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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for equal undisturbed hobby time at home

203 replies

Fitbitironic · 09/12/2017 22:49

To keep it brief, dh's interests have him out of the house for a couple of hours at the weekend (effectively taking out a morning), and at least one evening every week. Sometimes additional times, and it can be for longer.
The rationalization has always been that he would look after DC if I wanted to do something, so I can't complain. The reality is that my interest is more home based, so I'm still regularly disturbed by DC, cutting into my time and breaking concentration. It's not something I can just pick up and take elsewhere. Also wouldn't be doing it all through the school day due to other commitments.
AIBU to tell him to entertain his DC (quietly) for the relevant length of time so that I have my undisturbed hobby time too?

OP posts:
minipie · 12/12/2017 11:10

Missed the bit about him gaming.

Gaming is hobby time. So add up the gaming plus his hobby and you ought to get equal time to yourself.

Or (better) he needs to reduce his gaming/hobby time to be equal to yours, and spend more time interacting with his children.

peachgreen · 12/12/2017 11:32

Nobody is being goady! I don't see any difference between your time volunteering / looking after your parents / doing housework and employment - but the fact is that those activities DON'T take up all the time you have at home, so you DO have the same amount of uninterrupted hobby time as your DH. It's nothing to do with whether volunteering is a worthy pursuit or the fact that you're a SAHM - it's to do with how much free time you have, which currently is MORE than your DH, by your own calculations. That's why it seems unreasonable and irrational to ask for more - apart from during those periods when you ARE busy the whole time the children are at school.

However, I absolutely agree with you that your DH should step up and do his share of solo parenting, and you should speak to him about this to ensure that he pulls his weight. There is obviously an imbalance here as not only are you looking after the children by yourself during the day, you're also doing it when he's at his hobby, whereas he isn't doing it at all. He should be!

So you're not absolutely not being unreasonable to ask him to take the children by himself for a couple of hours a week, I just don't think it's reasonable to frame it as "more uninterrupted time for your hobby" when you already have that.

Dozer · 12/12/2017 12:55

Posters are not goading, just disagree with you.

Sancerresanwine · 12/12/2017 13:57

Agreed - not goady, simply presenting views different to your own.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 19:58

Sorry, I should have been clearer. I have no problem with ppl disagreeing, but please not just deciding iabu completely without taking into account the circumstances, then telling me I'm twisting words when I ask for confirmation iabu in both.. Iabu if sahm situation, fair enough, but when I'm also working too the same thing happens so AIBU as well? That is what I was referring to and still getting all the sahm YABU comments without comment on the working time as well.
I was specifically referring to yellow as being goady, for specifically giving me a bashing on something I hadn't said, more than once I think, without looking back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 20:03

I don't see any difference between your time volunteering / looking after your parents / doing housework and employment - but the fact is that those activities DON'T take up all the time you have at home
peach see, this is what I'm talking about. When working, I have enough 'free time' to have a quick lunch and look visit, certainly not 2 hours to fanny around at my hobby, so why are you telling me different? You wouldn't tell dh to take time out of work to do his hobby...

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 20:17

peach wasn't asking why you were telling me... Was a general 'pp' you, who ignored the different situations

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 12/12/2017 20:18

You wouldn't tell dh to take time out of work to do his hobby

But you're not working though so the point is mute.

If you worked as many hours as he did (in paid employment not doing the days shopping etc) the nobody would have disagreed that you should have evening hobby time to match his. However you aren't so it's non comparable. He doesn't have all day every day to do as he pleases with just the odd bit of seasonal work to fit in.

You may see the shopping etc as work but it's not. It's just what adults do to function.

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 20:20

Does he expect to come home from work and do nothing
Pretty much the pattern in the past, yes. Doing the dishwasher on a night is relatively recent.

OP posts:
GreatGardenstuff · 12/12/2017 20:22

Why not spend 2hrs doing household chores at the weekend, with kids/dh helping? Then take 2hrs midweek for yourself.
It’s a win-win, you get proper peace, and they learn responsibility and teamwork!

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 20:27

The point is moot at present, but this happens even when I'm working, which is why I mentioned it, and you didn't consider. Although you did make up some crap or another I hadn't mentioned. Real sorry that his job has meant my career has suffered, and were not able to work the exact same number of paid hours, so I'm entitled to a few DC free (work free) hrs a week! Youll note that later on the thread wasn't even considering the weekend time he has, so in effect I'm asking if I deserve half the DC free hobby time. Apparently not. Glad I now know my place. Thx yellow for putting me straight Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 20:30

great I can see that something is going to have to change. My past pattern of doing everything in the week to avoid housekeeping in any form taking up time on the weekend has obviously backfired!

OP posts:
Dozer · 12/12/2017 20:32

So you have an H who does fuck all domestic work and not much parenting. Making it hard for you to do everything at home, and to WoH.

I would not want to stay with an H like that.

TalkinBoutWhat · 12/12/2017 20:36

Ugh, some of these comments.....

I think it is good for children to see their parents have/do something for themselves. So many children see their fathers have hobbies, and doing things for themselves, but rarely see their mothers doing something for themselves.

