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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for equal undisturbed hobby time at home

203 replies

Fitbitironic · 09/12/2017 22:49

To keep it brief, dh's interests have him out of the house for a couple of hours at the weekend (effectively taking out a morning), and at least one evening every week. Sometimes additional times, and it can be for longer.
The rationalization has always been that he would look after DC if I wanted to do something, so I can't complain. The reality is that my interest is more home based, so I'm still regularly disturbed by DC, cutting into my time and breaking concentration. It's not something I can just pick up and take elsewhere. Also wouldn't be doing it all through the school day due to other commitments.
AIBU to tell him to entertain his DC (quietly) for the relevant length of time so that I have my undisturbed hobby time too?

OP posts:
GetMeOutOfHerePlease · 11/12/2017 17:23

Even op did her hobby during the day, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to think he should be spending some time with his children alone without gaming.

RedSkyAtNight · 11/12/2017 17:32

OP's children are old enough to understand "mummy is busy doing her hobby, don't disturb her" whether or not DH is carefully watching them.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 20:43

I’m not sure how food shopping takes a day?
I knew I'd get comments like this. And the unnecessary lunch hour one. If dh has, and takes, an hour for lunch, why shouldn't I, just out of interest? If he can go to the canteen for pre made food, then spend the rest of that hour surfing the net or socializing or whatever, why shouldn't a sahp have an equal hour off in the day?
And of course food shopping doesn't take a whole day, but travelling there/back, writing a list and doing a week's shopping does take the best part of the 'free' four hours in the day. The rest is easily taken up by laundry/cleaning etc.
As for seeing parents, you are aware some ppl do their parents shopping, take them to appointments, may be their only social contact in the week?
And lots of things just wouldn't happen if some ppl weren't community minded and made an effort to volunteer-staff in charity shops, any non staff activities in school (including organizing and running the xmas fair in ours), care homes, pet rescue centres, environmental clean up etc. These are only ones I've been involved in, I'm sure there are many more. If ppl just saw it as a hobby, and only committed when totally convenient society would be much poorer for it.
My q wasn't about (yet again) rearranging my life to fit in around what others want to do, but asking whether iabu to ask for undisturbed time, as dh has. It's disturbed because during this time he makes little effort to interact with DC, who come in to ask me things as default, or come in for company. Considering we both are generally just as busy as each other in the evening, I'm default entertainer/homework organised etc. So I don't think it's that unreasonable to expect him to step up and keep them out of my room for 2 hours in the week. Obviously not the consensus though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 20:49

Oh, and I don't begrudge him his hobby, but I am beginning to begrudge the way he generally interacts less unless I point it out again...and the DC free hobby time...

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/12/2017 20:53

I still think YABU: the activities you mention are mainly discretionary. U to want additional leisure time, in peace, for a hobby.

Most people who woH don’t get an hour’s lunch break.

If your H isn’t doing a good job of parenting, eg being attentive to the DC, YANBU on that.

SmileChuck · 11/12/2017 20:55

Id just fit this hobby into your week day. You must easily have a couple of hours free somewhere.

Why is everyone so mysterious about "hobbies" on mumsnet. I always imagine some sort of dungeon based leisure activity.

TheNoseyProject · 11/12/2017 20:55

Yeah he needs to parent his own kids and not be ignoring them till the give up and try you. But that’s going to get lost in the details you’ve been asked to supply.

Amatree · 11/12/2017 20:58

I agree with a pp ago said that you're not being honest with yourself about what you're unhappy with. It seems like you want people to agree that being a SAHP with children in school is as hard as a full time working week but sorry, it isn't. Most of your activities are ones you are choosing to do (yes volunteering is a great thing to do but you don't have to do it, it's not bringing in money or anything so let's face it you are making a choice to do it because you WANT to, even if it's a good deed). And you have the luxury of turning a food shop into several hours of work Confused It can easily be done rapidly online.

Amatree · 11/12/2017 21:01

My point being you could easily make time for uninterrupted hobbling during the week it you're not. I'd be unhappy if I was your DH. I bet he has to be a lot more efficient at work than you're being at home, sorry!

Raver84 · 11/12/2017 21:13

Your totally unreasonable why shouldn't your youngest want to come and find you whilst you are card making, knitting or making cakes or whatever you do. He wants to spend time with mum after school. Be there for him. Do yohr hobby in the day for goodness sake.

FluffyWuffy100 · 11/12/2017 21:13

Whilst I’m sure it would be nice if your DH connected with his children more.... you have five hours five days a week to do your hobby!

A day for food shopping? Fucking LoL. Let me introduce you to online food ordering...

A day at your parents? Yes, choice.

Voluntary work whilst to be commended, is indeed a choice.

A lunch break? Um, right. It sure where to start on that one.

