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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for equal undisturbed hobby time at home

203 replies

Fitbitironic · 09/12/2017 22:49

To keep it brief, dh's interests have him out of the house for a couple of hours at the weekend (effectively taking out a morning), and at least one evening every week. Sometimes additional times, and it can be for longer.
The rationalization has always been that he would look after DC if I wanted to do something, so I can't complain. The reality is that my interest is more home based, so I'm still regularly disturbed by DC, cutting into my time and breaking concentration. It's not something I can just pick up and take elsewhere. Also wouldn't be doing it all through the school day due to other commitments.
AIBU to tell him to entertain his DC (quietly) for the relevant length of time so that I have my undisturbed hobby time too?

OP posts:
Sancerresanwine · 11/12/2017 22:26

I'd say you have a relationship issue and not a hobby issue.

Sancerresanwine · 11/12/2017 22:29

And I'm sorry I'm not jumping down your throat here op but Ella dc has two school aged children with asd. Vastly different demands to parenting two neuro typical children. Your issue is not how your time is spent, it is that you do not feel your dh is listening to you, or attempting to meet your needs.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 22:31

Care to elaborate sancerre?
If I had said I was woh for the exact length of time dh was, would the advice be different? Because I don't spend all that daily DC free time on things I necessarily enjoy. And ppl who support their elderly parents would hardly class that as a hobby, or something which could be given up to ensure they get hobby time through the week, for example. It may not be paid work, but it's still work of a sort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 22:31

X post, sorry

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:34

You have a lot of time you have choice over, and choose to spend it the ways you do, and want yet more time to do other - more fun - activities of your choice.

Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:35

Caring responsibilities do fall disproportionately to women . But people who WoH often have those kinds of responsibilities in addition to WoH.

BackforGood · 11/12/2017 22:43

People are, or have been answering the question. The issue is, that you don't like the answers because they aren't what you were hoping to hear.
You have said you are a SAHP to 2 school age dc. You tried to explain how you fill that time, and people have explained that you really a) don't need to take as long as you are, doing some of those things and b) you don't actually need to do all those thing. Nothing wrong at all with doing them, but you are choosing to do them ~ in effect, you are already using your child free hobby time.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 22:54

And that's why I was asking...
AIBU to ask for 2 hrs on a weekday eve (forget the weekend, even) in which dh entertains DC so that I am undisturbed? As he gets that time.

I can understand ppl saying yes, YABU because he goes out to do his hobby, so you don't have to deliberately keep DC fully occupied and away from him for that time, but that's not what pp are saying.

Everything is organised so that he doesn't have to do anything outside of his weekly work hours, and he just about doesn't! (Barring the clean up after dinner sort of thing.) It's been this way as long as I remember, when I do have work on he will do the bare minimum like making some dinners, I still make time to do the laundry and cleaning etc. Which I guess is the problem for ppl who work from home too. When I wfh and wanted to stick rigidly to only doing my paid work during the work day (not laundry etc, and for the same length working day as dh), I asked him to do his own laundry (I did mine and DC), and he seriously asked when he was supposed to do that, as he wasn't at home all day like I was. Astounding. But that's a different thread.

It seems iabu to want to use the time not directly devoted to my nuclear family's care to help others, and this should be my hobby time. Good thing not everyone thinks like that, lots of things wouldn't happen if ppl didn't volunteer their time!

Everything else is irrelevant, my q is
AIBU to ask for an equal DC free 2 hrs on a weekday eve (forget the weekend, even) in which dh entertains DC so that I am undisturbed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 22:56

backforgood I also mentioned earlier that I have some seasonal work. So the sahp bit is, at times, irrelevant.

OP posts:
Cabininthewoods69 · 11/12/2017 22:59

Get a grip. Your poor husband. Can't you do your hobby when the dcs are asleep? I'm lucky I now only work 25hrs so get time to do chores 4 mornings a week and then get time with my dc after school. I find it hard to believe you don't have a couple of hours in the day to do hobby stuff.

To answer your question yabu. Your husband sounds like he needs to step up.

I don't mean to be impertinent but why did you have children? Seems like neither of you want to spend time with them.

sailorcherries · 11/12/2017 23:02

AIBU to ask for an equal DC free 2 hrs on a weekday eve (forget the weekend, even) in which dh entertains DC so that I am undisturbed? yes because you could find that time during the weekday when the DC are at school. Your husband cannot because he is at work.

