To ask for equal undisturbed hobby time at home

[Fitbitironic]

To keep it brief, dh's interests have him out of the house for a couple of hours at the weekend (effectively taking out a morning), and at least one evening every week. Sometimes additional times, and it can be for longer.
The rationalization has always been that he would look after DC if I wanted to do something, so I can't complain. The reality is that my interest is more home based, so I'm still regularly disturbed by DC, cutting into my time and breaking concentration. It's not something I can just pick up and take elsewhere. Also wouldn't be doing it all through the school day due to other commitments.
AIBU to tell him to entertain his DC (quietly) for the relevant length of time so that I have my undisturbed hobby time too?

peach yes, the early posts did focus on sahm role because that's the situation right now and what I was asked about. Although when I pointed it's the same when working, it went largely unnoticed, so in hindsight I should have made more of this in the OP. Funny how you (me) think you've explained something but obviously haven't... Good point about dh possible POV of it.

You fill your time with other things that are not the equivalent of work. Social care and volunteering are time users just the same as a hobby is. Would you not count him doing voluntary work in evenings and weekends as anything other than a hobby?

Can't your DH take the kids food shopping at the weekend, while you stay at home and do your hobby, uninterrupted? Plus that will free up time during the week that you'd otherwise spend at the supermarket, allowing for more hobby time that day when the kids are at school, as well?
I'm struggling to see why this can't be resolved with some minor jiggling?

Haha, he wouldn't do voluntary work. Nope, I don't class that as a hobby.
Yes, dh could do food shopping with DC on a weekend, but that's missing the point completely.
I can reign what I do through the week atm, but not when I'm working. I try to get everything done through the weekday precisely so that we can do something more interesting as a family at the weekend, and dh (and myself)can relax on an evening. He has a few hours DC free on a week evening, as well as on a weekend, while I look after the DC so he can do it.

Again, I don't really see why he couldn't watch the DC for a few hours one night so I could do the same. It shouldn't have to involve using weekend time to do something boring. What DC wants to do food shopping on a weekend when it could be avoided??
Staggered that advice 95% of the time either doesn't take full account of the facts, or revolves around me rejigging something else (fair enough during sah periods, not so for times I am working), when all I'm after is dh to properly watch the DC one eve for a couple of hours! As I do for him!!

If your DC had been young so that you had no child free time through the week, I would have understood the issue better, as it would have been extremely unreasonable that you never got child free time in a span of seven days.
However as your children are older, and do spend time at school, suspect it would make sense to try and carve some time out then- perhaps at the expense of housework.
I also suspect the main issue here is that your time on the weekend seems to be a free for all, ie you settle down to do something and then are interrupted because your dh can't be bothered to engage with his children and they keep coming in and bothering you. The weekday hobby time avoids this issue, or you need to have a clear chat and agree that weekend hobby time does NOT make you the default parent even at that time.

Frustrating thread is this one!! OP you've argued the toss over every single suggestion, and there's been loads of good ones.

Sigh. 95% of the advice isn’t what you want to hear

If you - understandably - dislike your H’s behaviour and attitudes your options are or to ask him to change (eg in counselling) and then if he doesn’t to put up with it, ask him to change (eg counselling) or plan to end the relationship. I would do the latter.

You seem to be seeking for him to change specific things, eg his parenting failures during your “hobby time”, rather than addressing the huge problems that whether or not you WoH he doesn’t do domestics or much parenting.

Despite the difficulties it’d be sensible to WoH: risky being financially dependent on a man like that.

Just come back to this thread and it's pretty clear you're not really interested in any suggestions. The ridiculous excuses like 'writing a list (wtf?) and going food shopping' taking about 4 hours is ridiculous.

Clearly, your DH should be doing more and of course you should be able to do your hobby, but you sound so tit for tat about your DH it's just rather silly. 'He gets an hour for lunch, why shouldn't I' just makes you sound petty. By all means take an hour, but that's your choice - you could be doing some of your hobby then.

