 10/12/2017 11:40

Op. I've sent you a Pm. But if your (or others in your situation) safety is at risk phone put of hours gp or an ambulance. They will section him if he is a risk to himself or others as a result of mental health. Much more useful than calling the police as a section can get you access to other support moving forward.

Sofabitch · 10/12/2017 11:41

And aspergers counts as mental health.

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