You have tried to justify spending three days doing general household chores (as the other two are volunteering and helping parents). Many other people don't have that time and manage to complete their shopping, write a list, cook, clean, do laundry and garden.
As for the "my husband has a one hour lunch break so I take it too", Christ on a bloody bike.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 23:03

dozer yes, I agree. And as stated, have also worked with DC and had other responsibilities at the same time. It's often uneven.
But if we are both busy the same number of hours during the week (it's irrelevant how this is spent, because sometimes I am in paid work too), and he gets 2 hrs+ DC free hobby time in the evening while I have the dc, shouldn't I be entitled to the same? That's the q, not all this unpicking of exactly how I spend every minute of each day currently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 23:05

yes because you could find that time during the weekday when the DC are at school. Your husband cannot because he is at work.
sailor, you're a prime example of not listening to what I said.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 11/12/2017 23:05

But if we are both busy the same number of hours during the week (it's irrelevant how this is spent, because sometimes I am in paid work too)

How it is spent is completely relevant, no matter how you try to dress it up.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 23:08

Many other people don't have that time and manage to complete their shopping, write a list, cook, clean, do laundry and garden
Yes, as I did while working and looking after DC etc the rest of the time. And I'd write the shopping list/order the food while dh would be on the computer in the evening. Why shouldn't I try to do all this in the same working hours as dh? So we should both be able to relax in the evenings.
Again, that's not the issue.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 11/12/2017 23:08

you're a prime example of not listening to what I said.

You are a prime example of not wanting to listen to the majority and only picking at certain points.

sailorcherries · 11/12/2017 23:10

When you complete your hobby and your DH taking more responsibility are two separate issues.

You can do it during the day but are chosing not to.
You need to speak to DH about his involvement in family life in general.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 23:11

How it is spent is completely relevant, no matter how you try to dress it up.
Right, so when I'm working from home, incidentally longer hours than dh is out of the home, I should look after DC in the evening while he goes out for his hobby, but he shouldn't do the same for me? At this time there is no possibility of just fitting it in while the DC are at school, unless I use work hours.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 11/12/2017 23:22

Right, so when I'm working from home, incidentally longer hours than dh is out of the home, I should look after DC in the evening while he goes out for his hobby, but he shouldn't do the same for me? At this time there is no possibility of just fitting it in while the DC are at school, unless I use work hours.

No one suggested otherwise, neither did I. Please don't twist it Flowers

While you are not working yabu.

metalkprettyoneday · 11/12/2017 23:26

I understand where you are coming from. My DP and I both have homebased hobbies- music, art . We both need a few hours at the weekend for the other one to play with our daughter so we can have this time. I feel guilty taking hobby time during the week. At weekends you don't need two parents to play lego, dolls house, tea parties. So it's a good chance for the other one to go off and do something for themselves . I think one parent does need to be fully responsible otherwise they come to you each time they can't find a toy or need a snack. I do think it's not unreasonable to ask your partner to play with his child as he probably doesn't get much time to during the week. My DP and daughter have developed all these funny role play games together through having one to one time together and they really enjoy it. It's nice to hear them getting lunch ready together. ( I work in a different room and close the door)

Cabininthewoods69 · 11/12/2017 23:28

What about getting a cleaner in. Boom more time for hobbys.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 11/12/2017 23:28

No one suggested otherwise, neither did I. Please don't twist it
I'm not twisting it. This is the q I have been asking all along, as I spend the same daily time working as dh, except his is paid work, mine is (most of the time) unpaid, and a different category. Much of the voluntary work I have done in the past is things that still need doing, but has now fallen to unpaid volunteers due to financial cuts. It's still work.

OP posts:
Sancerresanwine · 11/12/2017 23:29

It's not unreasonable to want 2 undisturbed hours on a week day, no. It's all the rest of the stuff you're saying that I can't get my head round. And yes i think there is clearly a lot more resentment towards your h than this thread shows and you are unhappy in your marriage.

It's not a hobby issue, it's a dh issue.

Sancerresanwine · 11/12/2017 23:30

No, it's not work if it's unpaid. You are not contributing to your house hold finances by this work. You are volunteering at the expense of your household income.

peachgreen · 11/12/2017 23:32

Your follow up comments have confirmed my suspicion - this isn't about you wanting to do your hobby, it's about you wanting DH to spend more one to one time with the children. Completely reasonable - he should experience a bit of solo parenting. Talk to him - but make sure you're talking about the right think. Asking for time to do your hobby when you're a SAHP will get you the same response as you've got here - but talking about the actual issue will hopefully help.

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