Anyway, you obviously feel anyone who doesn't agree with you 'doesn't understand', even those of us who have been SAHP (though my children were at home at the time, not at school) and been out of the home to work. So with this in mind, no you're not being unreasonable, everyone who disagrees is and you're right. There you go, that's what you wanted to hear.

You come across as ridiculous and spreadsheety (nice word whoever came up with that) but he comes across as a pretty shitty parent. The idea of a parent of young children coming home from work and sticking headphones on immediately is not a nice image. And he should definitely be able to entertain them for 2 hours whatever the reason. Whether it's for a 'hobby' (can't deal with this concept) to be performed or not. Also you need to train your children to dick around by themselves, it's a key skill for the future.

iabu to want dh to stop DC disturbing me for 2 hrs one evening a week, if I have been in paid work for all the DC free time through the week, and after school is taken up with activities /playdates?
YANBU. Your DH gets his hobbies, the one that takes him out of the house at the weekend and an evening during the week PLUS the gaming (bet that's not just 30 minutes once a week either eh?!) uninterrupted so you should too. Plus I think him doing sod all housework needs addressing too.

I do understand why people are suggesting you rejig what you do during the day and do your hobby then, but there's no way I'd want to go food shopping or do housework at weekends or evenings unless I really had to, so I don't blame you for not liking that suggestion.

Some posters are classing your volunteer work as a type of hobby. To me it depends on what the work is and why you're doing it; if it's to add value to your CV/build experience to go back to paid work (which ultimately helps the family), then I consider it as valuable as paid work and should be classed as such. But if it's not then I class is as a hobby.

Fitbit I think you should post again in Relationships because many people seem to use AIBU as a way to pick an OP apart (which they've not read or understood properly) then argue on points already explained. I think you'll find you get a slightly different response there.

Surely though even if you count your day volunteering and the day with your parents as 'work', then you still have 3 free days? I have one, and in that day I manage to do some housework, food shopping etc, and still have time to sat on my backside for a while!
Today I am still in bed, and I plan to do all kinds once I'm up.
The day I'm off, I have everything sorted when DH gets in. The days we both work, we share it equally. THAT is your issue, that when you're working he should be helping, but surely not when you're off??

No one has been particularly goady, the OP is just refusing to accept some answers.

Yabu to want additional child free hours when you are a sahm.
Yambu to want to split the child free hours when you are working.

Almost all posts have agreed to the above.

All posts have agreed that your husband doesn't do enough. However your subsequent posts highlight why he is lazy. You cannot make a point of doing all the chores mid week, throughout the day, to allow you both to relax and then complain about him not helping in the house. Stop doing some things and make him help.

As for never wanting to do chores at the weekend because the kids won't like it, tough. I agree that if you take 4+ hours to do the shopping they will hate it, but if you do it in a reasonable time and/or online it isn't damaging or unfair to children.

You can't have it all ways OP.

You are being completely unreasonable.

Let’s put it another way - count up how many hours your contributing to the nuclear family needs and ensure both of you are doing the same. Anything other than these are choices. When does your DH get to visit his parents and do volunteering?

Don’t know your numbers, but something like:

DH: Travel and work time - 9 * 5 = 45 hours

OP: School run twice a day = 5 hours, Housework & Shopping = 10 hours: Total = 15 hours.

You have a lot more to contribute to the family before you are anywhere near being reasonable in wanting more time taken out of DH time that is not shared. At the weekend, he probably should have a full day to do his hobbies and the other day shared family time and it would be reasonable, but he’s still the one missing out. When you start working again, you'll bad able to recalculate and make sure you make up the hours.

When your in the family home, you should never expect the family to be boxed in - it's a delight that they want to be with you, and its a shame you can't feel that way.