So having 1 evening where you spend 2 hours away from your DC and they know they are not to disturb you is a GOOD THING. For the DC, who learn that mothers (and women) are entitled to things for themselves, and learn that their parents are not always at their beck and call, for the fathers who work out of the home, to actually do some parenting without their partner around, and most of all for the mother, to KNOW that everyone in the family values her.

Go for it op.

Quartz2208 · 12/12/2017 20:56

I really hate the 1950s concept that somehow the man working gives him free reign to not do anything round the house and all the free time he wants.

Why? It should be a partnership and they are both parents. He needs should not trump hers just because at some point they made the presumably joint decision that he should work and she should stay at home

BackforGood · 12/12/2017 21:01

Can't believe this thread is still going.
Never sure why posters ask if they are being unreasonable, when they then completely fight against every response, and every suggestion that people make.
Nobody on this thread has been 'goady'. Lots of people have suggested ways you can have 2 hours uninterrupted for your hobby, but that clearly isn't what you are looking for.

Quartz2208 · 12/12/2017 21:32

So she moves around everything because he can’t spend 2 hours with his children - what is the point the

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 21:35

Thx dozer talkin and quartz.
chill maybe the difference for you is that my dh doesnt get interrupted. Also not unreasonable to want to volunteer at a specific role, not just volunteering for the sake of it?
Pretty sure I've already said food shopping doesn't take one of my days, no wonder the thread is still going when ppl are repeating any old untrue comment. Maybe that's why my posts look like moan moan moaning, I'm repeating myself so much.
Can't be any more specific than I think I have - iabu to want dh to stop DC disturbing me for 2 hrs one evening a week, if I have been in paid work for all the DC free time through the week, and after school is taken up with activities /playdates? This happens, but still ppl only (for majority of posts) still go on about rearranging my sahm time...

OP posts:
peachgreen · 12/12/2017 21:37

It's fair enough when you're also working OP, then you obviously don't have time and your DH should be helping you carve out that time. Honestly, I'm not criticising you or even saying you should have a different end goal - I just think there's a better way to approach it with DH as he might well resent being asked to free up time for your hobby when you already have that during the day (apart from when you're working). Instead I would approach it as him doing his fair share of solo parenting.

peachgreen · 12/12/2017 21:39

And to be fair, the majority of your earlier posts WERE about wanting this time when you're NOT doing your seasonal work so that's why people are talking mostly about that.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/12/2017 21:51

Look, this fucking prick of a man needs to start doing his share of housework and childcare. It's not about telling OP to get a job or give up her volunteering commitments or manage her time better. The problem is that her H doesn't really give a toss about her needs or wishes, because he thinks he's the only one allowed any choices about how his time is spent, because he works...

FluffyWuffy100 · 12/12/2017 21:55

OMG you still haven't answered why you can't reschedule SOMETHING in your week to the weekend?

No one thinks you don't deserve equal time 'off'.

Np one (or at least no one except that poster on page one) thinks you shouldn't do a hobby. I personally think it is excellent for women and mothers to have hobbies.

Everyone thinks your DH shoudl step up and be less of a lazy fucker at home with the small children he has jointly created.

BUT REALISTICALLY HE ISN'T GOING TO DO THIS FOR YOU IF YOU ARE IN THE HOUSE

So do yourself a bloody favour, take 2h out from your oh so busy weekday schedule and reschedule some of the 'out of the house shores' or even a new 'out of the house hobby' - to a time when DH has to look after the children at the weekend.

Sancerresanwine · 12/12/2017 22:18

Love the impromptu caps there Grin

Op, you sound bloody miserable. I hope you can make some changes that make you happier hobby or not Flowers

Original poster
Fitbitironic · 12/12/2017 22:21

OMG you still haven't answered why you can't reschedule SOMETHING in your week to the weekend?
No, I haven't, because I can reschedule atm and have implied that. Confused. More specifically in the latter half of the thread, I've repeated that sometimes I am working, and still have no uninterrupted time. I can't reschedule my work hours!
As for just taking up a different hobby, are you serious? I enjoy my present hobby, I don't just do it in the hope of a few DC free hours! [confused

BUT REALISTICALLY HE ISN'T GOING TO DO THIS FOR YOU IF YOU ARE IN THE HOUSE

And this was what I was asking if iwbu about in expecting. Not hard to entertain your DC alone for 2 hours a week!

OP posts:
LaPampa · 12/12/2017 22:25

I feel for you OP. I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time. Whilst I don’t think shopping needs to take all day, your DH isn’t having to do or think about anything household or child related which I think balances his work (assuming financially you manage which sounds like he does). If he is relaxing in the evening I agree you should be able to as well and you should both get equal undisturbed hobby time outside of working hours. It does puzzle me how long some of your daily tasks take you but I will take your word that you are occupied during working hours. Could you not swap things around though, instead of hobby in the evening (your equal one to his) could you hobby all afternoon then do a food shop one evening? I get the balancing of the hours but does it have to be in the exact same hours? That way you’d have uninterrupted time.

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