FluffyWuffy100 · 11/12/2017 21:16

or go see your parents on a weekend (maybe when DH is out doing his hobby) then your children could see their GPs too.

You have loads of time to do your hobby.

What you really want I suspect is DH to do more with his children - but that is another question that you haven’t asked.

Food planning, online shopping and putting away does NOT take 4 hours a week!

museumum · 11/12/2017 21:26

OP you are the primary care giver so the kids will bother you if you’re in.

You need to take better advantage of the time you’re home alone and leave your dh alone with the kids at other times.
Do your supermarket shop one evening for example and let/make him step up for bedtime routine.
There will be other things you can rearrange similarly.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 11/12/2017 21:31

Why do you need a lunch hour when you don't work?

It's amazing any working adults manage to eat or have clean clothes if it takes six hours to do a food shop and turn the washer on.

You seem to want it all at his expense. He has to work to cover the household costs, you and the children and despite having all school days to yourself then want even more free time. I'd be telling you exactly what I thought it that what was my partner expected.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 21:32

Yeah he needs to parent his own kids and not be ignoring them till the give up and try you. But that’s going to get lost in the details you’ve been asked to supply.
Most sensible comment I've read so far.
Believe it or not, I'm not asking ppl to say being a sahp is terribly hard, although I could argue that trailing round doing the food shop (which I've said doesnt take a whole day Confused), digging in the garden, mopping floors and scrubbing toilets etc is a darn sight more physical than sitting on your arse in front of a computer.
I try hard to use my 'work week's productively, so while dh is at work, I'm also doing 'work', not always the paid variety. I've worked ft, pt with DC, and atm mostly a sahm, either way i know the bulk of everything (apart from earning money) falls to me, because it happens in every situation.
Interesting that the majority of pp see the solution as rearranging my life to fit, rather than dh concentrating on his DC for a few hrs a week. Yes, it's the easiest option, but it doesn't say much for equal roles and expectations, whether that's male vs female or woh vs sahp. Why is it expected that the sahp is at the beck and call of DC 24/7, yet woh isn't (when back home)? That's the issue, most ppl haven't addressed. Thanks to those who did!

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 11/12/2017 21:33

Yabu Biscuit

LaurieMarlow · 11/12/2017 21:39

This isn't really about hobby time, is it? It's more about your husband stepping up to parenting duties at the weekend. You are NBU to think he should be able to spend time with the kids on his own without slacking off for some gaming.

I think you should absolutely carve out some time for yourself at the weekend - and that time could be used to do shopping/spending time with your parents that fill up the weekdays.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 21:45

yellow strange you're making comments based on things I haven't actually said Confused. And if I had no responsibility to do anything for anyone else during the time the DC are at school, I'd not be here asking, would I? All that time to myself, as I've already explained, is used for other things...
Pp, we do sunday dinner with parents, so DC do see my parents too.

OP posts:
EllaBells · 11/12/2017 22:00

OP you are NBU.

In similar circumstances with added dog walking which takes basically 2 hours a day plus a nursey aged child and 2 school aged children with ASD.

Except my DH still is happy to split "weekend" time down the middle and that makes all the difference.

Sancerresanwine · 11/12/2017 22:11

I think you need to get a massive, massive grip. Hobby time? At weekends? When you're at home during the day with children at school? Jog. On.

Sancerresanwine · 11/12/2017 22:13

Other stuff, which is unpaid and essentially house hold management?? After school is for playdates and the evenings are for winding down? Ffs I can't believe I'm reading this.

Sancerresanwine · 11/12/2017 22:15

If you want your dh to step up to the parenting plate that's an entirely different question. The right to uninterrupted hobby time at the weekends when you have, frankly, your own time regardless of how you choose to use it during the week is gob smacking.

Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:21

“Why is it expected that the sahp is at the beck and call of DC 24/7, yet woh isn't (when back home)? That's the issue, most ppl haven't addressed.”

You have around 6 hours 5 days a week without DC and for a standard household will only need around one and a half of those days for domestic work, including cleaning, shopping and meal planning. So it’s fair IMO that you cover proportionately more of the evening / weekend parenting and domestics (eg homework help). Your H should, however, do SOME.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 22:23

ella sounds like you've got a dh who gets it Smile.
Frustrated by the number of ppl telling me I need to rearrange my life and am therefore being unreasonable. Without getting into all the precise and identifying detail, (some occasional work/study/parents/pets/etc), why can't ppl actually address the actual q asked, and take my word that the responsibilities I have which take my time through the week are non negotiable at present, instead of making assumptions?
Why shouldn't I be able to have 2 hours on a weekday evening DC free, with dh in sole charge of them? It's what I do for him, on one weekday and one weekend day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 22:25

dozer, you're obviously either not reading, or not taking in, what I have said in pp. Thanks for telling me how much free time I have, but as previously mentioned, that's wrong.

OP posts:
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