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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

276 replies

Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:33

feel so down Sad and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family Smile . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
Snowman41 · 23/12/2017 19:32

I don't understand why women give their kids the surname of a man who doesn't think their relationship is stable/important enough to marry them!

Maybe because the DC's identity has nothing to do with their parents relationship status

PaperBagPrincesa · 23/12/2017 19:37

Pixiedust you're right

demirose87 · 23/12/2017 19:53

OP I get why your upset. Lots of replies on here telling you it's 2017 and to propose yourself, but why the hell wouldn't you deserve that special moment where he shows you exactly how much you mean to him and telling you he wants to make it official and commit to you forever? If that's what you want deep down, then that's what you deserve. Other people have their moment so why shouldn't you? He knows you want to get married so it should come from him now.

RoboticSealpup · 23/12/2017 20:07

YANBU to want to be married. YANBU to want to be proposed to. But YABU for not having made this clear before you had children and bought a house. It's too late for a surprise proposal now and acting the blushing bride.

You should still talk to him though. Just tell him that it bothers you that you're not married. Mention some of the things that a previous poster listed from the citizens advice bureau. Then say "how do you feel about it?" and listen to his response. He's your partner of ten years and the father of your child. I don't understand how some couples, who share everything, live with an elephant in the room for years and years and just never ever talk about whether or not they're completely committed to each other?! I've had boyfriends I never discussed the future with but I would never have had children with them. I'm very sorry if that sounds harsh.

PaperBagPrincesa · 23/12/2017 20:13

Special moment!?

Give me a meaningful authentic life!
Sod one moment.

I meant nothing special to my x....

So that is why he didnt ask. 7 years.
I had to figure it all out.

Wish he'd just said "im a misogynist and i dont value you" but of course it doesnt work like that. They dont give you the info you need to make the decision that's best for you. They del8berately obfuscate cos that's best for them.

They deliberately leave you without all the facts.

So fuck one special moment. Value your life. Ask him, and get the information you need. You'll be over it in a few years and you can have a real life not waste it waiting for a moment.

Right now my only regret is not leaving him sooner. I could never have imagined being this brave back then though. I was so pathetic i wanted to be married to a man who didnt fear losing me at all. He believed he could manipulate me forever.

Good luck op.

Lashalicious · 23/12/2017 20:30

Op, I don’t understand why you don’t just walk in there right now and say, (calmly and looking him in the eyes) “We’ve been together for ten years. When are you going to ask me to marry you? I’ve done our relationship your way but the truth is, I would like a special proposal and a wedding. It is important to me and it would make me happy. I want to be with a man who wants to make me happy. Tell me now your answer, you’ve had ten years to know what our relationship means to you.”

You will know the right person for you when you don’t have to agonize over the big and little issues. You can just tell him what you think (about anything!) with no worries!

Stop moping around walking on eggshells around him and take control of your life and take control of your happiness!

Lashalicious · 23/12/2017 20:35

Wanted to add, if he’s watching tv or something, I’d walk right in front of it and stand there and tell him what’s on my mind. This is the 21st century!!!!!!

What are you afraid of? Losing him? Losing a loser? Your fear is how you know he is not the one. Here’s a little secret, op. He’s supposed to be a little afraid of losing you, not the other way around.

TathitiPete · 23/12/2017 20:36

I don't understand why women give their kids the surname of a man who doesn't think their relationship is stable/important enough to marry them

I do not agree with the practice either but I don't relate it in any way to their relationship being 'stable/important enough to marry'. I just wouldn't give my child a surname that is anything other than my own surname. I understand though that other women obviously feel differently. Some women don't care if they and their child share a surname, feel it's not important, the child is still their child.

Unfortunately some go on to change their minds and decide it is important but it's one of those things that you don't know how you'll feel until you are in the situation. By which time it's often too late.

Original poster
Changeusername · 23/12/2017 20:39

I really dnt think its about not caring about me. though there is a part of me that fears he doesn't love me enough

I guess i always have it in my head he got engaged to his ex.

We discussed the whole marriage / kids , what came first . I made it clear about the whole name thing really bothered me and he understood but we both agreed the clock was ticking and we weren't getting any younger. Maybe I've set myself up for a fall by hoping he would pop the question after dc was born..then i thought christmas...not looking likely.

