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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

276 replies

Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:33

feel so down Sad and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family Smile . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
Xmaspuddingdisaster · 23/12/2017 23:22

I was with dh for ten years and had a child when I decided I was ready to marry. Fortunately when I asked him so was he.
Just ask him before it sours things between you.

2rebecca · 24/12/2017 00:24

I don't get how some women can stay with a bloke for years and have kids with him but not feel able to discuss marriage.
I don't understand what's so difficult. You either can talk to each other or you can't.
I don't understand why so many women buy in to the passive princess in a tower with the handsome prince making all the decisions stuff these days.
I wouldn't want kids with a guy without marriage and would never have just trundled along refusing to discuss it or take an equal decision making role in the relationship.
You're either partners or you're not.

ferntwist · 24/12/2017 07:24

Agreed 2rebecca. The thing is women would never have accepted this in the old days. One way in which women’s liberation has taken us back without meaning to - in a way it’s an extension of the Cool Girl idea. You’re so committed to being cool and never mentioning marriage that you get shafted.

stickytoffeevodka · 24/12/2017 07:43

Yeah I agree with Rebecca too.

I would never have kids outside of marriage and I've always made that crystal clear. But I think as a result of that, I've always been very open about what I want from relationships. When I met DP we both talked about what we wanted (marriage, kids, house) and have worked towards those goals together.

I can't imagine getting myself into a situation where I had a child and a house with someone without a discussion of marriage.

Runningwithscissors12 · 24/12/2017 07:52

Unless you ask him what he feels about getting married you won't know.

Do you think you'll come across as needy? Is that your fear?

CotswoldStrife · 24/12/2017 22:44

It comes across as testing him a bit, if you just won't say what you want and expect him to guess though. If he doesn't know what is important to you then it's a dead cert that he's going to fail the test and you'll be unhappy.

Original poster
Changeusername · 31/12/2017 19:07

So... had a conversation with oh. Don't think im any further forward though.

Me- do you want to get married one day ?

Oh- yes. One day.

Silence

Oh - so when do you think would be a good time to get married ?

Me - when you ask me.

Oh - sounding annoyed.

Me - so when do you think would be a good time to get married?

Oh - once youve decided if were having more children.

Me - i am not having more children before we get married...

The name thing really bothers me...

It makes me feel like I'm not part of the family.

Silence. Hmm

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 31/12/2017 19:18

Oh dear OP, that didn't go well, I think you were too passive in the way you approached it by phrasing it as you did, i.e., do you want to get married one day.

Go back and start the conversation again, perhaps say "Right this is really bothering me, are we going to get married or not? If we are I would like to arrange a date sooner rather than later as I'm not happy living in limbo like this." You are at the point where you are going to have to force a definitive opinion on the matter otherwise you will just drift on like this forever. The time for romantic proposals is long gone, don't waste any more time waiting for one.

FreudianSlurp · 31/12/2017 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notonthestairs · 31/12/2017 19:20

I read your thread before Christmas and am very sympathetic but I think what you needed to say was "I'd like to get married to you in 2018. What do you think/feel/want?"

Dozer · 31/12/2017 19:21

Unless you have plenty of money don’t give up WoH, and ideally work FT.

lodybotion · 31/12/2017 19:27

He asked you when you wanted to get married, why didn't you answer him with a date, season or year?

Exactly. You both seem incapable of giving each other straight answers. How on earth do you talk about practicalities of kids/money?

c3pu · 31/12/2017 19:30

I think you need to be more direct.

"When you ask me" isn't really a useful response, far better to actually give a response with a timescale.

"A summer wedding in 2018 would be good" might have sparked a bit more of a response. Maybe have another discussion?

BonnieF · 31/12/2017 19:41

OP, why do you want to marry this man when the two of you appear incapable of having a proper, frank, honest adult discussion about an important subject?

coconuttella · 31/12/2017 19:56

I don’t think the OP gave a bad answer... ‘when you ask me’ is saying ‘I’m ready now.... so ask me already’.

It’s not good that he’s tying it into your decision about having another child... he’s basically saying that he’ll commit to you if have two children, but not if you have just one Confused Marriage should be used as a bargaining chip like that... it’s immature and cruel.

Bellamuerte · 31/12/2017 19:58

I wouldn't be bothered by the name thing personally. I'm married but kept my maiden name (purely because I don't like the sound of DH's surname with my first name). DC have DH's surname. I don't feel like an outsider - there are so many families nowadays who have different names for various reasons.

I would be bothered by the lack of marriage though, if only in a legal sense to ensure we're covered if one of us gets ill or dies. Without a marriage certificate it would be DH's mother who was his next of kin, not me. It horrifies me to think she could make life or death decisions on his behalf without my permission.

As others have said, it's clear your OH isn't going to make a big romantic gesture, and it's ok for you to grieve that. But realistically you want to get married so you have to do what's necessary to make that happen. Give up hoping for a proposal. Tell him you want to get married and set a date to go ring shopping. Accept that the most he might agree to is a trip to the register office. And make sure you have rock solid wills in place in the meantime, as currently you could end up in a bad situation in the event of an unexpected illness or death.

Original poster
Changeusername · 31/12/2017 19:58

Im kicking myself for not giving a more specific answer. Guess the little girl in me is still holding out for the romantic proposal.

OP posts:
genever · 31/12/2017 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsaSchmisa · 31/12/2017 20:02

Yes, just broach the subject again.

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 31/12/2017 20:06

Oh FFS you are infuriating! He asked when do you think a good time to get married would be, you say maybe we need to look at our finances but maybe 2018/2019? I've always thought Christmas would be a romantic time? He says his piece. You say are you going to get me a ring then? You go ring shopping together and set a date.

I suggest you bring it up, and talk about it sensibly. You aren't going to get a fairytale proposal but you will get a marriage! Which is what you say you want.

ferntwist · 31/12/2017 20:06

He’s an idiot! You mad yourself perfectly obvious. Does he not realise how unhappy you are about this? Or does he know but just not care?

ferntwist · 31/12/2017 20:07

Sorry, I mean you made yourself perfectly obvious!

c3pu · 31/12/2017 20:08

Broach the subject again. Tell him a realistic timescale in which you want the wedding to happen, and ask him how he feels about it and if he thinks it's achievable.

If he doesn't come up with any reasons why not, ask to set a date, and make it happen.

HappyAndRelaxed · 31/12/2017 20:21

I can see where you're coming from with the romantic proposal but being honest, it wouldn't be the same for you now anyway because you've had to spend so long persuading him. Sad I think you have your answer in a roundabout way. He's only fobbing you off and buying more time. Definitely do not have any more children with him until you have gotten legally married. If you are going to stay with him, give him a date which you are not willing to wait past for getting married - not just engaged or he will drag it out even longer.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 20:25

Well hopefully he’s thinking about what you said or has something planned and doesn’t want to give the game away? He probably knows you want a romantic proposal so can’t really say “I’m going to propose”.

Maybe you should give a deadline that DC’s name will be changed to yours if you are not engaged by then. I don’t know.

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