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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oh still hasnt asked me to marry him:(

276 replies

Changeusername · 09/12/2017 21:33

feel so down Sad and i know im going to get roasted for posting this.

Oh and I have been together 10 years. We have a house , pets and a new dc to add to the family Smile . We rarely argue and can honestly say he's my best friend and knows everything about me.

His previous relationship he was engaged but it all fell apart - thankfully or we wouldnt have our life we have just now. They were together a few years before he popped the question.

I hate the fact i have a different surname from dc. I feel like an outsider in my own family. We've talked about marriage and both want it - its more than a name change to me.

I just don't think it is ever going to happen and it just makes me sad.

I guess my aibu is - - ambi wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 31/12/2017 20:35

I think you will have to ask.

timeisnotaline · 31/12/2017 20:35

Taht conversation was infuriating! Try this : Oh ‘ so when do you want to get married’. You: 5 years ago actually, it’s bothering me more and more and starting to feel like a dealbreaker. I don’t think I can stay in this relationship past 2019 if we aren’t married, and we’d have to get engaged 2018. Why don’t you think about it and we can talk it over in a few days.’
For gods sake. My dh is very much the I want to propose type, so I told him I wasn’t just going to hang around and wait until he felt like it, he was working to a clock if he wanted this relationship. It’s called communicating!!

coconuttella · 31/12/2017 20:35

Are you sure you want to get married to someone who treats you like this?

demirose87 · 31/12/2017 20:42

Give him a time limit. You need to make it more clear that you want him to actively propose or he'll just drag his feet.I was lucky enough to have my proposal on Christmas Eve completely unexpected.

Dozer · 31/12/2017 20:59

Engagement is pointless unless you set a date relatively soon: if he proposes but doesn’t agree to a day you’re no further on.

Original poster
Changeusername · 31/12/2017 21:09

Yup. I really am going to start the conversation again. Not tonight though as don't want to be falling out on Nye.

I thought he would have wanted to talk more though when I said I didn't feel like part of a family. I didn't expect the conversation to be so short. Sad

OP posts:
tillytown · 31/12/2017 21:10

He's not going to ask, so either you need to ask him, or except you'll never get married.

tillytown · 31/12/2017 21:12

*Accept, I'm stupid

Original poster
Changeusername · 31/12/2017 21:39

Ur not stupid. I'm the stupid one.

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 31/12/2017 21:48

How frustrating for you, OP. But maybe he is saving up? Would it be too late to suggest your surname name as a second middle name?

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 31/12/2017 21:52

It doesn't have to be a row. He was basically asking you to marry him and you responded by starting a fight about not feeling like part of the family. Just have a discussion without immediately throwing in past hurts and getting defensive. Maybe even get excited?

stickytoffeevodka · 31/12/2017 21:57

But he asked you when you wanted to get married - why didn't you just say "by the end of 2018" or, "by the summer" or something?

You live together and you've got children together, why are you holding out for a big proposal? It's not as though your relationship will change drastically - you've done it all backwards!

steff13 · 31/12/2017 22:04

But he asked you when you wanted to get married - why didn't you just say "by the end of 2018" or, "by the summer" or something?

This. You have a house, kids, etc. - the time for being coy has passed. Just say what you want. Be clear - "I want to be married by ___." He'll either agree or he won't.

tillytown · 31/12/2017 22:07

Nope, you're not stupid OP

ButteredScone · 31/12/2017 22:52

I feel for you, but even I found that exchange annoying. You won't win him over like that. It was childish and basically designed to cause an argument.

I agree with all the posters who say you need to prioritise being married over getting engaged.

Have a real conversation with your DP where you don't try to drag stuff out of him. Say what you want, how much it means to you and ask him to marry you.

coconuttella · 31/12/2017 23:01

But maybe he is saving up?

Confused But then surely he’d have said “I
want to get married when we have £x”? rather than if she agrees to have a 2nd child?

It’s his “I won’t commit while we only have one child but only when you agree to have a second one with me” that’s the problem surely?!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/12/2017 23:05

Just go back to him and say ‘ let’s get it married this coming year’ and see what he says. I’d be amazed if he doesn’t say it’s a great idea.

mummmy2017 · 31/12/2017 23:28

Ask him...
At midnight ASK him.
Tell him you want to get married in the summer....
Just do it...

coconuttella · 31/12/2017 23:41

Ask him...At midnight ASK him.

Bad idea... He may say ‘yes’ due to pressure of the occasion only to rescind it later or keep you hanging as his heart’s not in it. Given where you’re at, you need a grown up conversation about what you want and need... not a romantic NYE proposal that seeks to gloss over them.