Fuck it. Im having wine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changeusername · 23/12/2017 20:46

I hated as a child my birth fathers name not on certificate not that he deserved it wanker i just knew it was different from everyone elses . Then having to explain why I've had umpteen two different surnames. I didnt want that for DC. Just shows now that I'm not good enough to marry as I have different surname from DC.

Wow. That hurts to see that written down. And I've only had a sip of wine.

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 23/12/2017 21:13

You really have to talk to him. You may find that he just didn't realise how important this is to you.

Lashalicious · 23/12/2017 21:13

Wine is not going to help your problem, op. It’s not even going to make you feel better short term or long term. You are whining. What is stopping you from walking over to him and asking him straight out??

I’m not good enough to marry oh come off it. Pity excuses. You’re excusing your weird eggshell behavior around him and you’re excusing your partner’s manipulative cowish behavior. Newsflash, his not asking you to marry him has absolutely zero to do with some ex in the far off past. That is just a handy excuse for both of you. Stop this pity party, get off your behind and go ask him what his problem is. Good grief, you will always attract this type of ass if you keep acting as you are.

Original poster
Changeusername · 23/12/2017 21:18

You're definatley right about the whining part lash Guess I dont want to confront him as I'm scared about the answer/discussion we then have.

OP posts:
PaperBagPrincesa · 23/12/2017 21:23

Whining is what it would sound like if you approached the conversation wanting something he wont offer.

If you approach it l8ke "this is what you"ve got to offer me to keep me" then u dont need to 'whine', you just need to mean it! And not be afraid to move on.

And therein lies the rub. Often with these men, they wont value love, or loyalty, or time sunk, they only value what they haven't won yet.

You have power but only if it's clear to him that you believe you have options.

RoboticSealpup · 23/12/2017 21:33

And therein lies the rub. Often with these men, they wont value love, or loyalty, or time sunk, they only value what they haven't won yet.

Did I miss something? Where has she said that he's stringing her along? Maybe he just doesn't realise that she wants to marry now rather than in five years.

RedDogsBeg · 23/12/2017 21:34

What's worse OP - being miserable and in a permanent state of limbo as you are now, or just straight out asking/having a discussion with him and knowing exactly where you stand?

Just talk to him - for goodness sake you have built a life and had a child with him and yet you cannot ask him a simple question?

ferntwist · 23/12/2017 21:34

You have to talk to him OP. This is eating you up inside. If he loves you he’d be horrified you were feeling like this.

RedDogsBeg · 23/12/2017 21:40

I can't understand how you can feel close enough to someone to have discussions about buying houses, wills, mortgages, working situations and having a child and yet not close enough to them to share your feelings about this. Maybe the fact that you can't do this means he isn't the one for you, you don't have enough love and trust in him to let him know how you are feeling.

RedDogsBeg · 23/12/2017 21:44

OP in your first post you said this:

We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

Well he obviously doesn't know everything about you if he doesn't know how you feel about wanting to marry him, him proposing and being engaged to his ex and not doing the same for you. He's not your 'best friend' if you can't be open and honest with him about this, is he?

RoboticSealpup · 23/12/2017 21:50

He's not your 'best friend' if you can't be open and honest with him about this, is he?

But that could be because the OP is scared and has low self-esteem. We have no idea whether the guy is a bastard or not.

RedDogsBeg · 23/12/2017 21:55

If the Op is scared and has low self esteem and she cannot share that with her best friend who can she share it with, that is surely what best friends are for?

Original poster
Changeusername · 23/12/2017 22:27

He is definatley not a bastard. It would be eaier if it was.

Maybe its our tine frames thatv
dont marry up.

I will speak to him about it. Just not over christmas.

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 23/12/2017 22:53

Please do talk to him about it, OP, you can't go on like this the resentment will eat away at you and will tarnish your relationship.

If, like you, he wants to get married don't just leave it at that during your talk, agree and confirm a date and then both do the organisation for it.

apacketofcrisps · 23/12/2017 23:12

Why not over Christmas? What difference does it make? It's been ten years that he hasn't wanted to marry you, it being Christmas won't change anything. If he wanted to marry you he would have mentioned it himself. He doesn't want to. You can't change that.

Cambionome · 23/12/2017 23:15

Honestly op, please please stop being so passive! It's your life, take control of it! Tell him, calmly, how you feel.

Come on - woman up! Grin

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