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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for equal undisturbed hobby time at home

203 replies

Fitbitironic · 09/12/2017 22:49

To keep it brief, dh's interests have him out of the house for a couple of hours at the weekend (effectively taking out a morning), and at least one evening every week. Sometimes additional times, and it can be for longer.
The rationalization has always been that he would look after DC if I wanted to do something, so I can't complain. The reality is that my interest is more home based, so I'm still regularly disturbed by DC, cutting into my time and breaking concentration. It's not something I can just pick up and take elsewhere. Also wouldn't be doing it all through the school day due to other commitments.
AIBU to tell him to entertain his DC (quietly) for the relevant length of time so that I have my undisturbed hobby time too?

OP posts:
Sancerresanwine · 12/12/2017 00:24

Sorry to derail but needsasock I think you actually saved my life when under another nn. I will always be grateful and never forget it. I am very touched you admired what I said previously
In the same vein op, I have been riled by what you have said because obviously you are very lucky to be in a position to choose to do voluntary work than your hobby during school hours. I am not remotely suggesting you don't deserve uninterrupted leisure time. I am saying, you could do this in school hours and that the problem here is your relationship with your dh and how you feel valued by him in the home, and how you perceive your roles.

The hobby is not the problem.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/12/2017 00:52

Op please forgive the very minor derail from me as well.

Sancer I’m honoured that you feel that way truly honoured the world is better because you are still in it.
Never forget and I really mean this, I hope you also know YOU saved your life all I would have done is talked to you at the right time never underestimate your own courage and bravery and strength.

I spend a lot of time on here doing what I did with you with lots of posters and I rarely hear any end result.Im very touched to hear yours.

On a side note and possibly more on topic, I’m considering fully retiring from paid work next year and the thought of having to do everything I currently pay others to do fills me with horror!

CotswoldStrife · 12/12/2017 00:52

OP, you are not coming across well here. I'm a SAHM, I do my own hobby-stuff during the day. You are counting and scoring points against your DH and your remarks about the volunteering are laughable.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 02:18

Oh my. cotswald whatever you think about volunteering, I can assure you that some places highly value the skills their volunteers can bring. And I do feel like I'm doing something useful with my time by using it in this way. So laugh at my comments all you like.

As for choosing to volunteer rather than do my hobby in school hours, anyone who has DC at school can choose to do the same, so I assume you are saying I'm lucky to have 'free times when DC are at school. Perhaps, but if I was able to continue working within school hours all year round rather than seasonally with the most recent work, I would. It's not completely because I choose to be a sahm. But that's another thread. You may have something in that I don't feel valued when dh doesn't stop the DC interrupting, which is why I asked if iwbu to expect it. This hasn't really been considered as a stand alone point though, which it is, if you take into account that other circumstances don't change the problem (for eg when I do work). It's all about the sahm aspect, so there's not much point in continuing.
needs derail as much as you like Smile

OP posts:
Dozer · 12/12/2017 07:01

The key thing here is your relationship problems and your feelings about your H’s behaviour and attitudes. Getting annoyed with posters because they think you are U on this specific issue on time for your hobby is just a distraction from the actual problems.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 12/12/2017 07:32

I'd not be doing equal housework with you either unless you were actual working the same number of hours.

Can you imagine a man posting that his wife wanted to a hobby after work or sit down with a game but he thought she shouldn't as she should be doing half the housework despite him being home all day not working? He would be roasted alive.

Your time management is all wrong, you could very easily have plenty of hobby time if you reorganised that. Shopping online would save you a day given how long it takes you.

Quartz2208 · 12/12/2017 07:40

No of course he should be able to for 2 hours a week. The fact he can’t be bothered too says a lot about your relationship

Everything else is irrelevant I agree he should respect you and your relationship enough to do this request

ferrier · 12/12/2017 07:46

I do think the op is getting a hard time here (notwithstanding my earlier comments and also being a little puzzled about 1 hour lunch breaks and lengthy shops). I'm a sahp and I do volunteering while dc are at school (very important if I'm to have a good shot at getting back into my profession apart from the obvious community benefits and benefits to my own sense of self worth). I also have hobbies, some of which I can do during the day but some take me out in the evening. Dh therefore has no choice but to step up and look after the dc in the evening. It's unfortunate that op's hobby doesn't take her out!

Given that the issue is more about dp stepping up rather than the hobby itself, I would do the hobby during the day and find myself another hobby to do that entails going out in the evening.

OhChill · 12/12/2017 07:50

Seems the only way around it is to stop giving time to the community and parents, etc

Sorry if you’ve already answered this op, but why can’t you volunteer on evenings and / or weekends, so you’re out of the house a few hours when Dh is with dcs? That way you could do your hobby on the day you normally volunteer. There are some great weekend and evening volunteer roles where I live. Obviously don’t know about where you are.

RedSkyAtNight · 12/12/2017 08:00

OP - whilst agreeing with others that you could do your hobby during the day if you organised your time differently (note - I'm saying differently not giving something up), I'm slightly at a loss as to why you don't just tell your DC not to disturb you while you're doing your hobby? I don't think parents who are at home with their school age DC of an evening/weekend generally spend every second entertaining them, so I think you're a bit unreasonable to expect your DH to do that. Surely the oldest might want to do their own thing and/or go out with local friends or something anyway? If every time your DC disturb you, you say "I'm busy, you need to ask Daddy", they will soon get the message.

Elmosmum · 12/12/2017 08:31

Errrm... why don't you just talk to your husband and say you want this time?

