Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I have to throw my son out

197 replies

GuiltyandHeartbrokenmum · 09/12/2017 23:12

My son is 22 and is on the Autistic spectrum (Aspergers).

He has become unbearable during the last six months. The things he has done to me and my house are too many to mention. The police have been involved on some occasions.

I've been trying to get him help but he refuses to engage with anyone and now that includes me.

His room is literally now a landfill site and he refuses to clean it up either by himself or with help from me.

I have given him a written list of the conditions he has to abide by in order to remain in the house, but he ignores them.

I can't take it anymore and have told him he needs to leave. My sister will let him stay on her sofa or he can take a train to his dad. He's on the council housing list with priority status so if I throw him out he'll be put up in a night hostel. However, he's fixated on finding private accommodation which he won't be able to afford or maintain.

I am at the end of my tether with him and now I've just walked past his bedroom and there are now small flies coming from his room which I think are fruit flies breeding in the spilt and trodden in food and drink. And to think that I spent good money decorating and carpeting his room just a few months ago when he was at his dad's.

I love my son, and want to help him but I can't help someone who won't accept help. I have contacted Adult Social Care, his doctor, Mental Heath Services, carers services and many, many other organisations over the months. But if he refuses to engage with them what can I do?

I think now that he has to leave for the sake off my sanity and health as well as his. I'm hoping that if he is thrown out that it will be a wake up call to him that he has to accept help, if not from me then from others. He won't go willingly so I will have to lock him out. I don't want to have to call the police to remove him.

I've been told that I would be doing the right thing for him and me, but the guilt is so huge. Please tell me you agree with them.

OP posts:
MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 10/12/2017 11:43

Morning, everyone. You'll have noticed we've removed some posts for breaking talk guidelines.

Just a reminder that we don't want to see disablist posts on our Talkboards. We want to help to educate people so that they're not even thinking in a disablist way, let alone posting anything disablist on the boards.

Thanks all.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 10/12/2017 11:45

I understand he has problems, but as an adult he can and must understand that if he wants to continue living with you he must abide by a few basic rules such as keeping his room clean.

Living with flies in is proof that he can’t be left to fend for himself.

It’s your call, but tell him to buck up and keep his room clean or move in with his dad.

0hCrepe · 10/12/2017 11:50

Is he on any medication? He sounds like he is struggling significantly and very unhappy.

0hCrepe · 10/12/2017 11:53

Agree re emergency services and sectioning. He needs help not tough love.

grannytomine · 10/12/2017 12:01

I think social services will leave you to it for as long as they can get away with it. My experience isn't ASD but trying to get help with an elderly relative with dementia. I sympathise as the guilt is awful and I ended up in hospital with a suspected heart attack. There comes a point where you have to put yourself first.

I hope you get some help.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 10/12/2017 12:03

The problem with that though is that there is a ridiculously high threshold ime for what is considered a danger to themselves or others and they tend to err far too much on the side of what the individuals wishes are even if they aren't competent to make that decision for themselves. The cynic in me would say that it is because sections are expensive.
The op has had contact with mh professionals and her son has been able to choose not to engage.

Whinesalot · 10/12/2017 12:03

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. He's not getting the help he needs whilst he's hiding from it in your home. By forcing him out then he will be forced to confront his issues and that will be good for him as well as the right thing for you.

Please don't feel guilty. There comes a time when you've done as much for them as you can. Hopefully by removing the stresses of living together you can be a supportive mum which he might appreciate more because there are less trigger points for conflict.

Sofabitch · 10/12/2017 12:08

To people who think forcing someone to confront their issues works, clearly have no understanding of major mental health issues.

This doesn't sound like runnof your mill feeling a bit low and a swift reality check. This feels like a young man on the brink of a major mental health breakdown. Who is violent towards the OP.

Maryz · 10/12/2017 12:09

"tell him to buck up and keep his room clean"

ffs, have you RTFT?

I'm sure the op has politely suggested he clear up his room Hmm. Life would be hunky-dory if it was simply a matter of telling him what to do.

Whinesalot · 10/12/2017 12:10

But confronting issues will force him to allow the professionals to be involved.

Karigan1 · 10/12/2017 12:11

Did you read mine? I wasn’t suggesting just telling him to do it but to give a firm deadline and stick to it for her proposed action.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 10/12/2017 12:19

Yes I’m sure that will fix his mental health problems.

perfectstorm · 10/12/2017 12:22

Karigan the only possible response to that: are you on glue?

Twuntingattheweekend · 10/12/2017 12:23

I'm 4 years behinned you,and you are welcome to pm me for a private chat...I've always thought what you wrote will be me some day.i toally understand how you feel.my son wees in his room,so we have that added delight as well...you need to contact some autism charities near you,they may know of assisted living...something called king wood i belive supports young people on the spectrum.

perfectstorm · 10/12/2017 12:23

Yes I’m sure that will fix his mental health problems.