As you seem to record married life like a spreadsheet, I’d suggest you both work part time 2.5 days per week, and do shopping/housework alternate weeks. Remember to request leave and get it signed in triplicate; maybe a clocking in and out machine would make sure everything remains fair.

The poster above who said ‘you need to teach your kids to dick about by themselves’ is spot on. Your kids are primary age, so maybe 5 & 10? You’ve said the 10 year old can amuse themself for your two hours, why can’t The younger one? Shut yourself in your room after telling them that you will be out of action for two hours, if the small one comes in just say to ask daddy or your sibling for help, be unavailable, make it clear that it’s your time. The child will soon get used to it.
And yes, do an online shop and get some time that way during the week too.

You have loads of time to do your hobby.

If you dont fancy doing it in the day, you are lucky enough that you can do it at home after kids in bed. I reckon you could do your hobby for 12 uninterrupted hours a week without it impacting upon anything in your family's life. If it's that important to you, you'd fit it in easily.

Instead, you've become fixated on wanting to do it while your dcs are awake/ not at school. It's some strange point of principle. Your husband's unwillingness to facilitate this by policing the dcs access to you is seen as some massive failing on his part.

I'm curious to know what your hobby is!

I’m going to be hated but I’ll say it anyway...I don’t think your husband should have to do stuff in the house (yes of course he should do his share of parenting). You have 2 school age children and you can’t fit time in to look after the house/take them to school/spend a day with your parents and volunteer. I get it that during the long holidays you might want him to help out a bit if the kids are hard work but seriously how can’t you manage to do all this stuff in the time they are at school? And I’m sure you can fit your hobby in too.

Even if you can’t get a hobby that takes you out the house and then he will just have to cope!

I’m on Mat leave with 2 babies and everything is taken care of by me. It’s fine. When I want to go out at the weekend I do it. Occasionally of an evening I’ll go out.

I will say I have a cleaner for 4 hours a week. She cleans the house (5 bedroom house) top to bottom and I don’t do any cleaning except after the kids eating and their play area which is a constant mess.

Thing is though watersdrops, this DH did bugger all domestic work or parenting when OP WoH. Hard to WoH with a DH like that.

So WoH and husband has to do equal drop offs/pick ups/make dinner tidy up/have a rota for who does washing/bins etc and who gets what “nights off”. This only works if both parties have equal earning power because if the family can live happily on one partners wage but it puts the job at risk “not being available” then there are new financial issues which could be more serious than husband not pulling weight.

But what came first Dozer the H doing bugger all or the OP creating a culture of relaxing in the evening because she had done it all before he was home?

Somehow suspect it was the H doing bugger all, it usually is!

“Facilitating” the higher earner - almost always the father - often means high personal economic risk for the other person - almost always the mother. That needs to be considered as well as any potential risks to the higher earner of not progressing or losing their job unless they work long hours/travel/ whatever.

“Facilitated men” threads come to mind.

I only “facilitate” my higher earning DH to a limited extent because if certain bad “life events”happen and I hadn’t been working at my job/to earn a decent amount I would be very vulnerable, potentially affecting my and the DCs’ quality of life for a very long time.

I'm lucky in that my OH does his share including cat litter boxes, all the hoovering and ironing haha.
My dad also done the lions share.

However both myself and my mum are the higher earners.

Surely if you did an online shop instead then you have free hours there?

LOL to the poster that said "Obviously house work and employment has to happen but after that anytime should be for the dc"!!

This is precisely how you raise a "special snowflake". Teaching your kids that their parents are also HUMANS with their own interests, and that everyone needs space and to be able to entertain themselves, is one of the best skills you can teach.

Also YABU because you have 25 free hours a week that you are choosing to fill with other things, and making routine chores drag out for hours.

Do as someone said and do your big shop in the evening one day a week, therefore forcing your H to look after the children. Leaving the house is probably the only way you will manage to get the time back. Do your hobby in the week. Agree that the time your H is playing games should count as hobby time too.