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 08:41

I'd not be doing equal housework with you either unless you were actual working the same number of hours.
Since when have I said this? Ffs. You're talking total BS. That's absolutely nothing to do with the initial q, and I have not asked him to increase his housework. What a joke.

OP posts:
waterrat · 12/12/2017 08:43

I cannot believe someone said the OP is ' not contributing to the household economy'
Jesus Christ she is a parent running a household doing part time seasonal work and looking after elderly parents.

Even if she was simply being a mother of young children and running the house she would be making as much input to the 'household ecobomy' as her husband.

What century are we in?!!!!

SunnyCoco · 12/12/2017 08:45

Omg some people make an insurmountable challenge out of living

Just get your food shopping delivered and do your hobby during the daytime

Not rocket science mate

waterrat · 12/12/2017 08:45

And doing voluntary work is vital for many women to ensure they stay job capable ....

Op you have had a crazily hard time here. I understand that your week is for 'working' ie running the family and doing volunteer work that is important to you

Yes you are entitled to down time and time to relax with a hobby fir a short time once a week

FluffyWuffy100 · 12/12/2017 08:51

OMG you don’t need to be so dramatic and give up your charity work.

Just do the food shop one evening or at the weekend and use that weekday time for your hobby.

Your are being super difficult.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 08:54

why can’t you volunteer on evenings and / or weekends
The stuff I volunteer for is during the week day.

I have asked DC not to come in. Eldest is fine with it (not old enough to be out with friends on a night!) but youngest needs reminding. Hence my frustration that dh doesn't take enough notice to remind him before I've been disturbed.

I'm finding the irrelevant comments from deliberately goady pp, and the focus on being a sahp a bit much. As previously stated, it makes no difference whether I'm working (paid) or not, yet ppl are only tending to comment on the sahm part, not the rest. There's not much point in my continuing to post, as the facts are largely being ignored.
Thanks to anyone who actually took that point on board and commented.

OP posts:
OhChill · 12/12/2017 09:21

The stuff I volunteer for is during the week day.

Maybe volunteer for something different if you are keen to do your hobby undisturberd then? I’m a sahm too btw. It simply isn’t realistic in my house that I could sit undisturbed for a few hours. No, it isn’t fair, but that’s parenting unfortunately! Unless you have really mature and understanding dcs. Or maybe I’m unlucky! Fwiw my DH can’t sit in the house undisturbed, with dc around either. That’s why he almost never works from home.

CotswoldStrife · 12/12/2017 09:39

I don't have a problem with anyone volunteering and have done myself, many times. But not if it impacts on my own family as they are the priority.

You've picked the wrong topic to do battle with here, OP. You want undisturbed hobby time and there is an obvious way to get this that does not involve your DH. If you want him to do more with the children, don't attach it to your hobby.

SunnyCoco · 12/12/2017 09:55

Nobody’s suggesting giving up your day volunteering
They’re suggesting giving up a day of food shopping when you can get it delivered and it takes 10 minutes

OhChill · 12/12/2017 09:58

The online shopping is another option.

Op, it seems like you’re determined that doing your hobby on evenings and weekends when your dc are around is the only fair deal. I don’t agree. You could take up a different hobby which gets you out of the house, you could change your volunteering to evenings or weekends, or you could stop taking a whole day (or 4 hours) to do your weekly shop. Even shopping for weeks when we have an enormous house full does not take that long.

Sancerresanwine · 12/12/2017 10:01

I'd also like to expand on what I meant by the family economy... Two adults, living in the same home, sharing finances and domestic duties, have a priority to care for their children, make money to support their children and look after the home in which they all live.
How that is divided up should be equal, and equally valued.

Volunteer work which is 'for the community' is not included in that remit.
Volunteeting to remain job capable is. The difference bering that the first is essentially a leisure choice and the second goes towards the household economy, and a greater chance for female economic equality.

Volunteering as a past time is not invalid or useless - but under these circumstances it is a choice, which then impacts on the ops time, which then impacts on when and how she can do her hobby.

minipie · 12/12/2017 10:06

YANBU to expect equal time to yourself as your DH.

But sounds like you did the maths (on page 1 or 2 of the thread) and worked out that you already have equal (in fact more) time to yourself - even after taking account of time with parents and volunteering.

By the by I agree that volunteering shouldn't be classed as time to yourself. Time with parents, well it depends on their state of health and whether you're spending the time caring for them or having nice chats.

FluffyWuffy100 · 12/12/2017 10:09

There's not much point in my continuing to post, as the facts are largely being ignored.

There isn't much point continuing to post because you are completely unreasonable and not listening to anyone else.

You say you want uninterrupted hobby time. You can have that! easily. You say the issue isn't that DH steps up to be a 'father'... well that isn't what it seems like form your moan moan moaning.

Do uninterrupted in-the-house hobby time one week day day time.

On a Saturday afternoon leave your DC with their father and fuck off to do your 4 hour food shop or the gardening or whatever task you have shifted form a week day to the weekend.

You get your uninterrupted hobby time. DH steps up to be a more involved father. Everyone is a winner.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 12/12/2017 10:35

YANBU to expect him to supervise his children instead of ignoring them whilst gaming and letting them disturb you. He gets an evening and half a weekend day for his outside the house hobby on top of his gaming so he gets plenty of non-domestic time to himself. Does he expect to come home from work and do nothing? I'm unsure if YABU to want your hobby time when he's home from work or not because I don't understand the complexities of SAHP/WOH/managing a family household.