Yes, autism too. All fixable if only the silly mums were more clear, and firmer! Such a fuss about nothing.

Missingstreetlife · 10/12/2017 12:26

Supported living or extra sheltered housing. Social services and housing decide between them once he is their responsibility.
Don't drag it out, it will be best for him as well as you. Good luck.

NotTheFordType · 10/12/2017 12:41

OP I was in a similar situation with my DS although he's not on the spectrum, he has some major MH issues - PTSD, depression and anxiety.

After leaving school at 16 he started going to college but dropped out before Xmas and refused to go back, choose another course, or apply for any jobs. He was already seeing a psychiatrist and had a separate support worker and though he was engaging with them face to face, he simply refused to take their help and advice on getting better.

I took voluntary redundancy from my main job and started working from home freelance. I tried to get him involved in helping me out with work. He would accept tasks (simple ones such as printing stuff out) and then just not do them.

In the end I gave him a one-month deadline and said by the end he had to be either enrolled on a course or actively seeking work (and be able to show me what he'd applied for.) He did nothing. So I made him officially homeless.

He was placed in youth supported housing and it was actually the making of him. They managed to get him enrolled on a course, helped him claim benefits, he made new friends.

I was terrified that our relationship would completely break down but it has actually improved it. We speak daily and I feel so much more able to give him love and support because I'm not feeling frustrated every day that he's refusing to follow house rules.

You are doing the right thing for your son and yourself.

Emillee · 10/12/2017 12:41

Did you read mine? I wasn’t suggesting just telling him to do it but to give a firm deadline and stick to it for her proposed action.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

🙄

Sorry, OP, I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I have a DD with (mild compared with you) additional needs and following the above course of action would have zero effect whatsoever.

I feel for you, especially in the face of posts which are coming from a place of such breathtaking ignorance as to what it can be like living with someone with additional needs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/12/2017 12:43

Just Flowers for you OP, that must be heartbreaking for you and I hope that you will receive support and not judgement because I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. :(

ThisisaNC · 10/12/2017 12:54

Oh OP, your thread tugged on my heart.

(Haven't RTFT yet)

My DS is ASD, and was violent to houses, me, OH, his sister, school... verbally and physically aggressive to everyone.

Despite numerous referrals nobody gave a flying shit, except some excellent teachers on an EWO.

His issues started around 9. It took until he was almost 17 to get anywhere. He was moved in supported accommodation for 18 months and now lives alone, 3 years on. We were advised to move out of the area on his placement and to NOT disclose new address....except we were forced to home him for 5 months in a teeny 2-bed terraced...

He's a lot better, although he remains verbally challenging and the occasional physical outburst at home - a glass or fist at wall, and his GP is less than useless, and me and OH are disabled now.

You're not alone, I've left out loads and NCed as don't want to be identified.

OP, PM me if you'd like, I'd be able to open up more there. Much love x Thanks

ThisisaNC · 10/12/2017 12:55

Oh, and deadlines to someone verbally and physically aggressive do SFA. Got the T-shirt...

PerfectPenquins · 10/12/2017 12:58

I work in a residential home for adults with mental health conditions, very similar to op`s son.

Saying for him to buck up or move out and face his issues is really foolish and frankly ignorant.

A lot of sufferers NEVER change because they CANT!

What they need and their families need is the option of adult social care and residential services support. We have multiple staff to take on the responsibilities that often one or two family members are coping with on their own, we have waking night staff as the residents need 24/7 care and alertness. Yet families are often left to do this them selves plus go to work to keep a roof over their heads.

I really wouldn't go down private rental road, you will have to be financially responsible for any damage and you know there will be which will just add to your stress. Go back to the council and say they either start finding him a suitable place or he will be back on their doorstep.

Hassle social care until they help and your GP. Its exhausting but thanks to Tory cuts there is sod all funding for cases like this its a disgrace and we should all be ashamed at how badly we let down people every flaming day.

Knittedfairies · 10/12/2017 12:59

This thread has brought back very painful memories for me, as I was in OP's position years ago; I did send her a pm as I wanted to offer some hope but didn’t want to share my experiences with everyone. But I couldn't let the firm deadline thing go; this would have meant less than nothing to my son... Perhaps I wasn't firm enough with him when he pulled me down the stairs and battered me with the breadboard?

Unless you have walked in OP's shoes, or the intelligence to know that you know nothing about living with the nuclear warhead you gave birth to, all you can do is offer a shoulder to cry on.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 10/12/2017 13:01

The outcomes don't look good if he stays or goes but at least the op can safeguard herself.

Knittedfairies · 10/12/2017 13:02

P.S. OP, I meant to say that you will have to don your Warrier Mother armour and spend tomorrow on the phone to everybody. Keep a note of what you said, to whom, and when you said it. And what they said to you. Follow up every conversation, and hold them to account. Good luck 💐

Swipe left for the next trending thread