Romantic proposals are for when you’ve already talked about getting married and the other person has made it clear they at ready to receive it.

mummmy2017 · 31/12/2017 23:50

He asked her when she wanted to get married.
Why can't she take the bull by the horns and be proactive.

LagunaBubbles · 31/12/2017 23:54

What's more important to you, a proposal, a wedding or marriage?

Lashalicious · 01/01/2018 04:19

Op, you did nothing wrong. Your conversation was fine. He knows exactly what you want, he is being obtuse. Your response “when you ask me” was good, actually. He is an ass. I would bet money he has known for many years that you want to get married. I’m sorry, he is being an ass. I’ve already told you that you should walk up and say, “I want to get married, I want a romantic proposal and a beautiful wedding. You’ve had ten years, come on, get on with it. I want to be married in six (or whatever) months. What do you want? Give me a straight answer right now.”

huha · 01/01/2018 04:37

What does having more children have to do with getting married for him? Maybe ask him that?

CiderwithBuda · 01/01/2018 05:02

Why don't you use today being the beginning of a new year to sit down and talk about plans for the year and going forward generally. Tell him it is getting more and more important to you to be married.

I know you want the romantic proposal but really in the long term it's not that important. We've been married over 20 years and DH still hasn't proposed! We moved overseas when we had been together about two years and my dad was worried that we weren't married so I suggested it. DH wasn't keen but we got engaged. No proposal. Just out shopping one day and he pointed at the jewellers and said he thought I wanted to go in and get a ring. So we did.

Went overseas for two years and came back to uk and bought a house. Still no wedding plans. Or proposal. So I booked a venue for a wedding reception. Told him. He said he wasn't getting married. I said ok but you have a week to think about it before we pay a deposit or cancel the booking. Didn't mention it for a week. A week later he is up a ladder painting and I said we needed to make a decision about the venue. He said he wasn't getting married. I said 'oh go on, I'll make you a cup of tea' and he said ok then. Not romantic. But my DH was not and is not the type for romantic gestures.

The romance would have been nice but it's not overly important especially when you already have a child together and a home.

Have a conversation. Say it's really important to you security wise. Tell him the current situation is making you feel insecure. Tell him you want to feel like a proper family and that you currently don't.

But you don't need a proposal and you don't need a big wedding. You do need an honest conversation.

user1472377586 · 01/01/2018 05:10

OMG Op, I've been worrying about you. And I noticed there was an update so I read through the posts.

I disagree with above that you did nothing wrong. Sweetie, you were on the verge of being engaged and talked yourself out of a proposal there!

Your conversation:
Me- do you want to get married one day ?
Oh- yes. One day.
Silence
Oh - so when do you think would be a good time to get married ?
__

Why, why, why did you not say "well, before Easter". (Or before February / September or before mid summer??)

Please restart / continue the conversation ASAP and set a date.

It doesn't have to be the man down on one knee holding a ring! Having been proposed to on one knee it is embarrassing.

Just a conversation about the future / what to budget for in 2018....

So...
You need to say "Darling I want to make some plans for 2018 and our finances. Do you remember when we were discussing when I would like to get married a few days ago? (if you want to be more direct you could say 'when we would like to get married..._)

Him: yes.

You: Well, I know that you'd like to delay until we've had our second child, but I'd love to have a second child with you but I'd also like to get married before Easter. Is that OK?

Him: yeah OK.

You: Great.

(For god's sake don't tell him that you wanted him to do something more romantic, just enjoy the moment).

Then, you are engaged. If anyone asks, neither of you proposed, it happened to be discussed and mutually agreed. You should inform both sets of parents and if I were you set a firm date. If you don't have tons of savings, go registry office - a friend of mine did and it was actually really nice and romantic.

(This is no risk, because if he says NO, then you need to say "Oh, why not? Are you worried that we can't afford it?)

PS. If it all goes wrong & he says no, I don't want to be married, you can say 'oh, that's a shame, I love you and it is important to me.' If he cannot agree to get married, you could just accept that and if your family / friends ask you will need to say 'Oh xx doesn't want to be married. We will not get married.'

This happened with good friends of ours - he proposed to her (after she had given birth to their second child) and she said 'no'. She said 'if I had wanted to get married we would have done that years ago'. (He told all this to my dh). He was quite taken aback, but they are still together. Not married. 2 kids in primary school.

Once you have children you tied together for life.

Or, if you have some variant of the above conversation and he doesn't want to marry you (in the next few months), you could say well I (and child) are leaving. I am disappointed in your lack of commitment.

Sending you a hug from Australia.

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